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Satire The Trump Dig

No Rest of Us with the Podestaphus …

Today’s latest dinosaur bone from this treasure trove is the Podestaphus. A cunning, swift-footed lizard, this compromised member of the Sub-Family Donkeycongrus is one of the earliest known dinosaurs to inhabit the eastern U.S. My trusty trowel trembling, I was excited to dig in. Four hours later, I finally managed to extract the sturdy tail bone of the Podestaphus which was meshed up against the T-Rump. It was a bit of a whack-job but I finally managed to get a grip on it.

Of course this is all dirty laundry for the Podestaphus. Why the T-Rump chose to lock horns with him from a good two glaciers away remains a mystery. Thankfully, remains are my job and I love a good mystery. I’m discovering that most of the T-Rump’s bones are off the cuff while much more discipline is required when working with the Putinodon’s hard-to-read position.

Finally, a bone from a low-lying Langleytips informs me there’s more evidence of a meddling Putinodon. The Langleytips was a ceratopsid dinosaur from the Super-Sleuthian Era. The deep throat bone points to undocumented encounters with the Putinodon, whose bones of course hold the truth. I’m getting this all down because, while the Langleytips can’t talk, it may be this bone that tells all.

 

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Satire The Trump Dig

Babushkas and Bugs …

Hard to believe the Tyrumposaurus is so delightfully close to the Putinodon, practically kissing the dinosaur’s sclerotic ring. That would be the ring of bone found in the dinosaur’s stoic eye. There are so many bones to sort through today. I discovered two new species, the Russodiplomatus or Russodip, a stodgy sauropod from the Late-Curmudgeon age, and the Kasperskisaurus or Kasperski, another sauropod with a socket vertebrae network.

The fossil extraction ratio today has kept me on the edge of my milk crate. For every 35 Russodip bones I pulled from the pile, I found another 150 Kasperski bones … and plenty of bugs. It’s as if the dinosaurs were trading places, all under the watchful eye of the Putinodon. I’m not surprised. The Russodip and Kasperski are both Kaygeebeeops, Sub-Family to the Family Babushkus.

I’ve set aside some new bones for tomorrow. I hope they will keep.

 

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Satire The Trump Dig

No T-Rump Blast for Putinodon …

At times the bones beneath me read like a soap opera. The Putinodon was obviously meddling in the Milcanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump paid no mind to this however, determined instead to prey on the Obamarus, a lame, duck-billed dinosaur from Hawaii, not Kenya. In a symbolic and democratic move, the Obamarus was protecting the Donkeykongrus, ancestor to the donkey and African wild ass, hence the above confusion.

It may well be that the Obamarus, on behalf of the Donkeykongrus, was shielding the Crookadillary, a well-bred ankylosaurid dinosaur first found behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. A side note, ankylosaurid translates to “ankle biter.” The T-Rump had obviously had enough of that and upon narrowly defeating the Crookadillary, inexplicably did not engage with the Putinodon.

Why the T-Rump didn’t charge or at least bear its teeth — I’m still looking for those — at the Putinodon for its savage actions? It’s as if the T-Rump’s telling us, “Putinodon? Maybe, but nobody really knows for sure.” More bones to come. Bones that will tell the truth.

In closing today’s post, I wanted to note that, while these past 167 days have been a long, arduous, painstaking journey, my colleagues and I remain hopeful in finding the T-Rump whole.

 

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Satire The Trump Dig

Audi-Merkellian Summit Heartburn? …

I must point out immediately my discovery that I’m not actually sitting on top of a Donaldosaurus. Late last night by the light of a Plasticine candle, I discovered my calculations were off. By 80 million years. What I assumed was a Donaldosaurus is actually a Tyrumpasaurus, or T-Rump for short. Note the shock of orange scalp in the above picture.

The T-Rump appears to have been suffering from something prior to his demise. Gee, 20 Hamburgus’ he devoured on the Audi-Merkellian Summit perhaps? The symptoms are certainly there.  First off, T-Rump can’t escape from NAFTA! It’s everywhere. (Nafta is the local spelling for naptha or crude oil.) Then there’s the gnawing marks of the Travelbanus, a wayward Triassic reptile and the Border-walrus. The two always seem to travel in pairs. The Border-walrus is ancestor to the walrus but was much taller, ten feet to be exact.

Then there’s climate change. Did the T-Rump already forgot about the Cretaceous-Hygiene mass extinction? Too many dinosaurs hemmed and hawed over that one. This all happened in front of the Mediacircustops, who were slow, plodding, muck-raking dinosaurs from the Late-Mesozoic Edward Murrow Formation. They simply wanted their freedom, but tell that to T-Rump.

