Category: Satire

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Lyin’ Eyes …

The assembled Mediacircustops in the Briefing Cave gnashed their teeth, slobbered over their feet and tapped their tails in anticipation. It looked like Old Home Week with the Seanspicer, the Huckabeecyclops and the Stephaniegrisham squatting off to the side. The Tyrumposaurus stepped to the Flat Rock Lectern.

“I’m beginning this briefing because more of me and less of anyone else is always better. I thought that it might be a good idea however, to begin these briefings again after the, uh .. 400-day vacation, everybody needs a vacation now and then. But I need to show Dino Nation how transparent I am, especially with the November battle coming up. I’ve brought the Kayleighmcenany on board and she’s only going to be saying nice things about me, I’m sure. Lots of nice things. Only nice things. I’ve invited her predecessors back, some may say for maximum embarrassment, but when have I done that before?  I don’t know. No one knows. Kayleigh won’t have any trouble with the facts like Sean here did. She won’t be as combative as the Huckabeecyclops … and the fact Kelly’s even in the cave with us today puts her one briefing ahead of Stephanie. Now that I’ve upset several dinos — but that’s what I’m here — I’ll turn things over to my new Briefing Cave dino. Kayleigh?”

The Kayleighmcenany stepped smartly to the lectern. The short arm of the Jillcolvin shot up.

“Sorry, I have to ask, but your predecessors there were extremely allergic to the truth. So, do you promise, like wrap your tail around my tail 99 times-type of promise, to absolutely never ever ever lie to us?”

“I will never lie to you. You have my word on that.”

A couple of dinosaurs checked the sun for the time. The Jimacosta dove in.

“The T-Rump says the allegations against the Joebiden are far more compelling than those made against the Brettkavanaugh. How can he say that?”

“Thanks, Jim. That’s an easy one. The allegations against the Brettkavanaugh are verifiably false.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! … Liar!

It was the Seanspicer.

“I’ve been waiting for this for s-o-o-o-o-o long. It sure beats dancing.”

The Jimacosta jumped in.

“Verifiably false?! By who? Where? When? Listen, Kayleigh, you’re going to have to start citing some sources because we, the fourth estate for dinos, are going to call you on this nonsense and rubbish your party has been spouting from that pulpit for the past three years.”

“Hmmph. Well, I never.”

“That’s because it’s your first day. Next question. The T-Rump is saying that he has evidence that the Langleyops dinos were setting up the Flynnhasbeen.”

“Oh, a Flynn question. Darn, I hate those. Hmm. I’m just going to say we have a Langleyops message that says, quote, we need to get Flynn to lie, unquote, and get him fired.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! … Liar!

It was the Huckabeecyclops.

“Way ahead of you, sister. I only lied once.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! … Liar!

It was the Seanspicer. 

“Why you little …” The Huckabeecyclops slugged him.

“O-w-w-w-w!”

“Kayleigh,” said the Jimacosta, “you’re taking that message completely out of context. The Langleyops were simply brainstorming a game plan as to how to conduct the interview, something they do every day. The Flynnhasbeen admitted he lied to them. He pleaded guilty, remember? … Last question, Kayleigh, then I’ll give you a break. Why should the public find the sexual misconduct allegations against the T-Rump from more than 20 women less credible than the one against the Joebiden?” 

“Easy-peasy. They warned me about this one. The T-Rump has swiftly denied all those allegations that were raised four years ago.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! … Liar!

It was the Stephaniegrisham. 

“Oh, sure, I never got up there. Because I prefer talking to the home team, the Foxsquawkbox dinos, but I could’ve lied too. I mean not lied. Damn!”

It was just another Mediacircustops briefing in T-Rump world.

“Kayleigh” said the Jimacosta, “while many of the allegations were made against the T-Rump four years ago, it was just last year that the latest accuser, the Jeancarroll, came forward. How many is enough, anyway?”

“Do I have to answer that one too?”

She scanned the room. Her eyes lit up as she spotted a pair of dinos in the back leaning against the wall.

“Wait, aren’t you those harmonizing Eaglesaurae, the Glennfrey and the Donhenley?”

