Categories
Donald Trump Satire

Changes …

“Idiots! You’re all dimwitted, swamp water-sucking idiots!”

The Tyrumposaurus’ nostrils flared, fresh slime oozing from them, dripping down his chin onto the floor. It gave new consideration to social distancing to the three other dinos gathered in the Oval Dwelling before him, the Chadwolfe, the Kencuccinelli and the Michaelcaputo.

“What’s wrong with you? When I go out and tell Dino Nation something, it’s your job to change mid-course, to retailor our message and — dammit! — follow my lead. No matter how many times it changes. Because change is good. It keeps the Donkeykongrus off balance, chasing their tails. We’re not going to rest on our laurels. That would just give them more time to look at the evidence. Remember, every last one of you is going under the Priebusunderbus before me. Everyone. Got it?”

Sorrowful nods all around.

“Chad, what’s the latest at Homeland Security?”

“We’ve buried all the Russodino intelligence. Sorry if I’m looking a little panicked but I couldn’t resist taking a peek and well, sir … it scares the hell out of me.”

“Don’t wanna hear it. Not gonna happen.”

“Yes, sir. So, I want you to know we’ve trained every last dino in the 16 agencies that if they so much as hear “Putin”, they’ll begin salivating like it’s a French side dish.”

“No kidding? Sounds tasty. Save some for me. Two helpings.”

“Sir?”

“That’ll do, Chad. Just remember, the Russodinos didn’t help me four years ago even though they did and they’re not helping me win this year even though they are. You got that, Cuccinelli?”

“Sure, T-Rump. I have, uh … no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Good answer. That’s a good answer.”

The Chadwolfe and Michaelcaputo nodded as well and began clapping as if it were a dino game show.

“And Ken, you really need to work on that sly leer of yours. Where’d it go? That’s why I hired you. You even made the Stephenmillerus jealous.”

“I, uh … I’ll try and work on that, sir.”

“You do that. Michael, that damn Bobwoodward got me good back in February. Now I’m playing clean-up on that whopper of a lie about keeping this damn killer virus quiet. What are you doing to fix it? Keep up with me on this. Because you know I’m going to lie tomorrow and the day after. Damn, I miss the Michaelcohen. Now there was a fixer. Michael?”

“Uh, well … I can go to the C-D-C and give that Redfield a good kick in the keister.”

“And then?”

“More? Uh, yeah … then I could, um … tell him he has to run all the virus stuff by me first. I don’t know what to do with it but, um … I’ll just wait til you say something and … and I’ll find something that goes with it. Or maybe I’ll make it up? I, uh … I can do that, can’t I?”

The Michaelcaputo, who normally projected himself as a big, strong, tough dino type, suddenly looked like a frightened little dino tot caught in a landslide.

“You just did, Michael. You just did. Keep it up. Who knows where this will take you.”

“Me?”

The smug look the T-Rump gave him was not the least bit reassuring. The T-Rump crossed his arms, looking as defiant as possible.

“Okay, just so we don’t have to have to meet like this again, I found a Davidbowie dino song that I want you singing as you work. I want this message second nature, because believe you me, you had better keep up with me, whether it’s keeping things quiet or keeping the story straight. That  is, IF you want to keep your jobs. Now, if you’ll just start tapping your tails on the floor, we’ll find the beat.”

Dino tails tapped and the T-Rump sang …

Still don’t know what Putin’s waiting for

And this time I’m running wild, a million red-hot tweets and

Every time they think I’m gonna fade

It seems my base wants me to cheat

So Russian intel you should see

You will never catch a glimpse

As I watch over hell’s half acre

Forget the past, we’ll fake the rest

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Don’t need to have a master plan

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

They keep forgetting who I am

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

I watch the nation getting wise

But never let them see the harm of Coronavirus and

So the haze floats by their eyes 

And C-D-C seems the same

With the numbers we now sit on

Caputo will change their world

I’m immune to their accusations

We’re quite aware of how we’re screwing them

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

I tell them I know all in spite of this

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Who’s to blame? Obama, this whole mess is his

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

Strange allegations, allegating me

All changes taking place, wait and see what I’ll do

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

Oh, who’s my next controller?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to rearrange

Ch-ch-changes

And we’ll just continue getting bolder

Crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

I said that crime has changed me

Cuz I won’t do time

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Satire

In the Air All Right …

“Why did you lie to Dino Nation and why should we trust what you have to say now?”

