In this week’s two-fer podcast, on Day 879–Cybersaurus? What Cybersaurus? … the T-Rump faces the wrath of his handler, the Putinodon. Then, on Day 883–My Wedding and Maria … a high-ranking dino under secretary has her wedding crashed by a Russodino!
The Ricksantorum looked across the flat rock at the hard-staring Mediacircustops dinos before him. There was the deep-digging Andersoncooper, the legal expert Lauracoates and the Davidgergen, he of four-dino-regime fame. Seven years previous, the Ricksantorum had battled for Grandoldparty leadership of the free-running dino world against the Mittromney, eventually crying wolf and not much more when he got his at some nondescript Gettysburg address.
The Ricksantorum was now reduced to playing a steady role as defender of the Tyrumposaurus or hinging the unhinged as it were, for the main path Mediacircustops, who prided themselves on presenting both sides of the story as opposed to the typical Foxsquawkbox dino who had long since become the T-Rump’s Trumpeter Swamp Swan.
“We’re surprised to see you here, Rick,” said the Andersoncooper. “The Davidgergen said he’d take a flying leap in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir if you had the nerve to show.”
“You’re too old to fly, leap or swim,” the Ricksantorum said with a nervous laugh.
“And here you are,” said Anderson, “the very day after the T-Rump says to the dino world that it is a-okay to receive dirt on your opponent from a foreign dino nation, the November Battle dino chair, the Ellenweintraub left footprints in the sand saying, let me make something 100% clear to the Milkanhoney Preservation and any dino running for a public post: It is illegal for any dino to solicit, accept, or receive anything of value from a foreign dino in connection with our November Battles. … Oh,” said Anderson. “And she added, this is not a novel concept. … Oh, and this too, I would not have thought that I needed to say this.”
The Andersoncooper eyed the Ricksantorum warily.
“I don’t know which leaves me more incredulous, this audacious — illegal act — being promoted by the T-Rump or your sitting across from me ready to, dare I say, defend it?”
“Well, actually, Anderson, the explanation is easy. Look, the president throws terms maybe … uh, he has sort of as we all do … we have filler words that we throw out there … and … that, that don’t mean what they say like, you know, I think.”
“I think?” said Anderson. “So the T-Rump is just saying … I think?”
“I think I’m going to go throw up a Turkeysaurus. Filler words, you say. Wow. That’s a new one. You didn’t get that from the Kellyanneconvixway, did you?”
“Oh, no. I came up with this on my own.”
“You know, Rick,” said the Lauracoates, “I’m pretty sure the dino court judges are not going to buy your argument of, ahem … filler words … when the impeachment inquiry comes down the pike any day now. It begs the question that, if the T-Rump throws out these filler words, as you say we all do, perhaps you can enlighten us as to what he was really trying to say when he spoke of wanting to rip baby dinos from their mothers’ arms at the Great Tex-Mex Divide …”
“Well, uh … you see …”
“Or when he said there were good dinos on both sides of the Charlottesville Divide.”
“Uh, um, I suppose …”
“And what about throwing all his Langleyops dinos under the Priebusunderbus at Smelstinki at the smelly, stinky feet of the Putinodon? More filler words you say?”
“Okay, okay. He uses filler words to … Fill. His. Sentences. They don’t make rhyme or reason. They just … fill in the sentence. There, I said it. Sheesh! Are you happy now?”
There was tittering and giggling on the stage between the Mediacircustops at the Ricksantorum’s latest failed attempt to explain away the T-Rump’s third crisis of the day. The other two were waiting off stage.
The Kellyanneconvixway and the Huckabeecyclops watched the Mediacircustops intently. Kellyanne nudged her one-eyed colleague.
“Have you heard the latest?”
“The Hatch Act …”
“You’re pregnant again?! Oh, Kellyanne! I’m so happy for you! You’re going to lay an egg!”
“No, no. It’s not that.”
The Huckabeecyclops hadn’t briefed the Mediacircustops on Oval Dwelling matters for 94 days and had long since lost interest in keeping up with politics, laws and all things Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. Kellyanne tried explaining.
“The Hatch, it …”
The Huckabeecyclops froze, no longer paying attention to what Kellyanne was saying. Hatchet? Ohmigod. He’s firing me. The T-Rump is letting me go. It’s those 94 days. I know it is. I should’ve said something. Anything. But I couldn’t. Those were the orders. His orders. Damn it.
“Huckabee?” asked Kellyanne. “Is something wrong?”
The Huckabeecyclops could only leer back at her. That smug, little fussbudget. That’s her, alright. Get the news from the T-Rump. No Mediacircustops. No Trollertweety. The little Lizardface has to come and tell me herself … so she can revel in my pain. We’ll see about that!
“Don’t,” she said to the Kellyanneconvixway with a killer look in her eye. “Just don’t.”
The Huckabeecyclops stormed past her and onto the flat rock to squat beside the Andersoncooper. She glared at the Ricksantorum.
“Rick, take a hike. Filler words. Hmmph. You’re an embarrassment to the Grandoldparty.”
His face froze as her eyes narrowed. His mother told him about female dinos with narrowing eyes. He quickly exited stage left.
“The Huckabeecyclops,” said the Andersoncooper. “What a pleasant surprise.”
“I wish it was under better circumstances, Anderson. I’m here to tell you I’ve been axed. Canned. Dirted down the road.”
The Kellyanneconvixway rushed up behind her.
“Still trying to steal the spotlight, are you? Go! Get away from me!”