“That’s right, dear,” said the Glennfrey.

Her face turned beet red.

“What are you doing here? Did you come just to see me?”

“Kind of. We have a  song for you.”

“Shut up!”

“You mean the song’s for me,” interrupted the T-Rump.

“Oh, we didn’t forget you.”

“Carry on then.”

And they did.

 

Pretty girls come to the T-Rump early

To get top billin’ on his speed dial

And Kelly, well, there is no need to hurry

To remember all your lines for his trial

The briefings here, have been rather lonely

Waitin’ a whole year, so this is kinda nice

But it breaks our hearts knowin’ that you’ll be only

Giving thanks to all your Fox and friends advice

So the scales of truth, they need a little evenin’

Those up in the Senate, they let us down

So stop the stonewallin’ and the deceivin’

Don’t be keepin’ this the swampy side of town

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes

All this while, inside somethin’ dies 

Defendin’ T-Rump is so unwise

There ain’t no way to hide his whopper lies

You do know that the whole nation is a-waitin’

For big virus testin’ to fill the bill

You have a boss that’s always hesitatin’

Ya can’t tell us how many he’s gonna kill

You seem like you once had it all together

You know that it’s been more than a long while

You swear that you’re gonna tell the truth forever

Well, you can toss that one on the ol’ scrap pile

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes

All this while, inside somethin’ dies

Defendin’ T-Rump is so unwise

There ain’t no way to hide his whopper lies

The push to open up has been a strong one

This virus is no star across our sky 

This line of reckonin’ could be a long one

What say ya back the doctors, could ya try?

You wonder how he could call Biden crazy

You know he’s the one put old in old school

If and when your thinkin’ starts turnin’ hazy

Ya just found out you’re workin’ for a fool

My, oh my, your boss knows how to tweet things

They screw things up so bad, so dreadfully

It’d be funny if you could actually change things

But three swings are a strike out, one-two-three

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes

All this while, inside somethin’ dies

Defendin’ T-Rump is so unwise

There ain’t no way to hide his whopper lies

There ain’t no way to hide his whopper lies

Honey, you’re a voice we now despise

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Bloomberg …

The Michaelbloomberg raised his short arm at the gathering of Bamahama dinos.

“I’m here.”

All of a sudden you couldn’t throw a rock at a Donkeykongrus meeting without hitting a Billionairus dino. The Billionairus was a large herbivore known to devour and regurgitate huge amounts of leaves from the rare, hard-to-reach moolah-moolah tree. Sub-family to this species was the Tomsteyer, a dino dead set on the Tyrumposaurus’ impeachment for so long, wise dinos deemed it an epoch until itself. More than just putting his moolah-moolah where his mouth was, the Tomsteyer had taken the next step of entering the leadership race of Donkeykongrus hopefuls. His platform? Something about promising not to eat so many moolah-moolah leaves.

And now the Michaelbloomberg. Another Billionairus, the battle-scarred veteran was from the Manhattinhand region, the same neck of the woods as the T-Rump. The Michaelbloomberg was very familiar with the T-Rump’s shenanigans before the orange-skinned dino became ruler of the Milkanhoney Preservation. 

At first glance of the Michaelbloomberg, there were a few snorts of disdain from the other Donkeykongrus dinos who’d been thundering down the long-winded, long, winding campaign battle path leading to the Iowa Corn-cob-us just three months away. But Donkeykongrus dinos were a social, welcoming lot. They tended to share their moolah-moolah leaves, scarce as they were, no questions asked.

Except for the Supertramporus. This dino, Sub-family of the Donkeykongrus Superpackian species, was not going to take the entrance of the Michaelbloomberg squatting, mired in some mud puddle. No sirree. The Supertramporus rose from said mud puddle, ripples replete with consternation and contempt.

 

 

Bloomberg, you know you are a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said Bloomberg, you’re nothing but a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said “You’re late, by a day, a year or what it is!” 

You know, Bernie said those days have come and are through

Now there’s not a lot you can do

Bloomberg, your moolah-moolah, Bloomberg

So now you skip the first four contests, oh no!

Woo!