The question from the Mediacircustops in the front row to the Tyrumposaurus froze the other veteran Mediacircustops. Had the dino gone mad? The Bobwoodward had caught the T-Rump saying he knew how deadly the Coronavirus was back in February but the T-Rump kept that information from the public and instead minimized the virus’ impact. The T-Rump glared at the Mediacircustops, strengthening his grip on the flat rock bully pulpit.

“Look, the Bobwoodward is a dino that I respect, just from hearing his name for many, many, many years. Okay? I hear his name all the time. Now then, I don’t know much about his work. I don’t care about his work. I don’t know why I met him. But I did. I thought it would be interesting and also provide someone to listen to me for, you know, 18 times. So we did that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I don’t even know if what he’s saying is good or bad. But certainly if he thought that was a bad statement he would’ve reported it.”

“To who?”

“To the authorities.”

“But you are the supreme authority, the leader of the free-running dino world.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute.”

The T-Rump’s finger jabbed the air, pointing at the accusing Mediacircustops.

“Your question, the way you phrased that, accusing me of lying. That was such a disgrace. Just as the Washingtonpostian dinos have disgraced themselves 20,000 times on my behalf.”

“But you said the virus was five times worse and then you said it was just like the flu. So which is it?”

The T-Rump was foaming at the mouth. He spit out foam, phlegm and the remnants of a half-chewed Cheezbuggabugga.

“It’s very simple. Listen, I want to show a level of confidence and I want to show strength as a leader and I want to show our Dino Nation is fine one way or the other. Whether it’s one dead dino or 180,000 … or two-and-a-half or three million dead dinos, which it could’ve been if I didn’t make the moves I did.”

“I’m sorry, did you just say that three million dead dinos would still give you a level of confidence?”

“Again with the disgrace. It’s a wonder you still have a job. Do you want to know whose fault this really is? The Donkeykongrus. The Nancypelosi, the Chuckschumer and the Bobwoodward for even bringing it up. 18 times. It’s on him. I’m innocent. Just to drive that point home, I will put this another way so you can wrap your small mind around it.” 

An ominous sound wound its way through the gathering, the T-Rump scowled and began to sing.  

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

And I’ve been waiting for you, Woodward, for all my life, my word

Can you feel the virus in the air tonight? My word, absurd.

Well, if I told you it was airborne, and it could get out of hand

I also said before, to no end, you might get the sniffles, nothing more than

Well, I was there and I heard what it did, very deadly they did advise

So we know where it’s been, it’ll go away then

These are not a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

Well, I’ve been waiting for this election all my life, my word

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word, absurd

Well, this November, this November, don’t worry, is it at zero yet?

It’s the worst virus, the worst time we ever met

But O’Brien’s reason is why I had to shut them up, no, they don’t fool me

Well, the hurt doesn’t show, play it down like so

There’s no danger to you and me

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

Well, I’ve been hearing that the children will see some strife, my word

I can feel it in the air all right, my word, absurd

Well, I’ve been saying that the children can live their lives, my word

I can feel it coming in the air all right, my word

And I’ve been waiting so long to get on with my life, my word  

I can feel it in the air all right, my word, my word, absurd

Well, I’ve been saying it’s not my fault, this loss of life, my word, absurd

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Scorn for All Those Who Gave …

“Have you seen the boss?”

The Markmeadows surveyed the scene. There were hundreds of salivating dinos gathered around he and the Kayleighmcenany.

“No, but he should be here soon. I can’t help but notice that all the dinos are social distancing. That’s not the look we’re going for, is it?”

“That’s the least of our worries, Kayleigh. The T-Rump has really dug himself a hole by calling our fallen veteran dinos ‘losers’ and ‘suckers.’ Do you have all your talking points lined up?”

“No worries.”

“What about the Johnmccain?”

“Easy. He lost once trying to be our leader of Dino Nation, so technically … that does make him a loser. And the T-Rump’s remark about not liking heroes who are captured, well, I mean … who likes being tortured?”

“And the Johnkelly?”

“Like the T-Rump said, he was totally exhausted. It’s a wonder he could even stand up. Maybe, just maybe he’s suffering from the same debilitating, mind-altering illness the sleepy Joebiden has. And like the Stephaniegrisham said, the Johnkelly was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great leader.”

