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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Final Countdown …

A metaphorical meteor of monumental proportions hurtled out of control toward the Milkanhoney Preservation, home to millions of unsuspecting dinosaurs. That meteor was the resounding “No” vote cast by the Lamaralexander at the end of Day Nine of the Tyrumposaurus impeachment trial in the Sin Hut.

The vote on having dino witnesses loomed. If it failed, the vote to remove the T-Rump would quickly follow. Because that’s how the Moscow Mitch trudged. At stake, a stay-at-home dino’s place on the damn food chain. No one doubted the Moscow Mitch’s place atop said chain.

The Adamschiff had done his best to persuade the Sin Hut dinos that they needed to hear from dino witnesses for this to be a fair trial. Those in attendance would say the speeches he gave were the most powerful, moving words heard since the Obamarus. The Adamschiff’s passion, his eloquence and pin-point detail provided overwhelming evidence to the Ukraine Plain shake-down orchestrated by the T-Rump.

Yet it was the Patrickphilbin and the Jaysekulow, a pair of T-Rump legal dinos consistently couching their vapid, nonsensical responses in hypocrisy, lies and innuendo, thus providing woefully inadequate cover the groveling Grandoldparty Sin Hut dinos readily glommed upon like a pack of 50-ton Diplodocuses bringing home a dung beetle for supper. A swift closure to the shameful sham of a trial looked inevitable.

The Johnbolton never had a chance. He had first-hand knowledge of the incriminating information linking the battle campaign assistance the T-Rump offered to the Zelensky for damaging dirt on the Joebiden. But the Grandoldparty dinos did not want to hear from him. They would rather stare down at the ground, mumbling to themselves than stumble into the truth. Had the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir become the Moscovian Bluffs?

With the flip of the tail from the Lamaralexander, the vote on the presentation of evidence was now on the shakiest of ground. This may well be the last chance to right this wrong. To save truth, justice and the dinosaur dream. Oh sure, the Mittromney and the Susancollins would come through. But what about the Lisamurkowski? The Lisamurkowski. The word ricocheted off the walls of the brains of millions of dinos laying awake in their caves staring helplessly at their dripping ceilings.

This was the first impeachment trial in 15 previous occasions where no evidence, not one dino toe-nail had been presented. It would set an unthinkable dino precedent. The four dozen-or-so Grandoldparty dinos seemed ready to gamble their legacies that not having witnesses in a trial was a good thing if that meant keeping the T-Rump in power. They would live to fight another day. The question was, what would this new dino world look like?

Would it be a world where the T-Rump did as he pleased because he only had to — as the Alandershowitz had argued — tell the Dino Nation that whatever nefarious deed the T-Rump was plotting, he was just seeking to remain their leader and, after all, that was obviously in their best interest. Because he said so.

Once the dinos laying awake with their dripping ceilings managed to shake the Lisamurkowski from their minds, they only found themselves in more shock. Where was rhyme, reason and logic? How had so many Sin Hut dinos come down with an acute case of Cracked Walnuts? Dino society was cracking alright. Morals. Scruples. Ethics. These were words the hardiest of dinos had finally grasped, only to see them now on the verge of  disappearing from the dino’s limited lexicon, given this unfathomable turn of events.

Doomed. Doomed dinos they were. Was this it? Was the fat lady dino singing already? If you listened closely, it sure sounded like it.

 

We’re crying together

T-Rump is not well

And the Sin Hut is stacked

To take us to hell

 

There are so many to blame

Cray-cray profound

Will things ever be the same again?

 

It’s the final countdown

The final countdown

 

He’s the stable genius

A public cabal

No witness has seen us

They’re hiding them all

Our subpoenas have years to go

With more sand to pound

Liberty, we’ll all miss her so

 

It’s the final countdown

The final countdown

The final countdown

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Hold On, Nancy …

The crotchety old dino, the Moscowmitch, a.k.a. the Kentucky Gobbler, waggled a claw at the scrum of Mediacircustops.

“Haggle, haggle, haggle. There will be no haggling. No haggling, do you hear me? I will simply not allow it. Haggle, haggle, haggle. It’s a bad, bad word for negotiating and you all know how I hate to negotiate. Do you think I’m here to make a deal with the Nancypelosi? Of course not! Do you think I’m crazy? Don’t answer that. So, no haggle, haggle, haggle. I’m sick of it. Haggle, haggle, haggle. Somebody please hit me. Don’t make me say that word again.”

The Mediacircustops snickered. The Kentucky Gobbler was a natural. But their chuckles turned serious as the Grandoldparty mouthpiece, the Dougcollins appeared behind him.

“Excuse me, Moscowmitch, I just have to let any and all Mediacircustops in on my latest walnut brain flash — that the Donkeykongrus demanding to know why the Tyrumposaurus had the Soleimani done away with can only mean — ipso facto — that they love terrorist dinos. Huh? Am I right or am I right? C’mon, work with me on this. Can you see it? I mean, isn’t it obvious? When they say the Soleimani was a bad dino, well, that’s just Bigfatty-Piglatin dino-speak for, ‘he’s better than a Goldstar family dino.’ I’m not way out on a limb with this, am I?”

“Okay, Doug,” said the Moscowmitch. “I’m not going to say you’re out of your tree, but this is my limb.” He moved back in front of his Grandoldparty colleague, who nodded nervously to the Mediacircustops.