 

I said, “You’re late by a day, a year, or what it is!”

You know, when you came, you saw without much ado 

Now why should we listen to you?

 

You’ll find your dinos someday 

 

If I could just waltz in

You can call yourself the real McCoy

If I could beat the drum

Super Tuesday’s not some moderate ploy

Well, if I could just waltz in

Where’s your following?

Looks like you forgot something

Well, can your moolah bring joy to the world?

 

Take a stream out of swamp’s way 

Take this life, take it all away

Take a lie, take a schemer

Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, you are wrong!

 

Bloomberg, you know you are a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said Bloomberg, you’re nothing but a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

Oh no!

 

…………………………………………………………………

Be sure to catch the musical version in this Saturday’s “The T-Rump Dig” podcast at Podbean.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

I Just Called to Say I Lied to You …

“It was the perfect visit! The perfect call!”

The T-Rump looked around the Oval Dwelling at his squatting sycophants. The Mincepencenow, the Mickmulvaney, the Stephenmillerus and the Stephaniegrisham, all wishing they could be anywhere but here, if only to escape the latest T-Rump temper tantrum. It reminded them of a dino tot bellowing because one Brontosaurus drumstick wasn’t enough. 

But the adult dinos in the room all had caves to keep and dinos to feed and after all, selling their souls had come so cheaply. All was good. The sun had continued rising each morning, ending things that went bump in the night. Even if there were the rumblings of nearby volcanoes. Or was that the hue and cry from the Donkeykongrus dinos and their insufferable impeachment inquiry?

“Excuse me.”

It was the Gordonsondland.

The Mickmulvaney gave him a panicked look and motioned him to shut up and squat. Immediately. Like now. The Mickmulvaney’s eyes pleaded with him. Never interrupt a T-Rump temper tantrum. It only gets worse. Better to let it play out like a bad belch because a wrong turn in the T-Rump’s walnut was a recipe for projectile vomit.

“Who are the Marieyovanovitch, the Billtaylor and this Alexandervindman!?” the T-Rump raged. “Who are these dinos!?”

The dinos in the room shuddered. Uh-oh. Was that a rhetorical question? Good gawd. Did the T-Rump even know what that was? As the leader of the Dino Nation’s inner circle considered fetal position submission, the Gordonsondland saw his chance.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

The T-Rump spun with a lash of the tail, barely missing the dino ambassador.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the Gordonsondland. You appointed me, remember? I gave you a million moolah-moolah leaves?”

“Oh, that’s right. And you did stick up for me during the impeachment inquiry, even though I told you not to go.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here.”

“To give me more moolah-moolah?”

“No, I needed to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know how to say this.”

“Then sing it.”

The T-Rump staffers collectively nodded that their boss was certifiable.

“Sing it?” asked the Gordonsondland.

The T-Rump nodded, challenging him. And so the dino ambassador did.

 

No quid pro quo to investigate

No salacious, media-biased headlines to explain away

No bribery

No extorting

In fact it’s just another Lev an’ Igor day

 

No T-Rump stain

No pending doom

No betting Pompeo pops like a cheap balloon

But what it is, is what I knew

Made up these four words that I must say to you

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a whopper from the start

 

No probing eye

No Rudy’s guy

No shadow foreign policy came to light

No arms to squeeze

No stalling thieves

Not even time for the Williambarr to indict

 

No corruption

No T-Rump link

No damaging revelations that one might think

But what it is, so bold, so blue

To chill your soul like no four words could ever do

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, and you?

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a colossal brain fart

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, take two

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean I was just trying to play my part, to be smart,

Bless your heart

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

I Got Baghdadi …

“Squawk! Something very big just happened! Squawk!”

It was an evening Trollertweety squawk from the Tyrumposaurus that would keep Dino Nation up all night wondering and worrying what it was about. In this way the T-Rump kept dinosaurs across the land on alert, albeit one foot on the ledge, ready to leap off should his latest knee-jerk adventure turn apocalyptic in nature.

