Category: Humor

The Levparnas was in dino jail. The Solitary Sinkhole, where bad dinos whiled away the time wondering where exactly they should leave their fossil footprint in the floor. Left side? Right side? In profile, what was their best side?

But all was not lost. The Levparnas had a good legal dino. Nay, a great legal dino. One that was savvy enough to perhaps get even this low-level shenanigan shyster out of the clink. Apparently Lev’s lawyer, the Josephbondy, had caught wind of a conversation the Devilnunes had had with a shady prosecutor in the Ukraine Plain the year previous about — guess who? — the Joebiden. Dinos everywhere were aghast. N-o-o-o-o. Say it ain’t so. Not the Devilnunes!

Which is why the Donkeykongrus Intelligence Committee convened a first-thing-Monday-morning emergency meeting to discuss this latest-breaking bombshell. 

The dino chair the Adamschiff whacked his tail against the flat rock ledge and the meeting came to order. The dino chair gazed around the cave.

“I hereby recognize the Josephbondy, the legal dino for the Levparnas.”

“I object!” said the Devilnunes.

“Why am I not surprised? The ranking dino is not recognized.”

“You know who I am!”

“That’s not what I meant. Please refer to your committee clause six-sixty. That’s six-six-zero.”

“Oh. Here we go again with the two plus two. How dumb do you think we are?”

“Funny you should ask. I think we’ll just let the legal dino before us tell his story.”

The Josephbondy blinked twice and licked his lips. He raised his short arm to the Adamschiff.

“Yes, what is it?”

“I was just wondering. Could you, um … before I speak, could you get the dinos in the audience to hum in the key of C-major?”

“Excuse me? Did you say C-major?”

“Yes, it will provide the atmosphere, the, um … backdrop I’m looking for during my presentation.”

“It’s a trick!” hollered the Devilnunes. “No humming, dammit!”

The Adamschiff ignored the ranking member, instead nodding to the dino audience and their humming began. 

His glare is hollow bold 

His deflections unwise

His digging dirt now told

We got Devilnunes lies

He’ll turn the music on you

The hypocrite’s device

He’s sick as a mad cow

We got Devilnunes lies

And he’ll seize you, he’ll displease you

All the better just to sleaze you

He’s atrocious, and he knows just what it

Takes to make T-Rump gush

All the legal dino’s can now rise, we got Devilnunes lies

He sometimes likes to roam

To T-Rump at midnight

At the mouth, he may foam

We got Devilnunes lies

He’ll break a promise to you

They got caught, he denies

Shame a patriot too

We got Devilnunes lies

It just shows you, when he throws you 

Off the trail with the bums he goes to

He’s atrocious and he knows just what it

Takes to make T-Rump gush

Now we know that he’s a spy, we got Devilnunes lies

And he’ll seize you, he’ll displease you

All the better just to sleaze you

He’s atrocious and he knows just what it 

Takes to make T-Rump gush

Now we know that he’s a spy, we got Devilnunes lies

He’ll seize you

He’ll displease you

Just to sleaze you

We got Devilnunes lies

It just shows you

When he throws you

He hosed you, we got Devilnunes lies

……………………………………………………………….

You can catch the above musical version in this Saturday’s podcast at Podbean.

The Nancypelosi smiled fitfully in her sleep, eyes rolling behind eyelids.

She was dreaming and in her dream she found herself in her favorite place, prancing up a hill in the Salzburg-Alpine Meadowlands. She said a silent prayer, thankful for how surprisingly nimble her joints were today. A cool breeze washed over her as she spun around, taking in the vast countryside, a continent of dandelions dwarfed by the scenic, snow-capped Hossenfeffer Mountains. Her heart soared just as high at the joy enveloping her, a happy parade that not even the Jimjordan or that uppity dino tart, the Elisestefanick, could rain upon.

Yes, the Nancypelosi knew she deserved this break from the cantankerous Grandoldparty dinos — walnut brains that on a good day couldn’t uncross their eyes. But now, with the impeachment hearings seemingly complete, the Devilnunes and company were still willing to dive head first into Kookoo-for-Cocopuffs Chasm in their defense of the Tyrumposaurus’ bribery of the leader of the Ukraine Plain for dirt on the Joebiden. Even after the Fionahill, a dino expert in all matters ripe with Russodino poop, had testified that the Ukraine Plain meddling in the T-Rump’s victory was a woefully false narrative, incredibly, the Grandoldparty still lined up lock-step with the Putinodon’s platform.

But there had been a break. A big, monumental break. The kind of break that made a dreaming dinosaur believe there was truth, justice and a backbone somewhere within the Grandoldparty. 

