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Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Two Votes for Me Ain’t Bad …

“Gidley! Any luck?”

An exasperated, red-faced Markmeadows wiped his brow. They’d lost track of the Tyrumposaurus. Again. The Hogangidley appeared from behind a bush.

“No luck. He gave us the slip.”

“You have one job. One job! Because you don’t do much else around here. All you have to do is keep an eye on the T-Rump.”

“You better wake up and smell what you’re shoveling.”

“You’re not the Johnkennedy so knock off the down-home, grade six colloquialisms.” 

“You have to stop peeing on my foot and telling me it’s raining.”

“Hogan!”

“Sorry.”

The Markmeadows kicked a rock in the path.

“Damn. The T-Rump has been really amped up lately. Sending out his Trollertweeties at all hours. Law and order. Threatening Sportland. Picking fights with the Joebiden and the Nancypelosi. Disrespecting our veteran dinos, calling them ‘losers.’ And there’s still 60 days to the November Battle. Why, oh why did I take this job?”

“I’ll take it. If you could, um … put in a good word for me?”

“No. That’s why I took this job.”

The two Grandoldparty dinos shook their heads and continued their search. Meanwhile, half a mile away, the T-Rump had finally found a group of dinos large enough to satisfy his ego. He counted 50 or so in the clearing, sure to mushroom to 500 in his mind in the following days.

“Hello, my favorite swamp dinos! Great to be here. No, I’m not going to say anything about the Russodinos. Just that no leader has been tougher than I’ve been with them. And there is no truth to the story that intelligence of the Russodinos trying to interfere in the big November battle was withheld. How can you possibly withhold fake news? It’s fake news of fake news. Sheesh! So let’s talk about voting. Yes, I know that great dino Louisdejoy streamlined the process to make things better. Much better. Quicker. On that note, I thought we might test the voting system itself. You know, see if it works. Why wait? Because choosing me as your leader should be easy, right?”

“Here’s what you do. No fuss, no muss. You get the unsolicited ballot. Or is it the absentee ballot? Same difference. You send it in. Then you go and make sure it’s counted, just to keep them busy. Make sure they’re doing their job. They gotta tabulate. That’s right. Don’t be late with the tabulate. But if it’s late, that’s great too. Because you get to vote again. I’m sure it’s okay. My guy, the Williambarr doesn’t know and if he doesn’t know, well … Trust me. That vote is going to count. Whichever one. If both do, well, that’s the Joebiden’s fault. Because he’s playing dirty politics. Every day. They all are. Dirty politics. You gotta check your vote. Because they won’t. Follow it through.”

Just then the Markmeadows and the Hogangidley arrived. They stared around at the gaping mouths before them of fifty stock still, shocked dinos. 

“Damn!” the Markmeadows hissed under his breath. “We’re too late. He’s bamboozled them again.”

Even the T-Rump was taken aback somewhat by his speech.

“Okay, tell you what. I’ll make it easy for you to understand. I’m going to sing it. You’ll be able to remember it better. By November you’ll be humming it in your sleep.”

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

I told you every sin of Sleepy Biden 

There’s nothing left outside of fear

And maybe you will die tonight

But that’ll never change the way that I feel

And Joe is really riling up their side

I wish he couldn’t make me leave here

My horde is near and my horde has clout

Joe lied to show you this is my nightmare

He’s for the birds and I’m your horse, no doubt 

Cuz I’ve been bold for you, so strong

He’s making obstacles instead of cheers

So all I can do is keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You’ll never find ol’ Joe with a dandy speech

You’ll never call his words as bein’ pretty sweet

I know you’re looking at your duty in this pandemic pox

But that ain’t no scoop to thrill sittin’ on his bottom

In the rocker Joe rocks

I can’t lie, I can tell you that I’m something he’s not

No matter how he tries

He’ll only be able to give you nothing

Something that you’ve already got

Well, there’s only one goal that I have ever had

And that was to show my dad I know

How to take the family name and just blow it apart

He never loved me back

O-o-o-h, I know

I remember how she left me, that was Stormy’s night

She dissed me and then viewed me with dread

And though I pleaded and I begged her not to vote for that boor

She kicked my leg and said go away

So I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

I want them, I need them

So send it today and you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Tunnel Vision …

“Alright, you lily-livered, pale-scale walnut-heads! Listen up!”