The following morning, the bleary-eyed Mediacircustops surrounded the T-Rump, who looked like he had eaten a Canarysaurus or two. The Mediacircustops had already discovered what the story was through their hoof-to-ground diligence. The Isisaurae leader, the Abu-Bakr-al-Baghdadi, a big bad dino who’d been terrorizing the Middle Eastlands for years, had been killed in a special operation by Milkanhoney Preservation dinos.

The T-Rump was twenty minutes late. He loved making dinos wait for him. He finally stepped up to the flat rock lectern.

“Before I say anything, I just want to thank the Russodinos. They were very helpful. Just great. Extremely great. Secondly, let’s remember that, just like all these crazy dino depositions that are going on, I do not need any help with a strategy. I am the team. I got rid of everybody. Stephanie, do you have something to add?”

The Stephaniegrisham dutifully stood up, smiled brightly and it was all downhill from there.

“I would just like to point out that I worked with the Johnkelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great leader. Just because he was a four-star general. I mean, c’mon, dinos.”

“Thank you, Stephanie,” said the T-Rump. “We all understand you do have to say something so you can keep your job. Now then. I was a little late today because I had breakfast with the Ericclapton. I threatened him, I mean, I asked him to write a song for me to celebrate this vicious, ruthless — but wonderful — occasion. I was thinking about having a parade too, but the Nancypelosi and the Adamchiff would probably have a heart attack. Anyway, the Ericclapton begged off, something about a slow hand, so I had the Stephenmillerus tackle it. Great writer. He does all my speeches. But I’m a better singer than him of course. I’m a better singer than all you Mediacircustops here.”

The T-Rump  coughed up some phlegm, effectively clearing his throat. He held up a hand for supreme quiet and began …

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

All around in this damn town

They’re trying to put me down

The Donkeykongrus says I am guilty

For the lack of all integrity

For the lack of integrity

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, and I’ll charge it as a capital expense

 

The Adamschiff always hated me;

For what I don’t know

Every time that I showed my greed 

He said, “That? That is a new low.”

He said, “That? Another new low.”

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

 

Great luck came my way one day

Impeachment had got me down

I told the Adamschiff to kiss my crown

The shifty Schiff did frown

So I taught, I taught this clown

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

This thug was a distraction, you see

He died like a dog. For me

My victory lap, every day we’ll hear

His whimpering, crying and screaming

Yes, whimpering, crying and screaming

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1005 & 1009

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-au667-c4d585

A musical treat! This week’s T-Rump Dig podcast includes: Day 1005 — Heartbreak Doral … The T-Rump must come to grips with losing the G-7-Showed-Up dino conference … and … Day 1009 — Who Let The Dogs Out? … The Mattgaetz and his marauders crash the dino deposition hearings.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Who Let the Dogs Out? …

The prim and proper Lauracooper squatted into her assigned spot and folded her short arms respectfully over her belly. The deputy dino assistant secretary of defense for the Moscovian Bluffs, the Ukraine Plain and Eur-asia-butwhatami waited patiently for her deposition to begin. She joined a long line of patriot dinos who had stepped forward from within the Dino Department of State to wax eloquent on the Tyrumposaurus’ alleged quid pro quo / bribery / extortion with the Zelensky of the Ukraine Plain to acquire dirt on the Joebiden.

The Marieyovanovitch, the Gordonsondland, the Georgekent and the Billtaylor had preceded the Lauracooper to tell woebegone tales that made the Donkeycongrus cringe in their disturbing nature. The Grandoldparty response? They avoided the Mediacircustops at all cost, afraid that a slip of tongue may anger the T-Rump.

But alas, the T-Rump was already angry. Desperate Day number 1009 called for Desperate Measure number 7,814. The day before he’d referred to any Grandoldparty dino that had questioned his actions, as ‘dino scum.’ It was a misnomer of sorts, as any dino who swam in the swampy, putrid Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir was already covered in scum. Scum atop scum upon scum layered with scum. There was simply no escaping it.

