Category: Donald Trump

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

Still the One …

“Daddy, listen to me.”

“Ahem.” The Tyvankanatrix glanced sideways at the Kushneratops, then back to her father.

“I mean us, listen to us. This has gone on long enough. It’s been ten days since you … how can I say this gracefully? You – you had 72 million dinosaurs line up behind you. You did wonderful. I’m so proud of you, daddy. But it just wasn’t quite enough. It’s obviously all those dinos’ fault that you … that you didn’t emerge victorious.”

“Are you trying to tell me I lost?” He fairly spat the word out.

“Oh, no, daddy. It was the 72 million dinos who lost. They’re going to lose a great, world-renowned leader.”

“Damn those dinos,” the Kushneratops sneered. “Those small, ungrateful, spineless tail-waggers who couldn’t drag nine neighbors to the polls like they were supposed to.”

“Don’t you two worry,” the T-Rump growled. “This isn’t over yet.”

“What are you going to do, daddy?”

“Fire them all! Every last one of them. Esper. Gone. Wray, Haspell, they’ll never know what hit them. I’ll get dinos in there so that when I say jump, they’ll be doing high dives into the lagoon.”

“Then what?” asked his son-in-law.

“What do you mean, then what? I’ll leverage my position to make maximum moolah-moolah leaves like I’ve been doing since day one.”

“Daddy, sorry to interrupt, but another 150,000 dinos got sick with Covid yesterday.”

“Yes, but did you see how bad the Foxsquawkbox dinos are now? They’re the sick ones. They are nothing without me. Nothing. Tell me again how I can be Dino Nation’s leader in four years.”

The Tyvanka and the Kushneratops looked at each other. They’d had The Talk, the one where they debated who was going to have to tell T-Rump he was going straight to the Solitary Sinkhole when he moved out of the Oval Dwelling. They hadn’t come to a final decision as yet, their most promising solution being pawning the task off on Eric. 

“Daddy, I know that Don Jr. and Eric are running around dino world making all kinds of claims about the Donkeykongrus stealing the election, but the longer this goes on, well … it’s going to make Jared and me look bad.”

The T-Rump frowned.

“And this affects me how?”

Before the Tyvanka could respond however, an exasperated Markmeadows burst into the room.

“They just projected Zona Canyon.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” The T-Rump pumped a short arm into the sky.

The Kushneratops raised his own short arm to correct him but it was no use as the T-Rump launched into song.

I’ve been your leader since way back when

Someday they’ll admit to my election win

I’m not ready to go

Let me make this clear

I’m still the one

I’m not going anywhere 

I’m still the one

Who only sees red

Still the one

Til I drop dead

I’m still on the run

And I’m still the one

I looked at this race every day

Until that stupid plague seemed far, far away

My lawyers explained

What I wanted to know

They were short and curt

They said take it slow

I’m still the one

Who likes riffraff

Still the one

Four chiefs of staff

I’m still the long con 

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

Knows right from wrong

Still the one

Telling Biden, so long!

They’re still counting, hon

And I’m still the one

Changing, their shove is getting old

Even though some aren’t told, it’s my coup 

I’m still the one

Who is so in dutch 

Still the one

You can’t send too much

I’m still staring at the sun

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

With the bait an’ switch

Still the one

Saying “voting glitch!”

I’m still banking none

And I’m still the one

I AM still the one

With all the clout

Still the one

They all talk about

I’m still not quite done

And I’m still the one

I’m still the one

Yeah, still the one

I’m still saying I won

And I’m still the one

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

If You Concede Right Now …

The Kushneratops paced the Oval Dwelling in front of his father-in-law.

“I know the staff have you out flogging on the back forty so you can calm your nerves, but two days in a row, and you are no closer to accepting the inevitable.”

“What? That my backswing isn’t what it used to be?”

“No, you lost the election, T-Rump. Yesterday. By tens of thousands of votes. Everywhere. It’s not even close.”

“They stole it. Like they stole everything. They’re thieves, they are.”

“We have no proof. We’ve been to court ten times. They’re beginning to get a bit P-O’d at the sight of us. You can’t stonewall an election, T-Rump. Dino Nation won’t stand for it.”

“Oh, they’ll be standing alright. I’m going to do what I do best.”

“What? Bait and switch?”

