Category: Satire

“Michigonia. 9 points! Can you stand it?!”

The Joebiden was pumped. He and the Kamalaharris were going over the latest numbers on dino regional polls eight days prior to the November battle.

“Dairyland, plus 7. Pennsylvaneus, plus 6. The early voting numbers are through the roof. That can only help us. Stay the course, Joe. We just have to stay the course.”

“Everything seems to be falling into place. The T-Rump’s response to the Coronavirus continues to be a complete disaster as infection rates have surpassed the record levels of the summer.”

“The Markmeadows said they can’t control it.”

“They’ve given up. They’re goin’ home!”

“And they can’t even do that,” she said, shaking her head in wonder. “The Mincepencenow’s dino staff has at least five dinos testing positive and he refuses to stop campaigning. They maintain it’s an essential service.”

“It’s an essential service for the T-Rump because he’s going to the Solitary Sinkhole if he doesn’t win. But do continue with the so-called October surprises that all appear to be going our way.” 

“The Mediacircustops refuse to talk about the Hunterbiden-Ukraine Plain misinformation campaign. That’s a big backfire for them. Then you have the confirmation of the Amyconeybarrett today. That should bring the Donkeykongrus dinos out of every nook and cranny of every cave in Dino Nation. And the T-Rump walking out of his interview with the Lesliestahl. Whining about tough questions. Another surprise that won’t be happening is the T-Rump’s new health care plan. He’s been promising that it’s two weeks away for the past six months.”

The Joebiden gritted his teeth.

“I’m still worried about him. We can’t let our guard down. You know how he plays.”

“Right now he’s not playing well with any dino demographic besides white-striped male dinos who played hooky. What regions are we going to be focusing on this week?” 

“I want you to head on out to the Land of the Longhorns. It’s close. We may get lucky there.”

“And where are you going to be?”

“Oh, a place that’s especially dear to me. A place where it could be game over.”

Georgia, Georgia

Biden wants you 

T-Rump’s motley throng

Has Georgia on the line 

I said Georgia, Georgia

You’re turnin’ blue 

If you see me clear

It won’t be like last time

There it was, for all to see

Needin’ a governor, peachy-sweet

Crooked Kemp stole from Stacy

What are we gonna do?

I said Georgia, oh Georgia

Don’t lose your mind 

T-Rump’s moronic throng

Has Georgia on the line 

The red states don’t hold the key

Been so long, you been blue to me

Since, mama says that would be

Clinton in ninety-two

Woah, Georgia, Georgia

The peace, the peace you’ll find

T-Rump’s mindless throng

Has Georgia on the line 

I said T-Rump’s maniacal throng

Has Georgia on the line 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

You could cut the apoplexy with a sharp-edged rock. The third and final debate between the Tyrumposaurus and the Joebiden was underway in the bubbling backwater of Gnash-at-Will in the Tennis Shoe footprint of Dino Nation. The moderator, the Kristenwelker addressed the leader of the free-running dino world.

“T-Rump, could you bring us up to speed on what you are doing to fight the Coronavirus?”

“What Coronavirus? The spikes are gone. We’ll have a vaccine ready within weeks. I’ve been congratulated by dino leaders for the great job I’ve done. We are rounding the turn.”

The Joebiden shook his head, eyes rolling.

“Wrong, wrong, wrong and oh, by the way, wrong again. Any dino responsible for this shouldn’t run a fossil fuel retirement party, much less Dino Nation. You have no plan. Your response has been absolutely tragic. We are headed for a dark winter, folks.”

“I prefer calling it a sweet, early spring. I’m thinking of cancelling snow. In the meantime, we are learning to live with it.”

“Are you kidding me? C’mon. We’re learning to die from it. 220,000 dead dinos. On your watch. And you said you’re not responsible.”

“I take full responsibility. It was the Chopstickchowmein dinos who caused this.”

“Moving onto immigration,” said the Kristenwelker. “T-Rump, it’s been reported that your dinos lost 545 migrant dino tots and you have no idea where they are. What are you doing about this?”

“Before they went missing, we need to remember that they received the greatest in dino care and accommodations. Dankness, dampness and the temperatures, all kept minimal. My best and brightest dinos are working on this. Going on three years now, but it’s a big jungle out there. And I’m doing this because I’m the least racist dino in this debate.”

