Categories
Humor The T-Rump Dig

Mr. Caputo …

The Q-Anonymousarus dinos had gathered in the clearing for a huge rally. They were packed in like Hammerhead Sardines, cheek-to-cheek and happily yapping away about anything but social distancing and the deadly Coronavirus. In the front row there were a pair of very closely related dinos, the Billybob and the Billyjoe. They were pair of Red Neck Nukkledraggerz fraternizing full time with the Q-Anon dino crowd.

“Billybob, you sure the Mincepencenow won’t be showin’ up?”

“That’s right, Billyjoe. I heard there was this theory …”

The fifty closest dinos stopped talking all of a sudden and leaned into the conversation.

“I say, there was this theory that Mother was prone to splitting headaches at the mere mention of Pizza Gators and hell, since we let any ol’ dino in here, we darn well couldn’t guarantee that. Or maybe it was the theory, this one’s a good’n … that the Mincepencenow isn’t here because he’s suffering from a bad case of leather mouth from lickin’ the T-Rump’s tail everyday and twice on Sunday.”

“But he’s been doing that for goin’ on four years now, Billybob.”

“Yes, but he plum forgot the second time last Sunday and now he’s feelin’ remorse like, you remember when our pet dino died? Imagine a grown dino cryin’ like that. He’s really shook up about it.”

“Oh, that’s gotta be tough. But it’s the Donkeykongrus’ fault, right?”

“Each and every time. That dang Nancypelosi was thinkin’ about him, that’s right, thinking about him the exact same time it was supposed to happen. Of course it threw him off. It’s all her fault, it is. Damn Donkeykongrus dino doo-doo.”

“So many deep state conspiracies to keep track of.”

“That’s why we lost our jobs, Billyjoe. So we could follow the ever-changin’ hierarch-ichy of every plausible, cotton pickin’, perplexin’ explanation. Exponentially-speakin’ of course. But as sure as Suzie-Q’s our sister, it was worth it.”

“Damn straight. Hey, I hear that Stegastyx is the entertainment tonight.”

“Hot damn! They got great tunes, don’t they now? Blue Collar Dino … Lordy, I Lie … Best of Crimes …”

“I like that Fooling Yourself … and Come Wail Away … then there’s Crystal Wall …”

“Don’t forget that slow one, Shady … and Renegade … Cheat Madame Blue … suh-weet!”

“And The Grand Illusion. Classic … what about Too Much Executive Time on My Hands? We could go on forever.”

“That’s why they voted them the Dino’s Choice back in the day. Every song, just a fantastic, well-crafted conspiracy theory. You gotta love ‘em.”

“I hope they play that new one. Look, Billybob, here they come.”

The Stegastyx charged onto the stage and launched into their latest dinosaur rock track.

“That’s the one, Billybob! They’re playing it!”

(No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo), No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

You just made our day

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

You’re our conspiracy guy

We’re wondering who you are (secret secret, Soviet asset)

How low you set Billbarr (secret secret, pretty low, we bet) 

You’re the new virus star (secret secret, you’re no doctor yet)

We hope you’ll take us far 

 

You’ve got a secret, it’s high time you let us in

At C-D-C they all are spoiling for a deep state win

So if we see you acting strangely, we’re not surprised

You sometimes like to incite riots, your eyes opened wide

We’ll keep you alive, we’ll keep you alive

Eyes open wide, we’ll keep you alive

It’s all politics, they are animals, a conspiracy

You’re here to help us, stop Joebiden, can someone help you?

You’re our new hero, we’ll say our prayers, forget what we know 

They want us all sick, sacrifice lives, til it’s out of control

So out of control. Just out of control

They have no soul. Let the bad news roll

This is their master plan (secret secret, they will so regret)

Get sick and die, their task (secret secret, yes, we’d better fret)

One word for that, you see (secret secret, yes, you did forget)

Fill in the blank for me

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo, no no (no no) … no no (no no)

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo, no no (no no) … no no (no no)

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

No, no, we will stop Joe, Mr. Caputo

Thank you very much, Mr. Caputo

For doing the job that nobody wants to

And thank you very much, Mr. Caputo

For leaving them agape like we knew you’d do

Thank you … thank you, thank you

We want to thank you … please, thank you

The problem’s plain to see

Violence will come to be

We’ll fight to save our lives

They cannot win the prize!