“No. Rallies. I’m going to tour the countryside and tell all the dinos how I was robbed and that thousands and thousands of votes were fake. Fraudulent!”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Who cares? They get to see me. They love me. They need me to keep this whole populist-conservative-carnival facade alive.”

“Are you trying to launch a revolution?”

“What have I got to lose?”

“Well, for one thing, we’ve had 120,000 or more Covid cases for the past three days in a row.”

“That’s all Biden’s fault. He was too busy counting his 75 million fake votes.”

“There you go again. You’re acting like Biden is the leader of Dino Nation when you want him to be … and refusing him that title when dinos across the land have spoken. T-Rump, I hate to say it, but you’re really beginning to make the Grandoldparty dinos look bad.”

“Hah! They’re nothing without me.”

“Except in two months you’ll be nothing too. They won’t have to listen to you any more.”

“Two months? A lot could change by then. I could fall in and out of love with the Kimjongadon. And I can certainly agitate the masses. Just watch me.”

“I’m getting a little worried about you. I’m calling …”

“No!”

“The Tymelania.”

Sure enough, his wife was in the Oval Dwelling twenty minutes later. The T-Rump sulked in the corner. He hated these conversations. That look she gave him always said the same thing. I know exactly how many times you’ve cheated on me. 

“Nice to see you, dear,” he said, lying through his teeth.

She stared at him quietly but sternly. Yes, it was the Quietly Stern stare. Her secret weapon. He blinked and fired back.

“No, I’m not giving up. Biden can bite my butt.”

She said nothing. But she sang plenty.

If you concede right now, you can ask Putin to help you flee 

Oh, Donald, it’s time to go

And if you concede right now, I won’t have to do f**king Christmas tree

Oh, yes

Donald, time to go

Oh, Donald

They don’t want you to stay

A lead like yours, Biden was so behind

How could you let it slip away?

No widespread fraud, no more votes to find

I knew it would always end this way

When tomorrow comes and you don’t quit yet

Give me a f**king break!

A pre-nup like ours, do you think I am blind?

Look at me, I am counting the days

To come this far, I am losing my mind

In two months, they’ll put you away

When tomorrow comes, you just have more debt

Give me a f**king break!

If you concede right now, you’ll soon be seeing the last of me

Oh, yes

Donald, you must go

Oh, Donald

I don’t want to be by your side

Oh, no

Donald, please, just go

Oh, Donald

I just got to get f**king out of here!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Bye Bye Crud …

“They’re killing me. They’re absolutely killing me!”

It was three days since the November battle had begun. Nerves were wearing thin. The T-Rump’s were shot about five minutes after the polls closed Tuesday.  Now, Friday morning, his huge leads of 700,000 votes in Pennsylvaneus and 380,000 in Georgia Orchard had slowly, agonizingly dwindled down to … practically nothing. He was  leading in Pennsylvaneus by a mere 18,000 and by just 600 in Georgia Orchard. The loss of every single vote felt like aggravated grand larceny. Surely it didn’t reflect upon his performance over the past three years and ten months.

It was well known by dinos across the land that it was the T-Rump’s own fault his vote count had plummeted. He’d told the dino world that the dino mail system was nothing more than a Donkeykongrus black hole of chicanery and fraud that had become this travesty overnight. His dino cult blindly believed him and had patiently waited to cast their vote on election day. There, they rubbed shoulders and slobbered on other dinos if only to catch the full effect of the worsening Coronavirus, now referred to as the plague by the T-Rump. And not in a joking manner. Such comforting words from the dino leader. So the day-of-election votes were counted first, the mail-in ballots counted last and the T-Rump now needed an excuse to escape being a — horror of horrors — loser. They must be cheating. That’s it. 

“Tell them to stop counting in Pennsylvaneus and Georgia Orchard!”

“But,” the Markmeadows interjected, “if we do that, they’ll have to stop counting in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno. We’re, ahem … trailing there.”

“So keep counting in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno. Keep counting!” He paused. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

The Jaysekulow raised a short arm.

“I’m afraid … it appears we have no evidence.”

“What did I say about bothering me with details? Find some!”

The T-Rump Jr. stepped forward.

“Dad, the Joebiden came out and spoke to the Mediacircustops again. You need to get your voice out there.”

Every other yes-dino in the cave waved their short arms in an emphatic gesture that that would be a most horrible idea. The T-Rump ignored them.