“Correction, Abrahamlincoln here is the most racist dino we’ve ever had leading Dino Nation.”

“I am not the Abrahamlincoln.”

“Well, bless your heart. The first truth you’ve told today.”

“Next up, climate change. T-Rump, why don’t you believe in the science?”

“Because the windows are getting smaller.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s all the A-O-C-plus-3’s fault. Windows in the caves used to be big. Big, big, great big windows. Now they’re getting smaller. Pretty soon we won’t have any windows. No windows at all. We won’t be able to see.”

The Joebiden shook his head.

“I wasn’t going to say it, but I can’t stop myself. You’re a clown.”

“I know more about wind than you do.”

“Because you’re a windbag full of hot air.”

“Dinos, calm down. T-Rump, when are you going to show your Mytaxes Returnus?”

“Funny you should mention that. I just spoke with my dino accountant. They’re under audit. Imagine that. I’ll release them soon. Maybe before the vaccine. Maybe after. Maybe both at the same time. But I do prepay millions of moolah-moolah leaves. Or is it billions? I don’t pay anything to the Russodinos. Never have. But I have to give ten percent to the Big Dino. You’re the Big Dino, Joe. I think.”

The Joebiden glared at him.

“You’ve been waiting four years. Your Big Dino is the Putinodon. Why can’t you say anything bad about him? Not one word.”

The T-Rump held up a short arm and eyed the Kristenwelker.

“May I?”

And he began to sing.

Nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, he’s depressed

I wasn’t looking before this job found me

I tried to hide from Putin’s sight

That’s why he never helped me

Forget Helsinki

My intelligence is never right

And nobody has been tougher

These sanctions destroy his manhood 

Nobody does it quite the way I do

He’s afraid of me for good

One day he then told me

Because I’m so bold, see?

There’s some kind of monster inside you

Because I’m so cunning

He found it all stunning

Who’d you burn to know the things you do?

And nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ you, he’s depressed

Maybe I’m the best

I think I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“I was terrible out there. Terrible! That was the worst. How could you let this happen to me? How could you, Mark?”

A panicked Tyrumposaurus slumped behind his rocky, resolute monolith desk. The Markmeadows wiped his sweaty brow and tread carefully, wondering how he could accidentally trip on his tail and knock himself unconscious so as not to answer the question. Sycophancy trumped pain.

“It’s all my fault, T-Rump. Every last word you said. My fault. That was supposed to be a town hall where they were supposed to worship and praise you. And give you softball questions.

“No, instead they grilled me on whether or not I took a test the day of the first debate. They said it was the honour system. They should know better. And the pandemic. I said we could’ve had 2 million dead dinos but we’re only at 215,000.”

“But then you said one dead dino is one too much.”

“You see? I can’t even fake kindness. And I told them I will look after dinos with pre-existing conditions.”

“But, uh … you have a case before the Dino Supreme Court that would wipe them out.”

“C’mon. You know me. I’m just covering my bases. I can’t lose. I never lose.”

The T-Rump slumped again. He was slumping a lot lately. 

“19 days. 19 days until the November battle. I don’t like the looks of this. Eight, ten, twelve points behind the Joebiden. Everywhere. I’m begging the subterranean cave lady dinos and they’re not biting. No one’s biting. I’m living in a Trumpassic Period with no teeth, dammit! What the hell is going on, Mark? Don’t just stand there. Do something!”

Twenty minutes later, the Markmeadows returned with the Jayferguson, a bronzed, amphibious, archipelago-hopping dino. The T-Rump gave him the once over and nodded.

“Nice tan. What’s your secret?”

“Lots of archipelago hopping.”

“You don’t say. Do you bump into any archangels? Twenty-somethings?”

“To quote the Amyconeybarrett, I’m not sure where you’re going with that?”

“Ahem. Yes. Well, she’s a lock. And I need to be a lock too. Whatcha got for me?”

“Well, the Rudygiuliani gave me some new Russodino info on your opponent … if you’re up for more Russodino info.”

The T-Rump looked at the Markmeadows and chuckled.

“I like this guy. Am I up for Russodino info. Does my wife hate Christmas? Okay, Jay. Let ‘er rip.” 

