Donald Trump Humor Satire

Nobody Has Been Tougher …

You could cut the apoplexy with a sharp-edged rock. The third and final debate between the Tyrumposaurus and the Joebiden was underway in the bubbling backwater of Gnash-at-Will in the Tennis Shoe footprint of Dino Nation. The moderator, the Kristenwelker addressed the leader of the free-running dino world.

“T-Rump, could you bring us up to speed on what you are doing to fight the Coronavirus?”

“What Coronavirus? The spikes are gone. We’ll have a vaccine ready within weeks. I’ve been congratulated by dino leaders for the great job I’ve done. We are rounding the turn.”

The Joebiden shook his head, eyes rolling.

“Wrong, wrong, wrong and oh, by the way, wrong again. Any dino responsible for this shouldn’t run a fossil fuel retirement party, much less Dino Nation. You have no plan. Your response has been absolutely tragic. We are headed for a dark winter, folks.”

“I prefer calling it a sweet, early spring. I’m thinking of cancelling snow. In the meantime, we are learning to live with it.”

“Are you kidding me? C’mon. We’re learning to die from it. 220,000 dead dinos. On your watch. And you said you’re not responsible.”

“I take full responsibility. It was the Chopstickchowmein dinos who caused this.”

“Moving onto immigration,” said the Kristenwelker. “T-Rump, it’s been reported that your dinos lost 545 migrant dino tots and you have no idea where they are. What are you doing about this?”

“Before they went missing, we need to remember that they received the greatest in dino care and accommodations. Dankness, dampness and the temperatures, all kept minimal. My best and brightest dinos are working on this. Going on three years now, but it’s a big jungle out there. And I’m doing this because I’m the least racist dino in this debate.”

“Correction, Abrahamlincoln here is the most racist dino we’ve ever had leading Dino Nation.”

“I am not the Abrahamlincoln.”

“Well, bless your heart. The first truth you’ve told today.”

“Next up, climate change. T-Rump, why don’t you believe in the science?”

“Because the windows are getting smaller.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s all the A-O-C-plus-3’s fault. Windows in the caves used to be big. Big, big, great big windows. Now they’re getting smaller. Pretty soon we won’t have any windows. No windows at all. We won’t be able to see.”

The Joebiden shook his head.

“I wasn’t going to say it, but I can’t stop myself. You’re a clown.”

“I know more about wind than you do.”

“Because you’re a windbag full of hot air.”

“Dinos, calm down. T-Rump, when are you going to show your Mytaxes Returnus?”

“Funny you should mention that. I just spoke with my dino accountant. They’re under audit. Imagine that. I’ll release them soon. Maybe before the vaccine. Maybe after. Maybe both at the same time. But I do prepay millions of moolah-moolah leaves. Or is it billions? I don’t pay anything to the Russodinos. Never have. But I have to give ten percent to the Big Dino. You’re the Big Dino, Joe. I think.”

The Joebiden glared at him.

“You’ve been waiting four years. Your Big Dino is the Putinodon. Why can’t you say anything bad about him? Not one word.”

The T-Rump held up a short arm and eyed the Kristenwelker.

“May I?”

And he began to sing.

Nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, he’s depressed

I wasn’t looking before this job found me

I tried to hide from Putin’s sight

That’s why he never helped me

Forget Helsinki

My intelligence is never right

And nobody has been tougher

These sanctions destroy his manhood 

Nobody does it quite the way I do

He’s afraid of me for good

One day he then told me

Because I’m so bold, see?

There’s some kind of monster inside you

Because I’m so cunning

He found it all stunning

Who’d you burn to know the things you do?

And nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ you, he’s depressed

Maybe I’m the best

I think I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best


You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

Won’t Get Fooled Again …

It was a tale of two committees. One of Trumpassic trauma, that being the T-Rump’s rally in Dairyland where Covid’s skyrocketing infection rates were only topped by the T-Rump’s vanity. If a dino didn’t know better, their leader was intent on putting their species on the fast track to extinction. In the other camp, the Joebiden was holding a walk-in rally for Donkeykongrus faithful in the Sweet Carolinas. All dinosaurs in attendance were impeccably social distanced with at least one Iguanasaurus tail between them. There were only 16 days remaining before the big November battle. 27 million dinos had already weighed in with their precious pick for the next dino at the top of the flesh-eating food chain.

The Joebiden fairly bounced onto the stage, his spry knees belying his 77 years. He’d spent decades helping dinos of all stripes in present day Scranton-Wilkes-Barre — in dino times known affectionately as Scrotum-Wispy-Hair. 

“Hello, everybody. How are you all doing?”

A roar from the colossal reptilian crowd.

“I want you to know we’re working hard. We’re competing like we never did before because there’s so much riding on this, so very much on the line. The very soul of Dino Nation is at stake. As my dino coach used to say at Delidinoware U., it’s go-time. Go, go, go. Then go some more. Don’t vote twice though. Just go. Go, go, go. You get the idea.”

“But what it gets down to is this. I can’t state this any simpler. Four years with this monster at the helm of our darkest nightmares was bad enough. Four more years of this tyrannical Tyrumposaurus will destroy our dino democracy. His lack of a response to the Coronavirus is the biggest failure of a dino administration that can’t even put one big foot in front of the other. They don’t even try. They’re in quicksand up to their necks and they’re saying it’s my fault. I’m not the leader of Dino Nation. Yet.”

“And in the middle of this catastrophic pandemic what do they do? What takes precedence over the Coronavirus relief we need in these desperate times? Surely they must have some Plan B or a Plan C they’re ready to replace their Plan A with — you know, the one that never saw the light of day? Nope. Sorry. Come back another day. All that pales beside a Dino Supreme Court hearing where they are the ones packing a court before our very eyes. Right. A decision most of you want after the election. But don’t get me started on that.”

“As the Chuckschumer said, we’re keeping every option on the flat rock table. And every day those options are coming closer into focus. The record number of early votes cast thus far are looking very encouraging. But we can’t stop now. Keep ‘em coming. Every last one because a landslide vote is the best response to a dino trying to dictate his way to the gloom and doom no self-respecting dino wants. Here’s the deal. A good friend of mine, the Rogerdaltry, has dropped by to sing a song for us as we face the most important election of our lives. So forget the Park-Ave Path. Remember Scrotum-Wispy-Hair!”

Our Joebiden can’t be beat

Though T-Rump will try to cheat

Then his quarrels and his tight grip will be gone 

And the folks who spurred him on

They all sat four years too long

A free ride where not one said he’s wrong

So let’s get back all our old institutions 

Most laid low by T-Rump’s convolutions

Smile and grin, we’re Biden-Harris bound

Pick up T-Rump, don’t delay

Throw the key away

Because no matter what he’ll say

We won’t get fooled again

His best and brightest, a new swamp tide

When Covid’s done, who’s gonna be alive?

See suburban women and you hear them cry

Oh, we know Q-Anon is our blackest eye


We’re tired of his tweets

Never did have papa’s knee

So he rallies with his base, lie by lie

And the party on the left

Will be the party for what’s right

Until conservatives agree to oversight

So let’s get back all our old institutions

Most laid low by T-Rump’s convolutions

Smile and grin, we’re Biden-Harris bound

Pick up T-Rump, don’t delay

Throw the key away

He no longer has a say


Meet the new boss

We will bear his cross


You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!