Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Trumpassic Period Compendium …

With the Tyrumposaurus scurrying off to Mar-a-Guano with his tail between his legs and the Joebiden assuming power over the Milkanhoney Preservation, so ends the four-year fire alarm dino historians knew as the Trumpassic Period.

Belisle’s four-volume set regurgitates the entire 1,400-day Oval Dwelling debacle. He brings it home with twice-weekly cathartic tales from the initial migration ban right through the insurrection and (gasp) second impeachment. It’s all finally behind us. The Trumpassic Period — Years #1 thru 4 relive the malarkey and mayhem an apoplectic Dino Nation consumed daily as their Milkanhoney Preservation teetered on the brink.

4 books. 8 bucks. For 7 days. All four of The Trumpassic Period volumes are available for one week only at $2 each from Thursday, March 11 to Wednesday, March 17th. Follow the big footprints and the opening of mouths for said feet. From sycophancy to the Solitary Sinkhole, this compendium captures the long grift and short shrift of one truly tyrannical Tyrumposaurus.

All four years are now fossilized and available on Amazon at David Belisle’s author page.

Categories
Book News Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Trumpassic Period — Year FOUR

The decline of the Roman Empire had its moments. But none like these.

That’s right. The Trumpassic Period — Year Four: Trial by Combat puts a cap on all things politically unconscionable.

From Day 1096 to Day 1464, Belisle brings home the beefs and bones about the Tyrumposaurus that kept Dino Nation one step and a nose dive from the crazy weed patch and psychotherapy.

The Coronavirus ravages the Milkanhoney Preservation but the T-Rump continues his super spreader rallies. The Kushneratops lays claim to the community stockpile while the Randpaul is fine with spittin’ in the pool. 

Year Four: Trial by Combat is 100+ more dino tales — two per week — that capture the T-Rump’s fourth year in power for all the terrible after taste it left. There are more unsavory reptiles than you can shake a Caviaraptor leg at, all willing to holler “Election fraud!” from the highest mountain to stay in the good graces of the tyrannical T-Rump.

This 394-page chronology of T-Rump’s final days in the Oval Dwelling ring and sing with the doom and gloom infamy that 30,000 lies and a second impeachment will bring one diabolical dino. For the my-life-passed-before-my-eyes reader in you.

Available on Amazon for $4.99. Download today!

Categories
Donald Trump Satire The T-Rump Dig

We Miss You …

The Moscowmitch was beside himself with glee. News of the Ruthbaderginsburg’s passing had just reached his cave twenty minutes earlier and he was already planning on filling her vacancy on the Dino Supreme Court. He’d brought together his underlings, a.k.a Sin Hut dinos, in an emergency celebration, ahem … meeting.

“Good things happen in threes,” he exclaimed. “Three justices in four years for the T-Rump. Can you stand it?”

He turned to the Lindseygraham.

“Sorry, Lindsey, I’m afraid I have to ask you one more time, what with you being on the record on both sides of the issue. Can we count on you to vote for our nominee, whomever it may be?’

“For the last time, I told everybody they can forget what I said four years ago. I was rather emphatic about it then. And I’m very emphatic about it now. I’m in, dammit. I’m in. Sheesh. It’s really not that big a deal. A Dino Supreme Court justice. Big whoop.”

“You don’t have a shred of credibility left, do you? Welcome to the true Grandoldparty fold. I believe you’ve finally exorcised all things Johnmccain in whatever soul you have left.”

The Moscowmitch scanned the cave.

“The Susancollins. Where’s the Susancollins?”

“Eh? I’m over here.”

“Susan, what’s this nonsense about you having the tarnation, turkey giblet gall to suggest we should wait until after the November battle to make our gawd-granted decision?”

“You mean, assuming we win?”

“Oh, no you don’t! I won’t have you spoiling our little Supreme Court Opening party. Hold your tongue, Sin Hut dino.”