With that, her long tail lashed out, following through and launching the petite Kellyanne into a deep shrub of Thornberries some forty yards away.
God that felt good, she thought. I can only ask myself … why did I wait so long? She turned back to Anderson.
“No, I really lied.”
“We really know.”
“The Mueller Report finally got me. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been lying so long it feels like the truth to me. Honest.”
“O-k-a-a-a-y. But Huckabee, why are you coming clean now? Is it the guilt? A clearing of your conscience perhaps? Concern for your family?”
“I’m not so much coming clean, Anderson … as I am ready to embark on my next career.”
“Oh, I’m sure you can guess. For a dino like me who’s fibbed enough to impress even the exalted T-Rump.”
“Wait, are you talking about a career in … politics?”
“I’m going to be the best damn governor behind a little rock in Arkansas.”
“Oh, I’m sure they’ll see you for who you are. Say, while we have you here, any comments on the federal dinos saying the Kellyanneconvixway should be removed because of the Hatch Act?”
Her eyes went wide.
“Did you say … Hatch Act?”
The Lauraingraham shifted her slim hips on her rocky seat in heightened anticipation. A sly grin crossed her lizard lips. Things couldn’t be more perfect. Here she was, squatting with the Tyrumposaurus on the 75th anniversary of the great Dino Day invasion. On these hallowed grounds, tens of thousands of allied dinosaurs invaded Normandia to push back the overzealous Nazisaurae’s quest for dino dominance.
This was the T-Rump’s 55th interview with the Foxsquawkbox dinos. That was 55 more than he’d had with that other Mediacircustops outlet catering to the Andersoncoopers and Jimacostas of the dino world.
The Lauraingraham looked over the T-Rump’s shoulder at the stunning backdrop, a dinosaur burial ground that 75 years had done little to change. Skeletal remains protruded from the ground as far as the eye could see, a vivid reminder of the courage, the discipline, the massive scope of the endearing principles these fallen warriors displayed so that all dinos could be free to live in harmony.
“So glad you could join me, T-Rump. Great weather, huh?”
“Yes. I understand the Dino-Day invasion was delayed by a day because of poor weather but … not for me! I’m here so the weather is outstanding.”
“Have you enjoyed your visit thus far with the royal dino, the Elizabethantwo?”
“Fantastic. Automatic chemistry, I tell you. Auto-matic. I’m the carbon. She’s the oxygen.”
“I believe that makes carbon monoxide.”
“Great chemistry. We need more of it. She took one look at me and fell right into line. She has never had a better time than this time she’s had with me. Never before. Just don’t tell the Tymelania, okay? I’ve really got to look into this royal dino thing. There’s something to it. We wouldn’t have to deal with any more term limits, would we?”
“Afraid not. T-Rump, the Great Tex-Mex Divide remains your number one priority and three years later those left-wing radical Donkeykongrus remain incredibly slow on the uptake. Do you think that siccing five Tariffraptors on the Mexicodinos will do the trick?”
“Laura, you don’t know how badly I want to shout, Release the Tariffraptors!”
“Oh, my. T-Rump. You made my skin crawl. In a good way.”
“I have that effect on dinos. The Tariffraptor is such a beautiful dino. No, Laura, I just did the math this morning so the fake news Mediacircustops will of course get it wrong — but the migrating Latinonachos killed 100,000 dinos and ruined one million dino families. Don’t bother looking it up. You won’t find it. Just trust me on this.”
“Of course we do, T-Rump. Anything you want to get off your chest as we sit here looking over this vast memorial to dinos young and old who gave their lives so we could sit here and talk freely and frankly about the debacle that is the Donkeykongrus?”
“I didn’t come all this way for nothing. I think the Nancypelosi a disgrace. I actually don’t think she’s a talented dino. I’ve tried to be nice to her because I would’ve liked to have gotten some deals done. She’s incapable of doing deals. The thing is, she waits until I’m away from the Milkanhoney Preservation to say that I should be in the Solitary Sinkhole. Who me!? Now if I was to say anything bad about her on the dino world stage there would be major, major footprints in the sand for all dinos to see.”
“She had no right,” said the Lauraingraham. “Who does she think she is? Meanwhile you remain s-o-o-o leader-like.”
“And so I’d like to add that she’s a nasty, vindictive, horrible dino.”
“You’re on a roll, T-Rump. I’m just going to sit back and let you carry on as only you can.”
“Thank you. Now I know a month ago I said the long awaited Muellersavus footprints in the sand were gospel … but I take it all back.”
“Taking it all back,” she echoed. “Okay. Memory erase. Back track. Square one.”
“Because I can. Let’s remember where I was, ahem … before I misspoke. The Muellersavus and his 13 angry, horrible Donkeykongrus were totally biased against me. Totally. He even had to straighten out his testimony because his testimony was wrong.”
“Which is why you didn’t read it, T-Rump. Of course. You knew it was wrong all along. Never trust the boy scout dino when it’s the grifter dino in you that spots the mistakes. Enough admiring the landscape. The masses need a Cryingchuck blast, oh, esteemed leader of all things condescending.”
“You sounded there like you were treating me as royalty. Keep it up. Yes, the Cryingchuck is a disaster. He’s a total political, you know, jerk. Oh, before I forget. Just so you know, I’m actually holding up the Dino Day activities — they’re putting everything on hold so I can do your show. But that’s because I’m here with you. Congratulations on how popular you are. With me here. You and me.
“Uh … that came out of nowhere. T-Rump, as we look around during this solemn memorial, could you tell the dinos across the world what you pray for?”
