Category: Satire

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Like Things Go Away …

“The science is on our side. Always has been. Always will be. Face it, science just doesn’t like the Donkeykongrus.”

There came a collective roll of the eyes from the gathered Mediacircustops at the Kayleighmcenany’s 1,000th bald-faced lie. It was the latest impromptu meeting of the Coronavirus Patty-Cake Party, a briefing that was part virus update, part mumbo-jumbo and all partisan politics.

The Betsydevos stood in the background, holding her breath to change her skin color, allowing the consternating chameleon to go camo against the cave wall.

“But Kayleigh,” said a Mediacircustops in front. “The math says there are 160,000 dead dinos. Are you sure the science is with you?”

“It sounds like you’ve been listening to the Anthonyfauci again. Look, the good dino doc means well, but who are you going to listen to, him or our esteemed leader, the Tyrumposaurus? And don’t let all those deaths fool you. Like the T-Rump said in his incredible quote, if I remember correctly, I want to get it right. It is what it is. Think about that. I’ll wait so you can just let that sink in. I’ll bet the Obamarus never said anything like that.”

“Most dinos wouldn’t. I have more numbers for you, Kayleigh. 338,000 dino youngsters are plodding around with the virus and there are still 21 hot zones in Dino Nation. Do you still think it’s a good idea to open the schools?”

“That’s a lot of numbers you’re throwing at me. It’s a good thing we have the education lizard …”

“Wizard.”

“Oh, right. Heh-heh. Sorry, Betsy. The Betsydevos, everyone. If any dino knows the difference between science and math, it would be Let’s See Betsy. Step right up, Betsy.”

The education dino timidly stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Look, I’m really not supposed to be here. The T-Rump thinks that if you see me you’ll start asking questions about my brother the Erikprince … and if it’s his Blackwater dinos who are rampaging through Sportland and Chicagoland. Oops. Did I say that? The kiddos need to be in school. Really. Bye-bye.”

With that, she scurried away, disappearing into the bushes. A Mediacircustops waved a short arm at the Kayleighmcenany.

“Kayleigh, it appears the science and the math just left the meeting. How can dino mothers feel safe about sending their dino tots off to school?”

“Excuse me, Kayleigh, I’ll take this one.” 

It was the make’m queasy Steveyscalise.

“Listen, this has the makings of a generational catastrophe!”

“You mean they’re all going to die? Good lord.”

“No. No. Don’t you see? They’re going to die inside. After their home, school is the most important place for dino kids to be. Fifty million of them. And let’s be serious. Can we? Children only make up seven percent of the Coronavirus cases. And deaths? A measly one percent. C’mon, dinos. One percent.”

“One percent?! One percent of what? I’d better be getting a cut of this.”

It was the T-Rump. The Mediacircustops brightened and cringed at the same time. Such was the whiplash effect of a T-Rump quote of the day.

“Did I tell you that the Joebiden is against religion? He’s trying to hurt God. And me. Why does nobody like me? How’s that possible?”

“Uh, T-Rump,” asked another Mediacircustops. “We were, um … talking about your thrust to reopen dino schools. When all the indicators suggest otherwise, what makes you think it’s safe?”

“Safe? Well, I mean, if you look at the numbers, the numbers of, in terms of mortality, fatality, the numbers for children under a certain age, meaning young. Look, I sometimes sing to help me focus better on what the numbers are saying. Do you mind?

 

Open schools

It is the right thing to do

Don’t ask why … let’s not make this too real

If I could

Maybe I would be concerned

How can I

When I get nothing in return

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

It’s no lie

Every statistic found

Backing up

Packing them in, the right thing to do

Cuz I heard

Not much impact on their world

Open up

Children are almost immune

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

 

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

 

This thing will go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Loathsome Loser …

The Kushneratops had on his haughtily-elite-yet-blithely-cheap expression of ‘I know you are but what am I?”

The only problem was that he was staring into the beady, bloodshot eyes of senior dino judge, the always right honorable Josephputzpath, a.k.a. Death Row Joe. In the Vague-Hague no less, the international crimes court where dinos were tried when their acts of death and destruction were particularly nasty.

“Tell me how it is again, Kushner, that you devised a national plan for fighting the Coronavirus but it suddenly went ‘POOF!’ into thin air because you realized that the immediate sickness and death count would be suffered in regions predominantly inhabited by Donkeykongrus dinos.”

