Loathsome Loser …

The Kushneratops had on his haughtily-elite-yet-blithely-cheap expression of ‘I know you are but what am I?”

The only problem was that he was staring into the beady, bloodshot eyes of senior dino judge, the always right honorable Josephputzpath, a.k.a. Death Row Joe. In the Vague-Hague no less, the international crimes court where dinos were tried when their acts of death and destruction were particularly nasty.

“Tell me how it is again, Kushner, that you devised a national plan for fighting the Coronavirus but it suddenly went ‘POOF!’ into thin air because you realized that the immediate sickness and death count would be suffered in regions predominantly inhabited by Donkeykongrus dinos.”

“Your honor, I just want to point out the great success I enjoyed by not even issuing the plan.”

“You call 155,000 dead dinos a success?”

“The expendable spoils, I’m afraid,” he said, coughing into his hand. “That number could have easily been 155 million.”

“And what particular model are you basing that assumption upon?”

“Call it serendipity. An old buddy from high school I bumped into the other day. He pulled it out of thin air. Oh, and he’s not even a math dino. Surprising, isn’t it?”

“Not in the slightest. I will render my verdict and sentence now before I lose my lunch, my temper and my sanity.”

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.”

“Oh? The judge glared down at the Kushneratops. “And why is that?”

“Because the T-Rump is going to arrive any minute now to tell you we are — wait for it — stonewalling the proceedings and you will just have to retire to your quarters where your mental anguish can chafe at the piddling heart strings to your soul.”

The judge paused. He looked around. No T-Rump. Seconds passed. Still no T-Rump. A bead of sweat rolled down the normally unwrinkled forehead of the Kushneratops.

“Um … Could I take back the thin heart strings comment? Or the chafing? Especially the chafing.”

“Oh, you can take back the chafing because that’s what you’ll be doing between a rock and a hard place.”

“No, no! Not the rock and a hard place. My nails!”

“Kushneratops, on the charge of politico-ethno dino genocide numbering in the thousands, I find you guilty as charged. You are sentenced to 666 lifetimes in the Solitary Sinkhole. That number and address has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And before you ask, there will be absolutely no conjugal visits.”

“No conjugal visits? Dear God of Fraud.

“Don’t worry. I will be sure and tell you the minute your wife finds somebody else.”

The Kushneratops was wide-eyed. How could this be happening? His life imploded spontaneously. He looked skyward and screamed.

T-y-v-a-n-k-a-a-a-a-a!

He awoke in a sweat. His wife leaned over him.

“Jared, you were having a bad dream. It’s okay. You’re okay now.”

“What time is it?”

“Well, it’s dark. And dank. Very dank. I’d say two in the morning.”

The Kushneratops shivered.

“It – it was terrible. Hold me, Tyvanka. Just hold me. Make it all go away.”

As they hugged, he noticed a dino standing at the end of their nest. 

“Stevencalabresi? What are you doing here? It’s two o’clock! Am I still dreaming?”

The Stevencalabresi was a respected Grandoldparty dino in charge of a hard-right, conundrum cave home to the Federal Fuddy-Duddies.

“No, sweetheart. Steven just arrived. He said he had some important news that couldn’t wait. I was just going to wake you but your bad dream took care of that. Call it serendipity.”

“There’s no such thing as serendipity.”

“What?”

“Never mind. What is it, Steven? Having second thoughts about the Muellersavus Report?”

“No, I was fine with the Williambarr white wash.”

“Then it must be the Putinodon paying bounties to Taliban dinos to kill our own dino fighters.”

“No. I’m okay with that. I can grin and bear it.”

“I know, I know what it is. You’re upset with the T-Rump and me because we did nothing about the Coronavirus and you just found out I even killed a Dino Nation plan that would’ve saved the lives of millions. There I said it. Don’t quote me or I’ll have the Williambarr on you like a dung beetle on, uh …”

“Dung, dear.”

“Right. Dung.”

“Uh, no. Your virus plan that went poof? That wasn’t it.”

“Then what?”

Just then the T-Rump arrived.

The Tyvankanatrix sprang from her nest.

“Daddy! Let me guess. You came to get some good cheer from Jared and me?”

“How’d you guess? Nobody likes me.”

The T-Rump looked at the Stevencalabresi.

“What the hell are you doing here? Don’t you know it’s two o’clock in the morning? Can’t you feel the dankness?”

“Actually, I had something to say that involves you.”

“O-o-o-o-h,” said Tyvanka. “Serendipity. I mean, a development of events in a happy way.”

“Wait a minute, Steven,” said the T-Rump. “Whatever you’re talking about, it doesn’t involve me. Whoever you’re talking about, they’re good people, but I don’t know them. Or I knew them a long time ago but we had a falling out because they said something very bad about me and you know I only do good things. Great things. It’s all their fault, whoever they are.”

“No, T-Rump. This only involves you. And this is something I’m extremely passionate about. So passionate, I’m going to sing.”

“Well, as long as it’s about me. Go right ahead.”

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Dismantling our faith, his power runaway

Haunting our dreams and taking our rights away

He’s overstepping, though there’s no line left

Time to rise as one, or we’ll have to pay the cost

 

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

“Stable genius,” he smiles and says

Though the Coronavirus shows he’s crazy

No one knows what goes on in his head

But if you know dictators, he wants it all

 

Shut up. Yes, you and yourself

You cannot change election day

This democratic pillar cannot slide

You will be exposed, you are terrified

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Beaten by the Biden polls every time

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

He’s a loser and we still keep on dying

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Have you heard about the loathsome loser?

Now tell me, have you heard about the loathsome loser?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

One comment

  1. I love the “Wait a minute, Steven” speech. It´s PERFECT! You have captured the flow and rhythm of his ramblings – wonderfully recognizable to those of us out here in TV Newsland. Bless your little buttons! You have an excellent ear for writing discourse and dialogue for all your characters. Really Good Stuff!

    Lubs’nTuds, Mom

    Like

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