“Idiots! You’re all dimwitted, swamp water-sucking idiots!”
The Tyrumposaurus’ nostrils flared, fresh slime oozing from them, dripping down his chin onto the floor. It gave new consideration to social distancing to the three other dinos gathered in the Oval Dwelling before him, the Chadwolfe, the Kencuccinelli and the Michaelcaputo.
“What’s wrong with you? When I go out and tell Dino Nation something, it’s your job to change mid-course, to retailor our message and — dammit! — follow my lead. No matter how many times it changes. Because change is good. It keeps the Donkeykongrus off balance, chasing their tails. We’re not going to rest on our laurels. That would just give them more time to look at the evidence. Remember, every last one of you is going under the Priebusunderbus before me. Everyone. Got it?”
Sorrowful nods all around.
“Chad, what’s the latest at Homeland Security?”
“We’ve buried all the Russodino intelligence. Sorry if I’m looking a little panicked but I couldn’t resist taking a peek and well, sir … it scares the hell out of me.”
“Don’t wanna hear it. Not gonna happen.”
“Yes, sir. So, I want you to know we’ve trained every last dino in the 16 agencies that if they so much as hear “Putin”, they’ll begin salivating like it’s a French side dish.”
“No kidding? Sounds tasty. Save some for me. Two helpings.”
“Sir?”
“That’ll do, Chad. Just remember, the Russodinos didn’t help me four years ago even though they did and they’re not helping me win this year even though they are. You got that, Cuccinelli?”
“Sure, T-Rump. I have, uh … no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Good answer. That’s a good answer.”
The Chadwolfe and Michaelcaputo nodded as well and began clapping as if it were a dino game show.
“And Ken, you really need to work on that sly leer of yours. Where’d it go? That’s why I hired you. You even made the Stephenmillerus jealous.”
“I, uh … I’ll try and work on that, sir.”
“You do that. Michael, that damn Bobwoodward got me good back in February. Now I’m playing clean-up on that whopper of a lie about keeping this damn killer virus quiet. What are you doing to fix it? Keep up with me on this. Because you know I’m going to lie tomorrow and the day after. Damn, I miss the Michaelcohen. Now there was a fixer. Michael?”
“Uh, well … I can go to the C-D-C and give that Redfield a good kick in the keister.”
“And then?”
“More? Uh, yeah … then I could, um … tell him he has to run all the virus stuff by me first. I don’t know what to do with it but, um … I’ll just wait til you say something and … and I’ll find something that goes with it. Or maybe I’ll make it up? I, uh … I can do that, can’t I?”
The Michaelcaputo, who normally projected himself as a big, strong, tough dino type, suddenly looked like a frightened little dino tot caught in a landslide.
“You just did, Michael. You just did. Keep it up. Who knows where this will take you.”
“Me?”
The smug look the T-Rump gave him was not the least bit reassuring. The T-Rump crossed his arms, looking as defiant as possible.
“Okay, just so we don’t have to have to meet like this again, I found a Davidbowie dino song that I want you singing as you work. I want this message second nature, because believe you me, you had better keep up with me, whether it’s keeping things quiet or keeping the story straight. That is, IF you want to keep your jobs. Now, if you’ll just start tapping your tails on the floor, we’ll find the beat.”
Dino tails tapped and the T-Rump sang …
Still don’t know what Putin’s waiting for
And this time I’m running wild, a million red-hot tweets and
Every time they think I’m gonna fade
It seems my base wants me to cheat
So Russian intel you should see
You will never catch a glimpse
As I watch over hell’s half acre
Forget the past, we’ll fake the rest
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t need to have a master plan
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
They keep forgetting who I am
Crime has changed me
Cuz I won’t do time
I watch the nation getting wise
But never let them see the harm of Coronavirus and
So the haze floats by their eyes
And C-D-C seems the same
With the numbers we now sit on
Caputo will change their world
I’m immune to their accusations
We’re quite aware of how we’re screwing them
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
I tell them I know all in spite of this
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
Who’s to blame? Obama, this whole mess is his
Crime has changed me
Cuz I won’t do time
Strange allegations, allegating me
All changes taking place, wait and see what I’ll do
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, who’s my next controller?
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Time to rearrange
Ch-ch-changes
And we’ll just continue getting bolder
Crime has changed me
Cuz I won’t do time
I said that crime has changed me
Cuz I won’t do time
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 