Category: Satire

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

It’s Swift and Sweeping …

“What took you so long?”

The dinosaur doctor hurried inside the Oval Dwelling and squatted across from the Tyrumposaurus.

“I came as soon as I heard. You said you thought you were coming down with something?”

“Yes, well, the Mediacircustops first brought it up and since you’re the expert, I thought I’d run it by you before I begin to, um … panic.”

“What exactly am I diagnosing here?”

“Latent stage neurosyphilis.”

“Hmm. Well, we need to begin somewhere. What is your weight these days?”

“200.”

The dino doc gave the T-Rump a stern disbelieving glare.

“Okay, okay. 6,000 pounds.”

“That’s better. Don’t take this personally. Remember, I’m rooting for you.”

“I need a cheater, not a cheerleader.”

The doc ignored the T-Rump.

“Any gastro-intestinal issues?”

“I wish. That’s like gas lighting, right?”

“Uh, no. I remember you limping down that small hill the other day. You looked to be in great pain.” 

“Oh, that. I wasn’t limping. I’ll have you know I ran down that entire hill at top speed. Backwards.”

“Yes, of course you did. Now for your cognitive state. Look at the blank wall over there and tell me what you see.” 

“I see division.” 

“Oh? What kind of division?” 

“Bad, bad division. Very bad.” 

“I – I don’t know what to say. I’m astounded. It’s a miracle. Did I just hear you say that you understand that division is a bad thing in our society?” 

“Hardly. Division is bad because I’m losing! You gotta help me win, doc. What do I have you here for? Everything is about me winning in November.” 

“Well, perhaps if you were to read.” 

“Don’t even start. Dammit. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined my day.” 

“How’s that?”

“You made me think of … school.” 

“Go on.”

The T-Rump crossed his short arms defensively.

“I hated school.” 

“And why’s that?” 

“Because all the other dinos hated me. Stupid kids. Stupid school.” 

“But there must have been something you liked.”

A thought dared frequent the T-Rump’s walnut. 

“Well, one day a dino teacher told me history was like ‘his story’ and it could be my story. I didn’t even know the guy. But he’s a great guy because history was now my story and I didn’t even have to do anything. So okay, I’ll admit it. I know history because it’s my story.” 

“Ahem, I believe what the teacher was referring to is that your life would be a part of history.” 

The T-Rump scowled at him.

“You don’t have many friends, do you? No, you’re wrong, doc. Oh, sure. There are other dinos in my story but they’re just that. History.” 

“Hmm. Now I’m beginning to understand your big speech yesterday celebrating our veteran dinos.” 

“Great speech wasn’t it?” 

“Well …” 

“I just go with my gut. I still remember the main parts. I know them so well, I could sing them.” 

“That won’t be necessary.” 

“Yes, it is, doc. I need to show you I’m not stupid. Uh, but first I’m gonna need you to give me a bouncy beat though.” 

“A … bouncy beat? Why’s that?” 

“To kick-start my brain cells. Would you mind tapping your tail against the ground and stamping on those big Doobie bugs in between your tail taps? They’ll keep you runnin.’” 

“I’ll try.” 

The good doctor began tapping and stamping.

“Good, that’s good. Don’t stop.”

 

So, as far as I know

I’m glad they’re on our side

In Vietnam they did their part

In all those jungles deep inside  

In that hot Desert Storm heat

Our warriors, all strong

We don’t have to worry

It was swift and swift, not long 

Like nobody’s ever seen anything happen

And you know that, you know

And sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, It’s swift and sweeping

Oh, you know how I feel

Hey, no bones spurs, I’d be there

But a lot of you, you yourself

Were involved in that over there 

All of you, don’t worry

That was a quick one, right?

It was over in a hurry

Swift and swift and sweeping-like

Like nobody’s ever seen anything happen

And you know that, you know

It’s sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

(I Can’t Get No) Legal Action …

The Jerrynadler looked the dinos before him up and down, hemmed and hawed twice to air out his jowls — doctors orders — and paused for a moment. He forgot what he was going to say. Soon his brow brightened with said knowledge. He was finally ready to speak.

“The Dino Cave Judiciary hearing will now come to order. We are looking into the many, relentless, conniving, underhanded and unscrupulous ways that the leadership of the D.O.J., that is, the Dinos Open Jawed, has been continuously overstepping their bounds. That is my opening statement. My doctor told me to keep it brief … to um, pace myself so as not to give you sorry lot of Grandoldparty dinos the sport and glee of some medical catastrophe.”