“Of course. I pray for piece. You know, a piece of the action? Our dinos have to be in fighting shape. I’m responsible for putting the pieces in place there. And a piece of the moolah-moolah leaves that drive our strong dino nation. I want a big piece, I mean … I’m taking care of that too.”
“You’re the biggest, T-Rump. The best. I want to say a big thank you for visiting with us today.”
“Okay, did I say they’re holding things up for me?”
“Twice. You’ve made our day here so very special. Thanks again, T-Rump.”
The T-Rump rose and exited stage left. The Lauraingraham waited until he was out of sight. She turned to her audience of 13 lonely dinos.
“Some of you may have heard the T-Rump say he held up the Dino Day activities so he could do my interview. That is patently false. Fake news. The T-Rump can lie whenever he wants except when it makes me look bad!”
“Profoundly clueless?! She called my profoundly clueless! How dare she!”
The Kushneratops’ face cork-screwed into a cruel scowl as he and the Tyvankanatrix stared down at the footprints in the sand, the latest report from the Mediacircustops, the Jillfilipovic.
“Relax, dear. It’s just more fake news,” said Tyvanka.
“I wish it was. Except that … I resemble that remark.”
“No, not you, sweetheart. Perhaps she’s referring to father. She did say the next battle campaign could restore competence, stature and sanity to the Oval Dwelling.”
“Don’t patronize me. You know how I hate being patronized. Look, right here,” he said, pointing at a telling footprint. “… this under-qualified senior advisor. Hah! Name me one dino — just one — who hasn’t had a mediocre academic career, a massive condo cave failure and purchased a Mediacircustops footprints in the sand venture as a vanity project and watched it disappear in the quicksand.”
“Your logic is s-o-o-o very sound, dear. I love it when your little attitude voice speaks up. You don’t look like a little dino anymore.”
He gave her a hurt, wounded look.
“Oh, no. I’m sorry, dear. I called you little in back-to-back sentences, didn’t I? Fear not. You did marry a Tyrumposaurus and daddy likes you.”
“That’s what the Jillfilipovic said.”
He gulped anew. She looked at him with genuine caring.
“Get it out, Kush-Kush. Get it all out.”
“She called me rich dolt! A rich dolt for crying out loud!”
“Try and remember what father said.”
“What you see and hear isn’t really happening?”
“No. Any publicity is good publicity. At least they’re talking about you.”
“Yes, but … she didn’t call you a rich dolt that’s profoundly clueless. I don’t know if I can take this.” He dabbed at his right eye. “I think … I think I’m going to cry.”
“Cheer up, sweetheart. Look, right here. She says you occupy one of the most powerful positions on earth.”
“Even though I’m ignorant, middling and amoral,” he finished reading the footprint and sniffed back tears.
The Tyvankanatrix frowned.
“Jared. Stop reading. Just stop. You can’t do this to yourself.”
“But I want to be like your father, to be able to lie at will, double down, and come up with an ingratiating nicknames like Nervous Nancy. Pure genius.”
“But that’s not who you are, my little Kush-Kush. I mean tall, skinny … I mean. Never mind. My father has no soul. And you’re not mean like him. It’s not in your nature. You’re an endangered species, dear.”
“You’re not helping matters.”
She smiled at him.
“I’m kidding. I love it when you flash your smug, sly, self-serving smile.”
“Sure, it tells everyone you know more than they do, even when you don’t.”
“You think so? You really do? Don’t lie to me like your dad now.”
“You don’t know how convincingly fraudulent that makes me feel. I love you, Tyvanka.”
“I love you, Kush-Kush.”
“Even when the Jillfilipovic calls me a whole lot of nothing?”
“Of course. Because you’re a whole lot of … something.”
She struggled for words, her eyes falling, finally finding the footprints, frantically skimming them. “Here, it says good thing.”
He sighed and read the full footprint.
“She says I manage to spin my utter incompetence as a good thing.”
“Jared, I know we don’t do this very often, but let’s look at the facts. You protected my father when she called him racist.”
“I did, didn’t I?”
“And you made a beautiful dodge when she pressured you on father’s whole campaign to say the Obamarus wasn’t born in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”
“And the dino abortion issue,” said Kushner, gaining confidence. “Don’t forget that. When they asked me if I supported dino abortion rights, I told them I’m here to enforce the T-Rump’s positions. His position is one that as a dino member in the Oval Dwelling we’ll work to push.”
“That was impressive. What does it even mean?”
They smiled and any other dino couple might have laughed. Not these two. They’d tried that once. Hers was a tittering lilt, his a nasal guffaw. When combined it grated nerves and threatened their social status. So, there was no laughter for them. Besides, laughter wasn’t part of the T-Rump credo. Only deriding sarcasm and verbal attacks. Laughter was for weak dinos, the second class, the caring, the vulnerable. Laughter was for losers.
Thankfully, those ‘losers’ do have a sense of humor because they aren’t profoundly clueless.
The dino judge, the Emmetsullivan, squatted upon his judicial bedrock. It was Monday morning. Following a nice, leisurely weekend dining on Denversaurus sandwiches in Hell Creek, it was back to work. First up on the docket was the matter of the Flynnhasbeen sentencing. The court case was over. The former dino national security adviser had plead guilty to lying to the Muellersavus.
