Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

I Got Baghdadi …

“Squawk! Something very big just happened! Squawk!”

It was an evening Trollertweety squawk from the Tyrumposaurus that would keep Dino Nation up all night wondering and worrying what it was about. In this way the T-Rump kept dinosaurs across the land on alert, albeit one foot on the ledge, ready to leap off should his latest knee-jerk adventure turn apocalyptic in nature.

The following morning, the bleary-eyed Mediacircustops surrounded the T-Rump, who looked like he had eaten a Canarysaurus or two. The Mediacircustops had already discovered what the story was through their hoof-to-ground diligence. The Isisaurae leader, the Abu-Bakr-al-Baghdadi, a big bad dino who’d been terrorizing the Middle Eastlands for years, had been killed in a special operation by Milkanhoney Preservation dinos.

The T-Rump was twenty minutes late. He loved making dinos wait for him. He finally stepped up to the flat rock lectern.

“Before I say anything, I just want to thank the Russodinos. They were very helpful. Just great. Extremely great. Secondly, let’s remember that, just like all these crazy dino depositions that are going on, I do not need any help with a strategy. I am the team. I got rid of everybody. Stephanie, do you have something to add?”

The Stephaniegrisham dutifully stood up, smiled brightly and it was all downhill from there.

“I would just like to point out that I worked with the Johnkelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great leader. Just because he was a four-star general. I mean, c’mon, dinos.”

“Thank you, Stephanie,” said the T-Rump. “We all understand you do have to say something so you can keep your job. Now then. I was a little late today because I had breakfast with the Ericclapton. I threatened him, I mean, I asked him to write a song for me to celebrate this vicious, ruthless — but wonderful — occasion. I was thinking about having a parade too, but the Nancypelosi and the Adamchiff would probably have a heart attack. Anyway, the Ericclapton begged off, something about a slow hand, so I had the Stephenmillerus tackle it. Great writer. He does all my speeches. But I’m a better singer than him of course. I’m a better singer than all you Mediacircustops here.”

The T-Rump  coughed up some phlegm, effectively clearing his throat. He held up a hand for supreme quiet and began …

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

All around in this damn town

They’re trying to put me down

The Donkeykongrus says I am guilty

For the lack of all integrity

For the lack of integrity

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, and I’ll charge it as a capital expense

 

The Adamschiff always hated me;

For what I don’t know

Every time that I showed my greed 

He said, “That? That is a new low.”

He said, “That? Another new low.”

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

 

Great luck came my way one day

Impeachment had got me down

I told the Adamschiff to kiss my crown

The shifty Schiff did frown

So I taught, I taught this clown

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

This thug was a distraction, you see

He died like a dog. For me

My victory lap, every day we’ll hear

His whimpering, crying and screaming

Yes, whimpering, crying and screaming

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1005 & 1009

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-au667-c4d585

A musical treat! This week’s T-Rump Dig podcast includes: Day 1005 — Heartbreak Doral … The T-Rump must come to grips with losing the G-7-Showed-Up dino conference … and … Day 1009 — Who Let The Dogs Out? … The Mattgaetz and his marauders crash the dino deposition hearings.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Who Let the Dogs Out? …

The prim and proper Lauracooper squatted into her assigned spot and folded her short arms respectfully over her belly. The deputy dino assistant secretary of defense for the Moscovian Bluffs, the Ukraine Plain and Eur-asia-butwhatami waited patiently for her deposition to begin. She joined a long line of patriot dinos who had stepped forward from within the Dino Department of State to wax eloquent on the Tyrumposaurus’ alleged quid pro quo / bribery / extortion with the Zelensky of the Ukraine Plain to acquire dirt on the Joebiden.

The Marieyovanovitch, the Gordonsondland, the Georgekent and the Billtaylor had preceded the Lauracooper to tell woebegone tales that made the Donkeycongrus cringe in their disturbing nature. The Grandoldparty response? They avoided the Mediacircustops at all cost, afraid that a slip of tongue may anger the T-Rump.

But alas, the T-Rump was already angry. Desperate Day number 1009 called for Desperate Measure number 7,814. The day before he’d referred to any Grandoldparty dino that had questioned his actions, as ‘dino scum.’ It was a misnomer of sorts, as any dino who swam in the swampy, putrid Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir was already covered in scum. Scum atop scum upon scum layered with scum. There was simply no escaping it.