“Damn!” said the Dougcollins of Georgia Orchard.

“Today we have a special Whistleblower legal dino, the Aaronzelinsky, with us. He’s no relation to the Ukraine Plain Zelensky, because you certainly don’t want to get me going on that. The Aaronzelinsky is here to help shed light on the shenanigans going on over at the DOJ. Your opening statement, please.”

“Thank you. If I may, I found that five minutes may not be enough time to thoroughly cover the full extent of the gross misconduct I witnessed, the constant barrage of threats leveled at me and to adequately represent the mental anguish they put me through. Is it okay if I take an extra 30 seconds?”

“I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with that. Go right ahead.”

But before the legal dino could begin, there came a rapping sound. All eyes turned to the Louiegohmert of the Lone Star-Texas region. He was rapping his claws loudly against the flat rock where he was squatting.

“Would the member of Lone Star-Texas kindly quit that incessant racket.”

“No, not until you take back that 30 seconds from the witness. First it’s thirty seconds and next thing it’s two whole minutes. We can’t trust you Donkeykongrus folk.”

“The witness will continue.”

But the rapping by the Louiegohmert went on instead.

“I want my thirty seconds too,” said the Lone Star Texas dino.

“You can’t have it.”

“Here we go!” said the Dougcollins. “You’re not following the Geneva Cave-In rules.”

“This isn’t the Geneva Cave-In.”

The rapping was irritating even the Dougcollins.

“Louie, would you cut that out? I’m speaking now, remember?”

“Sorry.”

The rapping stopped.

“Witness will continue.”

“Hey! I wasn’t done yet.”

“Yes you were.”

“Oh! S-u-u-u-r-r-r-e. That’s my loud put-upon voice again for those who don’t know me. I know the T-Rump loves it when I’m as disruptive as possible. What are you waiting for, Louie? Get rapping!”

The rapping began anew. The Jerrynadler frowned. His thoughts turned to blessed retirement. If he just ignore Gohmert, maybe the Lone Star loser would realize he looked like an idiot and would stop. But that realization was still on the other side of the planet, so Gohmert didn’t.

“Excuse me?” It was the Aaronzelensky.

“Yeah?” asked the Louisgohmert, still rapping obnoxiously.

“Could I get you to speed your rapping up a little bit?”

The Louisgohmert paused for a minute, completely caught off guard.

“You … want me to speed up my rapping? Uh, how come?”

“Because I like your style. I can use it as a backbeat. I think I’ll just go ahead and sing my opening statement.”

“You like my style, huh? Is this fast enough?”

He quickened his tempo.

“That’s fine.”

“Louie!” hollered the Dougcollins. “He’s tricking you, Louie! Stop! Slow down! Don’t do it, Louie!”

It was too late. Somebody liked his backbeat.

 

I can’t get no legal action

I can’t get no legal action

‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie

I can’t get no

I can’t get no

T-Rump made Bill Barr the Czar

Who then tells me to just let it go

He’s tellin’ me more and more

About Geoff Berman’s resignation

Well, I’m tired of his translation

I can’t get no

Oh, no, no, no

Hey, hey, hey

It’s not okay

I can’t get no legal action

I can’t get no legal action

‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie

I can’t get no

I can’t get no

 

When I’m watchin’ just to see

If someone’s gonna come tell me

We wanna set him free

We know he’s bad but the boss knows Roger Stone

So treat him like you’d treat me

I can’t get no

Oh, no, no, no

Hey, hey, hey

It’s not okay

I can’t get no legal action

I can’t get no straight infraction

‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie

I can’t get no

I can’t get no

When I’m playin’ by the rules

And I got Flynn on this ‘cause Mueller said that

And I remember my law school

They told me, buddy, when they crack back, you make ‘em squeak

‘Cause all they know is their double speak

I can’t get no

Oh, no, no, no

Hey, hey, hey

It’s not okay

I can’t get no

I can’t get no

I can’t get no legal action

No legal action

No legal action

No legal action

I can’t get no

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Tulsa Time …

Sweat dripped profusely from the Tyrumposaurus rally campaign dino’s brow. He wiped it away, stealing a peek at the T-Rump.

“It’s not too late to cancel this thing.”

“Are you kidding me?!” roared the T-Rump. “There are millions of dinos out there. Millions! Do I have to get the Seanspicer in here to tell you that?”

“It — it’s just that Okla-Tulsa is experiencing record highs in their daily count of new Coronavirus cases.”