Finally, the most telling of my Audi-Merkellian Summit prognosis, are the slashing, gashing, too-close-for comfort swipes of the Kimjongadon. I have the feeling this incorrigible crocodile is getting too big for this dig. Which reminds me, I may have to adjust the carbon dating for the Kimjongadon’s extinction. Hmm. Not sure which way T-Rump is leaning. Will know soon, once I sift more dirt.  

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Satire The Trump Dig

Kimjongadon Within Striking Distance? …

The Donaldosaurus is playing second fiddle today as I’ve had to put everything on hold, having discovered no less than four new dinosaurs. Who knew? Close at hand are a Kimjongadon, a Chungkingosaurus, a Rokosaur and a Kittysaurus.

The Kimjongadon was a predator, a johnny-come-lately Cretaceous crocodile, rather than an unusual theropod. He had a strongly developed neural spine, though I only came across a single distal caudal vertebra, as in a two-and-a-half inch backbone. I was unable to extrapolate the species length as the specimen appears to be a child.

The Chungkingosaurus was the strong and silent, herbivorous stegosaurus. It had two rows of spiked plates on its back that seemed to run forever. You can’t miss them. The stegosaurus ruled with it’s dreaded weapon, the thagomizer.  This arsenal featured four to ten tail end spikes, used as a defensive, end-game option.

The Kittysaurus was a theropod dinosaur hailing from the southwest corner of crowded White Chrysanthemum Formation. It was classified as an early “tyrant lizard.” Overpopulation will do that to dinosaurs, even a Kittysaurus. While this animal, proportionately, had the longest hands among non-avialan theropods, I’m out of my element when discussing dinosaur technology.

The Rokosaur was the boy band of Asian herbivores. A basal (not basil) sauropodomorph with soul. Or at least a large body and sturdy limbs enabling it to move about on all fours. Listed at 1.3 tons, with 8 teeth in front (premaxilla) and 19 in the back (maxilla), the Rokosaur was ready for all terrain.

What does this all mean? As mentioned yesterday, I sense the Putinodon is just a bucket of mud away. Will the Putinodon and Chungkingosaurus combine their Troodontidae-Huayangosauridaen wits to keep Kittysaurus and Rokosaur safe from baby croc-pot Kimjongadon? This Trumpassic world depends on it.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Putinodon on Tap? …

I made the startling discovery today of Phalaris canariensis. Birdseed, that is. This hints that with any luck, I may soon discover the remains of the pesky Putinodon, a relatively small bird-like dinosaur that slithered across from the Central Mongolian Plateau during the Siberhackian Era. The Putinodon has a highly unstable classification, having first been thought to be a lizard. With grasping hands, a large brain and stereoscopic vision, he’s much like today’s Procyon, the common raccoon.

If the Donaldosaurus and Putinodon should meet, it would be a Trumpassic first. Expect an Olympian level of macho. Will there be ruffled, fossilized feathers? When the dust is sifted, perhaps the Donaldosaurus had a sour sauropod that day and doesn’t attack. It doesn’t take a political paleontologist to know the Putinodon has been meddling in Rizes cyperaceae (grass roots) since Pangaea broke up into Fordpintosia and Bananaland. So many questions. I love my job.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Scarboropteryx / Mikaceratops Squabble …

I was sipping my morning joe at the excavation site when I noticed there appeared to have been some sort of serious altercation with the Donaldosaurus. I found evidence of a Scarboropteryx and Mikaceratops nearby. It looks like the sniping covered several days.

The Scarboropteryx was a sparrow-sized creature with a tree-dwelling lifestyle and had an unusually elongated middle finger. The Mikaceratops walked on two legs, had short front arms and a beak-like mouth that made a tweeting sound. Not sure what they were doing together, but they were no match when the Donaldosaurus came upon them.

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Satire The Trump Dig

Amazing Geo-Political Find — The Trumpassic Period

D.M.Belisle is a political paleontologist digging into North America’s early Trumpassic Period. He’s dissecting a remarkable fossil that has fueled endless debate. The fossil is of the incredible Donaldosaurus. The name means ‘different lizard.’ It has a huge head with very sharp teeth and weighs in at 2.3 metric tons. It is big. Massive. The biggest.

This major dig promises a true grasp of these turbulent times. Belisle plans to meticulously uncover this historic find bone by bone and will be providing crucial updates in his daily analysis under the heading The Trump Dig. Follow this blog for more.