“Well, I was just saying how unfair it seems. I’ve already downgraded the unfairness from ‘very’ to ‘kind of’. I say there are lessons to be learned here, which puts me w-a-a-a-y ahead of whatever lessons that Betsydevos is doing. I’ve done a good job of saving face in the throes of these Grandoldparty shenanigans by scolding our guilty dinos. And there are so many. Oh, goodness. Did I just say that? But let me be clear. Scolding is all I can do. I rarely if ever follow through on my consternation. It’s a controlled consternation. As well as I can, anyway. Unfortunately, my dinos at home are showing plenty of consternation as well. Not as controlled as mine, it seems. I may even be on my way out. If that happens, will you keep me and feed me, Moscowmitch?”

“Well …”

“Remember, I did vote for impeachment.”

“Oh, look, a fresh batch of Caviarraptor legs have arrived.”

“Where?”

The Moscowmitch used the distraction to exit the conversation. The Corygardner saw him heading his way and quickly exited the cave stage right. The Lisamurkowski wasn’t so lucky. 

“Lisa.” 

“A-g-g-g-g-h!” She jumped back a foot. 

“How much dark moolah-moolah leaves is it going to take to convince you to fall into line on this issue?”

“I’m sorry. Are you speaking to me?”

She was positively trembling. The wild look in her eyes didn’t help matters. The Grandoldparty insiders had a name for her intermittent condition. GONZO … Gawking Openly Netting Zero Output.

“I asked you how much will it take?”

“I – I don’t know what to say.” She looked around and fidgeted nervously. “There’s so many dinos here, close together.”

“Don’t worry. I did saliva tests on most of the dinos before they came in. With my own tongue. See?”

He stuck out his long, discoloured tongue.

“A-g-g-g-g-h!” 

The Lisamurkowski recoiled again. With a loud slurp, his tongue recoiled back inside his mouth. She held her short arms to her chest.

“No, you don’t understand. I’m used to being alone, in Athabasca-Alaska.”

“Oh.”

“So, I hope you don’t mind if I brought a friend, the Peterframpton, with me. He’s my therapy dino companion. For those, um … cold, Athabasca-Alaskan nights? And he can sing too.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, he wrote a song about the Ruthbaderginsburg?”

“And I suppose you think I’m going to let him sing it at my Supreme Court Opening party?”

“Would you let him sing if I told you I was a … ‘maybe’?”

“Peter! What are you waiting for?! Sing the damn song!”

 

You did dare where to go

What you did do

Then you died and left us

Equality

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

Yes, you rose far above

Above what we ever had

They can’t wait to upend

And get hold of

Your old seat, to power

They are clinging

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

You rose far above

Above what we ever had

 

We’re alarmed when we think

Of this fall

You are why laws were made

From on high

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

Yes, you rose far above

Above what we ever had

You rose far above

Above what we ever had

You did dare where to go

What you did do

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor The T-Rump Dig

Mr. Caputo …

The Q-Anonymousarus dinos had gathered in the clearing for a huge rally. They were packed in like Hammerhead Sardines, cheek-to-cheek and happily yapping away about anything but social distancing and the deadly Coronavirus. In the front row there were a pair of very closely related dinos, the Billybob and the Billyjoe. They were pair of Red Neck Nukkledraggerz fraternizing full time with the Q-Anon dino crowd.

“Billybob, you sure the Mincepencenow won’t be showin’ up?”

“That’s right, Billyjoe. I heard there was this theory …”

The fifty closest dinos stopped talking all of a sudden and leaned into the conversation.

“I say, there was this theory that Mother was prone to splitting headaches at the mere mention of Pizza Gators and hell, since we let any ol’ dino in here, we darn well couldn’t guarantee that. Or maybe it was the theory, this one’s a good’n … that the Mincepencenow isn’t here because he’s suffering from a bad case of leather mouth from lickin’ the T-Rump’s tail everyday and twice on Sunday.”

“But he’s been doing that for goin’ on four years now, Billybob.”

“Yes, but he plum forgot the second time last Sunday and now he’s feelin’ remorse like, you remember when our pet dino died? Imagine a grown dino cryin’ like that. He’s really shook up about it.”

“Oh, that’s gotta be tough. But it’s the Donkeykongrus’ fault, right?”