The Lauracooper of course had no idea what was about to happen. One moment she was squatting there waiting for her cue to begin her opening statement, her hands still respectfully clasp over her belly, when she heard it. An approaching sound. A commotion of sorts. There were shadows of dinos approaching not one, not two, but all three entrances to the secure dino chamber. The presiding chair dino, the Adamschiff, a master politico-dino prepared for anything, looked up from his post at the top rock lectern. For the past two weeks, he’d been ridiculed, harassed and practically censored by the Grandoldparty dinos. They were upset he’d paraphrased the hallowed words of the T-Rump in a somewhat mocking monologue. The Adamschiff’s eyes widened at the sight of the approaching opposition in the form of two dozen trespassing dinos. He raised his head and hollered … 

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

 

Well their party was nice, their party was somethin’

Now they think they can have it all

You hear’em say, “Start the name calling.”

And Nancy responds to the call

They need a smack on the snout

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

I see the dinos just want to stall

‘Cause they really want to skip town

Get back Mattgaetz, back Mobrooks

Get back you shameful, sinful Steveking

 

Gonna tell myself, “Markmeadows is angry.”

And listen to the Jimjordan whine

But they tell me, “Hey, we need to save the party!”

They don’t like the process, but what about the crime?

They be in trouble, no doubt.

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

See, the T-Rump is nothing if he don’t have a throne

The T-Rump holds his throne, the T-Rump holds it

The T-Rump is nothing if he don’t have a throne

The T-Rump holds his throne, the T-Rump holds it

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

 

I see the dinos just want to stall

‘Cause they really want to skip town

Get back Mattgaetz, back Mobrooks

Get back you shameful, sinful Steveking

 

Well, if I’m a dino, then they’re a pawn

I gotta make my move before impeachment’s gone

Do you see the truth comin’ from my eye?

Talking to his base,

The T-Rump’s breakin’ them down

 

Me and the dino courts

Just pick a crime, any crime will do

I’ll stick on them, what they say is bull

‘Cause it’s the law of the land

Remember, Williambarr?  “Ooh!”

 

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Who let the dogs out?

Woof, woof, woof, woof

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Heartbreak Doral …

The T-Rump eyes moved warily between the Mickmulvaney and the Mikepompeo. It was another week of walk-backs at the Oval Dwelling. The acting Dino Chief of Staff had spoken out of both sides of his mouth on the Ukraine Plain dilemma and the T-Rump then pulled out of hosting the Gee-7-Showed-Up at his Doral Gnats’n All multi-cave resort. There was also the continued hollowing out of the Dino Department of State under the Mikepompeo’s watch, who shook his head and sighed.

“I feel so frustrated.”

“You feel frustrated?!” snapped the T-Rump.

“I tell Mick here there was no quid pro quo. Didn’t I? I distinctly said no no quid pro quo. What did I say, Mick?”

“You said no no quid pro quo.”

“Exactly!”

“But that’s a double negative, meaning there was a quid pro quo. And I mean, we do it all the time.”

“Ahem, news flash. They’re not supposed to know about it.”

“But Giuliani–”

“Rudy’s Rudy. He’s crazy like a fox. He has so many shady deals going on, you gotta hand it to him. He’s really pulling his weight. Until he pulls me in of course. Then I’ll just say he’s working for the Putinodon. Meanwhile, he’s doing just great.”

The T-Rump frowned at the Mikepompeo. 

“Which is more than I can say for you. What are you doing for me? Today.”

The Mikepompeo stared at him, incredulous at the T-Rump for propping up the Rudygiuliani. Who’s he talking to? How can he believe that? Face it, I know way too much. When I was with the Langleyops, I didn’t know this much. He finally spoke.

“I’m not saying anything. Ahem. To protect you.”

“Well that’s just great. You stand in front of the Mediacircustops looking like some dopey mime.”

A snicker escaped the Mickmulvaney.

The T-Rump pointed a finger at him.

“They were laughing at you too. Which means they’re laughing at me. Get out of here. Both of you. Before I get in a hollowing-out mood. It’s never too late to hollow out, y’know.”

