Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

Hunterbiden …

“I was terrible out there. Terrible! That was the worst. How could you let this happen to me? How could you, Mark?”

A panicked Tyrumposaurus slumped behind his rocky, resolute monolith desk. The Markmeadows wiped his sweaty brow and tread carefully, wondering how he could accidentally trip on his tail and knock himself unconscious so as not to answer the question. Sycophancy trumped pain.

“It’s all my fault, T-Rump. Every last word you said. My fault. That was supposed to be a town hall where they were supposed to worship and praise you. And give you softball questions.

“No, instead they grilled me on whether or not I took a test the day of the first debate. They said it was the honour system. They should know better. And the pandemic. I said we could’ve had 2 million dead dinos but we’re only at 215,000.”

“But then you said one dead dino is one too much.”

“You see? I can’t even fake kindness. And I told them I will look after dinos with pre-existing conditions.”

“But, uh … you have a case before the Dino Supreme Court that would wipe them out.”

“C’mon. You know me. I’m just covering my bases. I can’t lose. I never lose.”

The T-Rump slumped again. He was slumping a lot lately. 

“19 days. 19 days until the November battle. I don’t like the looks of this. Eight, ten, twelve points behind the Joebiden. Everywhere. I’m begging the subterranean cave lady dinos and they’re not biting. No one’s biting. I’m living in a Trumpassic Period with no teeth, dammit! What the hell is going on, Mark? Don’t just stand there. Do something!”

Twenty minutes later, the Markmeadows returned with the Jayferguson, a bronzed, amphibious, archipelago-hopping dino. The T-Rump gave him the once over and nodded.

“Nice tan. What’s your secret?”

“Lots of archipelago hopping.”

“You don’t say. Do you bump into any archangels? Twenty-somethings?”

“To quote the Amyconeybarrett, I’m not sure where you’re going with that?”

“Ahem. Yes. Well, she’s a lock. And I need to be a lock too. Whatcha got for me?”

“Well, the Rudygiuliani gave me some new Russodino info on your opponent … if you’re up for more Russodino info.”

The T-Rump looked at the Markmeadows and chuckled.

“I like this guy. Am I up for Russodino info. Does my wife hate Christmas? Okay, Jay. Let ‘er rip.” 

Sha la, la, la, la, la, they’re shady

In Ukraine, that was Biden’s son

Play it again, Sam

Calling his name cuz Joe’s in the way

 We’ll make ’em pay, graspin’ as we’re slidin’

Chasin’ tails, outing Hunterbiden

He was a bold, new Burisma newcomer

Thanks to dad, it was his to plunder 

Until came the prosecutor’s bark

Corruption gone wild! 

So Papa Joe stepped in to do his fighting

Sound the alarm, outing Hunterbiden

Under our nose

Their criminal past

And there goes Joe, laughing at his free pass

Father and son lying like it’s all FINE! 

It’s not fine

So, sha la, la, la, la, la, they’re shady

He’s the one, that was Biden’s son

We’ll have a trial today and every day

Put Billbarr as the reaper

He’ll dismember their rights like T-Rump planned

One more try, outing Hunterbiden

Busted Hunterbiden!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

Mar-a-Guano …

Dinosaur teeth gnashed, nostrils flared and Cheezbuggabuggas disappeared like a Donkeykongrus Subpoenasaurae. It was another fast food feast at Mar-a-Guano, the Tyrumposaurus’ flogging resort in the Neverglades. The T-Rump raised his Dietcoker

“Here’s to good friends. Good friends who want something from me and are willing to pay handsomely for it.”

The T-Rump coughed loudly. A wealthy dino from the Georgia Orchard raised a short arm.

“T-Rump, you don’t still have the Covid, do you?”

“Oh, that? That was just a chunk of Cheezbuggabugga I didn’t feel like chewing. Don’t worry about me. I feel better than I did twenty years ago. Ah, the Marla years …”

Another cough from the T-Rump.

“Another chunk. I’ll be fine.”

The T-Rump was wracked by a long, messy coughing fit. 

The Georgia Orchard dino was concerned.

“About that special swamp water y’all been drinking? You know, the kind we can’t get? You were in bad shape last week, T-Rump. We didn’t come here to get sick and die. And, uh, by the way, that swamp water could just be maskin’ your symptoms. It’s just helpin’ with the inflammation. It ain’t no Covid cure. Nosirrree.”

“Hey! Who let a doctor in here? You’re just like the Mediacircustops. Blowing this pandemic all out of proportion. You can beat Covid. I did. So, eat up. Get in there, close together. Rub those elbows. Here, let me hand them out to everybody. You can say I touched your Cheezbuggabugga. You’ll be s-o-o-o-o popular with your friends. Cheezbuggabuggas for all. I spared no expense. Trust me, we’ve rounded the corner on this Covid thing. I don’t know where they’re getting this 400,000 dead dinos by February number. I’ve already saved 2 million. That puts us w-a-a-a-a-y ahead of the game. Scientists. Hmmph. Who needs’em?”

A Land of Longhorns dino in the Cheezbuggabugga line raised a short arm.

“Thanks again for having us here at Mar-a-Guano. We’re so privileged. We all sincerely hope you win the November Battle. Otherwise why would we all be here, right, dinos?”

Nods all around from the chomping, dripping dino mugs.

“Of course that’s why you’re here,” said the T-Rump. “And that brings us to the entertainment portion of today’s big shin-dig. To remind us why you keep coming back to my home sweet Neverglades home. Again and again. Could we have a slow, melancholy backdrop, because this is serious stuff.”  

Mar-a-Guano, let’s talk about the finances

Gotta improve your chances, pay for play now

Oh, she’s a good one

Making a million-five per season

A good enough reason you

Should get on board now

So you want to be an ambassador

Welcome to my stable

Membership’s a quarter mill and then you’re all set

A revenue stream, the finest thing

Centerpiece on every table

Dined here 400 times and I haven’t paid yet.

Mar-a-Guano, oh, she’s the world’s eighth wonder

Don’t wait any longer for that government loan

The dinners, the galas, I have a lotta folks talking

I’m glad you came knocking, here, I’ll throw you a bone

This is my comfort zone, it’s no surprise

I reap rewards as you patronize

Favors you seek, the gatekeeper you pay

Close access has its highs and lows

Isn’t it funny how the most money holds sway?

Mar-a-Guano, she’s now the best of your chances

Come book a few dances, I raised the rate

Special interests reign, in the swamp I drain for you

You get an inside track to policy

An inside track to policy

You’d better get some money to me before it’s too late

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!