Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Meet the Akhmetshinesia …

Another day, another dinosaur. Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest politico-paleontologist in the world. These poor dinos however, may be the unluckiest. If these bones weren’t so old, I’d consider donning a hazmat suit. The osteocollusionitis bone disease continues to run rampant, as was the case with my latest find. It’s a bone from the hard-to-find Akhmetshinesia, another Kayjeebeeops theropod. Like the Veselnitschemus, he’s directly linked to the Acheroraptor, whose name — scout’s honor — translates to “underworld thief.” The Akhmetshinesia was also known to drink at the same Trumpassic trough as the previously discovered Kasperskisaurus.

I have important new information on the cause of the osteocollusionitis outbreak. Previously thought to be an airborne illness, it actually spread in a drip, drip, drip fashion. Dinosaurs simply soaked in too much dirt together at watering holes. 

I’m also finding mud cracks in the eroding confidencia, a combustible layer of all-hail shale found in what I’m introducing as the T-Rump Tower classification. That is, top-down levels of sediment yet to be discovered.

This all gives me pause. Sometimes I have to sit back and view the situation as it must have been seen through the eyes of the Zakariaraptor, a straight-winged dinosaur with an unbiased flight plan, flying over the heart of the Trumpassic Period. The Zakariaraptor must have thought the following items frankly mystifying:

  1. Would other dinosaurs have taken that meeting at the watering hole if they’d been aware of the threat of osteocollusionitis?
  2. Were T-Rump Jr. and others simply doing opposition research on Crookadillary?
  3. In a battle day meeting with the Macronodon (a “big, enigmatic lizard” from the Champagne Beds), was it just the hot air or did T-Rump have an eye on the impending doom of climate change?
  4. With the Kushneratops’ osteocollusionitis being the most advanced, are his free-running days over? Will his safety and security receive clearance from the Yankeestadia?  These were mythical, old school dinosaurs who preyed on the Kayjeebeeops and who I’m still hoping to find.

It was that kind of day, tiring but exhilarating. My discovery of the Macronodon almost got lost in the shuffling, shifting dirt. Thank god for dirt sifters.

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

The Smoking Bone …

 

LarsonFarSide_DinosaursSurely this couldn’t be. It made me recall the classic Gary Larson Far Side cartoon included here. No, the dinosaurs didn’t smoke cigarettes, so how did I come across the smoking bone? Allow me to recap this landmark day, a turning point in the Trumpassic Period. I’ve of course had no time to continue work on the Obamacarus and Economonyx, two duty-bound Dryosauridae that remain stuck in the mud.

No, there were bigger Pholidophorus* to fry.  Like the forensic unit of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I always get my bone. And we have a whopper for today. Little T-Rump Jr. gave up a big one. In his “skeleton closet” or backbone, I found a rather long goldstona emailia —  a gold-like chain of linked little bones that when combined made a great tail.

Inside these bones, I found the rampant signs of osteocollusionitis, a rare dinosaur bone disorder only found in the Trumpassic Period. These findings were confirmed by my Russian ex-pat colleague, Fedya Fibsulov.

To what extent the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir is infected remains to be seen, but after discovering and having the privilege of naming 23 new dinosaur species, this major dig is finally coming together.

 * The Pholidophorus was a teleost fish from the Triassic and Jurassic periods.

Categories
Satire

Amazing New Drug for PSB …

Sitting there with nothing to do? Feeling like your imagination has left you?
You may be one of 143 million Americans who suffer from PSB. Plain Simple Boredom. Fortunately there is relief for your lackadaisical ways. Screwitol.

This new drug has been clinically proven in double blind tests on three blind mice. Screwitol was designed when, on a lark, the makers at Freemoney harmaceuticals mixed an intense anti-laxative with highly concentrated prune juice. The result is Screwitol — an internal smoldering volcano that will get you out of your chair within minutes. You may want to consult your physician or put your affairs in order due to the following side effects:

  • Upon taking your first horse pill of Screwitol, consider yourself screwed.
  • In most cases your boredom will initially increase before you suffer excruciating, mind-numbing, wish-you-were-dead pain … like giving birth and passing a kidney stone at the same time.
  • Blood will indeed come out of your eyes and ears.
  • Genetic defects from your ancestry will quickly return.
  • Do not take with food or water unless you want to projectile vomit.
  • You will wish you had a shattered knee cap instead.
  • Other symptoms include Black Plague-like lesions, goosebumps that giddily turn into warts in a rapid onset of leprosy that would give even Mother Teresa pause.
  • You will experience Buyer’s Remorse and want to give away all your money.
  • You will find yourself clipping coupons that expired 20 years ago.
  • You will believe you’re a zombie from Walking Dead.
  • You will go blind.
  • Your toes will curl up and fall off.
  • Your belly button will blast off, mortally wounding a friend or someone close.
  • You will consider self-immolation.
  • All your appendages will fall off one by one.
  • Your flatulence will be chemical weapon calibre.
  • Doctors recommend not blowing your nose. Your head will explode.
  • You will grow a Siamese twin.
  • Your tongue will no longer taste and your teeth will fall out.
  • You will enter a hypnotic state and not lawyer up whenever you hear the word Screwitol.
  • You will lose all sensory perception.
  • Your pets will no longer love you.
  • You will never sleep again.
  • You will never eat again.
  • You will never love again.
  • You will never do anything — worthwhile — again.
Fight back against PSB and end your boredom now with Screwitol. Your last week of life depends on it. Ask for it by name and say it loud. Prices will increase upon reading this.
(This is a satirical piece. Please like, follow, or comment. Do not send money.)
Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

GREED Links T-Rump & T-Rump Jr. …

It was another big day at the ol’ bone garden. I found five new, inexorably-linked bones. It took me all day to pull them apart. The first one was a very significant find. Hard to believe, but the Tyrumposaurus had a son. I have the honor of naming him T-Rump Jr. It was GREED that confirmed their close relation. Graduated Radiometric Extra-Epoch Dating, that is. Like his father, T-Rump Jr. was a bipedal carnivore with a massive skull balanced by a long, heavy tail. His two-clawed digits were able to get into all things DNC (Dirt Not Classified).

The four other bones were from a Kushneratops, a Manaforta, a Veselnitschemus and a Magnitskiactosaur.

The Kushneratops was a horned face herbivore originally from Maryland’s Middle River Double Bone Beds. He obviously covered a lot of real estate to arrive at this close, social position with the T-Rumps.

The Manaforta was a thick-nosed hadrosaurid from Nest Egg Mountain. He had a small, spiky crest in front of his eyes, mainly used in headbutting contests. The Manaforta was the first to feed their young while they were in the nest. It will be interesting to see if this nurturing communication kept them on the same page, er … nest.

The Veselnitschemus was a Kayjeebeeopsaean theropod from the well-preserved Siberian Salt Flats. To balance the gender of my report, I will refer to this attractive fossil as female. She was a lizard with swift hind legs, apparently capable of dumping dirt on the Crookadillary.

The Magnitskiactosaur was a three-ton, whistle-blowing penalcellpod imprisoned in Moscovian mud. Believe it or not — I call it dig-site destiny — but he appeared to be flipping his fifth finger at the other Kayjeebeeops.

How did all this find the light of day? My nagging hunch about the above was confirmed when I discovered the T-Rump Jr.’s SF86 bone had failed to form properly. It stuck out like a sore thumb in this Mesotheliomaean menagerie.

Categories
Interviews On Writing

“Full Moon” Interview at ItsWriteNow.com …

As part of a free eBook promotion for Full Moon this past weekend, I was interviewed by Ellen at ItsWriteNow.com … Here’s the link:

http://itswritenow.com/74487/author-interview-with-david-belisle-of-full-moon/

 

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

No Rest of Us with the Podestaphus …

Today’s latest dinosaur bone from this treasure trove is the Podestaphus. A cunning, swift-footed lizard, this compromised member of the Sub-Family Donkeycongrus is one of the earliest known dinosaurs to inhabit the eastern U.S. My trusty trowel trembling, I was excited to dig in. Four hours later, I finally managed to extract the sturdy tail bone of the Podestaphus which was meshed up against the T-Rump. It was a bit of a whack-job but I finally managed to get a grip on it.

Of course this is all dirty laundry for the Podestaphus. Why the T-Rump chose to lock horns with him from a good two glaciers away remains a mystery. Thankfully, remains are my job and I love a good mystery. I’m discovering that most of the T-Rump’s bones are off the cuff while much more discipline is required when working with the Putinodon’s hard-to-read position.