The T-Rump shook his head. Uh-oh. He was wearing that career-ending frown again.

“Mike, do you want to fill in this lunkhead or do I have to?”

The Mikepence stepped forward, planted his big feet shoulder width apart, stared ahead and set his jaw for his most dignified mother-knows-best voice.

“Let’s all try to remember that any record levels, and yes, there may be more new records set day after day after day … after day. And okay, there may be 8,000 new cases next door in Texas-Lone Star. And twenty regions of Dino Nation may be showing ten percent increases or more since last week …”

“Mike, you’re going the wrong way on this.”

“Sorry, your esteemed highness of most esteemed heights. I was just trying to set some context for the incredible comeback we’re about to make under your priceless leadership from this invisible enemy that has killed 120-thou — … I mean, this is only a short term situation — trust me — and these increasing case numbers are only because of the great work dinos are doing with regards to the amount of increased testing. They’re testing too good. Heh-heh. Just too darn good. As a matter of fact, I told them the other day, slow down, you’re making us look bad.”

He paused for laughter. None was coming.

“So, what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that things may look very, very, very bad but I just look at the dino who got us into this, our leader, the T-Rump, and I know we’re all going to be praying that he can get us out of it. I know he can. That’s why I’m praying. And one last thing, don’t believe the Mediacircustops when they say that increased testing means there will be more contact tracing … which will find the sick dinos … and thus bring the new case numbers down. That just isn’t so. Community spread? What is that I ask you? Asymptomatic? Dino Nation is tired of hearing these big words they have no use for. I’m not a scientist but you, me, the T-Rump, we can take back the great Milkanhoney Preservation, refute these so-called scientific findings … and still sleep soundly at night. It’s unfortunate that the Mediacircustops have reduced themselves to fear mongering.”

“Fear mongering!” The T-Rump bellowed. “Thanks, Mike. We all needed that. And remember, if any fake news Mediacircustops confronts you on this, tell them what Kayleigh said because she’s getting damn good mileage out of our latest, last-gasp excuse. What’d she say again, Mike?”

“Yes, oh great one, she combined our winning strategy of deflection, projection and dejection. She said, ‘How come there’s all this concern for the dinos at the Okla-Tulsa rally? What about all those rabble-rousers protesting across Dino Nation? What about that?’ It was truly a remarkable remark that we can all be proud of, giving us all cover another day. We really need to put all our focus on this rally now.”

The Timmurtaugh, T-Rump’s battle campaign Mediacircustops dino director cleared his throat.

“Ahem. I just wanted to report back to you, T-Rump. The Okla-Tulsa dinos asked us what health precautions we are taking to protect their citizen dinos. I told them that we would be anointing them with T-Rump swamp water. And a pat on the back. A solid pat on the back. They should expect a big, boisterous crowd of 19,000 strong, cheek-to-cheek, jowl-to-jowl in that confined space. They’ll be hollering their lungs out, spewing all kinds of infectious particles into the air space. But the swamp water. We do have the swamp water. No worries, boss.”

“Good job, Tim.”

There came a commotion from outside. The dinos continued gathering with the big rally still 24 hours away.

“Ah, listen to them,” said the T-Rump, cocking an ear. “Sounds like a song. Probably about me. That’s my base. Always behind me. Great dinos. Best dinos ever.”

 

Well, I been sittin’ yonder

For three whole days give’r take

They want this here waiver signed

They said we gotta warn ya

So before the virus gets ya

Just sign here on the dotted line

My momma called me crazy

Now I ain’t no shrinkin’ daisy

Gonna show them all this time

Cause you know I got no schooling

I don’t need no Biden fool

Want to just join the line

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Gonna go ahead and do it

Don’t need no mask, I say screw it

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

So they’re testin’ more than they should

And there goes the neighborhood

My eyeballs must be in decline

That’s the gospel from Hannity

And that man ain’t never wrong

But my momma says T-Rump’s a swine

So then I started drinkin’

And then I got to thinkin’

Poor momma has to bear in mind

Social distance has me leavin’

And that’s why she’ll be grievin’

Bye, Ma, it’s Tulsa time

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Gonna go ahead and do it

Don’t need no mask, I say screw it

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

Gonna go ahead and do it

Don’t need no mask, I say screw it

Dyin’ on Tulsa time

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Wasting My Time with You …

The Mediacircustops, the Brianstelter, beamed at his guest, the Tyrumposaurus’ senior legal dino advisor, the Jennaellis. She had that look about her that said salty, sassy and able to snap at any moment.