“Okay, maybe you want to drop one or two of those ‘totally’s.”

“But the T-Rump likes hyperbole. Besides, it’s the only way I know how to speak.”

“Alright then. What about the Alexandervindeman? You know, one of these nosy Mediacircustops is bound to bring it up.”

“Gotcha covered. The T-Rump scoffed at the mere suggestion he should think only how wonderful the Alexandervindeman is. The T-Rump does not believe — those are pretty strong words — that he doesn’t know him, never spoke to him or even met him.”

“And what about the Alexandervindeman’s legal dino, the Davidpressman, who said that Vindeman was asked to leave for telling the truth? His honor and his commitment to right frightened the powerful.”

“First off, nothing frightens the T-Rump and whose truths are you going to believe, the Alexandervindeman’s or the T-Rump’s?”

“Well, when you put it that way.”

He turned again and nervously took in the crowd.

“I thought the T-Rump would be here by now.”

“Yes. And now that you mention it, I don’t see any familiar faces. The news was that the boss would be here. I’m getting a strange vibe. And it’s not for lying so much. Is it just me or, um … do you feel like we’re at a concert?”

The Boss took the flat rock stage.

Torn down like all those around

You go’n kick our war dead when they’re underground

Paying your respects is asking too much

While you spent four years just covering up

Scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

Scorn for all those who gave

McCain was not your biggest fan

He was tortured in a foreign land

A hero who you cannot stand

A funeral where you were banned

Scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

Lookin’ back at your family

You said, “Donny, cuz it’s up to me”

If you’re fighting to make your stand

You can start looking for another brand

A cemetery you dwell on, you only say they were wrong

You don’t care, you move on

We have a nation our brave have won

We hold the pictures of them in our arms now

Down in the shadows where most find empathy

You mock their service to keep us free

You tossed our finest down the road

Losers and suckers, how could you say so?

Scorn for all those who gave

You have scorn for all those who gave

Scorn for all those who gave

You’re a swan song, bad guy who is on his way

Scorn for all those who gave

Scorn for all those who gave

Scorn for all those who gave

You’re a fool, shocking sherlock who is on his way

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Two Votes for Me Ain’t Bad …

“Gidley! Any luck?”

An exasperated, red-faced Markmeadows wiped his brow. They’d lost track of the Tyrumposaurus. Again. The Hogangidley appeared from behind a bush.

“No luck. He gave us the slip.”

“You have one job. One job! Because you don’t do much else around here. All you have to do is keep an eye on the T-Rump.”

“You better wake up and smell what you’re shoveling.”

“You’re not the Johnkennedy so knock off the down-home, grade six colloquialisms.” 

“You have to stop peeing on my foot and telling me it’s raining.”

“Hogan!”

“Sorry.”

The Markmeadows kicked a rock in the path.

“Damn. The T-Rump has been really amped up lately. Sending out his Trollertweeties at all hours. Law and order. Threatening Sportland. Picking fights with the Joebiden and the Nancypelosi. Disrespecting our veteran dinos, calling them ‘losers.’ And there’s still 60 days to the November Battle. Why, oh why did I take this job?”

“I’ll take it. If you could, um … put in a good word for me?”

“No. That’s why I took this job.”

The two Grandoldparty dinos shook their heads and continued their search. Meanwhile, half a mile away, the T-Rump had finally found a group of dinos large enough to satisfy his ego. He counted 50 or so in the clearing, sure to mushroom to 500 in his mind in the following days.

“Hello, my favorite swamp dinos! Great to be here. No, I’m not going to say anything about the Russodinos. Just that no leader has been tougher than I’ve been with them. And there is no truth to the story that intelligence of the Russodinos trying to interfere in the big November battle was withheld. How can you possibly withhold fake news? It’s fake news of fake news. Sheesh! So let’s talk about voting. Yes, I know that great dino Louisdejoy streamlined the process to make things better. Much better. Quicker. On that note, I thought we might test the voting system itself. You know, see if it works. Why wait? Because choosing me as your leader should be easy, right?”