“That’s right. Of course I do. Set it up. 30 minutes. I’ll show ’em who’s boss.”

Half an hour later, the Mediacircustops gathered before a hastily built flat rock lectern. An agitated T-Rump stepped behind it.

“You’ll notice that I’ve won a lot of dino regions, a whole lot of them in the most impressive display the dino world has ever seen. Unfortunately we have several regions, the only ones I’m, um … behind in, they’re counting ballots that have apparently dropped from the sky. Very dangerous. That could lead to violence. These are fraudulent and I will be having the Williambarr investigate every last one of them.”

As he spoke, the Johnking joined the Mediacircustops. He leaned into one dino to whisper something in his ear. That dino whispered to another and before a minute had passed, every dino except the T-Rump had heard the news. The T-Rump railed on.

“And I will not stand for this blatantly corrupt behaviour directed at me, a regular dino representing the all-important blue-collar dino … which I think I’m referring to here for the all-important first time. Because I typically don’t hang out with that crowd.”

The Mediacircustops rose en masse and turned to leave.

“Wait a minute. Where are you all going?”

“More results have come in,” said the nearest Mediacircustops. “You’re now behind in Pennsylvaneus by 9,000 and 1,500 in Georgia Orchard.”

“And you’re losing in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno,” added the Andersoncooper. “T-Rump, you’re losing everywhere.”

On that grating, sour note, the Mediacircustops again turned to exit.

“No! You can’t go. Come back here! You need me!”

But the Mediacircustops turned a deaf ear to his pleas. Instead, as they moved out, they looked at one another and smiled. Then they broke into a song they’d been waiting to sing for a long time. A very long time.

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, scandalous

Hello, happiness

I think you are a spy

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, cockiness

Hello, giddiness

I feel like I could fly

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

There goes that crumb bum without a clue

He sure did crappy, I sure was blue

He was so crazy when he moved in 

Goodbye to justice, where to begin?

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, nastiness

Hello, happiness

I think I’m-a on a high

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, ugliness

Hello, classiness

I feel like Joe’s my guy

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

I’m-a through with T-Rump, I’m a-through with crud

I’m through recountin’, his name is mud 

From the beginnin’, he said they’ll cheat

And it was Biden, who beat him clean

Bye bye, crud

Bye Bye, angriness

Hello, happiness

I think I’ll kiss the sky

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, tackiness

Hello, normal-ness

I feel like one big sigh 

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

Bye bye, get lost, goodbye

Bye bye, you’re fired! G’bye!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

Danger Zone …

“Well, well. What a pleasant surprise,” said the Jaketapper. “And I mean that with all due respect. I’ve been trying to get an interview with you for four years. Why now?”

He was talking to the Tyrumposaurus.

“Let’s not kid ourselves, Jake. I’ve been knocking myself out traipsing across the countryside making five speeches a day. I finally figured it out that if I just come see you, you could get the word out and save me dragging my butt around.”

“And what word would that be? A Coronavirus task force with no plan? Universal dino health care with no plan? Your policy platform for the next four years? Again, I’m drawing a blank.”

“That’s all fake news, Jake. Fake, fake, fakety, fake, fake.”

“Excuse me? Non-existent is not fake. It’s non-existent as in nothing. Slight of hand chicanery on par with outright grifting. Sorry, I let the ‘g’ word slip. My bad. Fake would be if you actually had something to compare it to, thus confirming authenticity one way or the other. Moving right along.”

“Votes, I need votes. And moolah-moolah leaves.”

“And what regions are you planning to focus on with that?”

“Regions? Focus? Jake, I’m right here. The dinos see me, they hear me. The moolah-moolah is for me.” 

“T-Rump, ever since Charlottesville you’ve been defending the white-striped dinos with your toxic rhetoric on a daily basis. Not to put too fine a point on it. Your misinformation appears intent on fomenting these groups — dare I say incite them — in many of these battleground regions on Tuesday. You’ve already told them to stand back and stand by. Why aren’t you speaking out to put an end to this? Why can’t you guarantee a peaceful transition if you lose?”

“Because I can’t lose.”

“You’re not serious. Everybody loses. At something.”

“Not me. Never happened. You can look it up.”

“Oh, no. We’re not going there. T-Rump, a bunch of your supporters almost ran the Joebiden off the trail the other day. You cheered them on. I couldn’t be more aghast in asking, how could you do such a thing?”

