Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Like Things Go Away …

“The science is on our side. Always has been. Always will be. Face it, science just doesn’t like the Donkeykongrus.”

There came a collective roll of the eyes from the gathered Mediacircustops at the Kayleighmcenany’s 1,000th bald-faced lie. It was the latest impromptu meeting of the Coronavirus Patty-Cake Party, a briefing that was part virus update, part mumbo-jumbo and all partisan politics.

The Betsydevos stood in the background, holding her breath to change her skin color, allowing the consternating chameleon to go camo against the cave wall.

“But Kayleigh,” said a Mediacircustops in front. “The math says there are 160,000 dead dinos. Are you sure the science is with you?”

“It sounds like you’ve been listening to the Anthonyfauci again. Look, the good dino doc means well, but who are you going to listen to, him or our esteemed leader, the Tyrumposaurus? And don’t let all those deaths fool you. Like the T-Rump said in his incredible quote, if I remember correctly, I want to get it right. It is what it is. Think about that. I’ll wait so you can just let that sink in. I’ll bet the Obamarus never said anything like that.”

“Most dinos wouldn’t. I have more numbers for you, Kayleigh. 338,000 dino youngsters are plodding around with the virus and there are still 21 hot zones in Dino Nation. Do you still think it’s a good idea to open the schools?”

“That’s a lot of numbers you’re throwing at me. It’s a good thing we have the education lizard …”

“Wizard.”

“Oh, right. Heh-heh. Sorry, Betsy. The Betsydevos, everyone. If any dino knows the difference between science and math, it would be Let’s See Betsy. Step right up, Betsy.”

The education dino timidly stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Look, I’m really not supposed to be here. The T-Rump thinks that if you see me you’ll start asking questions about my brother the Erikprince … and if it’s his Blackwater dinos who are rampaging through Sportland and Chicagoland. Oops. Did I say that? The kiddos need to be in school. Really. Bye-bye.”

With that, she scurried away, disappearing into the bushes. A Mediacircustops waved a short arm at the Kayleighmcenany.

“Kayleigh, it appears the science and the math just left the meeting. How can dino mothers feel safe about sending their dino tots off to school?”

“Excuse me, Kayleigh, I’ll take this one.” 

It was the make’m queasy Steveyscalise.

“Listen, this has the makings of a generational catastrophe!”

“You mean they’re all going to die? Good lord.”

“No. No. Don’t you see? They’re going to die inside. After their home, school is the most important place for dino kids to be. Fifty million of them. And let’s be serious. Can we? Children only make up seven percent of the Coronavirus cases. And deaths? A measly one percent. C’mon, dinos. One percent.”

“One percent?! One percent of what? I’d better be getting a cut of this.”

It was the T-Rump. The Mediacircustops brightened and cringed at the same time. Such was the whiplash effect of a T-Rump quote of the day.

“Did I tell you that the Joebiden is against religion? He’s trying to hurt God. And me. Why does nobody like me? How’s that possible?”

“Uh, T-Rump,” asked another Mediacircustops. “We were, um … talking about your thrust to reopen dino schools. When all the indicators suggest otherwise, what makes you think it’s safe?”

“Safe? Well, I mean, if you look at the numbers, the numbers of, in terms of mortality, fatality, the numbers for children under a certain age, meaning young. Look, I sometimes sing to help me focus better on what the numbers are saying. Do you mind?

 

Open schools

It is the right thing to do

Don’t ask why … let’s not make this too real

If I could

Maybe I would be concerned

How can I

When I get nothing in return

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

It’s no lie

Every statistic found

Backing up

Packing them in, the right thing to do

Cuz I heard

Not much impact on their world

Open up

Children are almost immune

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

 

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

Like things go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

 

This thing will go away

Let’s just call it

A mother’s only play

This thing will go away

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Loathsome Loser …

The Kushneratops had on his haughtily-elite-yet-blithely-cheap expression of ‘I know you are but what am I?”

The only problem was that he was staring into the beady, bloodshot eyes of senior dino judge, the always right honorable Josephputzpath, a.k.a. Death Row Joe. In the Vague-Hague no less, the international crimes court where dinos were tried when their acts of death and destruction were particularly nasty.

“Tell me how it is again, Kushner, that you devised a national plan for fighting the Coronavirus but it suddenly went ‘POOF!’ into thin air because you realized that the immediate sickness and death count would be suffered in regions predominantly inhabited by Donkeykongrus dinos.”

“Your honor, I just want to point out the great success I enjoyed by not even issuing the plan.”

“You call 155,000 dead dinos a success?”