“Here’s what you do. No fuss, no muss. You get the unsolicited ballot. Or is it the absentee ballot? Same difference. You send it in. Then you go and make sure it’s counted, just to keep them busy. Make sure they’re doing their job. They gotta tabulate. That’s right. Don’t be late with the tabulate. But if it’s late, that’s great too. Because you get to vote again. I’m sure it’s okay. My guy, the Williambarr doesn’t know and if he doesn’t know, well … Trust me. That vote is going to count. Whichever one. If both do, well, that’s the Joebiden’s fault. Because he’s playing dirty politics. Every day. They all are. Dirty politics. You gotta check your vote. Because they won’t. Follow it through.”

Just then the Markmeadows and the Hogangidley arrived. They stared around at the gaping mouths before them of fifty stock still, shocked dinos. 

“Damn!” the Markmeadows hissed under his breath. “We’re too late. He’s bamboozled them again.”

Even the T-Rump was taken aback somewhat by his speech.

“Okay, tell you what. I’ll make it easy for you to understand. I’m going to sing it. You’ll be able to remember it better. By November you’ll be humming it in your sleep.”

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

I told you every sin of Sleepy Biden 

There’s nothing left outside of fear

And maybe you will die tonight

But that’ll never change the way that I feel

And Joe is really riling up their side

I wish he couldn’t make me leave here

My horde is near and my horde has clout

Joe lied to show you this is my nightmare

He’s for the birds and I’m your horse, no doubt 

Cuz I’ve been bold for you, so strong

He’s making obstacles instead of cheers

So all I can do is keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You’ll never find ol’ Joe with a dandy speech

You’ll never call his words as bein’ pretty sweet

I know you’re looking at your duty in this pandemic pox

But that ain’t no scoop to thrill sittin’ on his bottom

In the rocker Joe rocks

I can’t lie, I can tell you that I’m something he’s not

No matter how he tries

He’ll only be able to give you nothing

Something that you’ve already got

Well, there’s only one goal that I have ever had

And that was to show my dad I know

How to take the family name and just blow it apart

He never loved me back

O-o-o-h, I know

I remember how she left me, that was Stormy’s night

She dissed me and then viewed me with dread

And though I pleaded and I begged her not to vote for that boor

She kicked my leg and said go away

So I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I keep on telling you

I want them, I need them

And there is a way that you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

I want them, I need them

So send it today and you can go vote again

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

You should be glad

Cuz two votes for me ain’t bad

Maybe we can get this right

Cuz my election is nowhere

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor

Tunnel Vision …

“Alright, you lily-livered, pale-scale walnut-heads! Listen up!”

The Sergeantcarter drilled his squad of sleepy-eyed Militarysaurae with both eyeballs, looking them up and down as he waddled down the line. It was oh-six-hundred hours outside their cramped, damp caves, the nearest Militarysaurae hoof camp to the Kenosha-Sheboygan shenanigans.

“It’s come down from on high, straight from the Markmilley, that we are to continue with Operation Warpmind. Think clandestine. Nefarious. Extra nasty. That is, we take whatever violence we see and blow it out of proportion, so much so that we continue to get these local yokels coming out of the bushes and other dingleberry dinos traveling overland for days on end … with a hate on the size of the T-Rump’s ego. We need these agitators runnin’ roughshod all over the place. The more the merrier, I say. ”

“Uh, Sarge?”

It was the Gomerpyle, a recent recruit with an unwavering moral compass and a naive noggin only outweighed by his in-your-face friendliness.

“What is it, Gomer?”

“Are we still calling these peaceful protesters anarchists and Marxists?”

“That’s right.”

“G-o-o-o-o-l-l-y. They sure look peaceful though. I saw a couple of them sleeping side-by-side the other day under a tree? A big ol’ Magnolia. It was as thick as my pappy’s tail?”

“The point, Pyle. Your point?”

“Okay, Sarge. Sure. You see, they were sleeping. And as they were sleeping a little ol’ magnolia blossom floated down from the tree and it got caught in mid-air over the one dino’s nostril, you see. Just a few inches above? It just kind of hung there, only when the nostril flared and exhaled — Sur-prise! Sur-prise! Sur-prise! It went over above the other dino’s nostril and the same thing happened all over again. Again and again. Shazam! I just sat there and watched. (Sigh) Just as peaceful as can be. I hope you don’t mind that I did that, Sarge?”

“Gomer, do you know the difference between protesting and sleeping?”

“Oh, sure. That would be insomnia.”

The Sergeantcarter grumbled under his breath.