“Thank you for joining us, Jenna.”

“Look, Brian, you just make sure to stick to the topic we agreed to discuss.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y … it appears you’re suing the dino pollsters for a poll that had the T-Rump 14 points behind the Joebiden. C’mon, now. Suing pollsters? Really?”

“Oh, you’d better believe it. Because they had the egregious audacity to poll adult dinos who weren’t even registered voters.”

“But they could be.”

“Could be? They could also all be anti-T-Rump activist dinos with an agenda like yours, Brian. Did I mention that your ratings are the worst?”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because you have an audience of three and we need every last dino licking the T-Rump’s toes. I mean, I can’t sleep at night knowing you’re giving those three dinos fake news.

“You can keep on patronizing me but I don’t think it’s a good look for you.”

“You’re criticizing my looks now? O-o-o-o-h, that’s low, Brian. Just for that I’m going to go on for the next ten minutes about how you don’t know the difference between an opinion piece and a factually false statement. Didn’t they teach you that in school, Brian? Don’t you want to be correct? You call yourself a Mediacircustops, Brian, and it’s your job to report the facts and then let the dinos decide.”

“Aha!”

“What?”

“You just said to report the facts and let the dinos decide.”

“So?”

“When exactly did dinos begin deciding on the facts? Facts are facts. Who, what, where, when. Those don’t change, Jenna. Because they’re the truth. Unless you are, uh … changing them to alternative facts. Hmm. Where have we heard that before?” 

“I’m not listening. Two minutes in, time to take over this interview. Why are you so upset that the T-Rump sent out his Trollertweeties telling dinos to ignore the Mediacircustops? He’s just expressing an opinion. Isn’t he allowed to do that? After all, he is also a citizen. He is the first one to actually use his platform as a Dino Nation citizen to be able to call out the fake news Mediacircustops and say you are peddlers of false information.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? The T-Rump is NOT just a citizen. He is the leader of the free-running dino world. No other citizen, no one, nada — not even you on your best day — has access to the bully pulpit. Only he does. What he says matters.” 

“Brian, the T-Rump is all about truth and facts.”

“Jenna, you’re wasting my time, Jenna.”

 

So long, I’ve been working too hard, you been talkin’ too long

Sometimes I think I will lose my mind, I only know it’s a matter of time

When you shove someone, when you shove someone

It feels so wrong, your words so blue, I need to know what I say is true

Soundin’ the gong, gotta let you know you’re talkin’ way too long 

Conversation with you is a chore, that’s why less of you is more

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you’re ruining my life

I’ve been wasting, this time you blew, gonna go tell my wife

Yeah, wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

Your head’s wood, let’s make sure that that’s understood

You are more than touched said the last survey  

Only T-Rump could make it this way

When you talk to someone, yeah, really talk to someone

Now, I see the light, in some moment, twenty years from now, one night

There’s nowhere on earth that anyone, see, will take you seriously 

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you’re ruining my life

I’ve been wasting, this time you blew, gonna go tell my wife

Yeah, wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting, wasting with you

I’ve been wasting

I’ve been wasting 

Won’t the truth soon come to life?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

Born Free …

Thousands of dinos continued demonstrating outside the Oval Dwelling. The protest against dino police brutality and racism had been going on for a dozen days. After some earlier shenanigans, the demonstrators were peaceful. Their determined, vigorous chants filled the air, “We are here! The real McCoy! Listen up, T-Rump, you Bunker Boy!”

The Tyrumposaurus frowned from his Oval Dwelling squat. He looked to the Williambarr.

“Tell me we can move the Oval Dwelling. I can’t stand their yelling. Why don’t we just move the Oval Dwelling to one of my luxury caves?”

“Sorry, boss. We can’t move the Oval Dwelling. And we’ve moved the protesting dinos back as far as we can without causing more civil unrest.”

“This has been going on days. I can’t lead with all this noise. What are they protesting again?”

“Black Lives Matter and dino police brutality.”

“What brutality? That’s the way the dino police are supposed to respond when you’ve got this many dinos in one place — who aren’t worshipping me. Make Dino Nation great again with a whack upside the head.”

The Williambarr looked from the Homeland Security dino, the Chadwolf, to the Secretary of Rural Caves, the Bencarson, and back to the T-Rump. The leader of the free-running dino world sniffed the air. He knew something was up. 

“Oh, no. Not another hostage speech. Don’t even go there. I come off looking like a sniveling idiot last time. And the time before that. You know I don’t do empathy.”

