Category: Political Satire

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Two Steps Behind …

“Dinos! We’ve got to get out in front of this!”

The Devilnunes waved his short arms in the air and glared down at his Grandoldparty brethren. Day one of the Tyrumposaurus impeachment hearings had not gone well. Oh, sure, the Erictyrumposaurus had labeled it a snooze fest and the Markmeadows had claimed to have hardly been able to keep his eyes open. But just maybe the Markmeadows was narcoleptic and after all, the afternoon was nap time for Eric.

“What are we going to do?” demanded the Devilnunes. He stared accusingly at the Jimjordan.

“Well, gee, Devil. I almost ran those two dinos over, I was talkin’ so fast. My tongue, my jaw, my whole face is sore today. Do you even remember what I said?”

“Something about six dinos having a four-way conversation.”

“I don’t even know how that’s possible. But it was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?”

“Except,” the Devilnunes pointed out. “The Billtaylor coughed up new, damning information. Apparently some dino staffer overheard the T-Rump ask the Gordonsondland about the investigations.”

The Chrisstewart jumped up from his haunches.

“Now, now. Let’s not panic. Maybe he was asking about investigations … into the weather?’

“Dinos don’t do weather, you idiot.” 

“Investigations into clean water lagoons?”

A stern glare from the Devilnunes.

“His moolah-moolah leaves?”

“You’re not helping.”

“Okay, okay. Sheesh. Don’t have a cow.”

“Don’t you EVER say that to me!”

The Devilnunes paused, taking a deep breath. He waited a minute for the veins protruding two inches from his neck to relax and submerge back under the skin.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I know the Defleppardsaurus …”

The very next day the Devilnunes squatted down beside the T-Rump at the leader’s Rajun-Cajun rally. T-Rump smiled smugly, taking in the healthy applause from his naturally rabid followers. He elbowed the Devilnunes.

“So, what’s this about some new fight song? It had better mention me.”

“Yes, yes. Of course. We need to tamp down this impeachment annoyance. You’re going to love this. I told the Defleppardsaurus we needed a song that methodically trashed the Donkeykongrus and told the world how truly great the Grandoldparty dinos really are. I’m sure it will get the crowd warmed up, riled up and ready to roar.”

The Devilnunes then remembered he hadn’t heard the song yet.

“I — I’m pretty sure anyway.”

The Defleppardsaurus appeared from the wings, gave a thumbs up sign to the T-Rump and took the flat rock stage.

 

Talk away, if you dare to

So you say, second hand too 

Well you had fun, the worst sham ever tried

Low-rent sequel that’s leakin’ out beside you

Rudy’s down another rabbit hole

T-Rump can’t take the fall

 

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

 

Take your time

We surely need it

Swampy slime, you know we just can’t fight it

To your Star Chamber, okay, we seem unkind

You’re the cult that’s burnin’ up inside me

Now Rudy’s down another rabbit hole 

T-Rump can’t take the fall

 

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

 

Oh, No! …

 

Rudy’s down another rabbit hole

T-Rump can’t take the fall

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

Horrific

Two steps behind

Pitiful

Two steps behind

………………………………………………………………………………..

Be sure and catch this Saturday’s The T-Rump Dig Podcast for musical renditions of Day 1026’s “Bloomberg” and today’s “Two Steps Behind.”

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Bloomberg …

The Michaelbloomberg raised his short arm at the gathering of Bamahama dinos.

“I’m here.”

All of a sudden you couldn’t throw a rock at a Donkeykongrus meeting without hitting a Billionairus dino. The Billionairus was a large herbivore known to devour and regurgitate huge amounts of leaves from the rare, hard-to-reach moolah-moolah tree. Sub-family to this species was the Tomsteyer, a dino dead set on the Tyrumposaurus’ impeachment for so long, wise dinos deemed it an epoch until itself. More than just putting his moolah-moolah where his mouth was, the Tomsteyer had taken the next step of entering the leadership race of Donkeykongrus hopefuls. His platform? Something about promising not to eat so many moolah-moolah leaves.