“The expendable spoils, I’m afraid,” he said, coughing into his hand. “That number could have easily been 155 million.”

“And what particular model are you basing that assumption upon?”

“Call it serendipity. An old buddy from high school I bumped into the other day. He pulled it out of thin air. Oh, and he’s not even a math dino. Surprising, isn’t it?”

“Not in the slightest. I will render my verdict and sentence now before I lose my lunch, my temper and my sanity.”

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.”

“Oh? The judge glared down at the Kushneratops. “And why is that?”

“Because the T-Rump is going to arrive any minute now to tell you we are — wait for it — stonewalling the proceedings and you will just have to retire to your quarters where your mental anguish can chafe at the piddling heart strings to your soul.”

The judge paused. He looked around. No T-Rump. Seconds passed. Still no T-Rump. A bead of sweat rolled down the normally unwrinkled forehead of the Kushneratops.

“Um … Could I take back the thin heart strings comment? Or the chafing? Especially the chafing.”

“Oh, you can take back the chafing because that’s what you’ll be doing between a rock and a hard place.”

“No, no! Not the rock and a hard place. My nails!”

“Kushneratops, on the charge of politico-ethno dino genocide numbering in the thousands, I find you guilty as charged. You are sentenced to 666 lifetimes in the Solitary Sinkhole. That number and address has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And before you ask, there will be absolutely no conjugal visits.”

“No conjugal visits? Dear God of Fraud.

“Don’t worry. I will be sure and tell you the minute your wife finds somebody else.”

The Kushneratops was wide-eyed. How could this be happening? His life imploded spontaneously. He looked skyward and screamed.

T-y-v-a-n-k-a-a-a-a-a!

He awoke in a sweat. His wife leaned over him.

“Jared, you were having a bad dream. It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

“What time is it?”

“Well, it’s dark. And dank. Very dank. I’d say two in the morning.”

The Kushneratops shivered.

“It – it was terrible. Hold me, Tyvanka. Just hold me. Make it all go away.”

As they hugged, he noticed a dino standing at the end of their nest. 

“Stevencalabresi? What are you doing here? It’s two o’clock! Am I still dreaming?”

The Stevencalabresi was a respected Grandoldparty dino in charge of a hard-right, conundrum cave home to the Federal Fuddy-Duddies.

“No, sweetheart. Steven just arrived. He said he had some important news that couldn’t wait. I was just going to wake you but your bad dream took care of that. Call it serendipity.”

“There’s no such thing as serendipity.”

“What?”

“Never mind. What is it, Steven? Having second thoughts about the Muellersavus Report?”

“No, I was fine with the Williambarr white wash.”

“Then it must be the Putinodon paying bounties to Taliban dinos to kill our own dino fighters.”

“No. I’m okay with that. I can grin and bear it.”

“I know, I know what it is. You’re upset with the T-Rump and me because we did nothing about the Coronavirus and you just found out I even killed a Dino Nation plan that would’ve saved the lives of millions. There I said it. Don’t quote me or I’ll have the Williambarr on you like a dung beetle on, uh …”

“Dung, dear.”

“Right. Dung.”

“Uh, no. Your virus plan that went poof? That wasn’t it.”

“Then what?”

Just then the T-Rump arrived.

The Tyvankanatrix sprang from her nest.

“Daddy! Let me guess. You came to get some good cheer from Jared and me?”

“How’d you guess? Nobody likes me.”

The T-Rump looked at the Stevencalabresi.

“What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you know it’s two o’clock in the morning? Can’t you feel the dankness?”

“Actually, I had something to say that involves you.”

“O-o-o-o-h,” said Tyvanka. “Serendipity. I mean, a development of events in a happy way.”

“Wait a minute, Steven,” said the T-Rump. “Whatever you’re talking about, it doesn’t involve me. Whoever you’re talking about, they’re good people, but I don’t know them. Or I knew them a long time ago but we had a falling out because they said something very bad about me and you know I only do good things. Great things. It’s all their fault, whoever they are.”

“No, T-Rump. This only involves you. And this is something I’m extremely passionate about. So passionate, I’m going to sing.”

“Well, as long as it’s about me. Go right ahead.”

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Dismantling our faith, his power runaway

Haunting our dreams and taking our rights away

He’s overstepping, though there’s no line left

Time to rise as one, or we’ll have to pay the cost

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

“Stable genius,” he smiles and says

Though the Coronavirus shows he’s crazy

No one knows what goes on in his head

But if you know dictators, he wants it all

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Now tell me, have you heard about the loathsome loser?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!