“But, T-Rump. The dinos out there need a calming influence. Show them that we’re on the same page, even if we’re not. All you need to do is go out there and lie to them like you always do.”

“I can’t. My base is two steps left of lulu. If I send them a mixed message on whatever level of lies we’re up to, I’m liable to lose another 37 dinos. We’re stretched thin enough as it is. You’ve seen the polls. That damn sleepy Joebiden is at 50%.” He practically hissed his next words. “The Crookadillary never got that high.”

No one needed to point out that neither had the T-Rump. No one that wanted to keep their teeth. The chants continued outside.

“Stop this pandemic! Racism Systemic!”

“What the hell are they going on about?” asked the T-Rump.

“400 years of a white feet on black necks,” said the Williambarr.

“Oh, c’mon. Just because I wouldn’t let them live in my caves. But I have you three here to give me your views on this systemic whatever. Make it snappy. Last one speaking has the best chance of being remembered. Go ahead, Billy.”

“Well, I understand the distrust of the black dino given the history of Dino Nation. I’ll give them that.”

“B-o-o-r-r-i-n-g. Chad?”

“The dino police are fine dinos that protect us everyday. It’s a shame they’re being lumped together on this.”

“Better. What about you, Ben? And be careful if you want to stay a Grandoldparty dino. There’s just you, the Williamhurd and the Timscott on that, uh … race thing.”

“Actually,” the Willliambarr interrupted. “The Williamhurd is a lame duck dino.”

“My point entirely. Well, Ben?”

“We have a few rogue dinos, but most of the dino police are good dinos. I could tell you some real stories about racism back in the day.”

“Save it. Got no time for it. Few rogue dinos. Mental note. What’s rogue mean again?”

But before the Williambarr could answer, there came the loud voice of one of the dino protesters outside.

“Yes, that’s right. Black Lives DO Matter. We need to end dino police brutality and the systemic racism that’s so prevalent in our lives today. We need to remind everyone that black dinos are born equal … they are born to succeed … and they are born free.”

And the protester broke into song.

 

George Floyd and Breonna Taylor

Michael Dean, Eric Reason

George Floyd, Pamela Turner

Botham Jean, Antwon Rose the second

Stephon Clark, Terrence Cutcher

Jordan Edwards, Paul O’Neal

Philando Castile of St. Paul

Alton Sterling, Bettie Jones

Nathaniel Pickett Junior

George Floyd and Samuel DuBose

Freddie Gray, Walter Scott

And Eric Harris

Young Tamir Rice of Cleveland

Laquan McDonald

George Floyd, Michael Brown Ferguson

Eric Garner New York

Trayvon Martin, George Floyd

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Satire

Phony Staff …

“You said you would have the best and brightest.”

“No, I said our testing is the highest.”

It was enough to make even the sweet, kind and very patient Kaitlyncollins want to take a bite out of the nearest rock. She soldiered on.

“T-Rump, the Katherinedunntempas reported that your dino ‘A’ team, that is, the most influential dinos who advise you, has an 86% turnover rate. That’s higher than any of the five previous leaders. Why is that?”

“86 is a good, high number. It should be higher. Why not?”

“I beg your pardon? These are dinos who have your ear. How can you say that showing them the door is a good thing?”

“I’ll be fine when that number reaches 100%. Because that’s how often I’m right. And I reserve the right to base my opinion on the last dino to leave the cave. The very last. Even if they don’t come back.”

“T-Rump, the study goes on to show that 38% of your ‘A’ teams departures have undergone serial turnover.”

“Did you say cereal? I’m hungry.”

“No, those are departures that have turned over twice or more. The Reincepriebus, the Johnkelly, the Mickmulvaney and the Markmeadows. You’re on your fourth dino chief of staff. Add in five dino deputy chiefs of staff and that makes nine dinos who didn’t — and don’t — know if they’re coming or going. What message does that send, T-Rump?”

“Ahem. I don’t want any dino with ‘chief’ in their title to start thinking they’re chief of anything while I’m here. That’s why I save all of my personnel firings for the Friday night news dump. I’ll be making it my day. Some day soon, Friday will be known as T-Rumpday. I should have a week day named after me. That’s something else the Obamarus didn’t do.”

“Um, no, he didn’t. T-Rump, you’ve had eight different communications dinos as your mouthpiece to the Mediacircustops, though technically the Stephaniegrisham only spoke with the Foxquawkbox dinos. Let me rephrase that question because my investigative mind is on constant spin, rinse and recycle mode, trying to keep up with your personnel moves. Do you have any idea how many Foxsquawkbox dinos have worked for you?”