The Lauracooper of course had no idea what was about to happen. One moment she was squatting there waiting for her cue to begin her opening statement, her hands still respectfully clasp over her belly, when she heard it. An approaching sound. A commotion of sorts. There were shadows of dinos approaching not one, not two, but all three entrances to the secure dino chamber. The presiding chair dino, the Adamschiff, a master politico-dino prepared for anything, looked up from his post at the top rock lectern. For the past two weeks, he’d been ridiculed, harassed and practically censored by the Grandoldparty dinos. They were upset he’d paraphrased the hallowed words of the T-Rump in a somewhat mocking monologue. The Adamschiff’s eyes widened at the sight of the approaching opposition in the form of two dozen trespassing dinos. He raised his head and hollered … 

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

 

Well their party was nice, their party was somethin’

Now they think they can have it all

You hear’em say, “Start the name calling.”

And Nancy responds to the call

They need a smack on the snout

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

I see the dinos just want to stall

‘Cause they really want to skip town

Get back Mattgaetz, back Mobrooks

Get back you shameful, sinful Steveking

 

Gonna tell myself, “Markmeadows is angry.”

And listen to the Jimjordan whine

But they tell me, “Hey, we need to save the party!”

They don’t like the process, but what about the crime?

They be in trouble, no doubt.

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

See, the T-Rump is nothing if he don’t have a throne

The T-Rump holds his throne, the T-Rump holds it

The T-Rump is nothing if he don’t have a throne

The T-Rump holds his throne, the T-Rump holds it

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

I see the dinos just want to stall

‘Cause they really want to skip town

Get back Mattgaetz, back Mobrooks

Get back you shameful, sinful Steveking

 

Well, if I’m a dino, then they’re a pawn

I gotta make my move before impeachment’s gone

Do you see the truth comin’ from my eye?

Talking to his base,

The T-Rump’s breakin’ them down

 

Me and the dino courts

Just pick a crime, any crime will do

I’ll stick on them, what they say is bull

‘Cause it’s the law of the land

Remember, Williambarr?  “Ooh!”

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Heartbreak Doral …

The T-Rump eyes moved warily between the Mickmulvaney and the Mikepompeo. It was another week of walk-backs at the Oval Dwelling. The acting Dino Chief of Staff had spoken out of both sides of his mouth on the Ukraine Plain dilemma and the T-Rump then pulled out of hosting the Gee-7-Showed-Up at his Doral Gnats’n All multi-cave resort. There was also the continued hollowing out of the Dino Department of State under the Mikepompeo’s watch, who shook his head and sighed.

“I feel so frustrated.”

“You feel frustrated?!” snapped the T-Rump.

“I tell Mick here there was no quid pro quo. Didn’t I? I distinctly said no no quid pro quo. What did I say, Mick?”

“You said no no quid pro quo.”

“Exactly!”

“But that’s a double negative, meaning there was a quid pro quo. And I mean, we do it all the time.”

“Ahem, news flash. They’re not supposed to know about it.”

“But Giuliani–”

“Rudy’s Rudy. He’s crazy like a fox. He has so many shady deals going on, you gotta hand it to him. He’s really pulling his weight. Until he pulls me in of course. Then I’ll just say he’s working for the Putinodon. Meanwhile, he’s doing just great.”

The T-Rump frowned at the Mikepompeo. 

“Which is more than I can say for you. What are you doing for me? Today.”

The Mikepompeo stared at him, incredulous at the T-Rump for propping up the Rudygiuliani. Who’s he talking to? How can he believe that? Face it, I know way too much. When I was with the Langleyops, I didn’t know this much. He finally spoke.

“I’m not saying anything. Ahem. To protect you.”

“Well that’s just great. You stand in front of the Mediacircustops looking like some dopey mime.”

A snicker escaped the Mickmulvaney.

The T-Rump pointed a finger at him.

“They were laughing at you too. Which means they’re laughing at me. Get out of here. Both of you. Before I get in a hollowing-out mood. It’s never too late to hollow out, y’know.”

The two dinos hung their heads in shame as they exited, tails between their legs.

The T-Rump shook his head in despair. Heavy thoughts weighed on his mind. Dammit. This was not going well. He’d been so looking forward to hosting the dino world leaders at the Doral Gnats’n All.

He waddled from foot to foot, his short arms on his hips, rocking, gyrating. He felt his inner voice rising. He couldn’t hold it in. His soul raced to the surface.