“Uh, Sarge? I have another question? These foreign dinos joining up with us? They have no visible markings. I don’t even know their names. I know you said we don’t have to know their names, but what if something happens to them and you know, we have to notify their next of kin? It made me think of my mammy and my pappy …”

“You leave your mammy and your pappy out of this! No fraternizing. Period.”

“Because they’re the enemy?”

“No, because they’re our friends and this is restricted to a need-to-know basis.”

“Right as rain, Sarge. I need to know the name of a friend.”

“No you don’t, Pyle. What I need to know is if you finished that song I told you to write for the whole camp. So we can sing it when we’re marching. At night. When no one else is listening. To drive home the point of this whole operation. In case any other dino is getting any ideas about making friends. Did you finish it?

“Sure, Sarge. Just like you wanted it.”

“Good, now don’t forget to sing it in your jim-dandy, right-neighbourly voice. And that’s an order!” 

Dealing down ‘n’ dirty, rookies on the scene

Wet behind the ears in their l’il wet dream 

They want a little play time and they took the bait

I can’t see the bloodshed if I keep lookin’ straight

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision is the test of me!

We are only here to, to plant the seed

Chaos is bracing, we just give it what it needs

Tonight’s the fight, the newbies think they’re gonna win it

We’ll sit and watch from outside the city limit

Fill my eyes with that tunnel vision

In disguise with that tunnel vision

Ooh, these weekend wannabes, it’s better them than me

My tunnel vision always seems to be the test of me, the test of me! 

Ooh, tunnel vision

I need my tunnel vision

Ooh, it helps me forget the dead, forgettin’ all of the dead

I got my tunnel vision

Seeing tunnel-tunnel 

Ooh, my tunnel vision

Ooh, tunnel vision

I got tunnel vision

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor The T-Rump Dig

Summer of No Sunshine …

It was the opening night of the Grandoldparty National Conference at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern. The Tyrumposaurus’ son, T-Rump Jr. approached the flat rock lectern. The dinos in the front row were taken aback by his teary-eyed status. They looked and agreed with each other that he must be crying inside because no tears were coming forth.

“Good evening, I’m Donny T-Rump and my father is leader of Dino Nation so I get to speak on the first night. I was planning to speak right before my father on the last night, but the Tyvanka wanted that spot. So, here I am. I’m okay with it. I’m not crying. Really.”

“I wanted to open by talking about unity and opportunity, to give you that, um … warm and fuzzy feeling like when you’ve just been handed a lot of moolah-moolah leaves? I know this may surprise you, but I’m always preaching togetherness. Saying nice things. But that damn Joebiden, his radical leftwing policies would stop our dino jobs cold. He wants to shut Dino Nation down again. Who shuts down Dino Nation twice in a pandemic? Damn! I said the p-word. You weren’t supposed to hear that. Can we start this over again? No?”

“Okay, okay. Look, my main squeeze is over there. Hi, Kimberly. Smile at everyone so they’ll forget. Great. Thanks. Back to me. The Joebiden. He is going to crush the average working dino. I know we’ve been calling him feeble and inept and cowering in his dark, subterranean cave, but read my eyes … he is going to crush you!

“You know, when I open my mouth in our home cave, my dad will make fun of me — dad sarcasm I call it — and yes, sometimes he tells me I’m talking nonsense and to shut the hell up. You should hear what he says to Eric. Anyway, my point is, he will treat you better than me. Yeah, his own son. Because the Grandoldparty is the home of free speech. Just don’t get in the way of my old man when he wants to cross the path to point to the sky at some heavenly body. We had to tell him it wasn’t a woman. Yeah!”

“But the Milkanhoney Preservation is the greatest place on earth. My father’s entire worldview, you know, the four places he can pick out, it really goes back to that famous quote from the Johneffkennedy, “Ask not what your dino nation can do for you but what you can do for my dad. He says you can always do better.”

“That means rejecting the radicals that want to drag us into the dark, down some path and do unspeakable things to us that well meaning conspiracy theorists on our side will then have a field day with. …. Uh, what’s that? Kimberly is making eye contact with me like she said she would if I, uh … entered a danger zone.”

He winked at her.