“Your honor, I just want to point out the great success I enjoyed by not even issuing the plan.”

“You call 155,000 dead dinos a success?”

“The expendable spoils, I’m afraid,” he said, coughing into his hand. “That number could have easily been 155 million.”

“And what particular model are you basing that assumption upon?”

“Call it serendipity. An old buddy from high school I bumped into the other day. He pulled it out of thin air. Oh, and he’s not even a math dino. Surprising, isn’t it?”

“Not in the slightest. I will render my verdict and sentence now before I lose my lunch, my temper and my sanity.”

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.”

“Oh? The judge glared down at the Kushneratops. “And why is that?”

“Because the T-Rump is going to arrive any minute now to tell you we are — wait for it — stonewalling the proceedings and you will just have to retire to your quarters where your mental anguish can chafe at the piddling heart strings to your soul.”

The judge paused. He looked around. No T-Rump. Seconds passed. Still no T-Rump. A bead of sweat rolled down the normally unwrinkled forehead of the Kushneratops.

“Um … Could I take back the thin heart strings comment? Or the chafing? Especially the chafing.”

“Oh, you can take back the chafing because that’s what you’ll be doing between a rock and a hard place.”

“No, no! Not the rock and a hard place. My nails!”

“Kushneratops, on the charge of politico-ethno dino genocide numbering in the thousands, I find you guilty as charged. You are sentenced to 666 lifetimes in the Solitary Sinkhole. That number and address has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And before you ask, there will be absolutely no conjugal visits.”

“No conjugal visits? Dear God of Fraud.“

“Don’t worry. I will be sure and tell you the minute your wife finds somebody else.”

The Kushneratops was wide-eyed. How could this be happening? His life imploded spontaneously. He looked skyward and screamed.

T-y-v-a-n-k-a-a-a-a-a!

He awoke in a sweat. His wife leaned over him.

“Jared, you were having a bad dream. It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

“What time is it?”

“Well, it’s dark. And dank. Very dank. I’d say two in the morning.”

The Kushneratops shivered.

“It – it was terrible. Hold me, Tyvanka. Just hold me. Make it all go away.”

As they hugged, he noticed a dino standing at the end of their nest. 

“Stevencalabresi? What are you doing here? It’s two o’clock! Am I still dreaming?”

The Stevencalabresi was a respected Grandoldparty dino in charge of a hard-right, conundrum cave home to the Federal Fuddy-Duddies.

“No, sweetheart. Steven just arrived. He said he had some important news that couldn’t wait. I was just going to wake you but your bad dream took care of that. Call it serendipity.”

“There’s no such thing as serendipity.”

“What?”

“Never mind. What is it, Steven? Having second thoughts about the Muellersavus Report?”

“No, I was fine with the Williambarr white wash.”

“Then it must be the Putinodon paying bounties to Taliban dinos to kill our own dino fighters.”

“No. I’m okay with that. I can grin and bear it.”

“I know, I know what it is. You’re upset with the T-Rump and me because we did nothing about the Coronavirus and you just found out I even killed a Dino Nation plan that would’ve saved the lives of millions. There I said it. Don’t quote me or I’ll have the Williambarr on you like a dung beetle on, uh …”

“Dung, dear.”

“Right. Dung.”

“Uh, no. Your virus plan that went poof? That wasn’t it.”

“Then what?”

Just then the T-Rump arrived.

The Tyvankanatrix sprang from her nest.

“Daddy! Let me guess. You came to get some good cheer from Jared and me?”

“How’d you guess? Nobody likes me.”

The T-Rump looked at the Stevencalabresi.

“What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you know it’s two o’clock in the morning? Can’t you feel the dankness?”

“Actually, I had something to say that involves you.”

“O-o-o-o-h,” said Tyvanka. “Serendipity. I mean, a development of events in a happy way.”

“Wait a minute, Steven,” said the T-Rump. “Whatever you’re talking about, it doesn’t involve me. Whoever you’re talking about, they’re good people, but I don’t know them. Or I knew them a long time ago but we had a falling out because they said something very bad about me and you know I only do good things. Great things. It’s all their fault, whoever they are.”

“No, T-Rump. This only involves you. And this is something I’m extremely passionate about. So passionate, I’m going to sing.”