The Friday deadline had come and gone, when the prosecutor for the DOJ — Dinos Open Jawed — was to provide information on three key elements to the Flynnhasbeen’s case before the Emmetsullivan would proceed with sentencing. The dino judge had left his court cave early Friday afternoon before close of biz due to the high demand for Denversaurus sandwiches. He peered out at the DOJ prosecutor, the Brandonvangrack and motioned for him to approach the rocky bench.
“What do you have for me?” asked the Emmetsullivan, his brow at the ready to furrow.
“We’re delivering footprints in the sand of the conversation the Dowderpuff had with the Flynnhasbeen’s legal dino. The Dowderpuff basically threatened the legal dino to spill the beans on what the Flynnhasbeen told the Muellersavus … if the Flynnhasbeen wanted to remain in the T-Rump’s good graces. I suppose one might call it obstruction of justice.”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“You had a Friday deadline to produce three items. I see only one. Can you count?”
“Did your little dino doggy eat your homework?”
The Brandonvangrack gulped, then feigned surprise.
“O-o-o-o-h! You mean the unsmudged footprints in the sand of the Muellersavus’ report pertaining to the Flynnhasbeen.”
“Are you talking about the public release of footprints in the sand of what the Flynnhasbeen said in conversations with the Russodino, the Sergeykislyak?”
“Right on both counts. Where, pray tell, are they?”
“Oh. Well, you see, we at the DOJ decided they were, um … irrelevant.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t believe I heard you correctly. Did you say Irrelevant?”
“Yes, your honor.”
The Emmetsullivan’s eyes narrowed.
“Do you know who I am?”
“A, uh … Milkanhoney Preservation district dino judge?”
“And I am looking at …”
“A lowly Dinos Open Jawed prosecutor looking to move up a notch on the legal dino ladder by licking the feet of the attorney dino general and T-Rump’s most significant suck-up, the Williambarr.”
“Precisely. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t ask for this information or tell you that, ahem … if you could find it in the goodness of your heart, would you so mind providing me with this. Counsel, it was an ORDER!”
The roar from the judge knocked the Brandonvangrack off his feet, sending him crashing against the cave wall, leaving a mark forever known as the Brandonvan Crack. For now, the legal dino picked himself up off the ground.
“Oh, yes. Heh-heh. Well, since you put it that way. … Perhaps now would be a good time to share the legal argument we spent 20 minutes working on but billed 20 hours for, so the Williambarr and the T-Rump wouldn’t know we spend most of the day scratching our nether regions.”
“Perhaps,” the Emmetsullivan said with a yawn.
“Here goes … The T-Rump government represents that it is not relying on any other conversations, of any dinosaur, for purposes of establishing the defendant’s guilt or determining his sentence, nor are there other conversations that are part of the sentencing record. Uh, like I said before, this is irrelevant.”
“If you say that word one more time, I will find you in contemptible, blatant stupidity.”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Now then, perhaps you missed the first day of legal dino school. It clearly states in the dino code under factors for determining sentencing in section 3553, sub-section A: the nature and circumstances of the offense and the history and characteristics of the defendant. Does that or does that not sound relevant to the Flynnhasbeen’s offense?”
“Okay, you got me. The Williambarr told me to tell you he has a problem with the interpretation of that line.”
“Oh he does, does he?”
“Yes. He said nature, circumstances, history, and characteristics are all pretty vague terms. He also said the Muellersavus never said boo about them.”
“This has nothing to do with the Muellersavus!”
The Emmetsullivan was hyperventilating but it felt good. Anything to shake up the Milkanhoney Preservation.
The dino judge’s eyeballs drilled a hole through the DOJ prosecutor.
“I know what you’re trying to do. You want to delay my court, don’t you?”
“Is it that obvious? Now I’m embarrassed. Court cases by definition drag on forever.”
“Not in my cave. I’m going to fast track this so fast you’ll be breaking bones with the Brettkavanaugh this afternoon.”
“Could, um … you just find me in contempt instead?”
“I’m warning you, counsel. Don’t mock me,” the dino judge growled.
“I’m not, your honor. That glare you just drilled into my brain … well, I must confess, I’ve seen the light. I’ve had my Michaelcohen moment. I – I miss working for the Muellersavus. I really do. I miss the respect, the integrity, the – the common sense. If you find me in contempt, I may lose my career as a legal dino but at least I can sleep at night. I’m tired of this assault on our institutions. You know, the assault the Williambarr says isn’t happening?”
The Emmetsullivan’s hard face softened.
“Well, you’re no Emmetflood — he exited stage left rather gracefully … but maybe I can help you.”
The dino judge locked eyes with him.
“I know you’re better than this. No former Muellersavus legal dino deserves this fate. You need to recuse yourself from this case because of a conflict of interest.”
“With the Flynnhasbeen?”
“No. With the Williambarr. His obvious politically motivated interference comes straight from the Oval Dwelling. This clash of the separation of powers is unprecedented. We are on the very cusp of a Continental Footprint Crisis!”
“Don’t you see? The DOJ is choking the system. An impeachment case against the Williambarr can only be a week or two away. Meanwhile, you go tell the attorney dino general that in addition to the two aforementioned items, I’ll be needing one more thing.”
“Can you do that?”
The dino judge shrugged.
“Why not? The Williambarr has been making up the rules as he goes along. My truth and justice ultimately lies in the real court. The court of public opinion.”
The Muellersavus took one last look at Impeachment Pond. It shimmered in the late afternoon sun, begging dinosaurs of any stripe to stop and dip their feet in its cool, cleansing waters. But were they? The ever-present Muellersavus had skirted the pond for too long, studying instead the troubled waters feeding into the pond, tributaries finally settling in a slough of mystery and wonder.