The Sergeantcarter drilled his squad of sleepy-eyed Militarysaurae with both eyeballs, looking them up and down as he waddled down the line. It was oh-six-hundred hours outside their cramped, damp caves, the nearest Militarysaurae hoof camp to the Kenosha-Sheboygan shenanigans.

“It’s come down from on high, straight from the Markmilley, that we are to continue with Operation Warpmind. Think clandestine. Nefarious. Extra nasty. That is, we take whatever violence we see and blow it out of proportion, so much so that we continue to get these local yokels coming out of the bushes and other dingleberry dinos traveling overland for days on end … with a hate on the size of the T-Rump’s ego. We need these agitators runnin’ roughshod all over the place. The more the merrier, I say. ”

“Uh, Sarge?”

It was the Gomerpyle, a recent recruit with an unwavering moral compass and a naive noggin only outweighed by his in-your-face friendliness.

“What is it, Gomer?”

“Are we still calling these peaceful protesters anarchists and Marxists?”

“That’s right.”

“G-o-o-o-o-l-l-y. They sure look peaceful though. I saw a couple of them sleeping side-by-side the other day under a tree? A big ol’ Magnolia. It was as thick as my pappy’s tail?”

“The point, Pyle. Your point?”

“Okay, Sarge. Sure. You see, they were sleeping. And as they were sleeping a little ol’ magnolia blossom floated down from the tree and it got caught in mid-air over the one dino’s nostril, you see. Just a few inches above? It just kind of hung there, only when the nostril flared and exhaled — Sur-prise! Sur-prise! Sur-prise! It went over above the other dino’s nostril and the same thing happened all over again. Again and again. Shazam! I just sat there and watched. (Sigh) Just as peaceful as can be. I hope you don’t mind that I did that, Sarge?”

“Gomer, do you know the difference between protesting and sleeping?”

“Oh, sure. That would be insomnia.”

The Sergeantcarter grumbled under his breath.

“Uh, Sarge? I have another question? These foreign dinos joining up with us? They have no visible markings. I don’t even know their names. I know you said we don’t have to know their names, but what if something happens to them and you know, we have to notify their next of kin? It made me think of my mammy and my pappy …”

“You leave your mammy and your pappy out of this! No fraternizing. Period.”

“Because they’re the enemy?”

“No, because they’re our friends and this is restricted to a need-to-know basis.”

“Right as rain, Sarge. I need to know the name of a friend.”

“No you don’t, Pyle. What I need to know is if you finished that song I told you to write for the whole camp. So we can sing it when we’re marching. At night. When no one else is listening. To drive home the point of this whole operation. In case any other dino is getting any ideas about making friends. Did you finish it?

“Sure, Sarge. Just like you wanted it.”

“Good, now don’t forget to sing it in your jim-dandy, right-neighbourly voice. And that’s an order!” 

Dealing down ‘n’ dirty, rookies on the scene

Wet behind the ears in their l’il wet dream 

They want a little play time and they took the bait

I can’t see the bloodshed if I keep lookin’ straight

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision is the test of me!

We are only here to, to plant the seed

Chaos is bracing, we just give it what it needs

Tonight’s the fight, the newbies think they’re gonna win it

We’ll sit and watch from outside the city limit

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision always seems to be the test of me, the test of me! 

Ooh, tunnel vision

I need my tunnel vision

Ooh, it helps me forget the dead, forgettin’ all of the dead

I got my tunnel vision

Seeing tunnel-tunnel 

Ooh, my tunnel vision

Ooh, tunnel vision

I got tunnel vision

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!