Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Live with It …

The Deborahbirx cast a worried look at the Oval Dwelling entrance.

“Shouldn’t we wait for the Tonyfauci?”

“We don’t need that little twerp,” fumed the Tyrumposaurus. “He’ll only mix up our mixed messaging. We can do that on our own, thank you very much!”

The other members in the latest, not-so-greatest Coronavirus Task Force meeting ducked their heads so as not to be hit by any of the fall-out, virus aerosol-laden or not. Also present were the Mincepencenow, the Alexazar and the Robertredfield. The T-Rump turned to his right hand dino.

“Bring me up to speed, Mike. What’s our latest plan to make this damn virus go away? Enough already. For some reason, it refuses to listen to me. I can’t fire it. Believe me, I tried. Damn virus. No respect.”

“Your esteemed leadership, it would seem your promise that the, uh … problem would go away in April came and went. Might I add that there were no packed dino religious gatherings that you predicted would happen that month. Ahem, wrong there again. Then I said we’d have this epidemic behind us by Memorial Day. I take full responsibility on that one, T-Rump”

“Yeah. You’d better. Don’t think you can’t be replaced, you know.”

“Then the Kushneratops gave us hope with his remark that we’d be ‘really rocking’ by July when we’re on the other side of the medical aspect of this. Well, it gives me more grave disappointment to point out that, uh … your very intelligent, wise-as-can-be son-in-law was wrong too, sir. We were all wrong.”

“You are. Every damn one of you. But not me. O-o-o-o-o-h no. Not a chance. Azar! You’re up. Make this thing go away.”

“Oh, I wish I could. This is messed up, T-Rump. Somebody said we’d done 40 million tests as of a week ago and then some dumb dino said we were at 39 million yesterday. Now dinos out there think we’re going backwards. I have a question, sir. Can I like, uh … quit?”

“No! Nobody quits unless I fire them first.”

The Alexazar slunk back into his squat.

“Redfield! I told you to change those damn guidelines because you’re making them too tough. Everything is like a test now. I hate tests! Especially the part about having to pay somebody to take them for me. These tests, they drive up the numbers and make me look bad.”

“But – but we just hit 60,000 new cases in Dino Nation yesterday. I have to make it look like I’m doing something.”

“Relax. I’ve got this. Again. What do I pay you guys for? All I have to do is go with my gut. My gut is all-knowing. It knows what this Milkanhoney Preservation needs. So, we’re going to do what we always do.”

Uh-oh. The vacant looks around the cave foretold the silent, unheard despair of groaning minds.

“That’s right. Nothing. We’re just going to give up. With ample misdirection of course.”

“Misdirection?” said the Mincepencenow.

“That’s right. And I’ll be providing the entertainment.”

“Entertainment?”

“Of course. It will take their minds completely off the 130,000 dino deaths. Geez, I hate saying that number. Even though I bear no responsibility for them. Hmm. That’s probably why I hate math. The numbers are always against me. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. T-RUMP HARASSMENT! … MATHEMATICAL MISCONDUCT! … Where was I?”

“Your gut,” said the Mincepencenow. “Your gut was speaking again, sir.”

“Right. So, listen up. Here’s the new message. Trust me, you’ll want to kiss me after this. It will be the greatest kiss.”

 

Don’t go to Fauci cuz I know better

Just gotta wait for the warmer weather

Life was so sweet, now we’re gonna waste it

I gotta win, I can almost taste it

Can’t stay at home, so repeat to yourself

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

 

Covid is spikin’ across the nation

But our kids, they need their education

Go back to school or I’ll hold your money

There’s nothin’ wrong with a nose that’s runny

This ain’t no time to put our lives on the shelf

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Come on, the virus might go 

Woah!

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

 

 ………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

It’s Swift and Sweeping …

“What took you so long?”

The dinosaur doctor hurried inside the Oval Dwelling and squatted across from the Tyrumposaurus.

“I came as soon as I heard. You said you thought you were coming down with something?”

“Yes, well, the Mediacircustops first brought it up and since you’re the expert, I thought I’d run it by you before I begin to, um … panic.”

“What exactly am I diagnosing here?”

“Latent stage neurosyphilis.”

“Hmm. Well, we need to begin somewhere. What is your weight these days?”

“200.”

The dino doc gave the T-Rump a stern disbelieving glare.

“Okay, okay. 6,000 pounds.”

“That’s better. Don’t take this personally. Remember, I’m rooting for you.”

“I need a cheater, not a cheerleader.”

The doc ignored the T-Rump.

“Any gastro-intestinal issues?”

“I wish. That’s like gas lighting, right?”

“Uh, no. I remember you limping down that small hill the other day. You looked to be in great pain.” 

“Oh, that. I wasn’t limping. I’ll have you know I ran down that entire hill at top speed. Backwards.”

“Yes, of course you did. Now for your cognitive state. Look at the blank wall over there and tell me what you see.” 

“I see division.” 

“Oh? What kind of division?” 

“Bad, bad division. Very bad.” 

“I – I don’t know what to say. I’m astounded. It’s a miracle. Did I just hear you say that you understand that division is a bad thing in our society?” 

“Hardly. Division is bad because I’m losing! You gotta help me win, doc. What do I have you here for? Everything is about me winning in November.” 

“Well, perhaps if you were to read.” 

“Don’t even start. Dammit. Now look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined my day.” 

“How’s that?”

“You made me think of … school.” 

“Go on.”

The T-Rump crossed his short arms defensively.

“I hated school.” 

“And why’s that?” 

“Because all the other dinos hated me. Stupid kids. Stupid school.” 

“But there must have been something you liked.”

A thought dared frequent the T-Rump’s walnut. 

“Well, one day a dino teacher told me history was like ‘his story’ and it could be my story. I didn’t even know the guy. But he’s a great guy because history was now my story and I didn’t even have to do anything. So okay, I’ll admit it. I know history because it’s my story.” 

“Ahem, I believe what the teacher was referring to is that your life would be a part of history.” 

The T-Rump scowled at him.

“You don’t have many friends, do you? No, you’re wrong, doc. Oh, sure. There are other dinos in my story but they’re just that. History.” 

“Hmm. Now I’m beginning to understand your big speech yesterday celebrating our veteran dinos.” 

“Great speech wasn’t it?” 

“Well …” 

“I just go with my gut. I still remember the main parts. I know them so well, I could sing them.” 

“That won’t be necessary.” 

“Yes, it is, doc. I need to show you I’m not stupid. Uh, but first I’m gonna need you to give me a bouncy beat though.” 

“A … bouncy beat? Why’s that?” 

“To kick-start my brain cells. Would you mind tapping your tail against the ground and stamping on those big Doobie bugs in between your tail taps? They’ll keep you runnin.’” 

“I’ll try.” 

The good doctor began tapping and stamping.

“Good, that’s good. Don’t stop.”

 

So, as far as I know

I’m glad they’re on our side

In Vietnam they did their part

In all those jungles deep inside  

In that hot Desert Storm heat

Our warriors, all strong

We don’t have to worry

It was swift and swift, not long 

Like nobody’s ever seen anything happen

And you know that, you know

And sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, It’s swift and sweeping

Oh, you know how I feel

Hey, no bones spurs, I’d be there

But a lot of you, you yourself

Were involved in that over there 

All of you, don’t worry

That was a quick one, right?

It was over in a hurry

Swift and swift and sweeping-like

Like nobody’s ever seen anything happen

And you know that, you know

It’s sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, it’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, it’s, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping, yes, It’s swift and sweeping

It’s swift and sweeping

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!