“Each and every time. That dang Nancypelosi was thinkin’ about him, that’s right, thinking about him the exact same time it was supposed to happen. Of course it threw him off. It’s all her fault, it is. Damn Donkeykongrus dino doo-doo.”

“So many deep state conspiracies to keep track of.”

“That’s why we lost our jobs, Billyjoe. So we could follow the ever-changin’ hierarch-ichy of every plausible, cotton pickin’, perplexin’ explanation. Exponentially-speakin’ of course. But as sure as Suzie-Q’s our sister, it was worth it.”

“Damn straight. Hey, I hear that Stegastyx is the entertainment tonight.”

“Hot damn! They got great tunes, don’t they now? Blue Collar Dino … Lordy, I Lie … Best of Crimes …”

“I like that Fooling Yourself … and Come Wail Away … then there’s Crystal Wall …”

“Don’t forget that slow one, Shady … and Renegade … Cheat Madame Blue … suh-weet!”

“And The Grand Illusion. Classic … what about Too Much Executive Time on My Hands? We could go on forever.”

“That’s why they voted them the Dino’s Choice back in the day. Every song, just a fantastic, well-crafted conspiracy theory. You gotta love ‘em.”

“I hope they play that new one. Look, Billybob, here they come.”

The Stegastyx charged onto the stage and launched into their latest dinosaur rock track.

“That’s the one, Billybob! They’re playing it!”

(No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo), No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

You just made our day

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

You’re our conspiracy guy

We’re wondering who you are (secret secret, Soviet asset)

How low you set Billbarr (secret secret, pretty low, we bet) 

You’re the new virus star (secret secret, you’re no doctor yet)

We hope you’ll take us far 

 

You’ve got a secret, it’s high time you let us in

At C-D-C they all are spoiling for a deep state win

So if we see you acting strangely, we’re not surprised

You sometimes like to incite riots, your eyes opened wide

We’ll keep you alive, we’ll keep you alive

Eyes open wide, we’ll keep you alive

It’s all politics, they are animals, a conspiracy

You’re here to help us, stop Joebiden, can someone help you?

You’re our new hero, we’ll say our prayers, forget what we know 

They want us all sick, sacrifice lives, til it’s out of control

So out of control. Just out of control

They have no soul. Let the bad news roll

This is their master plan (secret secret, they will so regret)

Get sick and die, their task (secret secret, yes, we’d better fret)

One word for that, you see (secret secret, yes, you did forget)

Fill in the blank for me

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo, no no (no no) … no no (no no)

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo, no no (no no) … no no (no no)

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

Thank you very much, Mr. Caputo

For doing the job that nobody wants to

And thank you very much, Mr. Caputo

For leaving them agape like we knew you’d do

Thank you … thank you, thank you

We want to thank you … please, thank you

The problem’s plain to see

Violence will come to be

We’ll fight to save our lives

They cannot win the prize!

The time will come to pass (secret secret, November secret)

Resistors will en masse (secret secret, this is a threat)

Begin their killing spree (secret secret, you had better get)

A head start home, Mikey!

You’re Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy! … Killjoy

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Two Votes for Me Ain’t Bad …

“Gidley! Any luck?”

An exasperated, red-faced Markmeadows wiped his brow. They’d lost track of the Tyrumposaurus. Again. The Hogangidley appeared from behind a bush.

“No luck. He gave us the slip.”

“You have one job. One job! Because you don’t do much else around here. All you have to do is keep an eye on the T-Rump.”

“You better wake up and smell what you’re shoveling.”

“You’re not the Johnkennedy so knock off the down-home, grade six colloquialisms.” 

“You have to stop peeing on my foot and telling me it’s raining.”

“Hogan!”

“Sorry.”

The Markmeadows kicked a rock in the path.

“Damn. The T-Rump has been really amped up lately. Sending out his Trollertweeties at all hours. Law and order. Threatening Sportland. Picking fights with the Joebiden and the Nancypelosi. Disrespecting our veteran dinos, calling them ‘losers.’ And there’s still 60 days to the November Battle. Why, oh why did I take this job?”

“I’ll take it. If you could, um … put in a good word for me?”

“No. That’s why I took this job.”

