I Just Called to Say I Lied to You …

“It was the perfect visit! The perfect call!”

The T-Rump looked around the Oval Dwelling at his squatting sycophants. The Mincepencenow, the Mickmulvaney, the Stephenmillerus and the Stephaniegrisham, all wishing they could be anywhere but here, if only to escape the latest T-Rump temper tantrum. It reminded them of a dino tot bellowing because one Brontosaurus drumstick wasn’t enough. 

But the adult dinos in the room all had caves to keep and dinos to feed and after all, selling their souls had come so cheaply. All was good. The sun had continued rising each morning, ending things that went bump in the night. Even if there were the rumblings of nearby volcanoes. Or was that the hue and cry from the Donkeykongrus dinos and their insufferable impeachment inquiry?

“Excuse me.”

It was the Gordonsondland.

The Mickmulvaney gave him a panicked look and motioned him to shut up and squat. Immediately. Like now. The Mickmulvaney’s eyes pleaded with him. Never interrupt a T-Rump temper tantrum. It only gets worse. Better to let it play out like a bad belch because a wrong turn in the T-Rump’s walnut was a recipe for projectile vomit.

“Who are the Marieyovanovitch, the Billtaylor and this Alexandervindman!?” the T-Rump raged. “Who are these dinos!?”

The dinos in the room shuddered. Uh-oh. Was that a rhetorical question? Good gawd. Did the T-Rump even know what that was? As the leader of the Dino Nation’s inner circle considered fetal position submission, the Gordonsondland saw his chance.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

The T-Rump spun with a lash of the tail, barely missing the dino ambassador.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the Gordonsondland. You appointed me, remember? I gave you a million moolah-moolah leaves?”

“Oh, that’s right. And you did stick up for me during the impeachment inquiry, even though I told you not to go.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here.”

“To give me more moolah-moolah?”

“No, I needed to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know how to say this.”

“Then sing it.”

The T-Rump staffers collectively nodded that their boss was certifiable.

“Sing it?” asked the Gordonsondland.

The T-Rump nodded, challenging him. And so the dino ambassador did.


No quid pro quo to investigate

No salacious, media-biased headlines to explain away

No bribery

No extorting

In fact it’s just another Lev an’ Igor day


No T-Rump stain

No pending doom

No betting Pompeo pops like a cheap balloon

But what it is, is what I knew

Made up these four words that I must say to you


I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a whopper from the start


No probing eye

No Rudy’s guy

No shadow foreign policy came to light

No arms to squeeze

No stalling thieves

Not even time for the Williambarr to indict


No corruption

No T-Rump link

No damaging revelations that one might think

But what it is, so bold, so blue

To chill your soul like no four words could ever do


I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, and you?

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a colossal brain fart


I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, take two

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean I was just trying to play my part, to be smart,

Bless your heart

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