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Satire The Trump Dig

The Pond Talk …

If I could read dinosaurs minds, what a tale they’d tell. Maybe it’s because I fell asleep last night listening to Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind. At any rate, today I found tell-tale bones from fossils T-Rump, Sessionsopus, Crookadillary, Comeyonius, Putinodon and Muellersavus landing in my lap. I quickly pieced together the story.

The Sessionsopus had been a trail blazer for the T-Rump, parting the weeds across the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. The T-Rump took him under his tail and they happily coexisted — until the day they came across the Crookadillary at a pond behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. These bones speak to me. Here’s what they say:

“Ohmigod,” said the T-Rump. “The Crookadillary! On my pond. Can you believe it? Prove your loyalty. Attack!”

“But look at her, she’s beaten already. What’s the point?”

“And you call yourself a saurapod? You’re just another quadrupedal herbivore. A herbivore with no teeth. Face it. You’re beleaguered! BE-LEE-GRRED!”

“I have friends on the Hill. Right over there.”

The T-Rump rolled his eyes. The Sessionsopus pushed on.

“I did help you beat the Comeyonius.” 

“You’re my assistant gofer. My A.G. What have you done for me lately? Remember the Putinodon? One look and you hid in the bushes. You HID. Out of sight.”

“Excuse me, I excused myself.”

“What kind of dinosaur excuses himself? Why are you even with me?”

“I play nice with the other Donkeycongrus.”

“That’s a weak answer. VERY weak!”

“You can bully me all you want. I’m not going anywhere. I owe it to the Continental Divide.”

“Isn’t that sweet?” said the T-Rump. “You sound just like the Muellersavus.”

The Crookadillary straightened and lumbered away from the pond. 

“Look what she did!” the T-Rump bellowed. “She destroyed my pond!”

“It’s leaking.”

“And you just stand there. I’m disappointed. I wanted you to be tougher on leaks. They’re leaking like rarely have they ever leaked before.”

The T-Rump watched the departing Crookadillary.

“That’s it. Run! A pox on you of 30,000 snails!”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Snail fossils are so very small.

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Satire The Trump Dig

The T-Rump Dump …

More news for my unique sedimentary layer classification process known as the T-Rump Tower Profile. I struck pay dirt at the lowest level of dirt. I’m calling it the T-Rump Dump. These are the skeletons of dinosaurs that simply got in the T-Rump’s way. For several it was a fall from grace, when they were fully grazing on the Steppes of Liberteez Shield —the site of present-day Puhl-DePlugg. These dinosaurs were chewed up and spit out. The jaws of the T-Rump were merciless. Each of the specimens I discovered had mostly crushed vertebrae. It’s clear the Tyrumposaurus backed up and walked over them again.

Thus far, I emphasize thus far, the T-Rump Dump dinosaurs include …

The Flynnalexus — a bipedaling herbivore with a small head and a long neck. His name is derived from the Latin word for “pickle.”

The Sallyatesaur — a small sauropod with a short neck and stubby limbs who got in the way of the T-Rump’s migratory patterns and paid dearly for it.

The Comeyonus — a carnivorous theropod with an elegant, refined jaw. This turkey-sized prey looked to be easy pickings for the T-Rump, but must have caused massive indigestion.

And finally the Spicerator, a Mediacircustops-chasing malcontentian dinosaur. He had a very rough outer surface that rubbed the T-Rump the wrong way. They were never on the same page.

Waiting for the next dinosaur bone to drop. That’s the kind of watering hole Puhl-DePlugg was during the height — or depth — of the Trumpassic Period.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Sessionsopus & Muellersavus!

Sometimes the bones whisper. Sometimes they scream. Today was a screaming day at Puhl-DePlugg. These weren’t shouts of jubilation at the discovery of yet two more dinosaurs. This brings the total to a staggering 35. The fossilized commotion instead had the T-Rump appearing to snipe back at the two new dinos: the Sessionsopus and the Muellersavus.

The Sessionopus was a maximus-justis sauropod with a relatively complete skull. The Muellersavus meanwhile, was a titano-investigatis ankylosaurid whose bones offer a pristine view into the intricate strata of the Kremlinville Close-Mouthed Plot — the latest sedimentary layer in my T-Rump Tower classification. Its dark depth is massive.

It appears, in paleo-political parlance, that the Sessionsopus had, as a matter of course, recused himself outside of the T-Rump’s reach. This obviously left the T-Rump seething and taking aim next at the Muellersavus. There’s a curious red line in the sand between them. This may have something to do with their mytaxes returnis. This is the thick layer of green skin that dinosaurs shed each spring. It’s a painful process that all dinosaurs must undergo. Except for the T-Rump.

Walnut-sized brains aside, I can’t explain why the dinosaurs close to the T-Rump are okay with this. It can only mark the first contagious psychological disease of the Trumpassic Period. Following extensive rock-turning analysis, I have dubbed it the Lost Our Logic Syndrome or LOL.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Then There Were 8 …

How many dinosaurs can you fit in a phone booth? We’re now up to eight. That’s the problem with the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. I was hoping for more transparency between the T-Rump and the Mediacircustops because the T-Rump is indeed cratering. Tis better to laugh than cry however. Sift on, Macduff! That would be my trusty dirt box. (Sift. Sift. Sift.)