 

Well, since Johnkelly left me

Well, my world went all to hell 

Well, I can’t have dino leaders meet

At Heartbreak Doral

Where I’d see, I’d see more money, baby

Where I’d see money

Now there’s no money, I could cry

 

Oh, I promised them zero profit

I said take fifty rooms

For wealthy Gee-Seven-ers

But now you see my gloom

I’ll get no, I’ll get no money, baby

I’ll get no money

I’ll get no money, I could cry

 

Now, my flip-flops just keep floppin’

And the media cracks back

Well, blame it on the Donkeykongrus

And their hostile attack

And I get no, I get no money, baby

I get no money

I get no money, I could cry

 

Well, now, if Mulvaney leaves me

And he’s got a tale to tell

Well, this is just how cheaters cheat

At Heartbreak Doral

I wish I’d see, I wish I’d see money, baby

I need the money

I need the money, I could cry

 

Oh, and although there are some bedbugs

You still can find some room

I’d have your moolah-moolah before your bug bites bloom

But there is no, there is no money, baby

There’s no money

Now there’s no money, I could cry

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Get Over It …

“Hello, y’all out there in Dino Land,” the Mickmulvaney said, addressing a large throng of Mediacircustops, hungry for their latest fill of news gone mad in the wake of the Tyrumposaurus impeachment inquiry. The foundation of the Oval Dwelling showed new cracks on the hour. And those weren’t just from the T-Rump whacking his tail against the wall in frustration.

“How about that Nancypelosi meltdown the other day? Did you see that? The T-Rump calls her a third-grade politician and she storms out of the Oval Dwelling. What’s up with that? She can’t even take a joke. Pretty thin-skinned if you ask me. He’s called me much worse and I’m still here.”

“But I have great news to report. The Mincepencenow and the Mikepompeo have indeed sealed the deal with the Erdogan. The Kurdishian dinos have to leave their caves in the next five days. We gave the Erdogan everything he wanted. The Putinodon was one happy dino too. That was just gravy of course. Problem solved. The T-Rump saved the day. Again. Can you stand it?”

There was audible groaning from the Mediacircustops. 

“In other news,” the Mickmulvaney continued, “the Rickperry just resigned. That’s a week since the Mikepompeo’s number two dino resigned. A whole week. That’s a long time in this dino-eat-dino world, right? I wouldn’t read anything into it though. I’m sure they both left these plum positions so they could spend a couple more hours each day with their families munching mulberry bushes.”

“And don’t think the Oval Dwelling is worried about all these depositions the Department of Dino State dinos are giving. Nope. Not for a minute. The Marieyovanovitch, the Fionahill, the Michaelmckinley, the Gordonsondland … c’mon dinos, it’s just shop talk. There’s no there there. This impeachment inquiry is the real joke.”

The Jimacosta spoke up.

“Was there a quid pro quo between the T-Rump and the Zelensky?”

The Mickmulvaney stared him down.

“Quid pro quo? Of course there was.”

The collective jaws of the Mediacircustops hit the ground with a resounding thud. The Mickmulvaney slowly took in the befuddling scene before him. Had he said the wrong thing? At least he didn’t think so. Better to soldier on and of course, when in doubt … sing …

 

I turn around today and what do I see

A whole lotta dinos cryin’ “he’s guilty!”

They point their crooked little fingers at our mighty T-Rump

Spend all their time findin’ ways to make us jump

I just said this, I just said that

You’re not gonna win cuz we’re standin’ pat

 

Get over it

Get over it

All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit

Get over it, get over it

You say that our best dinos, they’re little more than trash

But you might just agree we change’em in a flash

The more I think about it, Moscowmitch was right

Let’s all drag our heels, the end’s in sight

You think I’m a jerk, you want to have a new king

But the fix is in, we’re gonna beat this thing

 

Get over it

Get over it

Have you ever seen a family that is so close-knit?

