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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Back to Your Bunker …

“Okay, Stephen, battle plans. Where are we?”

The Stephenmiller grinned devilishly. Inwardly his evil heart did cartwheels through rings of fire as thoughts of indiscriminately tossing immigrant babies to land where they may danced in his head. He absolutely loved his job.

“Well, T-Rump. We’re still getting great mileage out of your, heh-heh … walk in the park. Because that’s what we need to call it.  All those dinos are protesting and you just took a walk in the park.”

“Ahem, T-Rump?”

“What is it, Milley?”

“I just want to say on that point, that I was out of line. I had no business being there. I want to apologize to the Dino Nation for politicizing my position. It, uh … seems I have morals after all.”

“Oh, stop it. I don’t care what your morals look like. Go put’em up on the damn wall.”

“Uh, sir?” It was the Markesper. “You mean murals.”

“Don’t you start with me, Esper. It’s you who got him going on this, wasn’t it? I don’t want you speaking to him any more.”

“But that’s my job.”

“I’ll tell you what’s in your job description. I make this up as I go. You’re already on thin ice. Well, double that. Double thin ice, that’s where you are. And Milley? Where does that leave you?”

“Uh, single thin ice?”

“Don’t get cute with me. Dog House. And you remember that for me because I don’t take notes, I don’t read, I just give the orders and … you two … oh, you two. Your days are numbered. And you can just keep guessing as to what day that is. I’ll get back to you on that. Don’t you worry. And do NOT forget to remind me. Damn generals. Can’t win with them. Can’t win without’em. Carry on, Stephen.”

“Ahem. I just want to say, I love it when you get mad, boss. It makes me want to lower migration levels. Where was I? Oh, yes. That 75-year-old dino from Buffalo-Shuffle, the, uh … Martingugino. Damn exotic species. He’s got a bad head wound from the authorities supposedly knocking him down, but the Antifasaurus angle and our domination theme is playing well with our base.”

“Good, dominate the jungle. And you call that a Buffalo shuffle? Are you kidding me? Worst Buffalo shuffle I’ve ever seen. Pure embellishment. The worst.” 

“Your trip to Dallas-Lone Star? I’ve lined up several black dinos. No radicals, I promise. And you’ll be discussing anything but race.”

“Excuse me, T-Rump?” It was the Bencarson. “I, um … I told the Jaketapper last week that you were going to make an announcement on … this, um … this race thing?”

“Oh you did, did you? Well, that’s what happens when you don’t speak to me first. Blindsided again. Dammit! What is with you dinos? How come I’m always the last to find out around here? You’re just lucky I don’t fire you all. It’s only because the Foxsquawkbox has told me they’re running short of dinos. I may have to ask the Hopehicksbagotrix if she has a cousin. Don’t tempt me. If you guys can’t stay on message then don’t give a message. Just shut up and walk away. All my senators are. How many times do I have to say it? Transparency is kryptonite. Stephen?”

“You’re gonna love this, T-Rump. Okla-Tulsa. I get chills just thinking about it.”

“Never heard of it. What’s so good about it?”

“We’ll schedule a rally there on Juneteenth.”

“What the hell is Juneteeth?”

“A big day for the black dinos. Get this, Okla-Tulsa had a big dino race riot a hundred years ago and there was death and destruction. Lots of death and destruction. On both sides. Wait, it gets better. The Mediacircustops will ask you to say something about the 300 black dinos that were killed there. We’ll tell them that with 1,000 dinos dying from Coronavirus every day now, when you think about it, well … 300 isn’t really so bad.”

“Good. That’s good, Stephen. What about the situation in Seattle-by-the-Sea? Did the dino mayor there listen to my advice and take back her region with brute force — big, dominating brute force — like I told her to?”

“Well, actually, she made the trip here to speak with you personally. Should I let her in?”

“Of course. Oh, you don’t have to leave. You’re all welcome to stay and listen to her grovel. I love the groveling part.”

The Seattle-by-the-Sea dino mayor, the Jennydurkan, entered the Oval Dwelling. A beetle on the wall busied his antennae, beating an imaginary drum in the air.

 

 

Chewin’ on your silly tweet that came to me

Did you even sleep last night?

Gotta say, your finger wag, was that at me?

You’re just looking for a fight

Go back to your bunker

You don’t know how yucky you are, boy

Back to your bunker

Coronavirus runnin’ right thru this place

We should all be stayin’ home

Except you keep ignorin’ facts in your face

Man, you need to change your tone

Go back to your bunker

You don’t know how yucky you are, boy

Back to your, back to your, back to your bunker

 

Well, the Georgefloyd death really knocked you out

You left your heart behind

But most the folks, gonna sing and shout

You gone an’ lost your my-my-my-my-my-my-my-mind.