“I’ll be leaving now — but stay tuned for my next outrageous claim.”

“Now then,” continued the Moscowmitch. “We have the dinos, all the dinos we need to begin the impeachment trial in the Sin Hut. We don’t need the Donkeykongrus. It’s as clear as my long, impeccable career. Whatever they say, my response will be that we are never going to do that. Haggle, haggle, haggle.”

It slipped out like an embarrassing long burp. He covered his mouth with his hand. His eyes widened as he saw an approaching dino.

“Chuckschumer? What are you doing here?”

“I bring a message from the dinos, for the dinos … all across the great Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“Oh, no. Not another song. The songs — the songs … say it ain’t so.”

“Oh, but it is. Hit it, boys.”

And a trio of sharp-tailed dinos behind the Chuckschumer laid down a nifty backbeat riff of 38 special beats. 

 

You see it all around you

The T-Rump gone mad

And usually you’d wait but then too

He’s Putin’s comrade

 

And I find we have two articles left

There’s more to come, so help me

 

Just hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep control

 

You’re the lady we believe in

You leave Moscow Mitch seethin’

 

He’s so damn sleazy

And so far outta touch

He’s there to deter

To obstruct so much

 

And I find we have two articles left

There’s more to come, so help me

 

Just hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep control

 

You’re the lady we believe in

Only you can keep the truth breathin’

 

Don’t let it slip away

Fundamental rule

Don’t let their lies get in the way

Yeah, yeah, yeah

 

You see it all around you

The T-Rump gone mad

And usually you’d wait but then too

It’s really that bad

 

Just hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep control

 

You’re the lady we believe in

To stop Moscow Mitch from thievin’

 

So hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep

You’re gonna keep control

 

So hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep control

 

Hold on, Nancy

And don’t let go

If you sing them nightly

You’re gonna keep control

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Two Steps Behind …

“Dinos! We’ve got to get out in front of this!”

The Devilnunes waved his short arms in the air and glared down at his Grandoldparty brethren. Day one of the Tyrumposaurus impeachment hearings had not gone well. Oh, sure, the Erictyrumposaurus had labeled it a snooze fest and the Markmeadows had claimed to have hardly been able to keep his eyes open. But just maybe the Markmeadows was narcoleptic and after all, the afternoon was nap time for Eric.

“What are we going to do?” demanded the Devilnunes. He stared accusingly at the Jimjordan.

“Well, gee, Devil. I almost ran those two dinos over, I was talkin’ so fast. My tongue, my jaw, my whole face is sore today. Do you even remember what I said?”

“Something about six dinos having a four-way conversation.”

“I don’t even know how that’s possible. But it was pretty awesome, wasn’t it?”

“Except,” the Devilnunes pointed out. “The Billtaylor coughed up new, damning information. Apparently some dino staffer overheard the T-Rump ask the Gordonsondland about the investigations.”

The Chrisstewart jumped up from his haunches.

“Now, now. Let’s not panic. Maybe he was asking about investigations … into the weather?’

“Dinos don’t do weather, you idiot.” 

“Investigations into clean water lagoons?”

A stern glare from the Devilnunes.

“His moolah-moolah leaves?”

“You’re not helping.”

“Okay, okay. Sheesh. Don’t have a cow.”

“Don’t you EVER say that to me!”

The Devilnunes paused, taking a deep breath. He waited a minute for the veins protruding two inches from his neck to relax and submerge back under the skin.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I know the Defleppardsaurus …”

The very next day the Devilnunes squatted down beside the T-Rump at the leader’s Rajun-Cajun rally. T-Rump smiled smugly, taking in the healthy applause from his naturally rabid followers. He elbowed the Devilnunes.

“So, what’s this about some new fight song? It had better mention me.”

“Yes, yes. Of course. We need to tamp down this impeachment annoyance. You’re going to love this. I told the Defleppardsaurus we needed a song that methodically trashed the Donkeykongrus and told the world how truly great the Grandoldparty dinos really are. I’m sure it will get the crowd warmed up, riled up and ready to roar.”

The Devilnunes then remembered he hadn’t heard the song yet.

“I — I’m pretty sure anyway.”

The Defleppardsaurus appeared from the wings, gave a thumbs up sign to the T-Rump and took the flat rock stage.

 

Talk away, if you dare to

So you say, second hand too 

Well you had fun, the worst sham ever tried

Low-rent sequel that’s leakin’ out beside you

Rudy’s down another rabbit hole

T-Rump can’t take the fall

 

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

 

Take your time

We surely need it

Swampy slime, you know we just can’t fight it

To your Star Chamber, okay, we seem unkind

You’re the cult that’s burnin’ up inside me

Now Rudy’s down another rabbit hole 

T-Rump can’t take the fall

 

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

 

Oh, No! …

 

Rudy’s down another rabbit hole

T-Rump can’t take the fall

Whatever you do

We’ll be two steps behind you

It’s not that we’re slow

And we’ll storm the room to find you

Cuz a conspiracy theory is a precious crime

What’s goin’ down? … We’ll be two steps behind

Horrific

Two steps behind

Pitiful

Two steps behind

………………………………………………………………………………..

Be sure and catch this Saturday’s The T-Rump Dig Podcast for musical renditions of Day 1026’s “Bloomberg” and today’s “Two Steps Behind.”