“Well, as long as it’s about me. Go right ahead.”

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Dismantling our faith, his power runaway

Haunting our dreams and taking our rights away

He’s overstepping, though there’s no line left

Time to rise as one, or we’ll have to pay the cost

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

“Stable genius,” he smiles and says

Though the Coronavirus shows he’s crazy

No one knows what goes on in his head

But if you know dictators, he wants it all

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Now tell me, have you heard about the loathsome loser?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Demon Semen …

“This better be good,” said the Tyrumposaurus, settling into his squat. “It’s cutting into my valuable executive time.” 

The Markmeadows gritted his teeth. 

“It’s all we have at this point to try and distract from the Covid virus killing 150,000 dinos. That’s a grim, telling number. For some reason, it’s sticking in everyone’s craw.”

The church cave filled up quickly for the dino priestess-doc combo, the Immanuelquack, who appeared from the wings and approached the flat rock altar. The T-Rump nudged his dino chief of staff and sneered.

“You said she packed some real fire power. Melania’s headache is going on two years now, if you know what I mean.”

“No, no. Fire Power is the name of her ministry.”

“Jesus balls! I swear, I’m getting more misinformation than I’m dishing out.”

The Markmeadows motioned with his eyes that the Immanuelquack was ready to speak.

“Greetings my dino brothers and sisters and the awfully almighty Tyrumposaurus who has graced us with his perfectly pristine presence.”

The T-Rump turned to Meadows. 

“Great message. Just great.”

“We are gathered here today in the name of the Holy Trifecta to Be Sure an’ Fix Ya: Hydroxychloroquine, zinc and Zithromax. Hallelujah. The lofty lotions and potions that remain our three keys to pharmacy harmony.”

“Amen,” came a baritone in the third row.

The T-Rump nudged Meadows.

“She’s got such an important voice.”

“But you know nothing about her.”

“I know. It’s a miracle!”

The Immanuelquack’s tail flicked, her tongue licked the air and her eyes narrowed into the fire-and-brimstone a.k.a. Fire Power stare her congregation lined up around the cave for.

“Has anybody had a miscarriage?”

Silence from the audience. A walnut-brain in the back woke up and spoke.

“You mean … like a miscarriage of justice?”

“No! A real miscarriage. I’m talking gynecological problems, dinos! … Remember those evil spirits, everyone? Incubus! Uh-uh. That’s right. Succubus! Can’t forget her. They’re the ones that used to throw your lives under the Priebusunderbus. Only now they’re on our side. I mean, in case this Holy Trifecta to Be Sure an’ Fix Ya thing don’t work out. The new faith needs options. For when the fire power is sputtering.”

The Markmeadows brow furrowed.

“Uh, T-Rump. Are you sure you want to sign up for this?”

“Are you kidding me? Can’t you feel the chaos? She’s a tremendous success!”

She continued from the flat rock altar.

“Glory, praise be the all-powerful, the all-mighty spirits — though sometimes nasty they may be — swooping down into our bodies when we least expect it. Because maybe, just maybe, this is some o’ that good trouble.”

That must’ve been their cue, because the Uriahheep dinos in the choir — sub-family of the Southerngospel species — began to sing. 

 

This is a cure you’ve never known before

It’s called demon semen

From God’s battle axe and weapon of war

There’s no more dreamin’

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Incubus will come for astral love

 

It’s Fire Power and T-Rump who make her important

She warns tormenting spirits will make you impotent

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Succubus will come for astral love

 

Gasping, choking

Must be alien DNA

Needing, pleading

Praying for spirits all day

And some demon semen!

 

Somewhere inside some Houston clinic she will bear witness

That doctors are working on a vaccine so you won’t get religious 

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Incubus will come for astral love

Demon semen and no more dreamin’

Succubus will come for astral love

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Ride, Biden, Ride …

The Tyrumposaurus entered the Oval Dwelling with a skip in his step. 

“Hey, 100 days til the big November Battle Royale. Can you stand it?  I can hardly wait to thrash that Sleepy Joebiden. He’ll never know what hit him. Because he’s asleep. Get it? Hold on. Uh, per-fume, wom-bat, man-fred, cam-ping, tee-thing. Hah! I still got it.”