“No, Jake. That’s where you’re wrong. Those were more fine dinos, very fine dinos, providing security for the Joebiden on the trail. Dangerous trail. Keeping him safe.”

“I see, so they did this out of the goodness of their hearts.”

“No, they owe us. Especially me. Moolah-moolah. Joe knows where to send it. Pay up, Joe.”

“T-Rump, experts from around the dino world are pointing to, they’re calling it an ‘unfamiliar danger’ looming on Tuesday across the Milkanhoney Preservation. It’s as if we’re some kind of backwater, third-dino-world, political cesspool. They say this has been brought on by your undermining confidence in dino mail-in voting, delegitimizing post-election day ballot counting and accusations of massive voter fraud. You are tearing down our institutions and principles. You don’t really think you’re going to get away with this, do you?”

“Well, Jake …”

“Sorry, I’m on a roll. It’s been four years. This is happening on your watch. Are you going to say something to protect the sanctity of the election and the safety of Dino Nation, those two items being just a couple of minor inconveniences in the oath you took before you moved into the Oval Dwelling … or … far be it from me to put words in your mouth, T-Rump. What do you think you are doing?” 

“Who me? Nothing. So I said … something. I took it back and now every dino is waiting for me to take it one step further. It’s the Joebiden you’ve got to watch out for. He’s corrupt, evil, incompetent.”

“Ding-ding-ding-ding! That’s the projection alarm, T-Rump. Not so fast. The proliferation of hate speech and racial injustice during a hotly contested election in the middle of a pandemic is a recipe for disaster. Last chance. You’re the leader of Dino Nation. Say something.”

“I may have a surprise for you Tuesday night. Maybe. Maybe not.”

“I knew it. Every living, breathing dino knows it. The shuck and jive you’ve turned into Grandoldparty national policy has 52 dino Sin Hut sycophants sucking back your every scandal like succulent sweet water. So I took the liberty of inviting the Kennyloggins to come sing us a song to fill in dinos across the land on what they can expect this week. Because at the very least, we need to give them a heads up.”

Tuesday is the tension

Listen to their howlin’ roar

Can you feel their vengeance

If the vote is touch and go

All day in the danger zone

Right into the danger zone

Hatin’ from the far right

Lookin’ for a drag-out fight

Gotta get the knee off our neck

Someone’s gonna lose their life

All day in the danger zone

He’ll take us

Right into the danger zone

The T-Rump doesn’t care for you

Then his wicked words become their secret code

He likes to tease us, make us blue

Then he’ll turn the other way when the bad blood flows

Every bet he’s hedged

Dissenters are the enemy

Our lives are on the ledge

He’s gonna kill democracy

All day in the danger zone

He’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Who’s gonna guide us thru the danger zone?

All day in the danger zone

T-Rump’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Biden, guide us thru the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

T-Rump’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Biden, guide us thru the danger zone

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

Slow Tide …

It was four days before the big November battle. The Race to 270. That is, the first dino to get 270 Alligator-Goats would win. A strange beast, this unique, long-established system used to determine leadership of the Milkanhoney Preservation. 538 Alligator-Goats were scattered throughout Dino Nation, pretty much hiding in plain sight. 

Thousands of Neverglades dinos had packed the jungle clearing for a T-Rump stump speech by the Rondisenseless. He was flanked by his good buddy the Scottatlas, the new go-to dino in the Oval Dwelling for all things Coronavirus, especially the animosity towards asymptomatic dinos and any testing needed to track them down. Desenseless stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Next week you have a chance to keep the Grandoldparty dinos in power. Now I know the pandemic has been all-consuming for a lot of you and more of you are out of work and more of you are still waiting for relief. Am I missing anybody? But we need to put all that aside and remember how we got here. Like, before the pandemic? Let’s just pretend we’re all sitting here ten months ago, can we do that, dinos?” 

“What’s that? You said you had family members with you ten months ago and now they’re gone? Then you need to stop thinking about the pandemic. Just stop. We need to be making this all about the terrible Joebiden and how he’s going to ruin your lives, your caves, your everything. See that lagoon there? It won’t be there with the Joebiden. It will evaporate before your very eyes.”