The two Grandoldparty dinos shook their heads and continued their search. Meanwhile, half a mile away, the T-Rump had finally found a group of dinos large enough to satisfy his ego. He counted 50 or so in the clearing, sure to mushroom to 500 in his mind in the following days.

“Hello, my favorite swamp dinos! Great to be here. No, I’m not going to say anything about the Russodinos. Just that no leader has been tougher than I’ve been with them. And there is no truth to the story that intelligence of the Russodinos trying to interfere in the big November battle was withheld. How can you possibly withhold fake news? It’s fake news of fake news. Sheesh! So let’s talk about voting. Yes, I know that great dino Louisdejoy streamlined the process to make things better. Much better. Quicker. On that note, I thought we might test the voting system itself. You know, see if it works. Why wait? Because choosing me as your leader should be easy, right?”

“Here’s what you do. No fuss, no muss. You get the unsolicited ballot. Or is it the absentee ballot? Same difference. You send it in. Then you go and make sure it’s counted, just to keep them busy. Make sure they’re doing their job. They gotta tabulate. That’s right. Don’t be late with the tabulate. But if it’s late, that’s great too. Because you get to vote again. I’m sure it’s okay. My guy, the Williambarr doesn’t know and if he doesn’t know, well … Trust me. That vote is going to count. Whichever one. If both do, well, that’s the Joebiden’s fault. Because he’s playing dirty politics. Every day. They all are. Dirty politics. You gotta check your vote. Because they won’t. Follow it through.”

Just then the Markmeadows and the Hogangidley arrived. They stared around at the gaping mouths before them of fifty stock still, shocked dinos. 

“Damn!” the Markmeadows hissed under his breath. “We’re too late. He’s bamboozled them again.”

Even the T-Rump was taken aback somewhat by his speech.

“Okay, tell you what. I’ll make it easy for you to understand. I’m going to sing it. You’ll be able to remember it better. By November you’ll be humming it in your sleep.”

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

I told you every sin of Sleepy Biden 

There’s nothing left outside of fear

And maybe you will die tonight

But that’ll never change the way that I feel

And Joe is really riling up their side

I wish he couldn’t make me leave here

My horde is near and my horde has clout

Joe lied to show you this is my nightmare

He’s for the birds and I’m your horse, no doubt 

Cuz I’ve been bold for you, so strong

He’s making obstacles instead of cheers

So all I can do is keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You’ll never find ol’ Joe with a dandy speech

You’ll never call his words as bein’ pretty sweet

I know you’re looking at your duty in this pandemic pox

But that ain’t no scoop to thrill sittin’ on his bottom

In the rocker Joe rocks

I can’t lie, I can tell you that I’m something he’s not

No matter how he tries

He’ll only be able to give you nothing

Something that you’ve already got

Well, there’s only one goal that I have ever had

And that was to show my dad I know

How to take the family name and just blow it apart

He never loved me back

O-o-o-h, I know

I remember how she left me, that was Stormy’s night

She dissed me and then viewed me with dread

And though I pleaded and I begged her not to vote for that boor

She kicked my leg and said go away

So I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

I want them, I need them

So send it today and you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor The T-Rump Dig

Summer of No Sunshine …

It was the opening night of the Grandoldparty National Conference at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern. The Tyrumposaurus’ son, T-Rump Jr. approached the flat rock lectern. The dinos in the front row were taken aback by his teary-eyed status. They looked and agreed with each other that he must be crying inside because no tears were coming forth.

“Good evening, I’m Donny T-Rump and my father is leader of Dino Nation so I get to speak on the first night. I was planning to speak right before my father on the last night, but the Tyvanka wanted that spot. So, here I am. I’m okay with it. I’m not crying. Really.”

“I wanted to open by talking about unity and opportunity, to give you that, um … warm and fuzzy feeling like when you’ve just been handed a lot of moolah-moolah leaves? I know this may surprise you, but I’m always preaching togetherness. Saying nice things. But that damn Joebiden, his radical leftwing policies would stop our dino jobs cold. He wants to shut Dino Nation down again. Who shuts down Dino Nation twice in a pandemic? Damn! I said the p-word. You weren’t supposed to hear that. Can we start this over again? No?”

