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Donald Trump Humor

It’s Time to Resign …

“My fellow respected Grandoldparty dinos, rest assured, there will be a peaceful transition.”

The Moscowmitch looked over his gathered cohorts, the Bensasse, the Randpaul and the Lindseygraham, a conservative crew that had his back no matter how many dino tots were snatched from their mothers and lost in the wilds, no matter how drastic the steps taken for suppressing the dino vote or however morally corrupt the latest sabotage of dino doctors’ efforts to quell the Coronavirus pandemic. They were as loyal as the Alcaponus Sidekickasaurae species. And then some. The Bensasse raised a short arm.

“So, uh … what the T-Rump said about the ballots being a disaster and there being no transfer, just a continuation of power. Like I told the Mediacircustops, he’s always talking crazy stuff. He’s just kidding, right? Heh-heh.”

No one else was laughing. The Moscowmitch nodded.

“Look, Ben. I’m just putting this peaceful transition malarkey out there so I can get some sleep the next six weeks. I don’t need the Mediacircustops outside my cave 24-7.”

“Yeah,” echoed the Randpaul. “You gotta work on your distraction, Ben. Get your face out there more. Like me this week. I really told off the Tonyfauci at the Coronavirus hearing with my big statistic about us just needing 22% for herd immunity.”

“You mean herd mentality,” said the Bensasse.

“You idiots!” hollered the Moscowmitch

“But that’s what the T-Rump called it. Herd mentality.”

“When you’re the leader of the free-running dino world,” said the Lindseygraham, “you can say anything and the nation will believe you.”

“Anything?”

Anything.”

“So, um … that means those 20,000 T-Rump lies reported by the Washingtonpostian dino, they were all actually, uh … lies?”

“Please,” interrupted the Moscowmitch. “Let’s not dwell on the past. His first thousand lies blended in normally with the next thousand and so on. I call it mind-numbing normalization and I don’t need the coronary that comes with explaining it. Crazy stuff. Stick with crazy stuff. Ha-ha. Ho-ho. Hee-hee.”

“Hee-hee.” A nervous laugh from the Bensasse. The Moscowmitch turned away.

“Now then, we’ve got bigger fish-like dinos to fry. The Supreme Dino Court justice to be sworn in. Sight unseen. I like the sound of that. Such power. So random.”

“Like Randompaul, here,” said the Bensasse.

“That’s Randpaul.” 

The Moscowmitch frowned.

“Okay, everyone, let’s put our heads together on how to bamboozle Dino Nation one more time on the fraudulent ballot front. Make them forget the pandemic is causing all that extra mail.”

The Moscowmitch began pacing his cave, head down.

“Suppress the vote, suppress the vote, we need to suppress the –”

He looked up into the face of the Adamschiff, standing in the entrance.

“Adam?”

“Did you say suppress the vote?”

“Why, uh, no. I said .. uh, I said …”

“Supper’s the goat,” the Bensasse jumped in. “He said ‘supper’s the goat,’ yessiree.”

“But you don’t like goat, do you, Mitch?”

“No, I don’t. But, you see, uh … my doctor has me doing detox, so I figured I would just eat it and immediately regurgitate it. Clean out my innards once and for all. Kick start the bad stuff, don’t you know.”

“No, I don’t.”

“What in blue blazes are you doing here?”

“Well, I was just talking with the Rachelmaddow the other night and I thought, what the hey, I would bring my message straight to you.”

“We don’t want your damn message,” snapped a seething Lindseygraham, eyes afire. “You just came to dump on the T-Rump, didn’t you? Our dedicated leader who’s a grifter. I mean a horrible dino who’s brilliant, I mean …”

“Lindsey! Shut the hell up!” sputtered the Moscowmitch. “Ahem. Okay, Adam, I’ll agree with half of what Lindsey said. That is, I’m not going to have you badmouthing the T-Rump on my turf.”

“I’m afraid we’re beyond that. No, I’m before you minus the olive branch but with an honest broach.”

“Huh?”

“Discussion. Of sage advice.”

“Oh. No thanks, we’ll pass.”

“Well, I was planning to sing … and there are musical remnants of ideologically influenced undertones of Kentucky Bluegrass. In a couple of notes.”

The ears of the Moscowmitch and the Randpaul perked up.

“Kentucky Bluegrass, huh? You don’t say.”

The low wind whistled and the Adamschiff sang.

He’s breaking all the rules, those that used to bend 

You’ve turned a grifter into this unholy friend

I want to tell you, I want to make it clear

You know it, it is time to resign

You know he’s playing a killing game

Ignoring 200-thousand Covid has claimed

He’s so out of touch, he has crossed the line

You know it, it is time to resign

It’s time to resign

It’s time to resign

It’s time to resign

Don’t back his crime

He’s not alright, it’s not too late

This vaccine talk now, he says he’ll pick the date 

He’s politicking, calling science blind

You know it, it is time to resign

It’s time to resign

It’s time to resign

It’s time to resign

Don’t back his crime

Transition rules

He plays the fool

What will he do now? And how can you remain true? 

