201030 – David Belisle

Slow Tide …

It was four days before the big November battle. The Race to 270. That is, the first dino to get 270 Alligator-Goats would win. A strange beast, this unique, long-established system used to determine leadership of the Milkanhoney Preservation. 538 Alligator-Goats were scattered throughout Dino Nation, pretty much hiding in plain sight.

Thousands of Neverglades dinos had packed the jungle clearing for a T-Rump stump speech by the Rondisenseless. He was flanked by his good buddy the Scottatlas, the new go-to dino in the Oval Dwelling for all things Coronavirus, especially the animosity towards asymptomatic dinos and any testing needed to track them down. Desenseless stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Next week you have a chance to keep the Grandoldparty dinos in power. Now I know the pandemic has been all-consuming for a lot of you and more of you are out of work and more of you are still waiting for relief. Am I missing anybody? But we need to put all that aside and remember how we got here. Like, before the pandemic? Let’s just pretend we’re all sitting here ten months ago, can we do that, dinos?”

“What’s that? You said you had family members with you ten months ago and now they’re gone? Then you need to stop thinking about the pandemic. Just stop. We need to be making this all about the terrible Joebiden and how he’s going to ruin your lives, your caves, your everything. See that lagoon there? It won’t be there with the Joebiden. It will evaporate before your very eyes.”

“Back to ten months ago. Your lives are not ruined. They couldn’t be better. Ten months ago, right? 87,000 Covid cases yesterday in Dino Nation? Where’d you hear that? I’ll have to check that with the Oval Dwelling, make sure they’re okay with those numbers. Can’t trust the CDC, y’know.”

“But like the T-Rump said, it’s going to go away. We’re rounding the corner. Making the turn. 87,000 is just a blip. A blip and a bit. You wouldn’t want to have the Joebiden looking after things, would you? It would be even worse! He didn’t do anything, did he? Okay, okay. He wasn’t the leader. But still, he didn’t do anything, right?”

“Like the Kushneratops said. We took it back from the doctors. Here you got me talking about the pandemic again. As if it’s the most important thing. But Jared got control of the messaging from those bad dino doctors. So we can blame them when things go wrong and — this is important now — the T-Rump could claim victory and take the credit when we opened up Dino Nation and got back to our regular lives. That was all about the T-Rump and that’s why we have to keep him in the Oval Dwelling for four more years.”

“What’s that? You want to know why testing has dropped significantly in the Neverglades? Uh, something about symptomatic and asymptomatic, I always mix them up. I mean, I’m just here to say nice things about the T-Rump. I’m here for him so you’ll vote for him and we’ll get all 29 of those all-important Alligator-Goats for the Neverglades.”

The Scottatlas raised a short arm.

“I’ll take it from here, Ron. How are we doing, Neverglades?”

Crickets.

“Uh, yeah. Okay then. First off, nice to see a few of you dinos keeping your phlegm-flinging under five feet. I count two or three. Out of six thousand. It’s a start. And I see all of you are one, maybe two inches apart. Not really socially distancing, but then I’m not really an epidemiology dino. Ahem. … Look, I like testing when it’s for dead dinos. I mean, there’s no need to test dinos without symptoms because it’s not like they really count, when you get right down to it.”

Visible consternation from the crowd.

“Alrighty then. I’ll put it a different way. Let me just sing it.”

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

I’m a brain dude

T-Rump likes my bite

So Covid widespread

Immunity’s right

Oooh, slow tide

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, maybe get to the symptoms in time

Scold me, troll me, ay-symp-to-matic’s not my line

Woo!

Florida’s good

DeSenseless is right

Cut testing in half

Four-thousand case spike

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, got to get things open now full-time

Scold me, troll me, slow tide is death without a crime

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Georgia On the Line …

“Michigonia. 9 points! Can you stand it?!”

The Joebiden was pumped. He and the Kamalaharris were going over the latest numbers on dino regional polls eight days prior to the November battle.

“Dairyland, plus 7. Pennsylvaneus, plus 6. The early voting numbers are through the roof. That can only help us. Stay the course, Joe. We just have to stay the course.”

“Everything seems to be falling into place. The T-Rump’s response to the Coronavirus continues to be a complete disaster as infection rates have surpassed the record levels of the summer.”

“The Markmeadows said they can’t control it.”

“They’ve given up. They’re goin’ home!”

“And they can’t even do that,” she said, shaking her head in wonder. “The Mincepencenow’s dino staff has at least five dinos testing positive and he refuses to stop campaigning. They maintain it’s an essential service.”

“It’s an essential service for the T-Rump because he’s going to the Solitary Sinkhole if he doesn’t win. But do continue with the so-called October surprises that all appear to be going our way.”

“The Mediacircustops refuse to talk about the Hunterbiden-Ukraine Plain misinformation campaign. That’s a big backfire for them. Then you have the confirmation of the Amyconeybarrett today. That should bring the Donkeykongrus dinos out of every nook and cranny of every cave in Dino Nation. And the T-Rump walking out of his interview with the Lesliestahl. Whining about tough questions. Another surprise that won’t be happening is the T-Rump’s new health care plan. He’s been promising that it’s two weeks away for the past six months.”

The Joebiden gritted his teeth.

“I’m still worried about him. We can’t let our guard down. You know how he plays.”

“Right now he’s not playing well with any dino demographic besides white-striped male dinos who played hooky. What regions are we going to be focusing on this week?”

“I want you to head on out to the Land of the Longhorns. It’s close. We may get lucky there.”

“And where are you going to be?”

“Oh, a place that’s especially dear to me. A place where it could be game over.”

Georgia, Georgia

Biden wants you

T-Rump’s motley throng

Has Georgia on the line

I said Georgia, Georgia

You’re turnin’ blue

If you see me clear

It won’t be like last time

There it was, for all to see

Needin’ a governor, peachy-sweet

Crooked Kemp stole from Stacy

What are we gonna do?

I said Georgia, oh Georgia

Don’t lose your mind

T-Rump’s moronic throng

Has Georgia on the line

The red states don’t hold the key

Been so long, you been blue to me

Since, mama says that would be

Clinton in ninety-two

Woah, Georgia, Georgia

The peace, the peace you’ll find

T-Rump’s mindless throng

Has Georgia on the line

I said T-Rump’s maniacal throng

Has Georgia on the line

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!