“Okay, okay. Look, my main squeeze is over there. Hi, Kimberly. Smile at everyone so they’ll forget. Great. Thanks. Back to me. The Joebiden. He is going to crush the average working dino. I know we’ve been calling him feeble and inept and cowering in his dark, subterranean cave, but read my eyes … he is going to crush you!

“You know, when I open my mouth in our home cave, my dad will make fun of me — dad sarcasm I call it — and yes, sometimes he tells me I’m talking nonsense and to shut the hell up. You should hear what he says to Eric. Anyway, my point is, he will treat you better than me. Yeah, his own son. Because the Grandoldparty is the home of free speech. Just don’t get in the way of my old man when he wants to cross the path to point to the sky at some heavenly body. We had to tell him it wasn’t a woman. Yeah!”

“But the Milkanhoney Preservation is the greatest place on earth. My father’s entire worldview, you know, the four places he can pick out, it really goes back to that famous quote from the Johneffkennedy, “Ask not what your dino nation can do for you but what you can do for my dad. He says you can always do better.”

“That means rejecting the radicals that want to drag us into the dark, down some path and do unspeakable things to us that well meaning conspiracy theorists on our side will then have a field day with. …. Uh, what’s that? Kimberly is making eye contact with me like she said she would if I, uh … entered a danger zone.”

He winked at her.

“Thanks, honey. My main squeeze, everyone. A bright, beautiful future is in store for us with my wife. I mean my dad. We need my father for four more years. That is, if you want a great job. Like I have. A beautiful cave. Like mine. And a perfect family and perfect partner. Me again. Kimberly, get up here and prove me wrong. Dinos! My beautiful, perfect not-yet-but-maybe-wife, the Kimberlyguilfoyle!”

Kimberly tromped over to the flat rock lectern. They went to kiss each other on the cheek but weren’t in sync. They bumped heads instead.   

“Uh, ohmigod, hello, everyone. I’m the Kimberlyguilfoyle, that’s right, the Gavinnewsom’s ex. We were married for five years. Then I married the Ericvillency for three years. That makes my average marriage four years. Do you want me for another four years?”

Bizarre looks from the crowd.

“Of course you do. Because I know a winner when I see one. The T-Rump! And Junior of course. I want to say right up front that I, like my husband and the T-Rump and every last dino who sips from the swamp, we’re all really, really sweet dinos with only nice things to say. That’s us. We want to welcome all dinos into this deep-rooted, heart-warming, transactional relationship.”

“The nicest thing I can say about the Joebiden is that he is a socialist comrade. He would swim backwards … underwater with his legs tied together by his tail … to Cuba-Scuba and Venezuela-Wayla …to bring back their destructive, socialist policies. The Joebiden and company won’t wait for an earthquake. No way. He wants to destroy Dino Nation and everything that we have fought for and hold dear right now. He wants to take the dirt from the floor of your cave. The dirt from your floor! You might go outside and get some more, but that was special dirt! You walked on it! It had that … feeling between your toes, right?”

“They want to control what you see. What you think. What you believe. They want to get inside your head. Inside your walnut. Who are these people? They want to control how you live. Remember the dirt. Louder, dinos! Remember the dirt!”

Several dinos had worried looks on their faces. Donny Jr. looked like he was crying and smiling at the same time, the happy tears trapped in his eyeballs. Kimberly was just warming up.

“The T-Rump said what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening. I’m sorry, but we cannot be more transparent than that. We really can’t. Blame it on the Joebiden. We no longer know what we’re doing because their actions are so diabolical they’re brainwashing us.”

The T-Rump Jr.’s main squeeze looked like her brain was being squeezed, caught in some obscene exorcism with the devil winning.

“They want to enslave us all to the weak, dependent, liberal, victim ideology — only red dinos can be victims. I know, it’s confusing. To the point you will not recognize Dino Nation or yourself, or your children or the dirt on your own floor.”

She turned to Donny Jr.

“You still recognize, don’t you? Donny?”

“What, the dirt on the floor?”

“Me, dummy!”