And with that sensational thought bursting to the surface, the Nancypelosi crested that Salzburg-Alpine hill, practically scampering, spinning with her short arms outstretched, fresh dandelions tangled between her not-so-fresh toes, the Hossenfeffers high over her shoulders and a song leaping from her lips …

The Hill is alive with the Sondland singing

In the hand he played as a millionaire

The Hill fills my heart with the Sondland singing

Everyone’s in the loop, no surprise there

My heart is a twitter with all these jailbirds

That shook down the poor Zelensky

Directions came from T-Rump, with the cry  

Go! Go talk to Rudy!

Who laughs like a crook when he slips and his cover’s

Blown everyday

To fight the good fight; Mulvaney, Pompeo, Pence put away

I go to the Hill when I sense a phony

The Oval Dwelling is filled to the core 

T-Rump is now cursed with the Sondland singing

Kick him out the door!

“Are you sure you want to say that?”

The Devilnunes glared at the Gordonsondland who was sweating profusely. 

The dino ambassador wiped his dripping brow. This may have merely been a dress rehearsal, a mock impeachment hearing the Grandoldparty dinos had put together in the subterranean chamber below the one where the Donkeykongrus had held their deposition proceedings. But having a conversation with the Devilnunes on a good day was a daunting task.

“I’m sorry, Devil, I’m just saying I already changed my story once. You want me to change it again?”

“Woah. Stop right there. I never said that. I’m just saying you need to be very careful with what you say. You don’t want to incriminate you know who.”

“But I was there when he shouted into my ear and three other dinos heard that all he cared about was the Joebiden and he didn’t give a platypus poop about the Ukraine Plain.”

“Way too much info,” said the Jimjordan. “I’m getting a headache just listening to you. The average dino at home doesn’t want to know anything about the Muellersavus probe.”

“Uh, this isn’t about the Muellersavus probe.”

The Jimjordan snickered.

“C’mon. Don’t start that one. Don’t go there, Gordie. It’s been well documented by every long-tailed conservative dino in the land that everything — and I mean everything — stems from the bogus Muellersavus probe. Facts, facts and more facts. All the facts. Right there.”

“Thanks, Jim,” said the Devilnunes, who turned to the Gordonsondland. “Look, we can’t have any more … ahem, loose testimony. Where do you squat on this? You’ve got to let us know here and now ..”

“Here and now!” snapped the Jimjordan.

“Shut up, Jim. I’ve got this. Don’t you have another skin to shed? Ahem. What’s it going to be, Gordon? Are you with us or not? Are you playing with that idea of the sickly truth or are you willing, like our martyr-like muckrakers — the Papadopoulus, the Manaforta, the Flynnhasbeen, the Rogerstone — to take one for the team and spend a piece in the Solitary Sinkhole, waiting for a pardon from the T-Rump? You can do it, Gordo. You know the T-Rump will go bonkers if you shed any more light on this … this … big stuff.”

Another dino entered the cave. It was the T-Rump.

Hi, there! 

I’m on my way I’m faking it 

I’ve got to make more dough yeah

So much larger than life

Cuz that’s all I care about

The Zelensky comes from the weak Ukraine

They are so weak, they’re for the birds

And so me, I can jump on that

I worked it out

He’ll be stretching his mouth to love my ass, and there’s no doubt

Anything or he’s shut-out

Not one but two, investigations

I’ll be a big noise with all the big boys, so much stuff I will own

And I will stay as the big dog, as you kneel to my big perch

Big stuff, I’m on my way I’m faking it, big stuff

Big stuff, I’ve got to make more dough yeah, big stuff

Big stuff, so much larger than life

Big stuff, cuz that’s all I care about, big stuff

My rallies have all the big names and I fleece them with the widest smile

Tell them how my life is one big impeachment

And always they say yes when I tell them to hold the assistance

I have it made in the mountain shade with my loud voice ringing in my big fat head

And my long reign will be the longest reign, I’ll just say the Bidens once more

Big stuff, I’m on my way I’m faking it, big stuff

Big stuff, I’ve got to make more dough yeah, big stuff

Big stuff, so much larger than life

Big stuff, cuz that’s all I care about, big Stuff

Big stuff, my star is getting bigger, big stuff, my cave is getting bigger

Big stuff, my lies are getting bigger, Big stuff

And my mouth

Big stuff, my crowd’s are getting bigger

Big stuff, I am paramount

Big stuff, my emergency grants

Big stuff, and the bulge in my big big big big big big big big big big big big big big stuff 

Hi there!