Donald Trump Humor

Bye Bye Crud …

“They’re killing me. They’re absolutely killing me!”

It was three days since the November battle had begun. Nerves were wearing thin. The T-Rump’s were shot about five minutes after the polls closed Tuesday.  Now, Friday morning, his huge leads of 700,000 votes in Pennsylvaneus and 380,000 in Georgia Orchard had slowly, agonizingly dwindled down to … practically nothing. He was  leading in Pennsylvaneus by a mere 18,000 and by just 600 in Georgia Orchard. The loss of every single vote felt like aggravated grand larceny. Surely it didn’t reflect upon his performance over the past three years and ten months.

It was well known by dinos across the land that it was the T-Rump’s own fault his vote count had plummeted. He’d told the dino world that the dino mail system was nothing more than a Donkeykongrus black hole of chicanery and fraud that had become this travesty overnight. His dino cult blindly believed him and had patiently waited to cast their vote on election day. There, they rubbed shoulders and slobbered on other dinos if only to catch the full effect of the worsening Coronavirus, now referred to as the plague by the T-Rump. And not in a joking manner. Such comforting words from the dino leader. So the day-of-election votes were counted first, the mail-in ballots counted last and the T-Rump now needed an excuse to escape being a — horror of horrors — loser. They must be cheating. That’s it. 

“Tell them to stop counting in Pennsylvaneus and Georgia Orchard!”

“But,” the Markmeadows interjected, “if we do that, they’ll have to stop counting in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno. We’re, ahem … trailing there.”

“So keep counting in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno. Keep counting!” He paused. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

The Jaysekulow raised a short arm.

“I’m afraid … it appears we have no evidence.”

“What did I say about bothering me with details? Find some!”

The T-Rump Jr. stepped forward.

“Dad, the Joebiden came out and spoke to the Mediacircustops again. You need to get your voice out there.”

Every other yes-dino in the cave waved their short arms in an emphatic gesture that that would be a most horrible idea. The T-Rump ignored them.

“That’s right. Of course I do. Set it up. 30 minutes. I’ll show ’em who’s boss.”

Half an hour later, the Mediacircustops gathered before a hastily built flat rock lectern. An agitated T-Rump stepped behind it.

“You’ll notice that I’ve won a lot of dino regions, a whole lot of them in the most impressive display the dino world has ever seen. Unfortunately we have several regions, the only ones I’m, um … behind in, they’re counting ballots that have apparently dropped from the sky. Very dangerous. That could lead to violence. These are fraudulent and I will be having the Williambarr investigate every last one of them.”

As he spoke, the Johnking joined the Mediacircustops. He leaned into one dino to whisper something in his ear. That dino whispered to another and before a minute had passed, every dino except the T-Rump had heard the news. The T-Rump railed on.

“And I will not stand for this blatantly corrupt behaviour directed at me, a regular dino representing the all-important blue-collar dino … which I think I’m referring to here for the all-important first time. Because I typically don’t hang out with that crowd.”

The Mediacircustops rose en masse and turned to leave.

“Wait a minute. Where are you all going?”

“More results have come in,” said the nearest Mediacircustops. “You’re now behind in Pennsylvaneus by 9,000 and 1,500 in Georgia Orchard.”

“And you’re losing in Zona Canyon and Reno-Keno,” added the Andersoncooper. “T-Rump, you’re losing everywhere.”

On that grating, sour note, the Mediacircustops again turned to exit.

“No! You can’t go. Come back here! You need me!”

But the Mediacircustops turned a deaf ear to his pleas. Instead, as they moved out, they looked at one another and smiled. Then they broke into a song they’d been waiting to sing for a long time. A very long time.

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, scandalous

Hello, happiness

I think you are a spy

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, cockiness

Hello, giddiness

I feel like I could fly

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

There goes that crumb bum without a clue

He sure did crappy, I sure was blue

He was so crazy when he moved in 

Goodbye to justice, where to begin?

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, nastiness

Hello, happiness

I think I’m-a on a high

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, ugliness

Hello, classiness

I feel like Joe’s my guy

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

I’m-a through with T-Rump, I’m a-through with crud

I’m through recountin’, his name is mud 

From the beginnin’, he said they’ll cheat

And it was Biden, who beat him clean

Bye bye, crud

Bye Bye, angriness

Hello, happiness

I think I’ll kiss the sky

Bye bye, crud

Bye bye, tackiness

Hello, normal-ness

I feel like one big sigh 

Bye bye, good god, goodbye

Bye bye, get lost, goodbye

Bye bye, you’re fired! G’bye!


You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Donald Trump Humor Satire

Danger Zone …

“Well, well. What a pleasant surprise,” said the Jaketapper. “And I mean that with all due respect. I’ve been trying to get an interview with you for four years. Why now?”