Finally, a bone from a low-lying Langleytips informs me there’s more evidence of a meddling Putinodon. The Langleytips was a ceratopsid dinosaur from the Super-Sleuthian Era. The deep throat bone points to undocumented encounters with the Putinodon, whose bones of course hold the truth. I’m getting this all down because, while the Langleytips can’t talk, it may be this bone that tells all.

 

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Babushkas and Bugs …

Hard to believe the Tyrumposaurus is so delightfully close to the Putinodon, practically kissing the dinosaur’s sclerotic ring. That would be the ring of bone found in the dinosaur’s stoic eye. There are so many bones to sort through today. I discovered two new species, the Russodiplomatus or Russodip, a stodgy sauropod from the Late-Curmudgeon age, and the Kasperskisaurus or Kasperski, another sauropod with a socket vertebrae network.

The fossil extraction ratio today has kept me on the edge of my milk crate. For every 35 Russodip bones I pulled from the pile, I found another 150 Kasperski bones … and plenty of bugs. It’s as if the dinosaurs were trading places, all under the watchful eye of the Putinodon. I’m not surprised. The Russodip and Kasperski are both Kaygeebeeops, Sub-Family to the Family Babushkus.

I’ve set aside some new bones for tomorrow. I hope they will keep.

 

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

No T-Rump Blast for Putinodon …

At times the bones beneath me read like a soap opera. The Putinodon was obviously meddling in the Milcanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump paid no mind to this however, determined instead to prey on the Obamarus, a lame, duck-billed dinosaur from Hawaii, not Kenya. In a symbolic and democratic move, the Obamarus was protecting the Donkeykongrus, ancestor to the donkey and African wild ass, hence the above confusion.

It may well be that the Obamarus, on behalf of the Donkeykongrus, was shielding the Crookadillary, a well-bred ankylosaurid dinosaur first found behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. A side note, ankylosaurid translates to “ankle biter.” The T-Rump had obviously had enough of that and upon narrowly defeating the Crookadillary, inexplicably did not engage with the Putinodon.

Why the T-Rump didn’t charge or at least bear its teeth — I’m still looking for those — at the Putinodon for its savage actions? It’s as if the T-Rump’s telling us, “Putinodon? Maybe, but nobody really knows for sure.” More bones to come. Bones that will tell the truth.

In closing today’s post, I wanted to note that, while these past 167 days have been a long, arduous, painstaking journey, my colleagues and I remain hopeful in finding the T-Rump whole.

 

Categories
Satire The Trump Dig

Audi-Merkellian Summit Heartburn? …

I must point out immediately my discovery that I’m not actually sitting on top of a Donaldosaurus. Late last night by the light of a Plasticine candle, I discovered my calculations were off. By 80 million years. What I assumed was a Donaldosaurus is actually a Tyrumpasaurus, or T-Rump for short. Note the shock of orange scalp in the above picture.

The T-Rump appears to have been suffering from something prior to his demise. Gee, 20 Hamburgus’ he devoured on the Audi-Merkellian Summit perhaps? The symptoms are certainly there.  First off, T-Rump can’t escape from NAFTA! It’s everywhere. (Nafta is the local spelling for naptha or crude oil.) Then there’s the gnawing marks of the Travelbanus, a wayward Triassic reptile and the Border-walrus. The two always seem to travel in pairs. The Border-walrus is ancestor to the walrus but was much taller, ten feet to be exact.

Then there’s climate change. Did the T-Rump already forgot about the Cretaceous-Hygiene mass extinction? Too many dinosaurs hemmed and hawed over that one. This all happened in front of the Mediacircustops, who were slow, plodding, muck-raking dinosaurs from the Late-Mesozoic Edward Murrow Formation. They simply wanted their freedom, but tell that to T-Rump.

Finally, the most telling of my Audi-Merkellian Summit prognosis, are the slashing, gashing, too-close-for comfort swipes of the Kimjongadon. I have the feeling this incorrigible crocodile is getting too big for this dig. Which reminds me, I may have to adjust the carbon dating for the Kimjongadon’s extinction. Hmm. Not sure which way T-Rump is leaning. Will know soon, once I sift more dirt.