Some dinos called a dip in Impeachment Pond the cure for what ails you. A golden opportunity to put things right. But the Muellersavus knew in his heart it was not his call to make. He could only bring dinos so far. It was not his decision to make them drink. He turned to the other dinos.
And with a wave of his short arm, he departed toward the sunset.
The Nancypelosi’s gaze followed him.
“Where’s he going?”
“He’s done,” said the Adamschiff. “He said all he had to say.”
“22 months,” said the Jerrynadler. “That’s a lot of footprints in the sand. And dare I say you’re looking at the only dinos who read them.”
The three veteran Donkeykongrus dinos stood on the bank, looking over Impeachment Pond and the 50 dinos having taken the plunge. 50 dinos whose eyes fixated upon the Nancypelosi and her steady, stern gaze. She was hesitant about joining them.
The Coreybooker caught her eye.
“We have a legal and moral obligation to be in here,” he said.
The Buddhajudge held his hands a foot apart.
“You’re this close to Impeachment, Nancy. Into the pond, out of the swamp.”
“I – I want to thank you for not pushing me.”
“C’mon, girl,” the Kamalaharris urged her on. “Just another step. You can do it.”
“I take back what I just said.”
“Just so we’re clear, everyone,” the Elizabethwarren shouted. “I was here first!”
“No you weren’t,” said the Rashidatlaib. “We’ve been in here for two months. Haven’t we, guys?”
She and the Alexandriaocasiocortez, the Ilhanomar, the Ayannapresley, the Filemonvela and the Jaredhuffman all hooted and hollered, waving to the other dinos.
“You all are just gettin’ your feet wet.”
All eyes turned to the Algreen.
“We’ve been treading water for two-and-a-half years. Ain’t that right, guys?”
His hearty group raised their short arms in triumph, punching the air. They included the Stevecohen, the Marciafudge and the Adrianoespaillat.
“Nancy.” It was the Kirstengillibrand. “The Muellersavus led us here. We have the authority to take this leap of faith when he could not. It’s what he wanted. For us.”
“She’s right,” said the Betosaurus. “I’ve been here for ten days. It just looks like I’m sinking.”
Head down, the Nancypelosi paced along the bank.
“I’m still investigating. I want to go where the facts take me.”
“And here you are,” said the Berniesanders. “We are all here thanks to the T-Rump. Let’s talk accountability. Gee, I wonder how we can thank him.”
The pond rippled with it’s occupants’ laughter.
“Heck,” said the Ericswalwell, “while we’re at it, we should, ahem … thank the attorney dino general Williambarr as well.”
The Sethmoulton splashed the water.
“I second that emotion.”
“Nancy.” It was the Veronicaescobar. “I know that if you were in here with the rest of us, you’d see that we cannot tolerate this level of obstruction. Ow! Speak of the devil, I just stubbed my toe on another one.”
“I hear you,” said the Joeneguse. “There’s a pattern of obstruction here.”
“Feels like a stonewall to me,” said the Dianadegette.
“Julian,” Nancy asked the Juliancastro. “Why are you in there?”
“It’s perfectly reasonable.”
“Hmm,” she replied. “I’d still like to speak with the Donmcgahn.”
“That’s why I’m in here!” said the Davidcicilline.
“Me too!” said the Markpocan.
The Johnyarmuth eyed the Nancypelosi with a smirk.
“Face it. Your joining us is going to be inevitable.”
“That logic is pretty overwhelming at this point,” echoed the Jamieraskin.
“It’s a hard fact,” said the Valdemings. “You’ve run out of options.”
The Nancypelosi maintained her stiff upper lip.
“I want to do what’s right. What gets results.”
“Jump in the lake already!” came the voice of some dinosaur far off in the bushes awoken from his nap.
She ignored the intrusion and repeated herself.
“What gets results.”
“You want results?” It was the short, squat, smiling Mikequigley. “When you looked the other way. I jumped in. Hah! Beat ya! Number 51, baby!”
It was too much for the Nancypelosi. Young whipper-snappers, she muttered to herself. New progressive dinos. Well, they’d just have to wait. She was still cold to the idea. She turned on her heels and slowly ambled off after the Muellersavus.
A worried, jittery Jerrynadler and the wistful Adamschiff looked after her.
“Don’t worry, Jerry. She’ll come around.” The Adamschiff cast an eye toward Impeachment Pond. “C’mon, let’s test those waters. Last one in is a T-Rump Dump!”
The Stephenmillerus peered out at the overflowing dino crowd and frowned. He had a bad feeling about this. The Tyrumposaurus had wanted to do yet another vanity roadshow to augment his base with any middle-of-the-rock and left-leaning dinos.
But here at the biggest Feminist Movement in the Milkanhoney Preservation? The air was thick with estrogen. Thanks to two huge female groups, each 5000 strong. There was the cramped, angst-ridden Give Men Pause with Menopause. And of course, in light of recent events, there was Get Crackin’!, a pro-abortion group vowing to drop their eggs at any time during the three-to-six month gestation period.
Now there’s a win-win situation, thought the Stephenmillerus. If illegally migrated Latinonachos did manage to hatch any eggs, we’ll be right there to snatch their dino tots away from them.
The T-Rump sauntered onto the stage. Two dinos clapped, then stopped when they realized this wasn’t the warm-up act. A dino in the front row rose from her squat.
“What are you even doing here?”