And now the Michaelbloomberg. Another Billionairus, the battle-scarred veteran was from the Manhattinhand region, the same neck of the woods as the T-Rump. The Michaelbloomberg was very familiar with the T-Rump’s shenanigans before the orange-skinned dino became ruler of the Milkanhoney Preservation. 

At first glance of the Michaelbloomberg, there were a few snorts of disdain from the other Donkeykongrus dinos who’d been thundering down the long-winded, long, winding campaign battle path leading to the Iowa Corn-cob-us just three months away. But Donkeykongrus dinos were a social, welcoming lot. They tended to share their moolah-moolah leaves, scarce as they were, no questions asked.

Except for the Supertramporus. This dino, Sub-family of the Donkeykongrus Superpackian species, was not going to take the entrance of the Michaelbloomberg squatting, mired in some mud puddle. No sirree. The Supertramporus rose from said mud puddle, ripples replete with consternation and contempt.

 

 

Bloomberg, you know you are a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said Bloomberg, you’re nothing but a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said “You’re late, by a day, a year or what it is!” 

You know, Bernie said those days have come and are through

Now there’s not a lot you can do

Bloomberg, your moolah-moolah, Bloomberg

So now you skip the first four contests, oh no!

Woo!

 

I said, “You’re late by a day, a year, or what it is!”

You know, when you came, you saw without much ado 

Now why should we listen to you?

 

You’ll find your dinos someday 

 

If I could just waltz in

You can call yourself the real McCoy

If I could beat the drum

Super Tuesday’s not some moderate ploy

Well, if I could just waltz in

Where’s your following?

Looks like you forgot something

Well, can your moolah bring joy to the world?

 

Take a stream out of swamp’s way 

Take this life, take it all away

Take a lie, take a schemer

Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, you are wrong!

 

Bloomberg, you know you are a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

I said Bloomberg, you’re nothing but a Bloomberg

Well, can you put your teeth in T-Rump, oh no!

Oh no!

 

…………………………………………………………………

Be sure to catch the musical version in this Saturday’s “The T-Rump Dig” podcast at Podbean.

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1019 & 1023

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-wdmvw-c6c9c7

Dance your Saturday T-Rump blues away with today’s podcast, a double-dose of dino rock. First up, Day 1019–Back in the Yang Gang … There’s a new Donkeykongrus dinosaur chomping at the bit, preparing for next year’s Iowa Corn-cob-us … and … Day 1023–I Just Called to Say I Lied to You … The Gordonsondland pays the troubled T-Rump a visit, only to bring more bad news. … Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

I Just Called to Say I Lied to You …

“It was the perfect visit! The perfect call!”

The T-Rump looked around the Oval Dwelling at his squatting sycophants. The Mincepencenow, the Mickmulvaney, the Stephenmillerus and the Stephaniegrisham, all wishing they could be anywhere but here, if only to escape the latest T-Rump temper tantrum. It reminded them of a dino tot bellowing because one Brontosaurus drumstick wasn’t enough. 

But the adult dinos in the room all had caves to keep and dinos to feed and after all, selling their souls had come so cheaply. All was good. The sun had continued rising each morning, ending things that went bump in the night. Even if there were the rumblings of nearby volcanoes. Or was that the hue and cry from the Donkeykongrus dinos and their insufferable impeachment inquiry?

“Excuse me.”

It was the Gordonsondland.

The Mickmulvaney gave him a panicked look and motioned him to shut up and squat. Immediately. Like now. The Mickmulvaney’s eyes pleaded with him. Never interrupt a T-Rump temper tantrum. It only gets worse. Better to let it play out like a bad belch because a wrong turn in the T-Rump’s walnut was a recipe for projectile vomit.

“Who are the Marieyovanovitch, the Billtaylor and this Alexandervindman!?” the T-Rump raged. “Who are these dinos!?”