“Back to ten months ago. Your lives are not ruined. They couldn’t be better. Ten months ago, right? 87,000 Covid cases yesterday in Dino Nation? Where’d you hear that? I’ll have to check that with the Oval Dwelling, make sure they’re okay with those numbers. Can’t trust the CDC, y’know.”

“But like the T-Rump said, it’s going to go away. We’re rounding the corner. Making the turn. 87,000 is just a blip. A blip and a bit. You wouldn’t want to have the Joebiden looking after things, would you? It would be even worse! He didn’t do anything, did he? Okay, okay. He wasn’t the leader. But still, he didn’t do anything, right?”

“Like the Kushneratops said. We took it back from the doctors. Here you got me talking about the pandemic again. As if it’s the most important thing. But Jared got control of the messaging from those bad dino doctors. So we can blame them when things go wrong and — this is important now — the T-Rump could claim victory and take the credit when we opened up Dino Nation and got back to our regular lives. That was all about the T-Rump and that’s why we have to keep him in the Oval Dwelling for four more years.”

“What’s that? You want to know why testing has dropped significantly in the Neverglades? Uh, something about symptomatic and asymptomatic, I always mix them up. I mean, I’m just here to say nice things about the T-Rump. I’m here for him so you’ll vote for him and we’ll get all 29 of those all-important Alligator-Goats for the Neverglades.”

The Scottatlas raised a short arm.

“I’ll take it from here, Ron. How are we doing, Neverglades?”

Crickets.

“Uh, yeah. Okay then. First off, nice to see a few of you dinos keeping your phlegm-flinging under five feet. I count two or three. Out of six thousand. It’s a start. And I see all of you are one, maybe two inches apart. Not really socially distancing, but then I’m not really an epidemiology dino. Ahem. … Look, I like testing when it’s for dead dinos. I mean, there’s no need to test dinos without symptoms because it’s not like they really count, when you get right down to it.”

Visible consternation from the crowd.

“Alrighty then. I’ll put it a different way. Let me just sing it.”

Slow tide, make it easy 

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

I’m a brain dude

T-Rump likes my bite

So Covid widespread

Immunity’s right

Oooh, slow tide

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, maybe get to the symptoms in time

Scold me, troll me, ay-symp-to-matic’s not my line 

Woo!

Florida’s good

DeSenseless is right

Cut testing in half

Four-thousand case spike

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, got to get things open now full-time

Scold me, troll me, slow tide is death without a crime 

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

Georgia On the Line …

“Michigonia. 9 points! Can you stand it?!”

The Joebiden was pumped. He and the Kamalaharris were going over the latest numbers on dino regional polls eight days prior to the November battle.

“Dairyland, plus 7. Pennsylvaneus, plus 6. The early voting numbers are through the roof. That can only help us. Stay the course, Joe. We just have to stay the course.”

“Everything seems to be falling into place. The T-Rump’s response to the Coronavirus continues to be a complete disaster as infection rates have surpassed the record levels of the summer.”

“The Markmeadows said they can’t control it.”

“They’ve given up. They’re goin’ home!”

“And they can’t even do that,” she said, shaking her head in wonder. “The Mincepencenow’s dino staff has at least five dinos testing positive and he refuses to stop campaigning. They maintain it’s an essential service.”

“It’s an essential service for the T-Rump because he’s going to the Solitary Sinkhole if he doesn’t win. But do continue with the so-called October surprises that all appear to be going our way.” 

“The Mediacircustops refuse to talk about the Hunterbiden-Ukraine Plain misinformation campaign. That’s a big backfire for them. Then you have the confirmation of the Amyconeybarrett today. That should bring the Donkeykongrus dinos out of every nook and cranny of every cave in Dino Nation. And the T-Rump walking out of his interview with the Lesliestahl. Whining about tough questions. Another surprise that won’t be happening is the T-Rump’s new health care plan. He’s been promising that it’s two weeks away for the past six months.”

The Joebiden gritted his teeth.

“I’m still worried about him. We can’t let our guard down. You know how he plays.”

“Right now he’s not playing well with any dino demographic besides white-striped male dinos who played hooky. What regions are we going to be focusing on this week?” 

“I want you to head on out to the Land of the Longhorns. It’s close. We may get lucky there.”

“And where are you going to be?”

“Oh, a place that’s especially dear to me. A place where it could be game over.”

