“Well, well. What a pleasant surprise,” said the Jaketapper. “And I mean that with all due respect. I’ve been trying to get an interview with you for four years. Why now?”
He was talking to the Tyrumposaurus.
“Let’s not kid ourselves, Jake. I’ve been knocking myself out traipsing across the countryside making five speeches a day. I finally figured it out that if I just come see you, you could get the word out and save me dragging my butt around.”
“And what word would that be? A Coronavirus task force with no plan? Universal dino health care with no plan? Your policy platform for the next four years? Again, I’m drawing a blank.”
“That’s all fake news, Jake. Fake, fake, fakety, fake, fake.”
“Excuse me? Non-existent is not fake. It’s non-existent as in nothing. Slight of hand chicanery on par with outright grifting. Sorry, I let the ‘g’ word slip. My bad. Fake would be if you actually had something to compare it to, thus confirming authenticity one way or the other. Moving right along.”
“Votes, I need votes. And moolah-moolah leaves.”
“And what regions are you planning to focus on with that?”
“Regions? Focus? Jake, I’m right here. The dinos see me, they hear me. The moolah-moolah is for me.”
“T-Rump, ever since Charlottesville you’ve been defending the white-striped dinos with your toxic rhetoric on a daily basis. Not to put too fine a point on it. Your misinformation appears intent on fomenting these groups — dare I say incite them — in many of these battleground regions on Tuesday. You’ve already told them to stand back and stand by. Why aren’t you speaking out to put an end to this? Why can’t you guarantee a peaceful transition if you lose?”
“Because I can’t lose.”
“You’re not serious. Everybody loses. At something.”
“Not me. Never happened. You can look it up.”
“Oh, no. We’re not going there. T-Rump, a bunch of your supporters almost ran the Joebiden off the trail the other day. You cheered them on. I couldn’t be more aghast in asking, how could you do such a thing?”
“No, Jake. That’s where you’re wrong. Those were more fine dinos, very fine dinos, providing security for the Joebiden on the trail. Dangerous trail. Keeping him safe.”
“I see, so they did this out of the goodness of their hearts.”
“No, they owe us. Especially me. Moolah-moolah. Joe knows where to send it. Pay up, Joe.”
“T-Rump, experts from around the dino world are pointing to, they’re calling it an ‘unfamiliar danger’ looming on Tuesday across the Milkanhoney Preservation. It’s as if we’re some kind of backwater, third-dino-world, political cesspool. They say this has been brought on by your undermining confidence in dino mail-in voting, delegitimizing post-election day ballot counting and accusations of massive voter fraud. You are tearing down our institutions and principles. You don’t really think you’re going to get away with this, do you?”
“Well, Jake …”
“Sorry, I’m on a roll. It’s been four years. This is happening on your watch. Are you going to say something to protect the sanctity of the election and the safety of Dino Nation, those two items being just a couple of minor inconveniences in the oath you took before you moved into the Oval Dwelling … or … far be it from me to put words in your mouth, T-Rump. What do you think you are doing?”
“Who me? Nothing. So I said … something. I took it back and now every dino is waiting for me to take it one step further. It’s the Joebiden you’ve got to watch out for. He’s corrupt, evil, incompetent.”
“Ding-ding-ding-ding! That’s the projection alarm, T-Rump. Not so fast. The proliferation of hate speech and racial injustice during a hotly contested election in the middle of a pandemic is a recipe for disaster. Last chance. You’re the leader of Dino Nation. Say something.”
“I may have a surprise for you Tuesday night. Maybe. Maybe not.”
“I knew it. Every living, breathing dino knows it. The shuck and jive you’ve turned into Grandoldparty national policy has 52 dino Sin Hut sycophants sucking back your every scandal like succulent sweet water. So I took the liberty of inviting the Kennyloggins to come sing us a song to fill in dinos across the land on what they can expect this week. Because at the very least, we need to give them a heads up.”
Tuesday is the tension
Listen to their howlin’ roar
Can you feel their vengeance
If the vote is touch and go
All day in the danger zone
Right into the danger zone
Hatin’ from the far right
Lookin’ for a drag-out fight
Gotta get the knee off our neck
Someone’s gonna lose their life
All day in the danger zone
He’ll take us
Right into the danger zone
The T-Rump doesn’t care for you
Then his wicked words become their secret code
He likes to tease us, make us blue
Then he’ll turn the other way when the bad blood flows
Every bet he’s hedged
Dissenters are the enemy
Our lives are on the ledge
He’s gonna kill democracy
All day in the danger zone
He’s gonna take us
Right into the danger zone
All day in the danger zone
Who’s gonna guide us thru the danger zone?
All day in the danger zone
T-Rump’s gonna take us
Right into the danger zone
All day in the danger zone
Biden, guide us thru the danger zone
All day in the danger zone
T-Rump’s gonna take us
Right into the danger zone
All day in the danger zone
Biden, guide us thru the danger zone
………………………………
You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!
David Belisle 