Sitting there with nothing to do? Feeling like your imagination has left you?
You may be one of 143 million Americans who suffer from PSB. Plain Simple Boredom. Fortunately there is relief for your lackadaisical ways. Screwitol.
This new drug has been clinically proven in double blind tests on three blind mice. Screwitol was designed when, on a lark, the makers at Freemoney harmaceuticals mixed an intense anti-laxative with highly concentrated prune juice. The result is Screwitol — an internal smoldering volcano that will get you out of your chair within minutes. You may want to consult your physician or put your affairs in order due to the following side effects:
- Upon taking your first horse pill of Screwitol, consider yourself screwed.
- In most cases your boredom will initially increase before you suffer excruciating, mind-numbing, wish-you-were-dead pain … like giving birth and passing a kidney stone at the same time.
- Blood will indeed come out of your eyes and ears.
- Genetic defects from your ancestry will quickly return.
- Do not take with food or water unless you want to projectile vomit.
- You will wish you had a shattered knee cap instead.
- Other symptoms include Black Plague-like lesions, goosebumps that giddily turn into warts in a rapid onset of leprosy that would give even Mother Teresa pause.
- You will experience Buyer’s Remorse and want to give away all your money.
- You will find yourself clipping coupons that expired 20 years ago.
- You will believe you’re a zombie from Walking Dead.
- You will go blind.
- Your toes will curl up and fall off.
- Your belly button will blast off, mortally wounding a friend or someone close.
- You will consider self-immolation.
- All your appendages will fall off one by one.
- Your flatulence will be chemical weapon calibre.
- Doctors recommend not blowing your nose. Your head will explode.
- You will grow a Siamese twin.
- Your tongue will no longer taste and your teeth will fall out.
- You will enter a hypnotic state and not lawyer up whenever you hear the word Screwitol.
- You will lose all sensory perception.
- Your pets will no longer love you.
- You will never sleep again.
- You will never eat again.
- You will never love again.
- You will never do anything — worthwhile — again.
Fight back against PSB and end your boredom now with Screwitol. Your last week of life depends on it. Ask for it by name and say it loud. Prices will increase upon reading this.
(This is a satirical piece. Please like, follow, or comment. Do not send money.)
David Belisle 