The eighth dinosaur is the Kaveladzoma, yet another member of the Sub-Family Kayjeebeeops. Yes, you guessed it. He’s linked closely to the Agalarovenator. They’re both Lamborghinius — racing field lizards — from the Mid-to-High Crustaceous-Crocus Group Period. The Kaveladzoma, a voracious but tidy herbivore, was known to have washed his greens 1.4 billion times on 2000 different banks of the Russo-Delaware Broker Ridge.

The T-Rump may have thought this was merely an instant in time but why so many Kayjeebeeops in one place? Were the Akhmetshinesia, Kaveladzoma and Goldsopranos, a ten-ton sycophantae sauropod from the Jersey Shore Shelf all there merely to facilitate a meeting regarding baby dinos the Veselnitschemus and the T-Rump’s horde? Did this have anything to do with her being mere dirt-throwing distance from the Crookadillary?

Downward ho, Macduff! That’s paleontology! That’s politics!

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Satire The Trump Dig

Follow the Marrow! …

More news on the heels of the osteocollusionitis outbreak here at Puhl-DePlugg. It came to me last night as I was nodding off, dreaming of Dino in the Flintstones. I remembered a 2-day workshop I took in dinosaur forensics. It was called “Follow the Marrow.” This morning that strategy led me to a nearby dinosaur, the Browdersaurus, a huge, 15-ton foreign investaurus.

In my last report, we learned the Putinodon, Akhmetshinesia, Veselnitschemus and other Kayjeebeeops all had osteocollusionitis raging through their bones. But not the Browdersaurus. Let’s recap an epoch or two and line up the three P’s —  politico-paleo-psychoanalysis — to bring everyone up to speed.

It’s clear the Magnitskiactosaur had come between the Putinodon and greener pastures, namely Nest Egg Mountain in the distance. The Kayjeebeeops couldn’t travel freely. The Browdersaurus had close, personal ties to the Magnitskiactosaur in life and death, having shared the neighboring region of Leegull Grounds. The Browdersaurus thus put the other dinosaurs on red notice. That’s def-con 4 in dinosaur-speak. Combine this palpable pressure with the multiple bone stress fractures from his osteocollusionitis and one can imagine what a basket case the Putinodon must have been.

And what about the T-Rump? Will he intervene and provide the Putinodon safe passage to Nest Egg Mountain? Stay tuned. I have Disney on the phone. There’s money in this mud.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Meet the Akhmetshinesia …

Another day, another dinosaur. Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest politico-paleontologist in the world. These poor dinos however, may be the unluckiest. If these bones weren’t so old, I’d consider donning a hazmat suit. The osteocollusionitis bone disease continues to run rampant, as was the case with my latest find. It’s a bone from the hard-to-find Akhmetshinesia, another Kayjeebeeops theropod. Like the Veselnitschemus, he’s directly linked to the Acheroraptor, whose name — scout’s honor — translates to “underworld thief.” The Akhmetshinesia was also known to drink at the same Trumpassic trough as the previously discovered Kasperskisaurus.

I have important new information on the cause of the osteocollusionitis outbreak. Previously thought to be an airborne illness, it actually spread in a drip, drip, drip fashion. Dinosaurs simply soaked in too much dirt together at watering holes. 

I’m also finding mud cracks in the eroding confidencia, a combustible layer of all-hail shale found in what I’m introducing as the T-Rump Tower classification. That is, top-down levels of sediment yet to be discovered.

This all gives me pause. Sometimes I have to sit back and view the situation as it must have been seen through the eyes of the Zakariaraptor, a straight-winged dinosaur with an unbiased flight plan, flying over the heart of the Trumpassic Period. The Zakariaraptor must have thought the following items frankly mystifying:

  1. Would other dinosaurs have taken that meeting at the watering hole if they’d been aware of the threat of osteocollusionitis?
  2. Were T-Rump Jr. and others simply doing opposition research on Crookadillary?
  3. In a battle day meeting with the Macronodon (a “big, enigmatic lizard” from the Champagne Beds), was it just the hot air or did T-Rump have an eye on the impending doom of climate change?
  4. With the Kushneratops’ osteocollusionitis being the most advanced, are his free-running days over? Will his safety and security receive clearance from the Yankeestadia?  These were mythical, old school dinosaurs who preyed on the Kayjeebeeops and who I’m still hoping to find.

It was that kind of day, tiring but exhilarating. My discovery of the Macronodon almost got lost in the shuffling, shifting dirt. Thank god for dirt sifters.

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Satire The Trump Dig

The Smoking Bone …

 

LarsonFarSide_DinosaursSurely this couldn’t be. It made me recall the classic Gary Larson Far Side cartoon included here. No, the dinosaurs didn’t smoke cigarettes, so how did I come across the smoking bone? Allow me to recap this landmark day, a turning point in the Trumpassic Period. I’ve of course had no time to continue work on the Obamacarus and Economonyx, two duty-bound Dryosauridae that remain stuck in the mud.