He was talking to the Tyrumposaurus.

“Let’s not kid ourselves, Jake. I’ve been knocking myself out traipsing across the countryside making five speeches a day. I finally figured it out that if I just come see you, you could get the word out and save me dragging my butt around.”

“And what word would that be? A Coronavirus task force with no plan? Universal dino health care with no plan? Your policy platform for the next four years? Again, I’m drawing a blank.”

“That’s all fake news, Jake. Fake, fake, fakety, fake, fake.”

“Excuse me? Non-existent is not fake. It’s non-existent as in nothing. Slight of hand chicanery on par with outright grifting. Sorry, I let the ‘g’ word slip. My bad. Fake would be if you actually had something to compare it to, thus confirming authenticity one way or the other. Moving right along.”

“Votes, I need votes. And moolah-moolah leaves.”

“And what regions are you planning to focus on with that?”

“Regions? Focus? Jake, I’m right here. The dinos see me, they hear me. The moolah-moolah is for me.” 

“T-Rump, ever since Charlottesville you’ve been defending the white-striped dinos with your toxic rhetoric on a daily basis. Not to put too fine a point on it. Your misinformation appears intent on fomenting these groups — dare I say incite them — in many of these battleground regions on Tuesday. You’ve already told them to stand back and stand by. Why aren’t you speaking out to put an end to this? Why can’t you guarantee a peaceful transition if you lose?”

“Because I can’t lose.”

“You’re not serious. Everybody loses. At something.”

“Not me. Never happened. You can look it up.”

“Oh, no. We’re not going there. T-Rump, a bunch of your supporters almost ran the Joebiden off the trail the other day. You cheered them on. I couldn’t be more aghast in asking, how could you do such a thing?”

“No, Jake. That’s where you’re wrong. Those were more fine dinos, very fine dinos, providing security for the Joebiden on the trail. Dangerous trail. Keeping him safe.”

“I see, so they did this out of the goodness of their hearts.”

“No, they owe us. Especially me. Moolah-moolah. Joe knows where to send it. Pay up, Joe.”

“T-Rump, experts from around the dino world are pointing to, they’re calling it an ‘unfamiliar danger’ looming on Tuesday across the Milkanhoney Preservation. It’s as if we’re some kind of backwater, third-dino-world, political cesspool. They say this has been brought on by your undermining confidence in dino mail-in voting, delegitimizing post-election day ballot counting and accusations of massive voter fraud. You are tearing down our institutions and principles. You don’t really think you’re going to get away with this, do you?”

“Well, Jake …”

“Sorry, I’m on a roll. It’s been four years. This is happening on your watch. Are you going to say something to protect the sanctity of the election and the safety of Dino Nation, those two items being just a couple of minor inconveniences in the oath you took before you moved into the Oval Dwelling … or … far be it from me to put words in your mouth, T-Rump. What do you think you are doing?” 

“Who me? Nothing. So I said … something. I took it back and now every dino is waiting for me to take it one step further. It’s the Joebiden you’ve got to watch out for. He’s corrupt, evil, incompetent.”

“Ding-ding-ding-ding! That’s the projection alarm, T-Rump. Not so fast. The proliferation of hate speech and racial injustice during a hotly contested election in the middle of a pandemic is a recipe for disaster. Last chance. You’re the leader of Dino Nation. Say something.”

“I may have a surprise for you Tuesday night. Maybe. Maybe not.”

“I knew it. Every living, breathing dino knows it. The shuck and jive you’ve turned into Grandoldparty national policy has 52 dino Sin Hut sycophants sucking back your every scandal like succulent sweet water. So I took the liberty of inviting the Kennyloggins to come sing us a song to fill in dinos across the land on what they can expect this week. Because at the very least, we need to give them a heads up.”

Tuesday is the tension

Listen to their howlin’ roar

Can you feel their vengeance

If the vote is touch and go

All day in the danger zone

Right into the danger zone

Hatin’ from the far right

Lookin’ for a drag-out fight

Gotta get the knee off our neck

Someone’s gonna lose their life

All day in the danger zone

He’ll take us

Right into the danger zone

The T-Rump doesn’t care for you

Then his wicked words become their secret code

He likes to tease us, make us blue

Then he’ll turn the other way when the bad blood flows

Every bet he’s hedged

Dissenters are the enemy

Our lives are on the ledge

He’s gonna kill democracy

All day in the danger zone

He’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Who’s gonna guide us thru the danger zone?

All day in the danger zone

T-Rump’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Biden, guide us thru the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

T-Rump’s gonna take us

Right into the danger zone

All day in the danger zone

Biden, guide us thru the danger zone


You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!