Sweat dripped profusely from the Tyrumposaurus rally campaign dino’s brow. He wiped it away, stealing a peek at the T-Rump.
“It’s not too late to cancel this thing.”
“Are you kidding me?!” roared the T-Rump. “There are millions of dinos out there. Millions! Do I have to get the Seanspicer in here to tell you that?”
“It — it’s just that Okla-Tulsa is experiencing record highs in their daily count of new Coronavirus cases.”
The T-Rump shook his head. Uh-oh. He was wearing that career-ending frown again.
“Mike, do you want to fill in this lunkhead or do I have to?”
The Mikepence stepped forward, planted his big feet shoulder width apart, stared ahead and set his jaw for his most dignified mother-knows-best voice.
“Let’s all try to remember that any record levels, and yes, there may be more new records set day after day after day … after day. And okay, there may be 8,000 new cases next door in Texas-Lone Star. And twenty regions of Dino Nation may be showing ten percent increases or more since last week …”
“Mike, you’re going the wrong way on this.”
“Sorry, your esteemed highness of most esteemed heights. I was just trying to set some context for the incredible comeback we’re about to make under your priceless leadership from this invisible enemy that has killed 120-thou — … I mean, this is only a short term situation — trust me — and these increasing case numbers are only because of the great work dinos are doing with regards to the amount of increased testing. They’re testing too good. Heh-heh. Just too darn good. As a matter of fact, I told them the other day, slow down, you’re making us look bad.”
He paused for laughter. None was coming.
“So, what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that things may look very, very, very bad but I just look at the dino who got us into this, our leader, the T-Rump, and I know we’re all going to be praying that he can get us out of it. I know he can. That’s why I’m praying. And one last thing, don’t believe the Mediacircustops when they say that increased testing means there will be more contact tracing … which will find the sick dinos … and thus bring the new case numbers down. That just isn’t so. Community spread? What is that I ask you? Asymptomatic? Dino Nation is tired of hearing these big words they have no use for. I’m not a scientist but you, me, the T-Rump, we can take back the great Milkanhoney Preservation, refute these so-called scientific findings … and still sleep soundly at night. It’s unfortunate that the Mediacircustops have reduced themselves to fear mongering.”
“Fear mongering!” The T-Rump bellowed. “Thanks, Mike. We all needed that. And remember, if any fake news Mediacircustops confronts you on this, tell them what Kayleigh said because she’s getting damn good mileage out of our latest, last-gasp excuse. What’d she say again, Mike?”
“Yes, oh great one, she combined our winning strategy of deflection, projection and dejection. She said, ‘How come there’s all this concern for the dinos at the Okla-Tulsa rally? What about all those rabble-rousers protesting across Dino Nation? What about that?’ It was truly a remarkable remark that we can all be proud of, giving us all cover another day. We really need to put all our focus on this rally now.”
The Timmurtaugh, T-Rump’s battle campaign Mediacircustops dino director cleared his throat.
“Ahem. I just wanted to report back to you, T-Rump. The Okla-Tulsa dinos asked us what health precautions we are taking to protect their citizen dinos. I told them that we would be anointing them with T-Rump swamp water. And a pat on the back. A solid pat on the back. They should expect a big, boisterous crowd of 19,000 strong, cheek-to-cheek, jowl-to-jowl in that confined space. They’ll be hollering their lungs out, spewing all kinds of infectious particles into the air space. But the swamp water. We do have the swamp water. No worries, boss.”
“Good job, Tim.”
There came a commotion from outside. The dinos continued gathering with the big rally still 24 hours away.
“Ah, listen to them,” said the T-Rump, cocking an ear. “Sounds like a song. Probably about me. That’s my base. Always behind me. Great dinos. Best dinos ever.”
Well, I been sittin’ yonder
For three whole days give’r take
They want this here waiver signed
They said we gotta warn ya
So before the virus gets ya
Just sign here on the dotted line
My momma called me crazy
Now I ain’t no shrinkin’ daisy
Gonna show them all this time
Cause you know I got no schooling
I don’t need no Biden fool
Want to just join the line
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Gonna go ahead and do it
Don’t need no mask, I say screw it
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
So they’re testin’ more than they should
And there goes the neighborhood
My eyeballs must be in decline
That’s the gospel from Hannity
And that man ain’t never wrong
But my momma says T-Rump’s a swine
So then I started drinkin’
And then I got to thinkin’
Poor momma has to bear in mind
Social distance has me leavin’
And that’s why she’ll be grievin’
Bye, Ma, it’s Tulsa time
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Gonna go ahead and do it
Don’t need no mask, I say screw it
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
Gonna go ahead and do it
Don’t need no mask, I say screw it
Dyin’ on Tulsa time
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 