Don’t hold him up then, he’s not joking this time

You know it, it is time to resign

It’s time to resign

It’s time to resign (It’s time to resign)

It’s time to resign (Don’t hold him up now)

It’s time to resign (Y-e-e-e-e-a-h)

It’s time to resign (It’s time to resign, now)

It’s time to resign (No, don’t hold him up)

It’s time to resign (It’s time to resign)

It’s time to resign (Y-e-e-e-e-a-h)

It’s time to resign

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Satire The T-Rump Dig

We Miss You …

The Moscowmitch was beside himself with glee. News of the Ruthbaderginsburg’s passing had just reached his cave twenty minutes earlier and he was already planning on filling her vacancy on the Dino Supreme Court. He’d brought together his underlings, a.k.a Sin Hut dinos, in an emergency celebration, ahem … meeting.

“Good things happen in threes,” he exclaimed. “Three justices in four years for the T-Rump. Can you stand it?”

He turned to the Lindseygraham.

“Sorry, Lindsey, I’m afraid I have to ask you one more time, what with you being on the record on both sides of the issue. Can we count on you to vote for our nominee, whomever it may be?’

“For the last time, I told everybody they can forget what I said four years ago. I was rather emphatic about it then. And I’m very emphatic about it now. I’m in, dammit. I’m in. Sheesh. It’s really not that big a deal. A Dino Supreme Court justice. Big whoop.”

“You don’t have a shred of credibility left, do you? Welcome to the true Grandoldparty fold. I believe you’ve finally exorcised all things Johnmccain in whatever soul you have left.”

The Moscowmitch scanned the cave.

“The Susancollins. Where’s the Susancollins?”

“Eh? I’m over here.”

“Susan, what’s this nonsense about you having the tarnation, turkey giblet gall to suggest we should wait until after the November battle to make our gawd-granted decision?”

“You mean, assuming we win?”

“Oh, no you don’t! I won’t have you spoiling our little Supreme Court Opening party. Hold your tongue, Sin Hut dino.”

“Well, I was just saying how unfair it seems. I’ve already downgraded the unfairness from ‘very’ to ‘kind of’. I say there are lessons to be learned here, which puts me w-a-a-a-y ahead of whatever lessons that Betsydevos is doing. I’ve done a good job of saving face in the throes of these Grandoldparty shenanigans by scolding our guilty dinos. And there are so many. Oh, goodness. Did I just say that? But let me be clear. Scolding is all I can do. I rarely if ever follow through on my consternation. It’s a controlled consternation. As well as I can, anyway. Unfortunately, my dinos at home are showing plenty of consternation as well. Not as controlled as mine, it seems. I may even be on my way out. If that happens, will you keep me and feed me, Moscowmitch?”

“Well …”

“Remember, I did vote for impeachment.”

“Oh, look, a fresh batch of Caviarraptor legs have arrived.”

“Where?”

The Moscowmitch used the distraction to exit the conversation. The Corygardner saw him heading his way and quickly exited the cave stage right. The Lisamurkowski wasn’t so lucky. 

“Lisa.” 

“A-g-g-g-g-h!” She jumped back a foot. 

“How much dark moolah-moolah leaves is it going to take to convince you to fall into line on this issue?”

“I’m sorry. Are you speaking to me?”

She was positively trembling. The wild look in her eyes didn’t help matters. The Grandoldparty insiders had a name for her intermittent condition. GONZO … Gawking Openly Netting Zero Output.

“I asked you how much will it take?”

“I – I don’t know what to say.” She looked around and fidgeted nervously. “There’s so many dinos here, close together.”

“Don’t worry. I did saliva tests on most of the dinos before they came in. With my own tongue. See?”

He stuck out his long, discoloured tongue.

“A-g-g-g-g-h!” 

The Lisamurkowski recoiled again. With a loud slurp, his tongue recoiled back inside his mouth. She held her short arms to her chest.

“No, you don’t understand. I’m used to being alone, in Athabasca-Alaska.”

“Oh.”

“So, I hope you don’t mind if I brought a friend, the Peterframpton, with me. He’s my therapy dino companion. For those, um … cold, Athabasca-Alaskan nights? And he can sing too.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, he wrote a song about the Ruthbaderginsburg?”

“And I suppose you think I’m going to let him sing it at my Supreme Court Opening party?”

“Would you let him sing if I told you I was a … ‘maybe’?”

“Peter! What are you waiting for?! Sing the damn song!”

 

You did dare where to go

What you did do

Then you died and left us

Equality

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

Yes, you rose far above

Above what we ever had

They can’t wait to upend

And get hold of

Your old seat, to power

They are clinging

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

You rose far above

Above what we ever had

 

We’re alarmed when we think

Of this fall

You are why laws were made

From on high

We miss you, R-B-G

We miss you, R-B-G

‘Cause you rose far above

Above what we ever had

Yes, you rose far above

Above what we ever had

You rose far above

Above what we ever had

You did dare where to go

What you did do

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!