Sha la, la, la, la, la, they’re shady

In Ukraine, that was Biden’s son

Play it again, Sam

Calling his name cuz Joe’s in the way

 We’ll make ’em pay, graspin’ as we’re slidin’

Chasin’ tails, outing Hunterbiden

He was a bold, new Burisma newcomer

Thanks to dad, it was his to plunder 

Until came the prosecutor’s bark

Corruption gone wild! 

So Papa Joe stepped in to do his fighting

Sound the alarm, outing Hunterbiden

Under our nose

Their criminal past

And there goes Joe, laughing at his free pass

Father and son lying like it’s all FINE! 

It’s not fine

So, sha la, la, la, la, la, they’re shady

He’s the one, that was Biden’s son

We’ll have a trial today and every day

Put Billbarr as the reaper

He’ll dismember their rights like T-Rump planned

One more try, outing Hunterbiden

Busted Hunterbiden!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

“Why did you lie to Dino Nation and why should we trust what you have to say now?”

The question from the Mediacircustops in the front row to the Tyrumposaurus froze the other veteran Mediacircustops. Had the dino gone mad? The Bobwoodward had caught the T-Rump saying he knew how deadly the Coronavirus was back in February but the T-Rump kept that information from the public and instead minimized the virus’ impact. The T-Rump glared at the Mediacircustops, strengthening his grip on the flat rock bully pulpit.

“Look, the Bobwoodward is a dino that I respect, just from hearing his name for many, many, many years. Okay? I hear his name all the time. Now then, I don’t know much about his work. I don’t care about his work. I don’t know why I met him. But I did. I thought it would be interesting and also provide someone to listen to me for, you know, 18 times. So we did that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t even know if what he’s saying is good or bad. But certainly if he thought that was a bad statement he would’ve reported it.”

“To who?”

“To the authorities.”

“But you are the supreme authority, the leader of the free-running dino world.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute.”

The T-Rump’s finger jabbed the air, pointing at the accusing Mediacircustops.

“Your question, the way you phrased that, accusing me of lying. That was such a disgrace. Just as the Washingtonpostian dinos have disgraced themselves 20,000 times on my behalf.”

“But you said the virus was five times worse and then you said it was just like the flu. So which is it?”

The T-Rump was foaming at the mouth. He spit out foam, phlegm and the remnants of a half-chewed Cheezbuggabugga.

“It’s very simple. Listen, I want to show a level of confidence and I want to show strength as a leader and I want to show our Dino Nation is fine one way or the other. Whether it’s one dead dino or 180,000 … or two-and-a-half or three million dead dinos, which it could’ve been if I didn’t make the moves I did.”

“I’m sorry, did you just say that three million dead dinos would still give you a level of confidence?”

“Again with the disgrace. It’s a wonder you still have a job. Do you want to know whose fault this really is? The Donkeykongrus. The Nancypelosi, the Chuckschumer and the Bobwoodward for even bringing it up. 18 times. It’s on him. I’m innocent. Just to drive that point home, I will put this another way so you can wrap your small mind around it.” 

An ominous sound wound its way through the gathering, the T-Rump scowled and began to sing.  

…

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

And I’ve been waiting for you, Woodward, for all my life, my word

Can you feel the virus in the air tonight? My word, absurd.

Well, if I told you it was airborne, and it could get out of hand

I also said before, to no end, you might get the sniffles, nothing more than

Well, I was there and I heard what it did, very deadly they did advise

So we know where it’s been, it’ll go away then

These are not a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

Well, I’ve been waiting for this election all my life, my word

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word, absurd

Well, this November, this November, don’t worry, is it at zero yet?

It’s the worst virus, the worst time we ever met

But O’Brien’s reason is why I had to shut them up, no, they don’t fool me

Well, the hurt doesn’t show, play it down like so

There’s no danger to you and me

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

Well, I’ve been hearing that the children will see some strife, my word

I can feel it in the air all right, my word, absurd

Well, I’ve been saying that the children can live their lives, my word

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

And I’ve been waiting so long to get on with my life, my word  

I can feel it in the air all right, my word, my word, absurd

Well, I’ve been saying it’s not my fault, this loss of life, my word, absurd

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!