The time will come to pass (secret secret, November secret)

Resistors will en masse (secret secret, this is a threat)

Begin their killing spree (secret secret, you had better get)

A head start home, Mikey!

You’re Killjoy! Killjoy! Killjoy! … Killjoy

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Satire

Changes …

“Idiots! You’re all dimwitted, swamp water-sucking idiots!”

The Tyrumposaurus’ nostrils flared, fresh slime oozing from them, dripping down his chin onto the floor. It gave new consideration to social distancing to the three other dinos gathered in the Oval Dwelling before him, the Chadwolfe, the Kencuccinelli and the Michaelcaputo.

“What’s wrong with you? When I go out and tell Dino Nation something, it’s your job to change mid-course, to retailor our message and — dammit! — follow my lead. No matter how many times it changes. Because change is good. It keeps the Donkeykongrus off balance, chasing their tails. We’re not going to rest on our laurels. That would just give them more time to look at the evidence. Remember, every last one of you is going under the Priebusunderbus before me. Everyone. Got it?”

Sorrowful nods all around.

“Chad, what’s the latest at Homeland Security?”

“We’ve buried all the Russodino intelligence. Sorry if I’m looking a little panicked but I couldn’t resist taking a peek and well, sir … it scares the hell out of me.”

“Don’t wanna hear it. Not gonna happen.”

“Yes, sir. So, I want you to know we’ve trained every last dino in the 16 agencies that if they so much as hear “Putin”, they’ll begin salivating like it’s a French side dish.”

“No kidding? Sounds tasty. Save some for me. Two helpings.”

“Sir?”

“That’ll do, Chad. Just remember, the Russodinos didn’t help me four years ago even though they did and they’re not helping me win this year even though they are. You got that, Cuccinelli?”

“Sure, T-Rump. I have, uh … no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Good answer. That’s a good answer.”

The Chadwolfe and Michaelcaputo nodded as well and began clapping as if it were a dino game show.

“And Ken, you really need to work on that sly leer of yours. Where’d it go? That’s why I hired you. You even made the Stephenmillerus jealous.”

“I, uh … I’ll try and work on that, sir.”

“You do that. Michael, that damn Bobwoodward got me good back in February. Now I’m playing clean-up on that whopper of a lie about keeping this damn killer virus quiet. What are you doing to fix it? Keep up with me on this. Because you know I’m going to lie tomorrow and the day after. Damn, I miss the Michaelcohen. Now there was a fixer. Michael?”

“Uh, well … I can go to the C-D-C and give that Redfield a good kick in the keister.”

“And then?”

“More? Uh, yeah … then I could, um … tell him he has to run all the virus stuff by me first. I don’t know what to do with it but, um … I’ll just wait til you say something and … and I’ll find something that goes with it. Or maybe I’ll make it up? I, uh … I can do that, can’t I?”

The Michaelcaputo, who normally projected himself as a big, strong, tough dino type, suddenly looked like a frightened little dino tot caught in a landslide.

“You just did, Michael. You just did. Keep it up. Who knows where this will take you.”

“Me?”

The smug look the T-Rump gave him was not the least bit reassuring. The T-Rump crossed his arms, looking as defiant as possible.

“Okay, just so we don’t have to have to meet like this again, I found a Davidbowie dino song that I want you singing as you work. I want this message second nature, because believe you me, you had better keep up with me, whether it’s keeping things quiet or keeping the story straight. That  is, IF you want to keep your jobs. Now, if you’ll just start tapping your tails on the floor, we’ll find the beat.”

Dino tails tapped and the T-Rump sang …

Still don’t know what Putin’s waiting for

And this time I’m running wild, a million red-hot tweets and

Every time they think I’m gonna fade

It seems my base wants me to cheat

So Russian intel you should see

You will never catch a glimpse

As I watch over hell’s half acre

Forget the past, we’ll fake the rest

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Don’t need to have a master plan

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

They keep forgetting who I am

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

I watch the nation getting wise

But never let them see the harm of Coronavirus and

So the haze floats by their eyes 

And C-D-C seems the same

With the numbers we now sit on

Caputo will change their world

I’m immune to their accusations

We’re quite aware of how we’re screwing them

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

I tell them I know all in spite of this

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Who’s to blame? Obama, this whole mess is his

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

Strange allegations, allegating me

All changes taking place, wait and see what I’ll do

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Oh, who’s my next controller?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

And we’ll just continue getting bolder

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

I said that crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!