The faces in the cave looked at him as a doctor might a patient who has an incurable disease but doesn’t know it yet. The Kayleighmcenany was the last-hired-first-required to tell the T-Rump the bad news. She cleared her throat as sweetly as possible.

“T-Rump, I don’t want you to panic now. We’re still working on how to spin this, but you appear to be trailing in popularity in several key battleground regions. In Michigonia you’re down 9 percent …”

“No problem. That’s only one poll.”

“I did say several, sir. In Pennsylvanus, we’re losing by 11 percent …”

“And what did I say about using the ‘L’ word around here?”

“In Mini-Soda-Can … you know, that region out west, then north.”

“Hang a right?”

“That’s right, sir. We’re down by 13.”

“Fake polls! These are all fake polls!”

“Sorry, T-Rump,” the Stephenmillerus jumped in. “They are Foxsquawkbox numbers. They’re rooting for us, sir.”

“Evidently not hard enough. We’re running on law and order now. Law and order! How are our little green dinos doing in Sportland and Chicagoland?”

“Not good, T-Rump. They’re dealing with several lines of defense from the locals.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, there are the Yellowmoms, the Papabellies, the Purplehearts and the Radiocityrocketz.”

“I hate the Radiocityrocketz,” the T-Rump growled. “Terrorists! They’re all terrorists!”

“The Radiocityrocketz?” said the Kayleighmcenany. “They’re dancing dinos, sir.”

The T-Rump waved her off.

“My big Grandoldparty Pow-wow. Have you found a place for it yet?”

“We had a line on the Bottomless Pit but, short answer … fraid not, T-Rump,” said the Stephenmillerus. “That Covid thing is still ravaging Dino Nation. Apparently those, ahem … embers became raging infernos. Spectacular, burning out of control, racing through the …”

“Okay, enough! I get the picture.”

“On the bright side, we are seeing more migrant dinos being evicted from their caves.”

“Dinos being evicted from caves. I love it. The Obamarus never did that, did he?”

“But …”

“But what?”

“But we’re also seeing our own less fortunate — but still supreme, white-striped dinos — looking for new homes. That’s not helping our cause, sir.”

“Wait a minute. You mean the virus is actually affecting our own dinos?”

“Well, yeah,” said the two dinos together.

“Hmm. I’ll have to give that some thought. … Done.”

There came a noise from outside the Oval Dwelling. The unmistakable sound of parading dinos in lock step.

“Anarchists!” came the T-Rump’s knee-jerk response.

The Stephenmillerus took a peek outside.

“Damn peaceful protesters. They’re a pox on us. They’re singing too. Gawd, I hate watching happy dinos.”

A pair of butterflies fluttered past his nose, flapping their wings in his face. Big wings. Loud wings. A song trailing behind them.

 

Fifty-two senators up in their sycophantic way

Lies rolled off their lips as shallow minds had their say

“We’re callin’ every sin a lefty wrong — it’s another war 

They will throw your lives away so give us four more”

But no one heard them bawlin’, the nerve, all the gall

‘Cause we know a fear monger, we saw through it all

With Covid fears a-blowin’ a nation to its knee

Fifty-two senators slunk off in misery

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

To a date in a court that the T-Rump can’t skip

 

Fifty-two senators up in their sycophantic way

Shot off their lips as shallow minds had their say

“We’re callin’ every sin a lefty wrong — it’s another war

They will throw your lives away so give us four more”

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

To a date in a court that the T-Rump can’t skip

Ride, Biden, ride on through this history blip

It’s our day, tell your friends to come enjoy the trip

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Free Bird …

“But your honor, you simply have to keep the Michaelcohen in the Solitary Sinkhole. It is absolutely necessary. Paramount, I say.”

The dino judge, the Alvinhellerstein, looked down his long snout at the dino probation officer before him, the Adampakula. 

“And why is that?”

“Because he will say bad things about the T-Rump. Bad, nasty, horrible things.”

“Isn’t that just a typical tweet on a typical day for the typical T-Rump?”

“I fail to see your point, your honor. The T-Rump can say and do whatever he wants.”

“Oh no, you don’t. Don’t you dare bring that clap-trap, revisionist history into my court cave. We just had a Supreme Dino Court ruling that decided the obvious one more time — the T-Rump is not above the law.”

