The Jerrynadler looked the dinos before him up and down, hemmed and hawed twice to air out his jowls — doctors orders — and paused for a moment. He forgot what he was going to say. Soon his brow brightened with said knowledge. He was finally ready to speak.
“The Dino Cave Judiciary hearing will now come to order. We are looking into the many, relentless, conniving, underhanded and unscrupulous ways that the leadership of the D.O.J., that is, the Dinos Open Jawed, has been continuously overstepping their bounds. That is my opening statement. My doctor told me to keep it brief … to um, pace myself so as not to give you sorry lot of Grandoldparty dinos the sport and glee of some medical catastrophe.”
“Damn!” said the Dougcollins of Georgia Orchard.
“Today we have a special Whistleblower legal dino, the Aaronzelinsky, with us. He’s no relation to the Ukraine Plain Zelensky, because you certainly don’t want to get me going on that. The Aaronzelinsky is here to help shed light on the shenanigans going on over at the DOJ. Your opening statement, please.”
“Thank you. If I may, I found that five minutes may not be enough time to thoroughly cover the full extent of the gross misconduct I witnessed, the constant barrage of threats leveled at me and to adequately represent the mental anguish they put me through. Is it okay if I take an extra 30 seconds?”
“I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with that. Go right ahead.”
But before the legal dino could begin, there came a rapping sound. All eyes turned to the Louiegohmert of the Lone Star-Texas region. He was rapping his claws loudly against the flat rock where he was squatting.
“Would the member of Lone Star-Texas kindly quit that incessant racket.”
“No, not until you take back that 30 seconds from the witness. First it’s thirty seconds and next thing it’s two whole minutes. We can’t trust you Donkeykongrus folk.”
“The witness will continue.”
But the rapping by the Louiegohmert went on instead.
“I want my thirty seconds too,” said the Lone Star Texas dino.
“You can’t have it.”
“Here we go!” said the Dougcollins. “You’re not following the Geneva Cave-In rules.”
“This isn’t the Geneva Cave-In.”
The rapping was irritating even the Dougcollins.
“Louie, would you cut that out? I’m speaking now, remember?”
“Sorry.”
The rapping stopped.
“Witness will continue.”
“Hey! I wasn’t done yet.”
“Yes you were.”
“Oh! S-u-u-u-r-r-r-e. That’s my loud put-upon voice again for those who don’t know me. I know the T-Rump loves it when I’m as disruptive as possible. What are you waiting for, Louie? Get rapping!”
The rapping began anew. The Jerrynadler frowned. His thoughts turned to blessed retirement. If he just ignore Gohmert, maybe the Lone Star loser would realize he looked like an idiot and would stop. But that realization was still on the other side of the planet, so Gohmert didn’t.
“Excuse me?” It was the Aaronzelensky.
“Yeah?” asked the Louisgohmert, still rapping obnoxiously.
“Could I get you to speed your rapping up a little bit?”
The Louisgohmert paused for a minute, completely caught off guard.
“You … want me to speed up my rapping? Uh, how come?”
“Because I like your style. I can use it as a backbeat. I think I’ll just go ahead and sing my opening statement.”
“You like my style, huh? Is this fast enough?”
He quickened his tempo.
“That’s fine.”
“Louie!” hollered the Dougcollins. “He’s tricking you, Louie! Stop! Slow down! Don’t do it, Louie!”
It was too late. Somebody liked his backbeat.
I can’t get no legal action
I can’t get no legal action
‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie
I can’t get no
I can’t get no
T-Rump made Bill Barr the Czar
Who then tells me to just let it go
He’s tellin’ me more and more
About Geoff Berman’s resignation
Well, I’m tired of his translation
I can’t get no
Oh, no, no, no
Hey, hey, hey
It’s not okay
I can’t get no legal action
I can’t get no legal action
‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie
I can’t get no
I can’t get no
When I’m watchin’ just to see
If someone’s gonna come tell me
We wanna set him free
We know he’s bad but the boss knows Roger Stone
So treat him like you’d treat me
I can’t get no
Oh, no, no, no
Hey, hey, hey
It’s not okay
I can’t get no legal action
I can’t get no straight infraction
‘Cause I try and they lie and I try and they lie
I can’t get no
I can’t get no
When I’m playin’ by the rules
And I got Flynn on this ‘cause Mueller said that
And I remember my law school
They told me, buddy, when they crack back, you make ‘em squeak
‘Cause all they know is their double speak
I can’t get no
Oh, no, no, no
Hey, hey, hey
It’s not okay
I can’t get no
I can’t get no
I can’t get no legal action
No legal action
No legal action
No legal action
I can’t get no
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 