“Gidley! Any luck?”
An exasperated, red-faced Markmeadows wiped his brow. They’d lost track of the Tyrumposaurus. Again. The Hogangidley appeared from behind a bush.
“No luck. He gave us the slip.”
“You have one job. One job! Because you don’t do much else around here. All you have to do is keep an eye on the T-Rump.”
“You better wake up and smell what you’re shoveling.”
“You’re not the Johnkennedy so knock off the down-home, grade six colloquialisms.”
“You have to stop peeing on my foot and telling me it’s raining.”
“Hogan!”
“Sorry.”
The Markmeadows kicked a rock in the path.
“Damn. The T-Rump has been really amped up lately. Sending out his Trollertweeties at all hours. Law and order. Threatening Sportland. Picking fights with the Joebiden and the Nancypelosi. Disrespecting our veteran dinos, calling them ‘losers.’ And there’s still 60 days to the November Battle. Why, oh why did I take this job?”
“I’ll take it. If you could, um … put in a good word for me?”
“No. That’s why I took this job.”
The two Grandoldparty dinos shook their heads and continued their search. Meanwhile, half a mile away, the T-Rump had finally found a group of dinos large enough to satisfy his ego. He counted 50 or so in the clearing, sure to mushroom to 500 in his mind in the following days.
“Hello, my favorite swamp dinos! Great to be here. No, I’m not going to say anything about the Russodinos. Just that no leader has been tougher than I’ve been with them. And there is no truth to the story that intelligence of the Russodinos trying to interfere in the big November battle was withheld. How can you possibly withhold fake news? It’s fake news of fake news. Sheesh! So let’s talk about voting. Yes, I know that great dino Louisdejoy streamlined the process to make things better. Much better. Quicker. On that note, I thought we might test the voting system itself. You know, see if it works. Why wait? Because choosing me as your leader should be easy, right?”
“Here’s what you do. No fuss, no muss. You get the unsolicited ballot. Or is it the absentee ballot? Same difference. You send it in. Then you go and make sure it’s counted, just to keep them busy. Make sure they’re doing their job. They gotta tabulate. That’s right. Don’t be late with the tabulate. But if it’s late, that’s great too. Because you get to vote again. I’m sure it’s okay. My guy, the Williambarr doesn’t know and if he doesn’t know, well … Trust me. That vote is going to count. Whichever one. If both do, well, that’s the Joebiden’s fault. Because he’s playing dirty politics. Every day. They all are. Dirty politics. You gotta check your vote. Because they won’t. Follow it through.”
Just then the Markmeadows and the Hogangidley arrived. They stared around at the gaping mouths before them of fifty stock still, shocked dinos.
“Damn!” the Markmeadows hissed under his breath. “We’re too late. He’s bamboozled them again.”
Even the T-Rump was taken aback somewhat by his speech.
“Okay, tell you what. I’ll make it easy for you to understand. I’m going to sing it. You’ll be able to remember it better. By November you’ll be humming it in your sleep.”
Maybe we can get this right
Cuz my election is nowhere
I told you every sin of Sleepy Biden
There’s nothing left outside of fear
And maybe you will die tonight
But that’ll never change the way that I feel
And Joe is really riling up their side
I wish he couldn’t make me leave here
My horde is near and my horde has clout
Joe lied to show you this is my nightmare
He’s for the birds and I’m your horse, no doubt
Cuz I’ve been bold for you, so strong
He’s making obstacles instead of cheers
So all I can do is keep on telling you
I want them, I need them
And there is a way that you can go vote again
You should be glad
Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad
You should be glad
Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad
You’ll never find ol’ Joe with a dandy speech
You’ll never call his words as bein’ pretty sweet
I know you’re looking at your duty in this pandemic pox
But that ain’t no scoop to thrill sittin’ on his bottom
In the rocker Joe rocks
I can’t lie, I can tell you that I’m something he’s not
No matter how he tries
He’ll only be able to give you nothing
Something that you’ve already got
Well, there’s only one goal that I have ever had
And that was to show my dad I know
How to take the family name and just blow it apart
He never loved me back
O-o-o-h, I know
I remember how she left me, that was Stormy’s night
She dissed me and then viewed me with dread
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to vote for that boor
She kicked my leg and said go away
So I keep on telling you
I keep on telling you
I keep on telling you
I want them, I need them
And there is a way that you can go vote again
You should be glad
Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad
I want them, I need them
So send it today and you can go vote again
You should be glad
Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad
You should be glad
Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad
Maybe we can get this right
Cuz my election is nowhere
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 