“A handful at best.”

“That would be four handfuls-plus. 21 dinos. Why is that, T-Rump?”

“Because I believe in their message. Great message. And the last dino that leaves the cave. Good dino, that last one. But then there’s silence. And I can’t go with that. I need to hear my voice. You too. But especially me.”

“The Flynnhasbeen, the Aycharrmcmaster, the Johnbolton and the Robertobrien — that’s four dino national security advisers. Shouldn’t Dino Nation be worried about your lack of faith in the dino in charge of defending us? Do you have any faith in the Robertobrien?”

“The Robert who? … Okay, that’s it. I’m done with you. Totally. No. No. … And no. The dino behind you. No, the other dino beside the other dino beside … that dino … behind you. No, not you. You, dammit. Wait a minute. Is that the Defleppardsaurus?”

 

We’re outta luck, get rid of

Lotta phony staff, we’re sick of

Stephenmiller, you’re too much

You’re the wicked one I wanna punch

I see your face every time you scheme

Like everyday, why are you so mean?

Trump’s child, Donny, bizarre to me

He lies just like, Kayleigh McEnany

Oh, look what you’ve done to this whack-a-mole town

Oh, look what you’ve done

(Phony staff) … We don’t want you

(Phony staff) … We don’t need you

(Phony staff) … All we’ve got is a phony staff

We’ve had enough

 

So Jared Kushner, should not be there

KellyAnn shut up, if you dare

Such a woman, she’s so vile

And Mike Pompeo is a man-child, oh 

Barr has some kinda hold you see

On all who’ve lost their memory

And Pence can only bend the knee

We know he’s mother’s fantasy

Oh, look what you’ve done to this whack-a-mole town

Oh, look what you’ve done

You gotta leave us

(Phony staff) … We don’t want you

(Phony staff) … We don’t need you

(Phony staff) … All we’ve got is a phony staff

You’re all stunned in the head!

 

Oh, look what you’ve done to this whack-a-mole town

Oh, look what you’ve done

You gotta leave us

(Phony staff) … We don’t want you

(Phony staff) … We don’t need you

(Phony staff) … All we’ve got is a phony staff

I wanna punch you

O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!

(Phony staff)

(Phony staff) … A phony staff

(Phony staff)

(Phony staff) … What are you good for?

(Phony staff) … Gotta get rid of

(Phony staff) … Gotta get rid of

(Phony staff) … Cuz your time has come

(Phony staff) … Screwed up so much

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

 

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Time …

With a whack of her tail, the dino meeting came to order.

“Okay! Time for everybody to find a place to squat. Welcome, I’m the Annaeshoo, chairwoman dino of the God, Give Us Energy to Survive T-Rump sub-committee. Our star guest on hand today is the heroic, courageous and all around nice dino, the Rickbright, who was unceremoniously drummed out of BARDA — that is, Bugs And Really Dangerous Aromas. Good day and welcome.” 

A few dinos still milled around.

“Okay, I said find a place to squat. I’m not going to talk with Grandoldparty dinos wandering around. Show some respect, would you? I don’t get up and prance around while you’re speaking. So help me, I will sound the Gong of Shame on you.”

The milling continued. She stepped on the tail of Gong, a small dinosaur with an ominous-sounding yelp.

“B-A-A-A-A-A-R-R-R-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M!”

“There, satisfied? You have been officially shamed. Now squat, dammit.”

Still milling.

“B-A-A-A-A-A-R-R-R-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M!”

“A typical Grandoldparty dino. Has to be told three times to do anything.”

The dinos ignored her. She could only shake her head.

“B-A-A-A-A-A-R-R-R-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M!”

“Shamed again. I’ll keep doing it. Because I’m not going to let you sidetrack my meeting.”

She continued the Gong of  Shame intermittently for effect. On principle.

“Alright, let’s get busy. I’ll recognize myself first because we want to begin this meeting on a happy, non-whiny note. We’re here today because the T-Rump sat on his duff for five weeks, allowing the Coronavirus to ravage Dino Nation. With 85,000 dead dinos, you might say he does not have our best interests at heart. I’d better throw it over to the other side now before I say something I’ll really regret. The, uh, ranking minority dino … the Michaelburgess, your opening statement.”

“Thank you, madam chairwoman dino. And those will be the last nice words I’ll toss your way today because the T-Rump told me to despise you until the end of time.”