“Thanks, honey. My main squeeze, everyone. A bright, beautiful future is in store for us with my wife. I mean my dad. We need my father for four more years. That is, if you want a great job. Like I have. A beautiful cave. Like mine. And a perfect family and perfect partner. Me again. Kimberly, get up here and prove me wrong. Dinos! My beautiful, perfect not-yet-but-maybe-wife, the Kimberlyguilfoyle!”

Kimberly tromped over to the flat rock lectern. They went to kiss each other on the cheek but weren’t in sync. They bumped heads instead.   

“Uh, ohmigod, hello, everyone. I’m the Kimberlyguilfoyle, that’s right, the Gavinnewsom’s ex. We were married for five years. Then I married the Ericvillency for three years. That makes my average marriage four years. Do you want me for another four years?”

Bizarre looks from the crowd.

“Of course you do. Because I know a winner when I see one. The T-Rump! And Junior of course. I want to say right up front that I, like my husband and the T-Rump and every last dino who sips from the swamp, we’re all really, really sweet dinos with only nice things to say. That’s us. We want to welcome all dinos into this deep-rooted, heart-warming, transactional relationship.”

“The nicest thing I can say about the Joebiden is that he is a socialist comrade. He would swim backwards … underwater with his legs tied together by his tail … to Cuba-Scuba and Venezuela-Wayla …to bring back their destructive, socialist policies. The Joebiden and company won’t wait for an earthquake. No way. He wants to destroy Dino Nation and everything that we have fought for and hold dear right now. He wants to take the dirt from the floor of your cave. The dirt from your floor! You might go outside and get some more, but that was special dirt! You walked on it! It had that … feeling between your toes, right?”

“They want to control what you see. What you think. What you believe. They want to get inside your head. Inside your walnut. Who are these people? They want to control how you live. Remember the dirt. Louder, dinos! Remember the dirt!”

Several dinos had worried looks on their faces. Donny Jr. looked like he was crying and smiling at the same time, the happy tears trapped in his eyeballs. Kimberly was just warming up.

“The T-Rump said what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening. I’m sorry, but we cannot be more transparent than that. We really can’t. Blame it on the Joebiden. We no longer know what we’re doing because their actions are so diabolical they’re brainwashing us.”

The T-Rump Jr.’s main squeeze looked like her brain was being squeezed, caught in some obscene exorcism with the devil winning.

“They want to enslave us all to the weak, dependent, liberal, victim ideology — only red dinos can be victims. I know, it’s confusing. To the point you will not recognize Dino Nation or yourself, or your children or the dirt on your own floor.”

She turned to Donny Jr.

“You still recognize, don’t you? Donny?”

“What, the dirt on the floor?”

“Me, dummy!”

He tromped back to the lectern.

“I – I recognize you. Sure I do. At least I think I do. Baby, you need some hydroxychloroquine. So your eyes can be like mine. We’re in this together, Kimmy. Say, are you okay to sing? Because it’s time to sing our song.”

“I don’t know. I’m hearing voices in my head. Those damn Donkeykongrus. You go ahead, Donny, I’m with you in spirit.”

“Spirit, you say? Nothing else?”

She nodded hopefully.

“Okay, pumpkin squashy-kins. The Donkeykongrus can have their stupid, silly summer of love. We know better, don’t we? Hit it!”

We got to be real right-wing

Bought into a life of crime

Stayed quiet as Covid spread

It’s the summer of no sunshine

We’re not too wise, but cruel

Had a plan to change the old guard

Daddy’s it, justice got buried

Joebiden is the Loch Ness Monster

Oh, he’ll drag us back now

This summer of no fun forever

Cuz Joe would take your voice

Yeah, he’s always lurking in there

These are the worst days of your life

You need some more explainin’

Look at what they put you through

Spending the days trapped in your cave then

There’s somethin’ you can do, yeah

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh!

Man, re-election time

This is Biden’s madness

My old man’s doing fine

His tweets do not harass, whatever, whatever, no!

      

Yeah!

We’re gonna be life-changin’

Have four years really come and gone?