“Damn, I thought you’d forget. … So, um … what do I have to say to keep Mister I Paid Stormy For Nothin’ in the Solitary Sinkhole?”

“You may want to rephrase that, counsel.”

“Sure. You will keep him locked up, with minimal provisions and make him feel as miserable as possible if I can come up with one good reason?”

“Pretty much.”

“Alrighty then. Just one? Easy peasy. Did you know about his, uh … father-in-law?”

“Irrelevant.”

“Okay … the Michaelcohen said he’s actually going to tell everything about the T-Rump’s personality and proclivities, his private and professional affairs, and his personal and business ethics. That’s got to be like, raping and pillaging the T-Rump’s privacy, your honor. At the very least.”

“Sorry, no can do.”

“Okay, okay. You forced my hand. I have to go for the jugular now. I didn’t want to go there but you’ve left me no choice. This is terrible, disgusting and not for the faint of heart.”

“I’m waiting.”

“The Michaelcohen … he was supposed to stay home, but he went for … a picnic.”

“A picnic?

“That’s right, sir. A picnic. I know. Terrible, isn’t it?”

“This has been one terrible picnic alright. Your very presence before me has screamed retaliation the moment you arrived. In all my 21 years of serving on the Dino Court, I’ve never seen such blatant buffoonery on display. This has been a colossal waste of time. You are a bozo, a clown and a boob. I should make you pay restitution to the hard-working dinos who pay your salary. Now get out of my court cave before I disbar your buttinski butt!”

The Adampakula slunk away with his tail between his legs. The judge turned to the Michaelcohen.

“You are hereby confined to your cave for the rest of your sentence. If Pakula or any other palooka bothers you, I need to hear about it. You can get back now to that tale you have the right to tell.”

 

If you hear me tomorrow

You’ll know free speech is still free 

For all T-Rump’s hangers on, now

‘Cause there’s so many faces you need to see

They’d love to throw my key away

But the judge wouldn’t play their game

‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now

And my words they cannot change

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And my words he cannot change

And I’ll discuss anything

Lord knows, he’s deranged

Why, why, shady pardon from above

Defend him and he’ll arrange

Flynn, Stone and Sheriff Joe gladly

All lied away their shame

But this is bigger than my world

We need our framers’ frame

‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now

And my words they’ll never change

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And my words he cannot change

And I’ll discuss anything

Lord knows, he’s deranged

Lord help us, he can’t change

Lord, he can’t change

I’m your fly guy, free bird, yeah

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Let’s Go! …

The painstakingly-slow rolling rocks of progress were still ground to a halt in the Oval Dwelling as the Tyrumposaurus and his hangers-on of all stripes and colors — preferably on the shady side — contemplated their next move. The Stephenmillerus raised a short arm.

“We can’t get you out to big rallies because some damn dino coughed in Okla-Tulsa and those namby-pamby Donkeykongrus dinos think we’re going to become extinct. S-o-o-o, we need to get you into a big interview. We need a really big shew.”

His Edsullivan impersonation fell flat. Decoding, comprehension and retention were three skills on which the T-Rump crowd struck out regularly.

“An interview with the, um … Rachelmaddow?”

“She’d have you at hello, sir.”

“The Chriscuomo?”

“Well, he did have the Coronavirus, so you’d have to practise extra social distancing. Don’t know if you’re ready for that major step yet.  Plus he’s a good friend of the Donlemon, remember.”

“Right, scratch that. Any good friend of the Donlemon is a disaster. Worthless, good-for-nothing bum. Horrible! Nothing personal. Freedom of speech.”

“Of course, T-Rump. I think you match up very well with the Chriswallace. I’m sure you can teach him a thing or two.”

“About everything. Everything in the world. In the history of the world. Make it so.”

A few hours later the T-Rump squatted down with the Chriswallace.

“T-Rump, thanks for agreeing to this. First off, the Milkanhoney Preservation has more Coronavirus cases than all the Eurodinos put together. How has that come to pass?”

“Yes, I passed that test. I aced it. Me, can you believe it?”

“I’m talking about the coronavirus testing.”

“Oh. Well, that’s easy. Did you ever for a second think that it’s possible that they don’t test? Because tests drive up the cases, you know. I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“No, tests do not drive up cases.”