“Now why would the T-Rump do that?”

“I don’t ask. I’m scared to death of him.”

“Well, I call the shots here. Your lack of respect has just cost you your remaining four minutes.”

“Hey!”

“Hey, yourself. I will now allow the –”

“Excuse me, madame chairwoman dino.”

It was the Gregwalden of the Oregon Wail-Trail

“I have a bone of contention. The Rickbright brought his legal dino with him and I don’t know her from a hole in the ground and I don’t know what capacity either of them are in here today. Is he private? Public? Are they sleeping together?”

“And you just lost the rest of your time. I think it’s time we went to you, Rickbright. Talk to us. I’m going to enjoy this.”

And the Rickbright rose.

 

Ticking away the fomenting that shakes T-Rump’s day

Twitter and waste the hours in an obscene way

Kicking around a game plan to save your home town

Waiting for someone — anyone — to show you the way

 

Tired of staying in the shadows, quiet, masked to watch the pain

The young and old, weak and strong, two thousand more killed today

And then one day you find the virus always finds you 

No one told us when to run, we missed the starting gun

 

So I run and I run to let them all know what I’m thinking

Racing around, I come up and remind them again

The plan is the same in an organized way for the older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

 

Every day is getting shorter, T-Rump can’t find the time

Plans we have that came to naught because of all his vacant lies

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the humane way

The lives are gone, and more soon over 

Yes, I had so much to say

 

Home

Home again

We have to stay there

That’s the plan

 

When we stay home

Bold, united

The truth to warm our souls

Forget the liar

Who today

Sets them afield

From where they dwell pell-mell 

Calls them to breathe as they please

We fear this mad, unbroken, tragic hell

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Super Spreader Plan …

Two security detail dinos, the Joefriday and the Dicktracy, fidgeted nervously off to the side of the Patchy Grassanweeds party being held behind the Oval Dwelling. It was by invitation only. They tried looking tough while blending into the background — a near impossible task for a dinosaur. The Joefriday finally broke their sacred code of silence.

“What’s the double-secret password today again?”

“Hocus-pocus Diplodocus.”

“That was yesterday. It’s T-Rump bump in the night, right?”

“No, that’s the Tymelania’s emergency alert. I think it’s …”

“Can it,” said the Joefriday. “Just the facts and we lost the only one we had. Dammit. Everything the T-Rump touches dies.”

“Are we gonna die, Joe?”

“Not unless we keep six feet apart. Back up a bit. Look, here they come.” He nuzzled his snout into his armpit. “The pterodactyl has landed. Repeat, the pterodactyl has landed.”

“Joe, uh … why are you talking into your armpit?”

“Because it muzzles my voice and drives the women crazy.”

“Oh. Say, isn’t that the Katiemiller?”

“Sure is. Now there goes one of the great mysteries of our time. Right up there with the chicken and the egg.”

“I’ll say. Does she even like Stephen Miller or is he blackmailing her?”

They kept their eyes trained on her, pausing every ten seconds to scan the audience as per security regulations. Deep down they enthused about this on-the-job perk of girl-watching. The Joefriday snapped to attention.

“Did you see that?”

“What?”

“She just stepped within three feet of the ambassador dino to Lower Slobovia. Three feet, Dick.”

“And she’s not covering her mouth. She’s slobbering, Joe. Sloppy, super sloppy slobbering.”

“That’s a tough one, Dick. Natural reaction and all. But — hold on. Did she just spit at his feet? This is one sick Dino Nation. Did you see that look in her eye? Smells like premeditation to me. That makes one more fact staring us in the face.”

“Oh no, Joe. Not another conspiracy.”

“Let’s move.”

“Right behind you, Joe. In fact, I — I think I’m gonna sing …”

 

There’s a gal who sneaks up like a stranger

And all the while, she’s trying to endanger 

With every cough she takes

Another hand she shakes

Odds are they’ll be showing signs tomorrow

 

Super Spreader Plan

Katie Miller can

She’s gonna join her husband in the growing hall of shame

 

Look beyond her pretty face and you’ll find

She’s taking out all our scientific minds

Oh, C-D-C and F-D-A

She’s breathing on you today

Odds are you’ll be showing signs tomorrow

 

Super Spreader Plan

Katie Miller can

She’s gonna join her husband in the growing hall of shame

 

Super Spreader Plan

Katie Miller can

She’s gonna join her husband in the growing hall of shame

 