The two dinos hung their heads in shame as they exited, tails between their legs.

The T-Rump shook his head in despair. Heavy thoughts weighed on his mind. Dammit. This was not going well. He’d been so looking forward to hosting the dino world leaders at the Doral Gnats’n All.

He waddled from foot to foot, his short arms on his hips, rocking, gyrating. He felt his inner voice rising. He couldn’t hold it in. His soul raced to the surface.

 

Well, since Johnkelly left me

Well, my world went all to hell 

Well, I can’t have dino leaders meet

At Heartbreak Doral

Where I’d see, I’d see more money, baby

Where I’d see money

Now there’s no money, I could cry

 

Oh, I promised them zero profit

I said take fifty rooms

For wealthy Gee-Seven-ers

But now you see my gloom

I’ll get no, I’ll get no money, baby

I’ll get no money

I’ll get no money, I could cry

 

Now, my flip-flops just keep floppin’

And the media cracks back

Well, blame it on the Donkeykongrus

And their hostile attack

And I get no, I get no money, baby

I get no money

I get no money, I could cry

 

Well, now, if Mulvaney leaves me

And he’s got a tale to tell

Well, this is just how cheaters cheat

At Heartbreak Doral

I wish I’d see, I wish I’d see money, baby

I need the money

I need the money, I could cry

 

Oh, and although there are some bedbugs

You still can find some room

I’d have your moolah-moolah before your bug bites bloom

But there is no, there is no money, baby

There’s no money

Now there’s no money, I could cry

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 998 & 1002

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-jgszj-c3f125

Dinos rocking out. It’s another musical double-header! … First up: Day 998 — Thank You, On You We Depend … The Tyrumposaurus’ hangers-on pay tribute to their incredible time in power … and Day 1002 — Get Over It … The Mickmulvaney must think fast when he steps in front of the Mediacircustops and makes a Diplodocus of himself.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Get Over It …

“Hello, y’all out there in Dino Land,” the Mickmulvaney said, addressing a large throng of Mediacircustops, hungry for their latest fill of news gone mad in the wake of the Tyrumposaurus impeachment inquiry. The foundation of the Oval Dwelling showed new cracks on the hour. And those weren’t just from the T-Rump whacking his tail against the wall in frustration.

“How about that Nancypelosi meltdown the other day? Did you see that? The T-Rump calls her a third-grade politician and she storms out of the Oval Dwelling. What’s up with that? She can’t even take a joke. Pretty thin-skinned if you ask me. He’s called me much worse and I’m still here.”

“But I have great news to report. The Mincepencenow and the Mikepompeo have indeed sealed the deal with the Erdogan. The Kurdishian dinos have to leave their caves in the next five days. We gave the Erdogan everything he wanted. The Putinodon was one happy dino too. That was just gravy of course. Problem solved. The T-Rump saved the day. Again. Can you stand it?”

There was audible groaning from the Mediacircustops. 

“In other news,” the Mickmulvaney continued, “the Rickperry just resigned. That’s a week since the Mikepompeo’s number two dino resigned. A whole week. That’s a long time in this dino-eat-dino world, right? I wouldn’t read anything into it though. I’m sure they both left these plum positions so they could spend a couple more hours each day with their families munching mulberry bushes.”

“And don’t think the Oval Dwelling is worried about all these depositions the Department of Dino State dinos are giving. Nope. Not for a minute. The Marieyovanovitch, the Fionahill, the Michaelmckinley, the Gordonsondland … c’mon dinos, it’s just shop talk. There’s no there there. This impeachment inquiry is the real joke.”

The Jimacosta spoke up.

“Was there a quid pro quo between the T-Rump and the Zelensky?”

The Mickmulvaney stared him down.

“Quid pro quo? Of course there was.”

The collective jaws of the Mediacircustops hit the ground with a resounding thud. The Mickmulvaney slowly took in the befuddling scene before him. Had he said the wrong thing? At least he didn’t think so. Better to soldier on and of course, when in doubt … sing …

 

I turn around today and what do I see

A whole lotta dinos cryin’ “he’s guilty!”