The dinos in the room shuddered. Uh-oh. Was that a rhetorical question? Good gawd. Did the T-Rump even know what that was? As the leader of the Dino Nation’s inner circle considered fetal position submission, the Gordonsondland saw his chance.

“Excuse me, T-Rump?”

The T-Rump spun with a lash of the tail, barely missing the dino ambassador.

“Who are you?”

“I’m the Gordonsondland. You appointed me, remember? I gave you a million moolah-moolah leaves?”

“Oh, that’s right. And you did stick up for me during the impeachment inquiry, even though I told you not to go.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here.”

“To give me more moolah-moolah?”

“No, I needed to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know how to say this.”

“Then sing it.”

The T-Rump staffers collectively nodded that their boss was certifiable.

“Sing it?” asked the Gordonsondland.

The T-Rump nodded, challenging him. And so the dino ambassador did.

 

No quid pro quo to investigate

No salacious, media-biased headlines to explain away

No bribery

No extorting

In fact it’s just another Lev an’ Igor day

 

No T-Rump stain

No pending doom

No betting Pompeo pops like a cheap balloon

But what it is, is what I knew

Made up these four words that I must say to you

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a whopper from the start

 

No probing eye

No Rudy’s guy

No shadow foreign policy came to light

No arms to squeeze

No stalling thieves

Not even time for the Williambarr to indict

 

No corruption

No T-Rump link

No damaging revelations that one might think

But what it is, so bold, so blue

To chill your soul like no four words could ever do

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, and you?

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean it was a colossal brain fart

 

I just called to say I lied to you

I just called to say as much I dare, take two

I just called to say I lied to you

And I mean I was just trying to play my part, to be smart,

Bless your heart

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Back in the Yang Gang …

The Elizabethwarren strutted around the stage, waving her short arms in the air.

“Don’t worry, dinos, I have a plan for everything.”

“A plan?” exclaimed the Berniesanders. “I laid down the damn footprints!”

“Footprints on everything?” asked the Buddhajudge.

“Are you saying I have big feet?”

 “No, I didn’t mean …”

“Look, sonny. I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.”

It was still three months before the opening battle — the Iowa Corn-cob-us. This battle ground region would be crucial in determining which Donkeykongrus dino who would go up against the Tyrumposaurus in the November Battle Royale. If the T-Rump was still around of course. 

The dino candidates were in fine form. They’d been going at it for months, but even with the recent departure of the Betosaurus, there were still 14 dinos vying for top billing. 

Nine dinos had bowed out, failing to have become a cave dwelling name or stockpile enough of what every successful dino battle campaign desperately needed.  Moolah-moolah leaves. Lord knows dino staff loved their moolah-moolah.

“It looks like it’s just me and the Elizabethwarren,” the Buddhajudge said to a handy, idling Mediacircustops.

“Hey, what about me!” hollered the Joebiden.

“And me,” echoed the Berniesanders.

The Buddhajudge grinned. 

“How do you like my new health care? I was just checking your hearing.”

Off to the side the Andrewyang took it all in. The studious Mathasian dino had come from nowhere and was still in the hunt. His followers were young, gung-ho and socially active.

These were no pretenders. They believed they had a stake in the game. On the surface, they were Never T-Rumpers. Deep down however, they were more than that. One of them stepped forward, bounced up and down and launched into their latest mosh pit melody, their new theme song …

 

I was a dino for you

Your math made me feel so bright

But so many steadfast

Who can we turn to? 

Now we’re back in the fight

We’re back with a brain

Oh, back in the Yang Gang

 

An impeachment beyond our control

The droning T-Rump and his views of the world

Got in my head like a migraine from hell

Threw sand in our eyes and defended his lies

Put us back with a brain

Oh, back in the Yang Gang

 

I do like Bernie

Mayor Pete, I like him too

Beto felt the squeeze

Biden, Warren, not so new

But I’ll die as I squat here today

Knowing you’re so smarty-smart

Freedom Dividend, hey!