 

Go back to your bunker

You don’t know how yucky you are, boy

Back to your bunker

Well, the Georgefloyd death really knocked you out

You left your heart behind

But most the folks, gonna sing and shout

You gone an’ lost your my-my-my-my-my-my-my-mind.

 

Show me where it says you push an old man down

Take the blame, you caused the harm

Can you hear the many voices ringing out? 

A nation sounds the alarm

Go back to your bunker

You don’t know how yucky you are, boy

Back to your bunker

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

Born Free …

Thousands of dinos continued demonstrating outside the Oval Dwelling. The protest against dino police brutality and racism had been going on for a dozen days. After some earlier shenanigans, the demonstrators were peaceful. Their determined, vigorous chants filled the air, “We are here! The real McCoy! Listen up, T-Rump, you Bunker Boy!”

The Tyrumposaurus frowned from his Oval Dwelling squat. He looked to the Williambarr.

“Tell me we can move the Oval Dwelling. I can’t stand their yelling. Why don’t we just move the Oval Dwelling to one of my luxury caves?”

“Sorry, boss. We can’t move the Oval Dwelling. And we’ve moved the protesting dinos back as far as we can without causing more civil unrest.”

“This has been going on days. I can’t lead with all this noise. What are they protesting again?”

“Black Lives Matter and dino police brutality.”

“What brutality? That’s the way the dino police are supposed to respond when you’ve got this many dinos in one place — who aren’t worshipping me. Make Dino Nation great again with a whack upside the head.”

The Williambarr looked from the Homeland Security dino, the Chadwolf, to the Secretary of Rural Caves, the Bencarson, and back to the T-Rump. The leader of the free-running dino world sniffed the air. He knew something was up. 

“Oh, no. Not another hostage speech. Don’t even go there. I come off looking like a sniveling idiot last time. And the time before that. You know I don’t do empathy.”

“But, T-Rump. The dinos out there need a calming influence. Show them that we’re on the same page, even if we’re not. All you need to do is go out there and lie to them like you always do.”

“I can’t. My base is two steps left of lulu. If I send them a mixed message on whatever level of lies we’re up to, I’m liable to lose another 37 dinos. We’re stretched thin enough as it is. You’ve seen the polls. That damn sleepy Joebiden is at 50%.” He practically hissed his next words. “The Crookadillary never got that high.”

No one needed to point out that neither had the T-Rump. No one that wanted to keep their teeth. The chants continued outside.

“Stop this pandemic! Racism Systemic!”

“What the hell are they going on about?” asked the T-Rump.

“400 years of a white feet on black necks,” said the Williambarr.

“Oh, c’mon. Just because I wouldn’t let them live in my caves. But I have you three here to give me your views on this systemic whatever. Make it snappy. Last one speaking has the best chance of being remembered. Go ahead, Billy.”

“Well, I understand the distrust of the black dino given the history of Dino Nation. I’ll give them that.”

“B-o-o-r-r-i-n-g. Chad?”

“The dino police are fine dinos that protect us everyday. It’s a shame they’re being lumped together on this.”

“Better. What about you, Ben? And be careful if you want to stay a Grandoldparty dino. There’s just you, the Williamhurd and the Timscott on that, uh … race thing.”

“Actually,” the Willliambarr interrupted. “The Williamhurd is a lame duck dino.”

“My point entirely. Well, Ben?”

“We have a few rogue dinos, but most of the dino police are good dinos. I could tell you some real stories about racism back in the day.”

“Save it. Got no time for it. Few rogue dinos. Mental note. What’s rogue mean again?”

But before the Williambarr could answer, there came the loud voice of one of the dino protesters outside.

“Yes, that’s right. Black Lives DO Matter. We need to end dino police brutality and the systemic racism that’s so prevalent in our lives today. We need to remind everyone that black dinos are born equal … they are born to succeed … and they are born free.”

And the protester broke into song.

 

George Floyd and Breonna Taylor

Michael Dean, Eric Reason

George Floyd, Pamela Turner

Botham Jean, Antwon Rose the second

Stephon Clark, Terrence Cutcher

Jordan Edwards, Paul O’Neal

Philando Castile of St. Paul

Alton Sterling, Bettie Jones

Nathaniel Pickett Junior

George Floyd and Samuel DuBose

Freddie Gray, Walter Scott

And Eric Harris

Young Tamir Rice of Cleveland

Laquan McDonald

George Floyd, Michael Brown Ferguson

Eric Garner New York

Trayvon Martin, George Floyd

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!