“Good evening. I’m Wolfblitzer and I have breaking news because, unfortunately, these are the times we live in. The Jimacosta, the Andersoncooper and the Jaketapper join me as we set the stage here at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern for the Grandoldparty National Conference. First off, my heart goes out to the 175,000 plus dinos who have passed away from the Coronavirus because that is the last mention of this tragedy you will hear from the Tyrumposaurus and his followers. Jim, what can we expect tonight and for the next four days, barring the earth opening up and swallowing us all?”
“Thank you, Wolf. The T-Rump believes more of him is evidently better, so he will be speaking every night. That’s right. Every single night. Will he say the same thing? That would save us time, wouldn’t it? He’s calling himself the Talent in Chief. My sources are saying we are looking at a 4-day seminar in Acute Narcissism. Can he explain away the mess he has left in his wake over the past four years? Oh, wait, I just spotted the Marthamcsally. Let me get her thoughts on this.”
The Jimacosta moved into position.
“Martha, one moment, please. Jimacosta, Truth be Told Mediacircustops. What are you doing here?”
“What do you think, bozo? I see dinos. They have to eat. We all do. All I’m doing is asking them to starve themselves for two — three hours, tops! — and give me their moolah-moolah leaves instead. The Markkelly is killing me! By the way, did you eat yet?”
“Uh, no. Back to you, Wolf.”
“Thanks, Jim. That was truly disturbing, indeed. Anderson, the T-Rump camp has promised some break-out stars in their dino speaker line-up. I’m not sure if they meant breakout as in jail break, but perhaps we could do a quick recap of some of these speakers for our audience. I’ll give you the name and you give our audience a brief response. Word association, if you will, in the interests of time and my incredulity.”
“Be still my beating heart.”
“The Mincepencenow.”
“This is his warm-up for the Kamalaharris debate. She’ll win and she’s not even here.”
“The Tomcotton.”
“He thought buying Greenland was a good idea.”
“Good lord. The Nikkihaley.”
“What’s a nice girl like her … I’m sorry. The Mencepencenow is really sweating by now.”
“The Kellyanneconvixway, who just quit I might add.”
“Yes, funny, how a large audience and potential criminal charges weasel their way in. The Donkeykongrus scored another win and this isn’t even their conference.”
“The Rudygiuliani.”
“Bless his heart. The resolute rabbit hole diver taking a rare day off.”
“The Mccloskeysaurae from Saint-Louis-Phooey.”
“Wolf, let’s hope security is tight. We don’t want to see any dinos hurt.”
“No, of course we don’t. Next is the Nicholassandmann.”
“We only have his silent, grinning mug to go by. Perhaps he will give us a stirring tribute to our fine Indigenosaurae. Then again. Perhaps not.”
“Anderson, this is truly amazing. There are no less than six Tyrumposaurae on the schedule. Let’s start with Melania.”
“Let’s be serious, Wolf. She won’t be speaking. She doesn’t want to upstage her new rose garden.”
“A thorny issue there. Donald Jr.”
“According to him, the Donkeykongrus have fully embraced the Communistmanifesty dino species.”
“It certainly appears that way, doesn’t it? Let’s not forget Eric.”
“Next. I don’t traffic in Qanonymousarus theories.”
“Fair enough. And Tiffany?”
“Why is she even here?”
“Thank you for your valuable insight, Anderson. We are all smarter for it. Your thoughts, Jake? I noticed there is a melodic element traveling beneath my words. Yes, it is breaking news, everyone. The Jaketapper is going to sing.”
He isn’t rich
Can’t grow a pair
Speakers at last he has found
Are all hot air
Send in the clowns
This is death’s kiss
Who could approve?
Those who keep spreading around
The virus lies prove
They know no bounds
Send in the clowns
Can they be stopped? … Down on all fours
I pray the world might only hear their listeners’ snores
The new fascist right wing, a new vacant stare
Nothing is fine
No one is there
This is a farce
Let me be clear
If they’re all autistic savants
Then, then I won’t jeer
It’s all upside down
Send in the clowns
God help us, they’re here
He isn’t rich
But quick to smear
Turning to Loudobbs this late in his career
All falling down
These are his best clowns
Please be their last year
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 