Nobody Has Been Tougher …

You could cut the apoplexy with a sharp-edged rock. The third and final debate between the Tyrumposaurus and the Joebiden was underway in the bubbling backwater of Gnash-at-Will in the Tennis Shoe footprint of Dino Nation. The moderator, the Kristenwelker addressed the leader of the free-running dino world.

“T-Rump, could you bring us up to speed on what you are doing to fight the Coronavirus?”

“What Coronavirus? The spikes are gone. We’ll have a vaccine ready within weeks. I’ve been congratulated by dino leaders for the great job I’ve done. We are rounding the turn.”

The Joebiden shook his head, eyes rolling.

“Wrong, wrong, wrong and oh, by the way, wrong again. Any dino responsible for this shouldn’t run a fossil fuel retirement party, much less Dino Nation. You have no plan. Your response has been absolutely tragic. We are headed for a dark winter, folks.”

“I prefer calling it a sweet, early spring. I’m thinking of cancelling snow. In the meantime, we are learning to live with it.”

“Are you kidding me? C’mon. We’re learning to die from it. 220,000 dead dinos. On your watch. And you said you’re not responsible.”

“I take full responsibility. It was the Chopstickchowmein dinos who caused this.”

“Moving onto immigration,” said the Kristenwelker. “T-Rump, it’s been reported that your dinos lost 545 migrant dino tots and you have no idea where they are. What are you doing about this?”

“Before they went missing, we need to remember that they received the greatest in dino care and accommodations. Dankness, dampness and the temperatures, all kept minimal. My best and brightest dinos are working on this. Going on three years now, but it’s a big jungle out there. And I’m doing this because I’m the least racist dino in this debate.”

“Correction, Abrahamlincoln here is the most racist dino we’ve ever had leading Dino Nation.”

“I am not the Abrahamlincoln.”

“Well, bless your heart. The first truth you’ve told today.”

“Next up, climate change. T-Rump, why don’t you believe in the science?”

“Because the windows are getting smaller.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s all the A-O-C-plus-3’s fault. Windows in the caves used to be big. Big, big, great big windows. Now they’re getting smaller. Pretty soon we won’t have any windows. No windows at all. We won’t be able to see.”

The Joebiden shook his head.

“I wasn’t going to say it, but I can’t stop myself. You’re a clown.”

“I know more about wind than you do.”

“Because you’re a windbag full of hot air.”

“Dinos, calm down. T-Rump, when are you going to show your Mytaxes Returnus?”

“Funny you should mention that. I just spoke with my dino accountant. They’re under audit. Imagine that. I’ll release them soon. Maybe before the vaccine. Maybe after. Maybe both at the same time. But I do prepay millions of moolah-moolah leaves. Or is it billions? I don’t pay anything to the Russodinos. Never have. But I have to give ten percent to the Big Dino. You’re the Big Dino, Joe. I think.”

The Joebiden glared at him.

“You’ve been waiting four years. Your Big Dino is the Putinodon. Why can’t you say anything bad about him? Not one word.”

The T-Rump held up a short arm and eyed the Kristenwelker.

“May I?”

And he began to sing.

Nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, he’s depressed

I wasn’t looking before this job found me

I tried to hide from Putin’s sight

That’s why he never helped me

Forget Helsinki

My intelligence is never right

And nobody has been tougher

These sanctions destroy his manhood 

Nobody does it quite the way I do

He’s afraid of me for good

One day he then told me

Because I’m so bold, see?

There’s some kind of monster inside you

Because I’m so cunning

He found it all stunning

Who’d you burn to know the things you do?

And nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ you, he’s depressed

Maybe I’m the best

I think I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best


You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

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