No, there were bigger Pholidophorus* to fry.  Like the forensic unit of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I always get my bone. And we have a whopper for today. Little T-Rump Jr. gave up a big one. In his “skeleton closet” or backbone, I found a rather long goldstona emailia —  a gold-like chain of linked little bones that when combined made a great tail.

Inside these bones, I found the rampant signs of osteocollusionitis, a rare dinosaur bone disorder only found in the Trumpassic Period. These findings were confirmed by my Russian ex-pat colleague, Fedya Fibsulov.

To what extent the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir is infected remains to be seen, but after discovering and having the privilege of naming 23 new dinosaur species, this major dig is finally coming together.

 * The Pholidophorus was a teleost fish from the Triassic and Jurassic periods.

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Satire

Amazing New Drug for PSB …

Sitting there with nothing to do? Feeling like your imagination has left you?
You may be one of 143 million Americans who suffer from PSB. Plain Simple Boredom. Fortunately there is relief for your lackadaisical ways. Screwitol.

This new drug has been clinically proven in double blind tests on three blind mice. Screwitol was designed when, on a lark, the makers at Freemoney harmaceuticals mixed an intense anti-laxative with highly concentrated prune juice. The result is Screwitol — an internal smoldering volcano that will get you out of your chair within minutes. You may want to consult your physician or put your affairs in order due to the following side effects:

  • Upon taking your first horse pill of Screwitol, consider yourself screwed.
  • In most cases your boredom will initially increase before you suffer excruciating, mind-numbing, wish-you-were-dead pain … like giving birth and passing a kidney stone at the same time.
  • Blood will indeed come out of your eyes and ears.
  • Genetic defects from your ancestry will quickly return.
  • Do not take with food or water unless you want to projectile vomit.
  • You will wish you had a shattered knee cap instead.
  • Other symptoms include Black Plague-like lesions, goosebumps that giddily turn into warts in a rapid onset of leprosy that would give even Mother Teresa pause.
  • You will experience Buyer’s Remorse and want to give away all your money.
  • You will find yourself clipping coupons that expired 20 years ago.
  • You will believe you’re a zombie from Walking Dead.
  • You will go blind.
  • Your toes will curl up and fall off.
  • Your belly button will blast off, mortally wounding a friend or someone close.
  • You will consider self-immolation.
  • All your appendages will fall off one by one.
  • Your flatulence will be chemical weapon calibre.
  • Doctors recommend not blowing your nose. Your head will explode.
  • You will grow a Siamese twin.
  • Your tongue will no longer taste and your teeth will fall out.
  • You will enter a hypnotic state and not lawyer up whenever you hear the word Screwitol.
  • You will lose all sensory perception.
  • Your pets will no longer love you.
  • You will never sleep again.
  • You will never eat again.
  • You will never love again.
  • You will never do anything — worthwhile — again.
Fight back against PSB and end your boredom now with Screwitol. Your last week of life depends on it. Ask for it by name and say it loud. Prices will increase upon reading this.
(This is a satirical piece. Please like, follow, or comment. Do not send money.)
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Satire The Trump Dig

GREED Links T-Rump & T-Rump Jr. …

It was another big day at the ol’ bone garden. I found five new, inexorably-linked bones. It took me all day to pull them apart. The first one was a very significant find. Hard to believe, but the Tyrumposaurus had a son. I have the honor of naming him T-Rump Jr. It was GREED that confirmed their close relation. Graduated Radiometric Extra-Epoch Dating, that is. Like his father, T-Rump Jr. was a bipedal carnivore with a massive skull balanced by a long, heavy tail. His two-clawed digits were able to get into all things DNC (Dirt Not Classified).

The four other bones were from a Kushneratops, a Manaforta, a Veselnitschemus and a Magnitskiactosaur.

The Kushneratops was a horned face herbivore originally from Maryland’s Middle River Double Bone Beds. He obviously covered a lot of real estate to arrive at this close, social position with the T-Rumps.

The Manaforta was a thick-nosed hadrosaurid from Nest Egg Mountain. He had a small, spiky crest in front of his eyes, mainly used in headbutting contests. The Manaforta was the first to feed their young while they were in the nest. It will be interesting to see if this nurturing communication kept them on the same page, er … nest.

The Veselnitschemus was a Kayjeebeeopsaean theropod from the well-preserved Siberian Salt Flats. To balance the gender of my report, I will refer to this attractive fossil as female. She was a lizard with swift hind legs, apparently capable of dumping dirt on the Crookadillary.

The Magnitskiactosaur was a three-ton, whistle-blowing penalcellpod imprisoned in Moscovian mud. Believe it or not — I call it dig-site destiny — but he appeared to be flipping his fifth finger at the other Kayjeebeeops.

How did all this find the light of day? My nagging hunch about the above was confirmed when I discovered the T-Rump Jr.’s SF86 bone had failed to form properly. It stuck out like a sore thumb in this Mesotheliomaean menagerie.