“I didn’t come here for you to disagree with me. We’ve done more tests than any dinos in the world. Many of those cases are young dinos. They heal in a day. Boom. 24 hours. No problem. They have the sniffles and we put it down as a test. That’s what’s killing us. At some point, I just know this thing’s going to sort of just disappear. I hope. I’ll be right eventually.”

The T-Rump laughed nervously. The Chriswallace picked his jaw up off the floor.

“And that damn Biden. He wants to defund the dino police.”

“He does not.”

Another stern glare from the T-Rump.

“Look, he signed some Magna Carta, some charter with the Berniesanders. I’ll get that one, just like I was right on the mortality rate. Did you read the charter that he agreed to?”

“It says nothing about defunding the police.”

“Oh, really? It says abolish, it says, uh — Let’s go!”

 

They’re whining all day, got their culture wrong

I’ll take the schools away, their funds long gone

We need history strong

They’re putting them down, confederate clean

Columbus, give up, for sixteen-nineteen?

Biden should retire, he signed Bernie’s flyer

Oh, really? Now don’t you frown —

Abolish, written down

It says … uh, let’s go!

I like to be right, baby

Just like the mortality rate, baby

It says … uh, let’s go!

 

You’re laughing inside ‘cause you think I’ll lose

But the polls are all fake, you can’t just pick and choose

You’ll never fill my shoes

I’ve got wonderful guys and a sucker south

So we’re gonna sign one more that Moscow Mitch can route

Biden should retire, he signed Bernie’s flyer

Oh, really? Now don’t you frown —

Abolish, written down

It says … uh, let’s go!

I like to be right, baby

Just like the mortality rate, baby

It says … uh, let’s go!

 

I like to be right, baby

Just like the mortality rate, baby

It says … uh, let’s go!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

All I Have to Do is Beans …

Another day of rising Coronavirus cases across Dino Nation and another raucous day of finger-pointing, nose-disjointing and s-o-o-o disappointing of a meeting in the Oval Dwelling. The Tyrumposaurus sat as the Resolute Rock, looking at the confusion around him. The Mincepencenow stared straight ahead, quietly marveling at a tiny speck on the far wall. The Betsydevos stared down at her hands, counting her fingers one-by-one before moving onto her toes. It was part of her therapy. Lord help her if they actually asked her a question regarding education. The Stephenmiller grinned devilishly, thinking naughty anti-migration thoughts. The T-Rump sensed there wasn’t enough chaos in the cave and finally spoke.

“Mike, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to know how bad the virus is and yet there’s another part of me that does. I blame my niece, Mary, for that. All in favor?”

The “ayes” were quick and came as one in complete unison, as if they’d been practicing for four years. They had. The Mincepencenow cleared his throat.

“T-Rump, we now have 39 regions out of the great 50 regions of the Milkanhoney Preservation that are experiencing, shall we say … modest, middling or otherwise mundane rise in cases. I think mundane is a good word we may begin sharing with the public. Mundane. That is, lacking interest or excitement. Dull, sir. Something to make dinos forget about what is actually going on.”

“Very well. Mundane it is. I like it. I can stay ahead of that. Betsy, how is that opening the schools thing coming along?”

Uh-oh, a school thing. And he expected an answer. Something. Anything. Quick.

“I – I kept telling them, open the schools. OPEN the schools. Open THE schools. Open the SCHOOLS. I tried it every which way, I did. Do you think I should throw in a ‘dammit’ to make them understand better?”

“Let’s, uh … save the dammit for later. That’s my word, remember? You do not want to be getting more attention than me, right?”

“No, I guess not. Maybe if I rearrange the words. Teachers like puzzles. I think. Um, schools the open … “

Weird looks from the room told her she’d said too much.

“Stephen, what’s new on the Great Tex-Mex Divide? I’ve been telling everybody it’s done. Or will be very soon. Like in a couple of days?”

“Uh, yes. Well, actually … you know how much I hate talking about those dinos, but the Oh-Boya-Goya group from Mexicodino actually had some nice things to say about you.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, again, I’m not really here to dive into my heartless soul to even begin to celebrate such news.”

“Fair enough. The Oh-Boya-Goya group, you say? That’s great. All is forgiven in Mexicodino. For a few hours anyway. Transactions!” He hammered the top of the Resolute Rock. “That’s what I like. That’s what I’m all about. It gets me going. I – I think I’m gonna sing.”