He tromped back to the lectern.

“I – I recognize you. Sure I do. At least I think I do. Baby, you need some hydroxychloroquine. So your eyes can be like mine. We’re in this together, Kimmy. Say, are you okay to sing? Because it’s time to sing our song.”

“I don’t know. I’m hearing voices in my head. Those damn Donkeykongrus. You go ahead, Donny, I’m with you in spirit.”

“Spirit, you say? Nothing else?”

She nodded hopefully.

“Okay, pumpkin squashy-kins. The Donkeykongrus can have their stupid, silly summer of love. We know better, don’t we? Hit it!”

We got to be real right-wing

Bought into a life of crime

Stayed quiet as Covid spread

It’s the summer of no sunshine

We’re not too wise, but cruel

Had a plan to change the old guard

Daddy’s it, justice got buried

Joebiden is the Loch Ness Monster

Oh, he’ll drag us back now

This summer of no fun forever

Cuz Joe would take your voice

Yeah, he’s always lurking in there

These are the worst days of your life

You need some more explainin’

Look at what they put you through

Spending the days trapped in your cave then

There’s somethin’ you can do, yeah

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh!

Man, re-election time

This is Biden’s madness

My old man’s doing fine

His tweets do not harass, whatever, whatever, no!

      

Yeah!

We’re gonna be life-changin’

Have four years really come and gone?

While my dad worked on his back-swing

Just look at all Joebiden did wrong

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh

It is the summer of no sunshine, oh, yeah

Me and Kimberly with no sunshine, oh

It is the summer

The summer, the summer of no sunshine, yeah

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Send in the Clowns …

“Good evening. I’m Wolfblitzer and I have breaking news because, unfortunately, these are the times we live in. The Jimacosta, the Andersoncooper and the Jaketapper join me as we set the stage here at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern for the Grandoldparty National Conference. First off, my heart goes out to the 175,000 plus dinos who have passed away from the Coronavirus because that is the last mention of this tragedy you will hear from the Tyrumposaurus and his followers. Jim, what can we expect tonight and for the next four days, barring the earth opening up and swallowing us all?”

“Thank you, Wolf. The T-Rump believes more of him is evidently better, so he will be speaking every night. That’s right. Every single night. Will he say the same thing? That would save us time, wouldn’t it? He’s calling himself the Talent in Chief. My sources are saying we are looking at a 4-day seminar in Acute Narcissism. Can he explain away the mess he has left in his wake over the past four years? Oh, wait, I just spotted the Marthamcsally. Let me get her thoughts on this.” 

The Jimacosta moved into position.

“Martha, one moment, please. Jimacosta, Truth be Told Mediacircustops. What are you doing here?”

“What do you think, bozo? I see dinos. They have to eat. We all do. All I’m doing is asking them to starve themselves for two — three hours, tops! — and give me their moolah-moolah leaves instead. The Markkelly is killing me! By the way, did you eat yet?”

“Uh, no. Back to you, Wolf.”

“Thanks, Jim. That was truly disturbing, indeed. Anderson, the T-Rump camp has promised some break-out stars in their dino speaker line-up. I’m not sure if they meant breakout as in jail break, but perhaps we could do a quick recap of some of these speakers for our audience. I’ll give you the name and you give our audience a brief response. Word association, if you will, in the interests of time and my incredulity.”

“Be still my beating heart.”  

“The Mincepencenow.”

“This is his warm-up for the Kamalaharris debate. She’ll win and she’s not even here.”

“The Tomcotton.”

“He thought buying Greenland was a good idea.”

“Good lord. The Nikkihaley.”

“What’s a nice girl like her … I’m sorry. The Mencepencenow is really sweating by now.”

“The Kellyanneconvixway, who just quit I might add.”

“Yes, funny, how a large audience and potential criminal charges weasel their way in. The Donkeykongrus scored another win and this isn’t even their conference.”

“The Rudygiuliani.”

“Bless his heart. The resolute rabbit hole diver taking a rare day off.”

“The Mccloskeysaurae from Saint-Louis-Phooey.”

“Wolf, let’s hope security is tight. We don’t want to see any dinos hurt.”