That just tops the chart.

 

I am a dino for you

These are the craziest days of my life

As Moscow Mitch slowly falls apart

And we watch the T-Rump finally depart

Now we’re back with a brain

Oh, back in the Yang Gang

 

…………………………………………..

You can hear the above musical version and other recent T-Rump Digs in this Saturday’s podcast at Podbean. 

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1012 & 1016

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-q6tka-c5bc2e

This week’s dinosaur classic rock includes: Day 1012 — I Got Baghdadi … The T-Rump crows about a terrorist dino taken down … and … Day 1016 — Teach Your Children … The charmed lives of the T-Rump Jr. and the Tyvankanatrix and exactly how they got that way. Enjoy. Sing along!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Teach Your Children …

The Tyrumposaurus Jr. looked out at his audience. He was a guest dino speaker at SCHMUCK. That is, Slickly Controlled Hidden Moolah Under Crony Kinship. The host, the Marklevin, sneered devilishly at him.

“Welcome.”

“Thanks for having me.”

“What would SCHMUCK be without you? I understand you have some new footprints in the sand.”

“Yes, I thought you’d never ask. I spent all day working on it. It’s called Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us Because They Spend Every Waking Hour Totally Upset That the T-Rump is in Power.”

“Wow. That’s a long title.”

“You should see the subtitle. “It’s Absolutely Ridiculous that Those–”

“Okay, enough about the book. I wanted to ask you about your thoughts on the Joebiden and the Hunterbiden and what Hunter especially was doing in the Ukraine Plain.”

“Oh, yeah. Hold me back. Let me tell you. I wish my name was the Hunterbiden. I could go abroad, make millions of moolah-moolah leaves off my father as the dino leader. I’d be a really rich dino. Really, really, really rich. It would be incredible.”

“Uh, pardon me, but you have made millions … and your father, uh … he is the dino leader.”

The T-Rump Jr. looked confused for an instant. He stared from one hand to the other. He nodded slowly, blinked and spoke.

“Ah. But my name’s not Hunterbiden.”

“You have me there. Ahem, T-Rump Jr., I was hoping to bring her out later, but I think right now is the perfect time. Your sister, the Tyvankanatrix.”

The T-Rump’s daughter half-glided, half-thudded out from the wings and squatted beside her brother and the Marklevin.

“It’s so good to see my brother at SCHMUCK. You know, it’s all he’s been talking about all week.”

“Yes, he’s one of the great ones. But tell me, Tyvanka, with your father facing this whole impeachment imbroglio, is there something you desperately need to get off your chest?”

“Why yes, now that you mention it. I just wanted to quote the great Thomasjefferson dino, who said, surrounded by enemies and spies catching and perverting every word that falls from my lips or stomps from my feet, and inventing where facts fail them.”

She jumped to her feet and hollered out at the crowd.

“Some things never change, dad!”

“Wow,” said the Marklevin. “What does that even mean?”

“It means, um … things stay the same?”

“No, no …”

But she was interrupted by a commotion in the audience.

“Is that my little girl?”

It was the T-Rump, making his way to the flat rock stage. He climbed atop it and embraced his daughter.

“You’re looking very, very beautiful today.”

“Thank you, daddy. Don and I were just here to help you fight off all those bad dinos like you told us to.”

The T-Rump patted her on the head and turned to the audience.

“They’re great kids. Just great. Best kids in the world. I taught’em everything they know. What? I did. That’s why they’re great. And you want to know why? Well, maybe I’ll tell you. Maybe I won’t. We’ll see. … Okay, I’m going to tell you. Hopefully it will take your minds off this whole impeachment thing. A total sham, by the way. You do want to raise your kids properly, right? I’m the best father and the song goes something like this …” 

I, with wealth borrowed

And still more owed

Can always get by

And so, be like myself

Because the past is just a long lie.

 

Teach your children well

I went through hell

I was the tough guy

I fed them on some schemes

The ones they pick, they know I’ll stand by

 

I don’t ever ask them, “Why?”