“Wow. Tough crowd. I promise you it’ll get better. Greetings, ladies. Don’t worry, I’ll behave. I don’t want you all to get upset like that Megynkelly, bleeding from her eyes, bleeding from wherever.”
Shock and awe from the audience. Boos and angry hisses filled the air.
Behind the T-Rump, off to the side, the Kellyanneconvixway squatted, resolute, almost regal, like a prom queen waiting for some dino to ask her to dance.
“Sexist!” came a loud cry from the crowd, wiping Kellyanne’s smile from her face.
“I can’t believe this!”
She rose from her squat and strode to the T-Rump’s side.
“Listen to yourselves! Just listen. How dare you boo the leader of the Dino Nation. Where were you when the Timkaine interrupted a female debate moderator? That’s right. Interrupted. Now that was sexist.”
The apples and oranges gender-switch threw the women in the audience off-guard. The Kellyanneconvixway took this as instant victory. She motioned for the T-Rump to continue as she returned to her squat.
“Thank you, Kellyanne.” He gave the audience a smug grin. “Now then, where were we? Oh, yes. Whenever it hits, menopause or abortion, you know you love me. All the women love me. Well, maybe not the Rosieodonnell … or the Carlyfiorina. But I mean, c’mon … Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?”
Fresh, loud boos and yells from the crowd. Jaws snapped. Nostrils flared. Several dinos were foaming at the mouth. Some respectfully headed for the exits before they did something they’d regret. Menopause does affect each dino differently. Kellyanne scampered back beside her boss.
“Hey! Where are you going? Have you no respect? You can’t just leave. That – that … whatever you just heard, that wasn’t sexist. Remember the Maziehirono verbally attacking the Brettkavanaugh–”
Boos drowned her out at the mention of the new conservative Supreme Dino Court judge. It was an ominous warning that female dinos may be forced to hatch any and all of their eggs. The Kellyanneconvixway gave the women her tired, put-upon look guaranteed to draw a response of silent, wide-eyed incredulity.
“Ladies,” she said in her favourite condescending tone. “The Brettkavanaugh did not physically attack the Christineblaseyford. Traumatic experience. Great memory. Wrong face. So, while you’re sitting there, hatching any of your dozen eggs, just remember it was the Maziehirono who was sexist. Maziehirono. Sexist.”
She glared at them for good measure, then gripped the arm of the T-Rump, signalling he was good to go.
“You ladies are sure ramped up tonight. I see that look in your eyes. That heat of the moment anger that says you smell blood. My blood. Say, I could make some moolah-moolah off this. Two moolah-moolah leaves to smell my blood. Reminds me of the last time I saw the Mikabrezinski. She was bleeding badly from a face lift. Craned her neck too high. Very sad.”
The crowd erupted with howls and screams. The ladies were livid. Several rushed the stage but their short legs were unable to scale the rocks to reach the T-Rump. The Kellyanneconvixway was having none of it.
“Oh, come on. You think that’s sexist? What about … That’s right. It’s What About Time. Already. What about the Coreybooker? Don’t look at me like that, 10,000 female dinos. You do remember. All of you. The Coreybooker had the gall, the unmitigated audacity to announce he was running for leader of the Dino Nation when there were already women in the primary field. How about that, ladies? Can you believe it? Can you? Out and out sexism!”
“He’s coming!” hissed the Linseygraham. “Quick! Everyone, hide! And wait for my signal.”
A dozen dinos scurried for cover in the Oval Dwelling behind large rocks and piles of discarded Cheezbuggabuggas and soggy Dietcoker leaves.
The Tyrumposaurus sauntered into the cave humming some raunchy Pornodactyl dance number. He stopped in his tracks.
“Linsey? What are you doing here?”
“T-Rump. It’s time.”
“Time for what?”
The Linseygraham gulped. How did you tell the most powerful dinosaur in the world that he needed an intervention? Like two Skunkasaurae making love. Very carefully.
“Uh, time I paid you a visit to point out … not only that you’re very calm and an extremely stable genius … but that what the Donkeykongrus are doing to you … well, they’re just trying to destroy you and your family.”
“They are, aren’t they? Well, me anyway.”
“And I’m concerned about the terrible toll it’s taking on you and the, uh … affect …”
“Nothing affects me.”
“Okay then. The, uh … ominous outgrowth of …”
“Linsey, my bone spurs are just a ruse.”
“But the Nancypelosi isn’t.”
The T-Rump’s double-blink and triple-flinch wasn’t lost on the Linseygraham. He had work to do. Lots of it. There were too many fine careers of good ol’ Grandoldparty dinos riding on this.
“I hate that woman,” growled the T-Rump.
“Send in the clowns,” Linsey remarked. “Foreign clowns.” Foreign was such a tough cue to work in on the fly. “I said foreign.”
The Larrykudlow finally ventured out from behind a rock.
“Larry?” said the T-Rump. “You’ve been here the whole time?”
“Just wrestling with another Tarrifraptor. You’ve given me so many. Yet you remain so very calm because you are the extremely stable genius here, there, everywhere. If I may digress from your loftiness …”
This was going to be a long intervention, thought the Linseygraham. His frantic eyes told the Larrykudlow to move it along.
“Foreign, yes. Your foreign trips, T-Rump.”
“Japa-yama-haha and Europa?”
“You remembered. Nicely done. But I’m sorry, you see, we — that is, Linsey and I — we need you to stay right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation, to tend to the home fires of course.”
“But we don’t make fires.”
“We don’t know how to do a lot of things but we’ll learn. From you, our extremely stable genius.”