“No, of course we don’t. Next is the Nicholassandmann.”

“We only have his silent, grinning mug to go by. Perhaps he will give us a stirring tribute to our fine Indigenosaurae. Then again. Perhaps not.”

“Anderson, this is truly amazing. There are no less than six Tyrumposaurae on the schedule. Let’s start with Melania.”

“Let’s be serious, Wolf. She won’t be speaking. She doesn’t want to upstage her new rose garden.”

“A thorny issue there. Donald Jr.”

“According to him, the Donkeykongrus have fully embraced the Communistmanifesty dino species.”

“It certainly appears that way, doesn’t it? Let’s not forget Eric.”

“Next. I don’t traffic in Qanonymousarus theories.”

“Fair enough. And Tiffany?”

“Why is she even here?”

“Thank you for your valuable insight, Anderson. We are all smarter for it. Your thoughts, Jake? I noticed there is a melodic element traveling beneath my words. Yes, it is breaking news, everyone. The Jaketapper is going to sing.”

He isn’t rich

Can’t grow a pair

Speakers at last he has found

Are all hot air

Send in the clowns

This is death’s kiss

Who could approve?

Those who keep spreading around

The virus lies prove

They know no bounds

Send in the clowns

Can they be stopped? … Down on all fours

I pray the world might only hear their listeners’ snores

The new fascist right wing, a new vacant stare

Nothing is fine

No one is there

This is a farce

Let me be clear

If they’re all autistic savants

Then, then I won’t jeer

It’s all upside down

Send in the clowns

God help us, they’re here

He isn’t rich

But quick to smear

Turning to Loudobbs this late in his career

All falling down

These are his best clowns

Please be their last year

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Another crook in the wall …

“Ah, don’t you love the smelly aftermath of an Obamarus speech in the morning? And his wife too. Going tag team against the T-Rump.”

The Stevebannon held court under a new day’s dawn before two dozen Qanonymousarus dinos gathered around him on the Connect-the-dots coast line. He had them hanging on every word.

“They called out their best dinos, they did. A pair of lame-stream legends with some elite emotions to give you the warm and fuzzies until you cried those silly crocodilly tears. I have to admit. I was crying too. Because I was laughing so hard.”

He waited for a chuckle. Or a guffaw. None came. Of course not. Qanonymousarus dinos had no sense of humor. Their tiny walnuts spent each waking moment trying to link, one-by-one, their crazy, cryptic clues to some deep state master plan. The more wild the conspiracy, the more profound the research. There was not a moment to waste. Certainly no time to laugh. The Stevebannon reveled in propagating the myth, grinning devilishly as it snowballed into insanity.

“And the Postalsaurae. Just look at them. It’s scandalous — pure larceny — how they’ve have stolen our correspondence of Novembers past. Fraudulent. They’re all frauds! O-o-o-o-o-h, I hate frauds. They will do anything to stop the T-Rump from ruling the land. That’s why we have to keep the Postalsaurae in check. Slow ‘em down. Send ‘em home. Buh-bye.” 

There was dino murmuring as a smart-looking female dino stepped into the gathering. It was the prominent legal dino, the Audreystrauss, just in from the Manhatinhand region dino court. The Stevebannon’s eyes narrowed.

“Who are you?”

“I’m here for the Postalsaurae.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. You are under arrest.”

“Hah! Surely you jest.”

“I told you my name is Audrey.”

“What’s the charge, Audrey?”

“You were mentioning fraud? That’s one. And we also have you on that popular T-Rump pastime that happens so often you’d think it was government policy.”

“What’s that?”

“Washing your moolah-moolah leaves on the wrong banks. That is, moolah-moolah laundering. Again.”

The Stevebannon coughed.

“I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong dino.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. In fact, I’m so sure, I’m going to sing you a song about it.”

She turned to the Qanonymousarus dinos, who leaned forward as one, cocking their ears and salivating, drooling for any wayward, wild hints they could weave into their tall and growing taller deep state tale.

We don’t need no fake foundation

We don’t need no Bannon mole

Welcome to your dark, legal doom

Like Flynn, Gates and Rogerstone

Hey! Grifter! Your crimes have come home!