Get over it, get over it

 

It’s like the worst corruption every time I hear you speak

We’re breakin’ the law, what a winnin’ streak 

Some call it sick, we just turn our cheek

You drag your tails all around in vain

You follow every lane; you follow to Ukraine

You gave it all your best and still you wear a frown

We do it in the open, there’s no hidin’ in this town

The three amigos have committed no crime

I’d like to remind you that we do it all the time

 

Get over it

Get over it

All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit

Get over it, get over it

Get over it

Get over it

Poor Rudy’s goin’ broke, so why don’t you quit?

Get over it, get over it

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Thank You, On You We Depend …

This weekend, north of the Milkanhoney Preservation, came the collective roar of much celebrating by dinosaurs in Canadiana, home to the Backbaconsaurus. The ruckus reached the ears of the Tyrumposaurus, who turned to his latest sidekick-yet-to-be-kicked-out, the Mickmulvaney.

“Mick, what’s going on with our northern neighbours?”

“Why, it’s that time of year when Canadiana dinos from near and far come together to give thanks.”

“Really, I’d like you to get all the Grandoldparty dinos together so they can thank to me.”

“But we’re doing that in six weeks.”

“And we’re doing it now. Admit it, you can’t thank me enough.”

That was how dozens of Grandoldparty dinos came to gather before the T-Rump — six weeks early — to pay homage to him and celebrate all of his stunning accomplishments from the past year. 

This had of course once been the proud dino pack of the Abrahamlincoln but it had since thrown aside the rules of dino law and good government in favor of scaring the bejesus out of respectful dino folk. Absolutely nothing was sacred for the Tyrumposaurus as he continued his tenacious tenure as a strictly transactional tyrant. 

He’d be counting heads today and what have you done for me lately meant being here before him. And here they were. His all-star team of dino delinquents: the morose Moscowmitch, the clear as mud Kevinmccarthy, the jumpy Jimjordan, the mundane Markmeadows and dozens more Grandoldparty dinos who knew full well that calling out the T-Rump meant being culled from the herd.

That didn’t stop the one prevailing thought running through each of their scrawny noggins, which was how the Rudygiuliani and his Russo-ragamuffins, the Levparnas and the Igorfruman had been caught smearing the Marieyovanovitch in the T-Rump’s quest to get foreign dinos to help him win the next big battle. The truth was now coming out, entrapping powerful dinos like the Mikepompeo in a chain of corruption that led to the ringmaster himself. Impeachment was the white elephant squatting on all of them.

The T-Rump had wanted to build in an entertainment factor to this year’s giving of thanks, so he demanded they craft their message into a song. With extra harmony. He didn’t know what that meant. It was just his Big Word of the Day. This order for musical merriment was due in large part because no dinos liked singing at his battle campaign rallies. Indeed, many had demanded that he stop singing their songs or they would gladly roar obscenities in his ear.

The leader of the free running dino world smiled smugly, turned to his entourage, gave them the thumbs up and their tribute began …

 

Thank you, on you we depend

Traveled down a road and back again

Outsmart the few, we’ll grin and bear it, at every taunt

 

We’re not ashamed to say

We hope it always will stay this way

The jig is up, but you’re still here and we don’t know how

 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see, that most would flee but here we’d be

And puckering up to say

Thank you, on you we depend

Thank you, it’s fine you offend

Thank you, don’t let it all end

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

 

If you’re under attack

We’d surely, blindly protect your back 

Whatever you need, anytime of the day or night

We’re not ashamed to say

We hope it always will stay this way

The jig is up, but you’re still here and we don’t know how

 

And when the Turks get bolder

And kill all the Kurds in their way

Have no fear, you’ve been perfectly clear

We will stand by you and say

Thank you, on you we depend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end (We wanna spank you)

Let us not impeach! Amen! (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

 

And when we lose and slink away

Into the night, down Satan’s way

You’ll hear us call, as we descend

We’ll find you there, the devil’s friend

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear …

Mwa-a-a-h … mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah … mwa-a-a-h

 

Thank you, on you we depend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

Dinos, we can’t impeach! Amen! (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end 

Woah, we can’t impeach! Amen! (Thank you right now, don’t leave with my friend)

We wanna tell you right now and we’ll tell you again

We wanna spank you, spank you, spank your flabby rear end.