“It is to legislate,” came the crisp cry from the Linseygraham.
“Not now,” said the T-Rump. “Can’t you see I’m on executive time?”
The Mercedeschlapp appeared.
“Impeccable timing, Mercedes,” said the T-Rump with a sly smile.
“Oh, T-Rump, it’s so good to see how very calm you are and I’m sure you’re still the extremely stable genius you’ve always been because, well … you of all dinos should know there are dinos on the other side of the path that can indeed legislate and investigate at the very same time. I mean, we can’t stop everything.”
“Oh, yes we can. Do. Nothing.”
“You’re doing my job for me,” said the Linseygraham. No dino appeared. The Linseygraham raised his voice. “What he said.”
Out popped the Huckabeecyclops.
“Oh, T-Rump, you beat-back-the-ladies dino. You’re so calm even when I know you want to reach out and smack me. You’re the extremely stable genius I can’t take my one eye off of. It’s a big, big, bigly eye looking out for you.”
“Huckabee!” snapped the Linseygraham.
The T-Rump nodded to her.
“Huckabee, tell everyone here that the Donkeykongrus cannot walk and chew gum at the same time.”
“Oh, but they can. But that’s not the real reason I’m here.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
She gave him a sorrowful, tug-on-the-heart-strings, pitiful look of despair.
“So? That’s what I’m paying you for.”
She looked at the Linseygraham and then back to her boss.
“I – I need to make you believe. The Donkeykongrus are not the Do Nothing Party. We are. The Donkeykongrus are getting everything done while we just … squat here.”
A scowl spread across the T-Rump’s lips.
“It’s enough to make you say the ‘I’ word,” said the Linseygraham.
“Aha!” said the T-Rump. This is an intervention, isn’t it?”
“No, this is a campaign rally stop. With only your closest sycophants.”
The Kellyanneconvixway appeared.
“Oh, esteemed calm leader of most extreme stable geniusness. That’s my alternative fact of the day. I made it up just for you because you and I both know it drives my husband crazy.”
“You want it, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. Who wouldn’t?”
“The ‘I’ word, that is.”
“Impeachment, you dirty old dino. And please tell me you don’t want to be impeached because I want to lead you in your next campaign. Please, please, please.”
“That next campaign could mean war,” said the Linseygraham.
The Mikepompeo and Johnbolton promptly rolled on the ground across the cave in a dino brawl with short arms grappling and tails flapping, churning up clouds of dust.
“Very calm!” the Mikepompeo yelled between blows.
“Extremely stable genius!” hollered the Johnbolton.
Out the doorway the two dinos rolled without another intervening word.
“Ha,” said the Linseygraham, “Look on the bright side. No investigation there.”
The Seanhannity bounced onto the scene.
“T-Rump, ol’ calm buddy, ol’ extremely stable genius pal. Good to see you. Hey, I just wanted to say that, uh … well, you know those investigations into your moolah-moolah at the Mazars and on the banks of the River Deutsche? Well, uh … those investigations, they, um … appear to be moving right along. Boom, tickety boom. Just saying. It’ll get worse, so feel free to call me.”
“But Lordy,” said the Linseygraham, “give us hope.”
“Hope?” said the T-Rump. “Oh, god, let it be the Hopehicksbagotrix.”
Blank stares from the female dinos. But it was another dino who emerged into view.
“Lewandowski?” said the mildly perturbed T-Rump.
“Good to see how calm you’ve remained since birth with your extremely stable genius still as stable as the rock that’s as dumb as the Saveyourenergyrex. I’m here … well, I’m here to let you know that I too was after Hope once, and then the Robporter was and now, well, it’s the Donkeykongrus turn. But it’s not what you think. So, don’t worry. You’ll get over it. … Okay, so I still think of her from time to time. That dazzling smile …”
The Linseygraham could see it was time to play his trump card on the T-Rump.
“My, my, this has been a torture test, hasn’t it?”
All heads turned a wary eye to the next dino to arrive on the scene.
“You’re calmer than an upside down pig in mud’n manure and you’re so extreme, so stable, so genius that I feel like a dog-eared country bumpkin squattin’ here in front of you. With that in mind, T-Rump, I want you to know that I’ve always been one to take one for the team.”
“Great, Hogan. That’s just great.”
“T-Rump,” interrupted the Linseygraham. “Now, I’ll admit I called in Hogan because you’ve been, uh … just a wee bit, shall we say … stressed … lately? Hogan will help you release that pent up frustration. Won’t you, Hogan?”
“I sure will. Cuz I’m your whippin’ dino, boss.”
“Oh, I would never whip you, Hogan. Not in a million years.”
We’ll see about that, thought the Linseygraham.
“Okay,” said the Hogangidley. “Here goes. You engaged in a cover up, threw a temper tantrum and hoo-boy, I pray for you.”
He then mercifully closed his eyes as the T-Rump’s eyes went bright red and proverbial smoke erupted from his ears. Tail lash after tail lash rained down on the poor, defenseless Hogangidley.
“Ouch! Thank you, thank you … Ow! That’s better … Ouch! Thank you, thank you …”
While the other dinos turned away from the dino debacle, the Linseygraham could only frown. A T-Rump intervention. Worst idea ever. He sighed, wondering to himself. Why won’t some dino — any dino — schedule an intervention for me?
Slurp. Slurp. Lick. Lick. Slurp. Lick.
