Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Tunnel Vision …

“Alright, you lily-livered, pale-scale walnut-heads! Listen up!”

The Sergeantcarter drilled his squad of sleepy-eyed Militarysaurae with both eyeballs, looking them up and down as he waddled down the line. It was oh-six-hundred hours outside their cramped, damp caves, the nearest Militarysaurae hoof camp to the Kenosha-Sheboygan shenanigans.

“It’s come down from on high, straight from the Markmilley, that we are to continue with Operation Warpmind. Think clandestine. Nefarious. Extra nasty. That is, we take whatever violence we see and blow it out of proportion, so much so that we continue to get these local yokels coming out of the bushes and other dingleberry dinos traveling overland for days on end … with a hate on the size of the T-Rump’s ego. We need these agitators runnin’ roughshod all over the place. The more the merrier, I say. ”

“Uh, Sarge?”

It was the Gomerpyle, a recent recruit with an unwavering moral compass and a naive noggin only outweighed by his in-your-face friendliness.

“What is it, Gomer?”

“Are we still calling these peaceful protesters anarchists and Marxists?”

“That’s right.”

“G-o-o-o-o-l-l-y. They sure look peaceful though. I saw a couple of them sleeping side-by-side the other day under a tree? A big ol’ Magnolia. It was as thick as my pappy’s tail?”

“The point, Pyle. Your point?”

“Okay, Sarge. Sure. You see, they were sleeping. And as they were sleeping a little ol’ magnolia blossom floated down from the tree and it got caught in mid-air over the one dino’s nostril, you see. Just a few inches above? It just kind of hung there, only when the nostril flared and exhaled — Sur-prise! Sur-prise! Sur-prise! It went over above the other dino’s nostril and the same thing happened all over again. Again and again. Shazam! I just sat there and watched. (Sigh) Just as peaceful as can be. I hope you don’t mind that I did that, Sarge?”

“Gomer, do you know the difference between protesting and sleeping?”

“Oh, sure. That would be insomnia.”

The Sergeantcarter grumbled under his breath.

“Uh, Sarge? I have another question? These foreign dinos joining up with us? They have no visible markings. I don’t even know their names. I know you said we don’t have to know their names, but what if something happens to them and you know, we have to notify their next of kin? It made me think of my mammy and my pappy …”

“You leave your mammy and your pappy out of this! No fraternizing. Period.”

“Because they’re the enemy?”

“No, because they’re our friends and this is restricted to a need-to-know basis.”

“Right as rain, Sarge. I need to know the name of a friend.”

“No you don’t, Pyle. What I need to know is if you finished that song I told you to write for the whole camp. So we can sing it when we’re marching. At night. When no one else is listening. To drive home the point of this whole operation. In case any other dino is getting any ideas about making friends. Did you finish it?

“Sure, Sarge. Just like you wanted it.”

“Good, now don’t forget to sing it in your jim-dandy, right-neighbourly voice. And that’s an order!” 

Dealing down ‘n’ dirty, rookies on the scene

Wet behind the ears in their l’il wet dream 

They want a little play time and they took the bait

I can’t see the bloodshed if I keep lookin’ straight

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision is the test of me!

We are only here to, to plant the seed

Chaos is bracing, we just give it what it needs

Tonight’s the fight, the newbies think they’re gonna win it

We’ll sit and watch from outside the city limit

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision always seems to be the test of me, the test of me! 

Ooh, tunnel vision

I need my tunnel vision

Ooh, it helps me forget the dead, forgettin’ all of the dead

I got my tunnel vision

Seeing tunnel-tunnel 

Ooh, my tunnel vision

Ooh, tunnel vision

I got tunnel vision

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Wasting My Time with You …

The Mediacircustops, the Brianstelter, beamed at his guest, the Tyrumposaurus’ senior legal dino advisor, the Jennaellis. She had that look about her that said salty, sassy and able to snap at any moment.

“Thank you for joining us, Jenna.”

“Look, Brian, you just make sure to stick to the topic we agreed to discuss.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y … it appears you’re suing the dino pollsters for a poll that had the T-Rump 14 points behind the Joebiden. C’mon, now. Suing pollsters? Really?”

“Oh, you’d better believe it. Because they had the egregious audacity to poll adult dinos who weren’t even registered voters.”

“But they could be.”

“Could be? They could also all be anti-T-Rump activist dinos with an agenda like yours, Brian. Did I mention that your ratings are the worst?”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because you have an audience of three and we need every last dino licking the T-Rump’s toes. I mean, I can’t sleep at night knowing you’re giving those three dinos fake news.

“You can keep on patronizing me but I don’t think it’s a good look for you.”

“You’re criticizing my looks now? O-o-o-o-h, that’s low, Brian. Just for that I’m going to go on for the next ten minutes about how you don’t know the difference between an opinion piece and a factually false statement. Didn’t they teach you that in school, Brian? Don’t you want to be correct? You call yourself a Mediacircustops, Brian, and it’s your job to report the facts and then let the dinos decide.”

“Aha!”

“What?”

“You just said to report the facts and let the dinos decide.”

“So?”

“When exactly did dinos begin deciding on the facts? Facts are facts. Who, what, where, when. Those don’t change, Jenna. Because they’re the truth. Unless you are, uh … changing them to alternative facts. Hmm. Where have we heard that before?” 

“I’m not listening. Two minutes in, time to take over this interview. Why are you so upset that the T-Rump sent out his Trollertweeties telling dinos to ignore the Mediacircustops? He’s just expressing an opinion. Isn’t he allowed to do that? After all, he is also a citizen. He is the first one to actually use his platform as a Dino Nation citizen to be able to call out the fake news Mediacircustops and say you are peddlers of false information.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? The T-Rump is NOT just a citizen. He is the leader of the free-running dino world. No other citizen, no one, nada — not even you on your best day — has access to the bully pulpit. Only he does. What he says matters.” 

“Brian, the T-Rump is all about truth and facts.”

“Jenna, you’re wasting my time, Jenna.”

 

So long, I’ve been working too hard, you been talkin’ too long

Sometimes I think I will lose my mind, I only know it’s a matter of time

When you shove someone, when you shove someone

It feels so wrong, your words so blue, I need to know what I say is true

Soundin’ the gong, gotta let you know you’re talkin’ way too long 

Conversation with you is a chore, that’s why less of you is more

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you’re ruining my life

I’ve been wasting, this time you blew, gonna go tell my wife

Yeah, wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

Your head’s wood, let’s make sure that that’s understood

You are more than touched said the last survey  

Only T-Rump could make it this way

When you talk to someone, yeah, really talk to someone

Now, I see the light, in some moment, twenty years from now, one night

There’s nowhere on earth that anyone, see, will take you seriously 

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting all my time with you, you’re ruining my life

I’ve been wasting, this time you blew, gonna go tell my wife

Yeah, wasting all my time with you, you cut-in like a knife

I’ve been wasting, wasting with you

I’ve been wasting

I’ve been wasting 

Won’t the truth soon come to life?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!