Georgia, Georgia

Biden wants you 

T-Rump’s motley throng

Has Georgia on the line 

I said Georgia, Georgia

You’re turnin’ blue 

If you see me clear

It won’t be like last time

There it was, for all to see

Needin’ a governor, peachy-sweet

Crooked Kemp stole from Stacy

What are we gonna do?

I said Georgia, oh Georgia

Don’t lose your mind 

T-Rump’s moronic throng

Has Georgia on the line 

The red states don’t hold the key

Been so long, you been blue to me

Since, mama says that would be

Clinton in ninety-two

Woah, Georgia, Georgia

The peace, the peace you’ll find

T-Rump’s mindless throng

Has Georgia on the line 

I said T-Rump’s maniacal throng

Has Georgia on the line 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1369 & 1373

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-kcuh4-f04794

On tap for this week’s twin T-Rump Traxx: Day 1369 — “Won’t Get Fooled Again” … The Joebiden and the Rogerdaltry give us a quick history lesson … and Day 1373 — “Nobody Has Been Tougher” … The T-Rump rekindles his scathing treatment of the Putinodon. … Enjoy! Kudos to The Who and Carly Simon.

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

Nobody Has Been Tougher …

You could cut the apoplexy with a sharp-edged rock. The third and final debate between the Tyrumposaurus and the Joebiden was underway in the bubbling backwater of Gnash-at-Will in the Tennis Shoe footprint of Dino Nation. The moderator, the Kristenwelker addressed the leader of the free-running dino world.

“T-Rump, could you bring us up to speed on what you are doing to fight the Coronavirus?”

“What Coronavirus? The spikes are gone. We’ll have a vaccine ready within weeks. I’ve been congratulated by dino leaders for the great job I’ve done. We are rounding the turn.”

The Joebiden shook his head, eyes rolling.

“Wrong, wrong, wrong and oh, by the way, wrong again. Any dino responsible for this shouldn’t run a fossil fuel retirement party, much less Dino Nation. You have no plan. Your response has been absolutely tragic. We are headed for a dark winter, folks.”

“I prefer calling it a sweet, early spring. I’m thinking of cancelling snow. In the meantime, we are learning to live with it.”

“Are you kidding me? C’mon. We’re learning to die from it. 220,000 dead dinos. On your watch. And you said you’re not responsible.”

“I take full responsibility. It was the Chopstickchowmein dinos who caused this.”

“Moving onto immigration,” said the Kristenwelker. “T-Rump, it’s been reported that your dinos lost 545 migrant dino tots and you have no idea where they are. What are you doing about this?”

“Before they went missing, we need to remember that they received the greatest in dino care and accommodations. Dankness, dampness and the temperatures, all kept minimal. My best and brightest dinos are working on this. Going on three years now, but it’s a big jungle out there. And I’m doing this because I’m the least racist dino in this debate.”

“Correction, Abrahamlincoln here is the most racist dino we’ve ever had leading Dino Nation.”

“I am not the Abrahamlincoln.”

“Well, bless your heart. The first truth you’ve told today.”

“Next up, climate change. T-Rump, why don’t you believe in the science?”

“Because the windows are getting smaller.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s all the A-O-C-plus-3’s fault. Windows in the caves used to be big. Big, big, great big windows. Now they’re getting smaller. Pretty soon we won’t have any windows. No windows at all. We won’t be able to see.”

The Joebiden shook his head.

“I wasn’t going to say it, but I can’t stop myself. You’re a clown.”

“I know more about wind than you do.”

“Because you’re a windbag full of hot air.”

“Dinos, calm down. T-Rump, when are you going to show your Mytaxes Returnus?”

“Funny you should mention that. I just spoke with my dino accountant. They’re under audit. Imagine that. I’ll release them soon. Maybe before the vaccine. Maybe after. Maybe both at the same time. But I do prepay millions of moolah-moolah leaves. Or is it billions? I don’t pay anything to the Russodinos. Never have. But I have to give ten percent to the Big Dino. You’re the Big Dino, Joe. I think.”

The Joebiden glared at him.

“You’ve been waiting four years. Your Big Dino is the Putinodon. Why can’t you say anything bad about him? Not one word.”

The T-Rump held up a short arm and eyed the Kristenwelker.

“May I?”

And he began to sing.

Nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, he’s depressed

I wasn’t looking before this job found me

I tried to hide from Putin’s sight

That’s why he never helped me

Forget Helsinki

My intelligence is never right

And nobody has been tougher

These sanctions destroy his manhood 

Nobody does it quite the way I do

He’s afraid of me for good

One day he then told me

Because I’m so bold, see?

There’s some kind of monster inside you

Because I’m so cunning

He found it all stunning

Who’d you burn to know the things you do?

And nobody has been tougher

Listen to Putin protest

Nobody has been half as bad as me

Oh, yeah, I’m tellin’ you, he’s depressed

Maybe I’m the best

I think I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

Maybe I’m the best

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire

Won’t Get Fooled Again …

It was a tale of two committees. One of Trumpassic trauma, that being the T-Rump’s rally in Dairyland where Covid’s skyrocketing infection rates were only topped by the T-Rump’s vanity. If a dino didn’t know better, their leader was intent on putting their species on the fast track to extinction. In the other camp, the Joebiden was holding a walk-in rally for Donkeykongrus faithful in the Sweet Carolinas. All dinosaurs in attendance were impeccably social distanced with at least one Iguanasaurus tail between them. There were only 16 days remaining before the big November battle. 27 million dinos had already weighed in with their precious pick for the next dino at the top of the flesh-eating food chain.

The Joebiden fairly bounced onto the stage, his spry knees belying his 77 years. He’d spent decades helping dinos of all stripes in present day Scranton-Wilkes-Barre — in dino times known affectionately as Scrotum-Wispy-Hair. 

“Hello, everybody. How are you all doing?”

A roar from the colossal reptilian crowd.

“I want you to know we’re working hard. We’re competing like we never did before because there’s so much riding on this, so very much on the line. The very soul of Dino Nation is at stake. As my dino coach used to say at Delidinoware U., it’s go-time. Go, go, go. Then go some more. Don’t vote twice though. Just go. Go, go, go. You get the idea.”

“But what it gets down to is this. I can’t state this any simpler. Four years with this monster at the helm of our darkest nightmares was bad enough. Four more years of this tyrannical Tyrumposaurus will destroy our dino democracy. His lack of a response to the Coronavirus is the biggest failure of a dino administration that can’t even put one big foot in front of the other. They don’t even try. They’re in quicksand up to their necks and they’re saying it’s my fault. I’m not the leader of Dino Nation. Yet.”

“And in the middle of this catastrophic pandemic what do they do? What takes precedence over the Coronavirus relief we need in these desperate times? Surely they must have some Plan B or a Plan C they’re ready to replace their Plan A with — you know, the one that never saw the light of day? Nope. Sorry. Come back another day. All that pales beside a Dino Supreme Court hearing where they are the ones packing a court before our very eyes. Right. A decision most of you want after the election. But don’t get me started on that.”

“As the Chuckschumer said, we’re keeping every option on the flat rock table. And every day those options are coming closer into focus. The record number of early votes cast thus far are looking very encouraging. But we can’t stop now. Keep ‘em coming. Every last one because a landslide vote is the best response to a dino trying to dictate his way to the gloom and doom no self-respecting dino wants. Here’s the deal. A good friend of mine, the Rogerdaltry, has dropped by to sing a song for us as we face the most important election of our lives. So forget the Park-Ave Path. Remember Scrotum-Wispy-Hair!”

Our Joebiden can’t be beat

Though T-Rump will try to cheat

Then his quarrels and his tight grip will be gone 

And the folks who spurred him on

They all sat four years too long

A free ride where not one said he’s wrong

So let’s get back all our old institutions 

Most laid low by T-Rump’s convolutions

Smile and grin, we’re Biden-Harris bound

Pick up T-Rump, don’t delay

Throw the key away

Because no matter what he’ll say

We won’t get fooled again

His best and brightest, a new swamp tide

When Covid’s done, who’s gonna be alive?

See suburban women and you hear them cry

Oh, we know Q-Anon is our blackest eye

Yeah!

We’re tired of his tweets

Never did have papa’s knee

So he rallies with his base, lie by lie

And the party on the left

Will be the party for what’s right

Until conservatives agree to oversight

So let’s get back all our old institutions

Most laid low by T-Rump’s convolutions

Smile and grin, we’re Biden-Harris bound

Pick up T-Rump, don’t delay

Throw the key away

He no longer has a say

Yeah!

Meet the new boss

We will bear his cross

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!