Wishing for the Irish luck one day

Good sons and daughters, you may kneel down to pray

Oh, if she gives the guards the slip

And plants one on ol’ T-Rump’s lips

Odds are he’ll be showing signs tomorrow

 

Super Spreader Plan

Katie Miller can

She’s gonna join her husband in the growing hall of shame

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Michael Flynn …

The news-sniffing snout of the Jimacosta flared wide twice, testing the air. The veteran Mediacircustops scanned the cave at this hastily-called briefing by the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed). He checked the dino squatting beside him again. Yes, indeed. It was the Brandonvangrack, lead dino on the Flynnhasbeen prosecution team. Something was up. The Jimacosta watched closely as the Timothyshea, a DOJ lackey, stepped to the Flat Rock Lectern.

“Ahem, good afternoon,”

The Brandonvangrack quickly rose from his squat.

“I’m not going to just squat here and watch this, this gong show happen. What you’re doing here is a travesty. It’s a shameful, disgraceful sham of a travesty wrapped inside insane, corrupt politics where the letter of the law has been reduced to the dino dung stuck to your heel! Damn it all. I’m outta here!”

He rose and bolted from the cave. The Timothyshea wrinkled his nose.

“All right then, another new employment opportunity at the DOJ. The best and brightest, you know. Where were we? Ah, yes. You know what? We over at the DOJ, we’re going to just drop this whole Flynnhasbeen investigation.”

It was the Jimacosta’s turn to jump from his squat.

“What the — ? Are you kidding me?! You’ve been defending this case for two whole years!”

“That may be true, but a lot has come to light lately. I mean, it took us this long to find something that we could actually rally around to get this thing thrown out. Truth be told.”

The Timothyshea put on his most convincing father-knows-best mug. Only it came across as truly condescending.

“We really need only to look at the facts. This investigation should never have happened.”

“And what facts would those be?” The Jimacosta tapped the ground with his tail. “We’re waiting.”

“Why, the interview conducted by the Langleyops of course. They asked him questions. ASKED him questions! How dare they. What is this dino world coming to? And the planning. O-o-o-o-o-h, the diabolical planning. They wanted to get him to lie so he could get fired.”

“But the lies,” argued the Jimacosta. “What about the lies?”

“Ahem. Two words. Not notable.”

“Not notable? He was the freaking national dino security adviser! He’s not even allowed a white lie.”

“Jim, Jim, Jim. I must ask you. What’s in a lie? A simple mistruth? An innocent straying from fact? A somewhat muddled misstep into your Mediacircustops misinformation? A wee baby step wayward of some vague notion of moral obligation?”

“Your point, pal?”

“Who are we to judge?”

“That’s your damn job.” 

“And I believe yours is fake news. Go ahead and say what you’re going to say. The T-Rump has you covered. Now then, as I was saying, the Langleyops themselves were preparing to close this case because of an absence of derogatory information.”

“I’ll give you derogatory information, you enabling, knuckle-dragging numbskull!”

It was the Jamescomey at the back of the cave. He was quickly ushered out.

“Ahem,” continued the Timothyshea, “as I was saying, this was no longer a justifiably predicated investigation. It was, uh … untethered. Great word. Not tied to anything. A bad case falling apart. You get the picture. We can’t have that. Got’em on the old technicality. That’s right. Had to happen. A couple of sentences to blow up three years of, uh … stuff. So, with that being said, I want to close on a happy note. The T-Rump wanted a parade and all to celebrate the return of our distinguished warrior, but the Coronavirus put a kabosh on that. Maybe later. For now, let’s all raise our short arms and sing our little hearts out to mark this grand day together. I’m sure you know the words. Come on, now …”

 

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

 

Everybody’s cheatin’

To get T-Rump votes

Supposed to lead our defense

Turned out he’s a turn coat

Feedin’ the Russian bear

Another Putin toy

Cuz when Flynn and Kislyak went there

No tellin’ what they did destroy

 

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

 

He lied about his shadow quest

He lied with every tweet

24 days to be replaced

He agreed he was guilty

So guilty, he copped a plea

He sang like some church hymn

But when Flynn and Kislyak get here

He’s gonna lie to Pence again

 

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

 

He will do what he’s gonna do

And never take the fall

Go ask Sally Yates about him

Don’t need no pardon at all

He can watch his grandson sleep

He can step on anyone’s toes

Cuz when Flynn and Kislyak get here

That’s when Billy Barr will impose

You’re free!

 

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

Come all with clout

Come all with sin

You’ll not see nothin’ like the Michael Flynn

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!