Tongues wagged, saliva dripped and the mass exfoliation continued upon the Tyrumposaurus’ soiled, stinky feet. It was the daily foot-licking session in the Oval Dwelling. The Stephenmillerus, the Mickmulvaney, the Linseygraham, the Jimjordan and the Markmeadows were all in attendance, wet dino tongues at the ready.
The group was on it’s second go-around of the T-Rump’s left foot when another Grandoldparty dino’s shadow darkened the doorway.
“Hmmph,” said the T-Rump. “Justin-the-Amash. I know you’re not here to lick my feet.”
“No, I prefer washing by hand. I just wanted to let you all know … I’ve been to the mountain. And I have a dream. Oops. Sorry, wrong speech.”
The other dinos in the cave eyed him queerly. Justin-the-Amash was an Apostolic dino from the sacred Flakes-of-Kellogg region of Michigonia. They knew him to be the most conservative dino. He cleared his throat.
“I’ve come back from Mount Sigh’n Cry. I’ve seen the footprints! The 10 Muellersavus footprints. I went over them for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s four days per footprint. Have any of you even spent one second looking at one footprint?”
There were uncomfortable coughs followed by obligatory mumbling and yammering all around. The other dinos stared off into different corners of the cave, unable to look their visitor in the face. All except for the T-Rump of course.
“I am very, very proud that I can’t, I mean … don’t read.” He frowned. “You’ve got everybody’s attention now. Go ahead, tell us what you saw.”
Justin-the-Amash became starry, glassy and wide-eyed all at the same time. His long tail was ramrod straight. Indeed, he appeared to be having a religious experience.
“It was a revelation. A revelation I must finally shout long and loud to the masses. First, the epistolary …”
“The what?” asked the T-Rump.
“Footprints in the sand,” the Stephenmillerus said, leaning towards his boss. Justin-the-Amash stared down the T-Rump.
“There are ten, count’em, TEN examples of you obstructing justice.”
The other dinos withdrew in shock, like they’d just had a short arm bitten off. This couldn’t be happening. Sure, Justin-the-Amash had been a regular critic of the T-Rump but … This. Was. Huge.
“It is clear the Williambarr intended to hoodwink the dinos about the Muellersavus’ analysis and findings. The Williambarr’s misrepresentations were significant but often subtle, sleight-of-hand qualifications or logical fallacies which he hoped dinos wouldn’t notice.”
Each word from Justin-the-Amash was like a poke in the ribs to his stunned audience. It would get worse. The Mickmulvaney had already curled into the fetal position.
“The T-Rump’s conduct has violated the public trust. He has engaged in specific actions and has shown a pattern of behavior for high crimes and misdemeanors. A crime does not have to be committed. The requirement is only to find that an official dino has engaged in careless, abusive, corrupt, or otherwise dishonorable conduct. But allow me to continue with my revelation.”
The other dinos leaned forward with rapt attention. Grandoldparty dinos were always up for a good revelation. Two years of half-baked strategies, hail-mary passes and abrupt stonewalling had sapped their imaginations. Justin-the-Amash’s eyes gathered in his audience.
“Dinos, if this behavior from the T-Rump continues, we’re talking about the Apocalypse. That’s right. Dino extinction.”
The dinos shuddered. The Mickmulvaney pulled his hand from his mouth.
“Then there’s the prophetic.”
“Who’s pathetic?” asked the T-Rump.
“Prophetic. It begins with the Mitchgetbacktowork in the Kongrus Kave, reading a footprint in the sand to the Gang of Eight. He describes a series of prophetic visions. First there’s the Seven-Headed Subpoenasaurus. Then there’s the Serpent and the Beast. That’s you and the Williambarr. Finally, this culminates in …”
Justin-the-Amash stopped, fixing his gaze on the leader of the dino nation. The T-Rump looked around the room.
“Would someone puh-lease tell me what the hell he’s talking about?”
Even the Stephenmillerus couldn’t bring himself to say the word. The other dinos had long since buried their heads. The Mickmulvaney was reduced to whimpering lullabies his mother taught him.
“T-Rump,” said Justin-the-Amash. “You have engaged in impeachable conduct. Impeachable. Need I remind you, our Continental Footprint is brilliant and awesome; it deserves a dino leader to match it.”
The T-Rump jumped from his squat.
“Impeachment!? Justin-the-Amash, I was never a fan of you. You’re a total lightweight. A loser!”
“Are you even listening? No, of course not. That’s why I’m making a stand right here. Right now. Who’s with me?”
He looked around the cave at the other dinos cowering in silence. Just then the Huckabeecyclops burst into the Oval Dwelling.
“What is it, Huckabee?” asked the T-Rump. “I told you we’d celebrate 10 weeks without a Mediacircustops briefing later.”
“It’s that damn Newyorktimesian dino again.”
“What fake news now?”
“They’re saying five dinos claim you and the Kushneratops engaged in suspicious activity with moolah-moolah leaves on the banks of the River Deutsche. Also, that the Kushneratops sent moolah-moolah to the Russodinos. Can you believe it? Don’t worry, boss. If they catch me outside the Oval Dwelling, I’ll make like I’m going to eat them, then deny everything.”
She turned and stomped out of the cave. The T-Rump and his followers lowered their heads somewhere between grief and consternation. Justin-the-Amash rose to leave.
“Well, my mind’s made up. You can come with me … or stay and discuss all those other investigations. How many are there now … 20?”
Justin-the-Amash left the Grandoldparty group, their tails planted firmly between their legs. He would be the first. One for truth. One for justice. One for the exodus.