It is not like me to pry 

They just sucked some sucker dry

They owe it to you.

 

And I, in all my years

Can’t believe how fast

That impeachment went by

And so please help … vote my kids in

They need to win

And then I can die

 

Teach your children well

I went through hell

I was the tough guy

I fed them on some schemes

The ones they pick, they know I’ll stand by

 

I don’t ever ask them, “Why?”

It is not like me to pry 

They just sucked some sucker dry

They owe it to you.

 

…………………………………………………………………………

(You can hear the above this Saturday in my musical podcast at https://davidbelisle.podbean.com/)

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

I Got Baghdadi …

“Squawk! Something very big just happened! Squawk!”

It was an evening Trollertweety squawk from the Tyrumposaurus that would keep Dino Nation up all night wondering and worrying what it was about. In this way the T-Rump kept dinosaurs across the land on alert, albeit one foot on the ledge, ready to leap off should his latest knee-jerk adventure turn apocalyptic in nature.

The following morning, the bleary-eyed Mediacircustops surrounded the T-Rump, who looked like he had eaten a Canarysaurus or two. The Mediacircustops had already discovered what the story was through their hoof-to-ground diligence. The Isisaurae leader, the Abu-Bakr-al-Baghdadi, a big bad dino who’d been terrorizing the Middle Eastlands for years, had been killed in a special operation by Milkanhoney Preservation dinos.

The T-Rump was twenty minutes late. He loved making dinos wait for him. He finally stepped up to the flat rock lectern.

“Before I say anything, I just want to thank the Russodinos. They were very helpful. Just great. Extremely great. Secondly, let’s remember that, just like all these crazy dino depositions that are going on, I do not need any help with a strategy. I am the team. I got rid of everybody. Stephanie, do you have something to add?”

The Stephaniegrisham dutifully stood up, smiled brightly and it was all downhill from there.

“I would just like to point out that I worked with the Johnkelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great leader. Just because he was a four-star general. I mean, c’mon, dinos.”

“Thank you, Stephanie,” said the T-Rump. “We all understand you do have to say something so you can keep your job. Now then. I was a little late today because I had breakfast with the Ericclapton. I threatened him, I mean, I asked him to write a song for me to celebrate this vicious, ruthless — but wonderful — occasion. I was thinking about having a parade too, but the Nancypelosi and the Adamchiff would probably have a heart attack. Anyway, the Ericclapton begged off, something about a slow hand, so I had the Stephenmillerus tackle it. Great writer. He does all my speeches. But I’m a better singer than him of course. I’m a better singer than all you Mediacircustops here.”

The T-Rump  coughed up some phlegm, effectively clearing his throat. He held up a hand for supreme quiet and began …

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

All around in this damn town

They’re trying to put me down

The Donkeykongrus says I am guilty

For the lack of all integrity

For the lack of integrity

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, and I’ll charge it as a capital expense

 

The Adamschiff always hated me;

For what I don’t know

Every time that I showed my greed 

He said, “That? That is a new low.”

He said, “That? Another new low.”

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

I got Baghdadi, my stable genius is so immense

 

Great luck came my way one day

Impeachment had got me down

I told the Adamschiff to kiss my crown

The shifty Schiff did frown

So I taught, I taught this clown

I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

I got Baghdadi, and that will be my legacy

 

This thug was a distraction, you see

He died like a dog. For me

My victory lap, every day we’ll hear

His whimpering, crying and screaming

Yes, whimpering, crying and screaming

But I say:

 

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

I got Baghdadi, and now I have my legacy, oh yeah.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1005 & 1009

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-au667-c4d585

A musical treat! This week’s T-Rump Dig podcast includes: Day 1005 — Heartbreak Doral … The T-Rump must come to grips with losing the G-7-Showed-Up dino conference … and … Day 1009 — Who Let The Dogs Out? … The Mattgaetz and his marauders crash the dino deposition hearings.