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

When I want to, it’s my charm

When I want to, can’t be no harm

Whenever I want to, all I have to do is

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

When you can’t sleep in the night

And you beg me to see the light

Whenever I want to, all I have to do is

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans

I can take my time, I can’t hear you whine

Anytime night or day

This is my new biz, gee whiz

I’m schemin’ my life away

Now don’t you go, give this a try

You need me so, step up and buy

Whenever I want to, all I have to do is

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans

Everything is fine, you can sit and dine 

And watch my daughter say

Something new this is, gee whiz

You’re thinking your life’s astray

But don’t you know, I’ll tell you why

So don’t you go, step up and buy

Whatever I could do, all I have to do is

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

Bea-ea-ea-ea-eans, beans, beans, beans

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now …

“Look, you’re a good dino, but you’ve made many mistakes.”

The Tonyfauci coughed in surprise.

“Many mistakes? Me? You’re saying I’ve made mistakes?”

The Tyrumposaurus’ accusation had stirred something within the Tonyfauci. Perhaps it was his backbone that in two seconds had grown six feet.

“T-Rump, let’s set the record straight, shall we? You knew of this danger months ago and you did nothing to prepare for it. You called the virus a hoax. Your Dino Nation organizational skills are nonexistent and you couldn’t lead a dino double date. You’d have dinos drink liquid dreck as long as you profit. You still refuse to set an example for the dinos you took an oath to protect by not practicing proper safety measures yourself. It’s a wonder you haven’t killed us all and I’m seriously beginning to wonder if that’s not your one and only plan.”

“How did you …  I mean, that’s it. I’ve a good mind to fire you. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me that I can use to maximize your humiliation when I do?”

“That won’t be necessary. I quit.”

“You’re fired! Damn, you beat me to it.”

The Tonyfauci pumped his chest with his short arms and beamed.

“I feel like a new dino. I’m off to spread the grand truth of scientific facts.”

He strode confidently out of the cave.

The T-Rump looked after him with a haughty harrumph. 

“Science. Who needs science?”

The Deborahbirx raised a short arm.

“Excuse me, T-Rump? Just a reminder, but I’m a science dino as well. I hope that doesn’t reflect badly on me. I mean, I would like to stay on the task force. I mean, the virus is still with us. Would it be presumptuous of me to believe we may yet have another meeting?”

“Hmm.” The T-Rump mulled over his latest, daily diabolical idea. “Mike, I know you had your heart set on leading this thing here, but it just struck me that if we quietly dissolve the task force … you know, out of sight, out of mind.”

“Sir, the Neverglades just had a record 15,000 new cases today. They just might want to contact us.”

“Oh, no. That’s for the Rondesantos to look after. He’s doing such a fine job, isn’t he? Don’t get mixed up in that. Happy talk. Lots of happy talk. Like the Rogerstone being set free and the Betsydevos today, setting the Danabash straight. I call her “Let’s See” Betsy. No plan and she just kept repeating the we need the kids in school, we need the kids in school. Great educational mantra. Just keep saying and that’s all dinos will remember. Hah! Nothing’s gonna stop us now. I’m telling you. Nothing’s gonna stop us.”

 

Looking for advice, we know they pay a price

This virus for us is too good to be true

Standing here before you, there’s so much we could do

Clemency for Stone, cuz he’s honest and true

And we drive them crazy, I’m gonna tweet that

The virus is THE plan, all we do is just stand back 

Let the world around us just fall apart

Surely, we can’t fix it if we never start

And we’ll ignore this thing together

Standing down forever

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

And if by chance we are discovered

We’ll still have our Bill Barr

Nothing’s gonna stop us

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

 

Florida, I damned you, I’m just gonna lose you

All the lives it takes, we will hide them from you

Take me to the good times, Texas gets the bad times

All the lives it takes, there’s not much I can do 

They can call me crazy, our base won’t know

Hannity will tell them this is the way they must go 

Let the world around us just fall apart

Surely, we can’t fix it if we never start

And we’ll ignore this thing together

Standing down forever

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

And if by chance we are discovered

We’ll still have our Bill Barr

Nothing’s gonna stop us

Nothing’s gonna stop us

Oh, all that my greed can do

All that I ever need

And all that I want to do

Is golfing forever, and ever and ever

Hey!