They point their crooked little fingers at our mighty T-Rump

Spend all their time findin’ ways to make us jump

I just said this, I just said that

You’re not gonna win cuz we’re standin’ pat

 

Get over it

Get over it

All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit

Get over it, get over it

You say that our best dinos, they’re little more than trash

But you might just agree we change’em in a flash

The more I think about it, Moscowmitch was right

Let’s all drag our heels, the end’s in sight

You think I’m a jerk, you want to have a new king

But the fix is in, we’re gonna beat this thing

 

Get over it

Get over it

Have you ever seen a family that is so close-knit?

Get over it, get over it

 

It’s like the worst corruption every time I hear you speak

We’re breakin’ the law, what a winnin’ streak 

Some call it sick, we just turn our cheek

You drag your tails all around in vain

You follow every lane; you follow to Ukraine

You gave it all your best and still you wear a frown

We do it in the open, there’s no hidin’ in this town

The three amigos have committed no crime

I’d like to remind you that we do it all the time

 

Get over it

Get over it

All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit

Get over it, get over it

Get over it

Get over it

Poor Rudy’s goin’ broke, so why don’t you quit?

Get over it, get over it

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Thank You, On You We Depend …

This weekend, north of the Milkanhoney Preservation, came the collective roar of much celebrating by dinosaurs in Canadiana, home to the Backbaconsaurus. The ruckus reached the ears of the Tyrumposaurus, who turned to his latest sidekick-yet-to-be-kicked-out, the Mickmulvaney.

“Mick, what’s going on with our northern neighbours?”

“Why, it’s that time of year when Canadiana dinos from near and far come together to give thanks.”

“Really, I’d like you to get all the Grandoldparty dinos together so they can thank to me.”

“But we’re doing that in six weeks.”

“And we’re doing it now. Admit it, you can’t thank me enough.”

That was how dozens of Grandoldparty dinos came to gather before the T-Rump — six weeks early — to pay homage to him and celebrate all of his stunning accomplishments from the past year. 

This had of course once been the proud dino pack of the Abrahamlincoln but it had since thrown aside the rules of dino law and good government in favor of scaring the bejesus out of respectful dino folk. Absolutely nothing was sacred for the Tyrumposaurus as he continued his tenacious tenure as a strictly transactional tyrant. 

He’d be counting heads today and what have you done for me lately meant being here before him. And here they were. His all-star team of dino delinquents: the morose Moscowmitch, the clear as mud Kevinmccarthy, the jumpy Jimjordan, the mundane Markmeadows and dozens more Grandoldparty dinos who knew full well that calling out the T-Rump meant being culled from the herd.

That didn’t stop the one prevailing thought running through each of their scrawny noggins, which was how the Rudygiuliani and his Russo-ragamuffins, the Levparnas and the Igorfruman had been caught smearing the Marieyovanovitch in the T-Rump’s quest to get foreign dinos to help him win the next big battle. The truth was now coming out, entrapping powerful dinos like the Mikepompeo in a chain of corruption that led to the ringmaster himself. Impeachment was the white elephant squatting on all of them.

The T-Rump had wanted to build in an entertainment factor to this year’s giving of thanks, so he demanded they craft their message into a song. With extra harmony. He didn’t know what that meant. It was just his Big Word of the Day. This order for musical merriment was due in large part because no dinos liked singing at his battle campaign rallies. Indeed, many had demanded that he stop singing their songs or they would gladly roar obscenities in his ear.

The leader of the free running dino world smiled smugly, turned to his entourage, gave them the thumbs up and their tribute began …

 

Thank you, on you we depend

Traveled down a road and back again

Outsmart the few, we’ll grin and bear it, at every taunt

 

We’re not ashamed to say

We hope it always will stay this way

The jig is up, but you’re still here and we don’t know how

 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see, that most would flee but here we’d be

And puckering up to say

Thank you, on you we depend

Thank you, it’s fine you offend

Thank you, don’t let it all end

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

 

If you’re under attack

We’d surely, blindly protect your back 

Whatever you need, anytime of the day or night

We’re not ashamed to say

We hope it always will stay this way

The jig is up, but you’re still here and we don’t know how

 

And when the Turks get bolder

And kill all the Kurds in their way

Have no fear, you’ve been perfectly clear

We will stand by you and say

Thank you, on you we depend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end (We wanna spank you)