While my dad worked on his back-swing

Just look at all Joebiden did wrong

Standin’ with your Tiki torch

Pretend you’re on our southern border

Oh, we’re gonna make our stand

You know there is no law and order

These are the worst days of your life

Oh, yeah

Here in the summer of no sunshine, oh

It is the summer of no sunshine, oh, yeah

Me and Kimberly with no sunshine, oh

It is the summer

The summer, the summer of no sunshine, yeah

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Donald Trump Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Send in the Clowns …

“Good evening. I’m Wolfblitzer and I have breaking news because, unfortunately, these are the times we live in. The Jimacosta, the Andersoncooper and the Jaketapper join me as we set the stage here at the Andrewmelanoma Cavern for the Grandoldparty National Conference. First off, my heart goes out to the 175,000 plus dinos who have passed away from the Coronavirus because that is the last mention of this tragedy you will hear from the Tyrumposaurus and his followers. Jim, what can we expect tonight and for the next four days, barring the earth opening up and swallowing us all?”

“Thank you, Wolf. The T-Rump believes more of him is evidently better, so he will be speaking every night. That’s right. Every single night. Will he say the same thing? That would save us time, wouldn’t it? He’s calling himself the Talent in Chief. My sources are saying we are looking at a 4-day seminar in Acute Narcissism. Can he explain away the mess he has left in his wake over the past four years? Oh, wait, I just spotted the Marthamcsally. Let me get her thoughts on this.” 

The Jimacosta moved into position.

“Martha, one moment, please. Jimacosta, Truth be Told Mediacircustops. What are you doing here?”

“What do you think, bozo? I see dinos. They have to eat. We all do. All I’m doing is asking them to starve themselves for two — three hours, tops! — and give me their moolah-moolah leaves instead. The Markkelly is killing me! By the way, did you eat yet?”

“Uh, no. Back to you, Wolf.”

“Thanks, Jim. That was truly disturbing, indeed. Anderson, the T-Rump camp has promised some break-out stars in their dino speaker line-up. I’m not sure if they meant breakout as in jail break, but perhaps we could do a quick recap of some of these speakers for our audience. I’ll give you the name and you give our audience a brief response. Word association, if you will, in the interests of time and my incredulity.”

“Be still my beating heart.”  

“The Mincepencenow.”

“This is his warm-up for the Kamalaharris debate. She’ll win and she’s not even here.”

“The Tomcotton.”

“He thought buying Greenland was a good idea.”

“Good lord. The Nikkihaley.”

“What’s a nice girl like her … I’m sorry. The Mencepencenow is really sweating by now.”

“The Kellyanneconvixway, who just quit I might add.”

“Yes, funny, how a large audience and potential criminal charges weasel their way in. The Donkeykongrus scored another win and this isn’t even their conference.”

“The Rudygiuliani.”

“Bless his heart. The resolute rabbit hole diver taking a rare day off.”

“The Mccloskeysaurae from Saint-Louis-Phooey.”

“Wolf, let’s hope security is tight. We don’t want to see any dinos hurt.”

“No, of course we don’t. Next is the Nicholassandmann.”

“We only have his silent, grinning mug to go by. Perhaps he will give us a stirring tribute to our fine Indigenosaurae. Then again. Perhaps not.”

“Anderson, this is truly amazing. There are no less than six Tyrumposaurae on the schedule. Let’s start with Melania.”

“Let’s be serious, Wolf. She won’t be speaking. She doesn’t want to upstage her new rose garden.”

“A thorny issue there. Donald Jr.”

“According to him, the Donkeykongrus have fully embraced the Communistmanifesty dino species.”

“It certainly appears that way, doesn’t it? Let’s not forget Eric.”

“Next. I don’t traffic in Qanonymousarus theories.”

“Fair enough. And Tiffany?”

“Why is she even here?”

“Thank you for your valuable insight, Anderson. We are all smarter for it. Your thoughts, Jake? I noticed there is a melodic element traveling beneath my words. Yes, it is breaking news, everyone. The Jaketapper is going to sing.”

He isn’t rich

Can’t grow a pair

Speakers at last he has found

Are all hot air

Send in the clowns

This is death’s kiss

Who could approve?

Those who keep spreading around

The virus lies prove

They know no bounds

Send in the clowns

Can they be stopped? … Down on all fours

I pray the world might only hear their listeners’ snores

The new fascist right wing, a new vacant stare

Nothing is fine

No one is there

This is a farce

Let me be clear

If they’re all autistic savants

Then, then I won’t jeer

It’s all upside down

Send in the clowns

God help us, they’re here

He isn’t rich

But quick to smear

Turning to Loudobbs this late in his career

All falling down

These are his best clowns

Please be their last year

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!