And we’ll ignore this thing together

Standing down forever

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

And if by chance we are discovered

We’ll still have our Bill Barr

Nothing’s gonna stop us

And we’ll ignore this thing together

Standing down forever

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

And if by chance we are discovered

We’ll still have our Bill Barr

Nothing’s gonna stop us

And we’ll ignore this thing together

Standing down forever

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

And if by chance we are discovered

We’ll still have our Bill Barr

Nothing’s gonna stop us

Nothing’s gonna stop us now

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Live with It …

The Deborahbirx cast a worried look at the Oval Dwelling entrance.

“Shouldn’t we wait for the Tonyfauci?”

“We don’t need that little twerp,” fumed the Tyrumposaurus. “He’ll only mix up our mixed messaging. We can do that on our own, thank you very much!”

The other members in the latest, not-so-greatest Coronavirus Task Force meeting ducked their heads so as not to be hit by any of the fall-out, virus aerosol-laden or not. Also present were the Mincepencenow, the Alexazar and the Robertredfield. The T-Rump turned to his right hand dino.

“Bring me up to speed, Mike. What’s our latest plan to make this damn virus go away? Enough already. For some reason, it refuses to listen to me. I can’t fire it. Believe me, I tried. Damn virus. No respect.”

“Your esteemed leadership, it would seem your promise that the, uh … problem would go away in April came and went. Might I add that there were no packed dino religious gatherings that you predicted would happen that month. Ahem, wrong there again. Then I said we’d have this epidemic behind us by Memorial Day. I take full responsibility on that one, T-Rump”

“Yeah. You’d better. Don’t think you can’t be replaced, you know.”

“Then the Kushneratops gave us hope with his remark that we’d be ‘really rocking’ by July when we’re on the other side of the medical aspect of this. Well, it gives me more grave disappointment to point out that, uh … your very intelligent, wise-as-can-be son-in-law was wrong too, sir. We were all wrong.”

“You are. Every damn one of you. But not me. O-o-o-o-o-h no. Not a chance. Azar! You’re up. Make this thing go away.”

“Oh, I wish I could. This is messed up, T-Rump. Somebody said we’d done 40 million tests as of a week ago and then some dumb dino said we were at 39 million yesterday. Now dinos out there think we’re going backwards. I have a question, sir. Can I like, uh … quit?”

“No! Nobody quits unless I fire them first.”

The Alexazar slunk back into his squat.

“Redfield! I told you to change those damn guidelines because you’re making them too tough. Everything is like a test now. I hate tests! Especially the part about having to pay somebody to take them for me. These tests, they drive up the numbers and make me look bad.”

“But – but we just hit 60,000 new cases in Dino Nation yesterday. I have to make it look like I’m doing something.”

“Relax. I’ve got this. Again. What do I pay you guys for? All I have to do is go with my gut. My gut is all-knowing. It knows what this Milkanhoney Preservation needs. So, we’re going to do what we always do.”

Uh-oh. The vacant looks around the cave foretold the silent, unheard despair of groaning minds.

“That’s right. Nothing. We’re just going to give up. With ample misdirection of course.”

“Misdirection?” said the Mincepencenow.

“That’s right. And I’ll be providing the entertainment.”

“Entertainment?”

“Of course. It will take their minds completely off the 130,000 dino deaths. Geez, I hate saying that number. Even though I bear no responsibility for them. Hmm. That’s probably why I hate math. The numbers are always against me. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. T-RUMP HARASSMENT! … MATHEMATICAL MISCONDUCT! … Where was I?”

“Your gut,” said the Mincepencenow. “Your gut was speaking again, sir.”

“Right. So, listen up. Here’s the new message. Trust me, you’ll want to kiss me after this. It will be the greatest kiss.”

 

Don’t go to Fauci cuz I know better

Just gotta wait for the warmer weather

Life was so sweet, now we’re gonna waste it

I gotta win, I can almost taste it

Can’t stay at home, so repeat to yourself

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

 

Covid is spikin’ across the nation

But our kids, they need their education

Go back to school or I’ll hold your money

There’s nothin’ wrong with a nose that’s runny

This ain’t no time to put our lives on the shelf

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Come on, the virus might go 

Woah!

Live with it, live with it, ooh-oh, the virus might go

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

Live with it, live with it

 

 ………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!