All in all, you’re just another crook in the wall

All in all, you’re just another crook in the wall

You took millions in donations 

Do you really have no soul?

You’re now headed to the courtroom

Like Manafort and Michaelcohen

Hey! Grifter! This is your new home!

All in all, you’re just another crook in the wall

All in all, you’re just another crook in the wall

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

DeJoy Should Be Hurled …

The Tyrumposaurus was on the warpath. Again.

“Dammit! They’ve got the Michelleobama, the Berniesanders and the Johnkasich speaking at their big convention. Who do we have? We have to be better. Bigger!”

“Well,” the Markmeadows began delicately as a parent might to a spoiled brat. “We have, uh … the feisty Ronnamcdaniel, and the Jimjordan is always looking very rabid. And don’t forget the stop-right-there Dougcollins. They always get the dinos riled up. Heh-heh.”

“B-o-o-o-o-r-i-n-g. We need something else. We have a lot of deflection to take care of with all this Louisdejoy backlash. I actually went ahead and admitted I’m slowing down the Postalsaurae services — because I can — and you’d think they were gone already. What is wrong with Dino Nation? Have they never heard of or seen the onset of tyranny before? I control the dinos. I control the shots. If they’re not willing to vote for me, then maybe we just shouldn’t have the vote.”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far, T-Rump. You’re making some of our own Grandoldparty dinos nervous.”

“Good. They should be. The Putinodon can get away with it. Why can’t I?”

The Markmeadows hemmed and hawed. These Russodino conversations before the November battle always made him nervous.

“What about entertainment? Who do we have? Tell me we have some pretty girl.”

“Not exactly. We have the Tednugent and the Kidrock. That’s the Kidrock and the Tednugent.”

“Just because you say them twice doesn’t mean we have four to choose from.”

“Uh, well … I’m afraid those are the only two dinos who want to sing for you and will do it for free. Every other dino wants to bite your head off for playing their music at your events.”

“Why is that? Look at the polls. I’m only 4 percent behind the Joebiden.”

“I – I don’t know what to say. Maybe those are polls your Russodino pals are …”

“Don’t you go there. I won four years ago fair and square. Just because I’ve talked to the Putinodon half a dozen times in the past month. Hah! You know what he told me?”

“What?”

“He said, you see what’s happening in Belarussy? That could be you next. Me! He was talking about me. It makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? A large uprising needing the Ericprince’s little green dinos will have to come in to put to rest. Sportland and Chicagoland were just the warm-up. Think  about it Mark, the Putinodon is going to help me win!” 

“But you just said.”

“Forget what I said. I did. Anything to win, Mark. Anything. Remember that. Now then, my entertainment. Who’s my entertainment?”

The Markmeadows agonized, trying to squeeze blood from a stone.

“Well … let’s see … um, there’s this group of dinos, the uh … Threedognight species. Grizzled veterans. They can be controversial at times. Hoo-boy. They have this new remake of an oldie goldie. About the Louisdejoy?”

“Great guy. Haven’t even had to say I don’t know him yet. But you did say controversial. C’mon, now. That’s just the new word for misinformation. Let’s hear it.”

Louis was his latest lapdog

A toady with no spine

He raised alarms with everything he did

He put the post office in decline

And he said everything would be fine

Singin’ DeJoy should be hurled

Got to save the world now

DeJoy has issues that we all can see

DeJoy’s on a crime spree

If I could get your toes uncurled

Tell you what he’ll do

He’ll throw away the ballots, the boxes, the service

And blame it all on you

Sing it now, DeJoy should be hurled

Got to save the world

DeJoy has issues that we all can see

DeJoy’s on a crime spree

You know he lives in Hades

For all he has done

He’s a low-life shyster and a plain insider

About as subtle as Attila the Hun

I said as subtle as Attila the Hun

DeJoy should be hurled

Got to save the world

DeJoy has issues that we all can see

DeJoy’s on a crime spree

DeJoy should be hurled

Got to save the world

DeJoy has issues that we all can see

DeJoy’s on a crime spree

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!