Let us not impeach! Amen! (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

 

And when we lose and slink away

Into the night, down Satan’s way

You’ll hear us call, as we descend

We’ll find you there, the devil’s friend

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear …

Mwa-a-a-h … mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah … mwa-a-a-h

 

Thank you, on you we depend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end

Dinos, we can’t impeach! Amen! (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, it’s fine you offend (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, don’t let it all end (We wanna thank you)

Thank you, we’ll kiss your rear end 

Woah, we can’t impeach! Amen! (Thank you right now, don’t leave with my friend)

We wanna tell you right now and we’ll tell you again

We wanna spank you, spank you, spank your flabby rear end.

Categories
Humor Political Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 991 & 995

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-tvm7h-c30a80

Today’s podcast is a musical double-feature! … Day 991 — “That’s Pompeo” finds the Mikepompeo wondering if he actually can go home again. Then, on Day 995 — “Tell-a-Phoney Friend,” the Tyrumposaurus desperately seeks the Moscowmitch in these impossible, impeachment times.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Tell-a-Phoney Line …

The Tyrumposaurus was on the warpath. Hunting for the Moscowmitch for the third time today. There was holy hell to pay. T-Rump world was crumbling around its maker. The Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir was being pulled apart. The Ukraine Plain scandal had all the symptoms of a constipated volcano. It just wouldn’t stop raining crap. Crap that stuck. This mountain of metaphors came with bad math as well. All but seven Donkeykongrus were now against him. Impeachment was chasing him down.

A few Grandoldparty dinos had even — horror of horrors — spoken out against him. Against him! Oh, they would rue the day. It was time to call upon the Moscowmitch and read him the Rabid Raptor Act. Something about having your hide picked clean. Unfortunately, the Moscowmitch didn’t like visiting the Oval Dwelling. Plus, he was pretty good at hiding. The T-Rump secretly wondered if it was his B.O. 

On a good day, the T-Rump could wrap his walnut around two thoughts at a time. Even he realized however that the hourly barrage of fresh questions from the Mediacircustops had him lashing out more than usual. The Oval Dwelling was shunning every Subpoenasaurus in sight. A second Whistleblower dino was now ready to sing. The Rudygiuliani had been linked to two shady dinos from the Ukraine Plain, causing dinos to ask why he was still the T-Rump’s legal dino. Why not, dammit. Chaos was cool. Then the Mikepompeo’s right hand dino up and left without a wave of the tail. What was the T-Rump’s private domain, his vast fiefdom, the Milkanhoney Preservation, coming to?

He reached the Moscowmitch’s cave and stuck his head in. He squinted into the darkness, momentarily nervous about something slimy crawling up his leg. He gulped and gathered the gumption he could from his gut.

Hello, how are you?

Have you been uptight through all those phoney

Crony, phoney crony courtroom fights.

That’s what you’ll say, you’ll tell them I am king

Moscowmitch, make them moan and groan … yeah, yeah, yeah

Hey, are you kneeling?

Are you still ashamed, remember the moolah we hid

We hid was ours to steal, what a scheme!

I need to believe you’ve persuaded them

Yes, you … yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh

Doo-wop, do-be-do-do-wop

Doo-wah-doo-lang

I don’t know them

Doo-wah-doo-lang

You look into my eye (Deripaska won’t see you through)

Because if you don’t (the little things you planned ain’t comin’ true)

Oh, one helluva fine, you could do time, my alibi’s airtight

Oh, what’s mine is all mine, give me more time; term limits, say goodnight

Okay, so no one’s answering

The Whistleblower list, getting longer

Longer, longer … oh, it just ain’t right 

Your primary is bright 

But I’ll need a favor though

Doo-wop, do-be-do-do-wop

Doo-wah-doo-lang

I don’t know them

Doo-wah-doo-lang

You look into my eye (Deripaska won’t see you through)

Because if you don’t (the little things you planned ain’t comin’ true)

Oh, one helluva fine, you could do time, my alibi’s airtight

Oh, what’s mine is all mine, give me more time; term limits, say goodnight

Oh, one helluva fine, you could do time, my alibi’s airtight

Oh, what’s mine is all mine, give me more time, term limits, say goodnight