Satire The T-Rump Dig

On Golden Pond …

The Muellersavus took one last look at Impeachment Pond. It shimmered in the late afternoon sun, begging dinosaurs of any stripe to stop and dip their feet in its cool, cleansing waters. But were they? …

The Muellersavus took one last look at Impeachment Pond. It shimmered in the late afternoon sun, begging dinosaurs of any stripe to stop and dip their feet in its cool, cleansing waters. But were they? The ever-present Muellersavus had skirted the pond for too long, studying instead the troubled waters feeding into the pond, tributaries finally settling in a slough of mystery and wonder.

Some dinos called a dip in Impeachment Pond the cure for what ails you. A golden opportunity to put things right. But the Muellersavus knew in his heart it was not his call to make. He could only bring dinos so far. It was not his decision to make them drink. He turned to the other dinos.

“No questions.”

And with a wave of his short arm, he departed toward the sunset.

The Nancypelosi’s gaze followed him.

“Where’s he going?”

“He’s done,” said the Adamschiff. “He said all he had to say.”

“22 months,” said the Jerrynadler. “That’s a lot of footprints in the sand. And dare I say you’re looking at the only dinos who read them.”

The three veteran Donkeykongrus dinos stood on the bank, looking over Impeachment Pond and the 50 dinos having taken the plunge. 50 dinos whose eyes fixated upon the Nancypelosi and her steady, stern gaze. She was hesitant about joining them.

The Coreybooker caught her eye.

“We have a legal and moral obligation to be in here,” he said.

The Buddhajudge held his hands a foot apart.

“You’re this close to Impeachment, Nancy. Into the pond, out of the swamp.”

“I – I want to thank you for not pushing me.”

“C’mon, girl,” the Kamalaharris urged her on. “Just another step. You can do it.”

“I take back what I just said.”

“Just so we’re clear, everyone,” the Elizabethwarren shouted. “I was here first!”

“No you weren’t,” said the Rashidatlaib. “We’ve been in here for two months. Haven’t we, guys?”

She and the Alexandriaocasiocortez, the Ilhanomar, the Ayannapresley, the Filemonvela and the Jaredhuffman all hooted and hollered, waving to the other dinos.

“You all are just gettin’ your feet wet.”

All eyes turned to the Algreen.

“We’ve been treading water for two-and-a-half years. Ain’t that right, guys?”

His hearty group raised their short arms in triumph, punching the air. They included the Stevecohen, the Marciafudge and the Adrianoespaillat.

“Nancy.” It was the Kirstengillibrand. “The Muellersavus led us here. We have the authority to take this leap of faith when he could not. It’s what he wanted. For us.”

“She’s right,” said the Betosaurus. “I’ve been here for ten days. It just looks like I’m sinking.”

Head down, the Nancypelosi paced along the bank.

“I’m still investigating. I want to go where the facts take me.”

“And here you are,” said the Berniesanders. “We are all here thanks to the T-Rump. Let’s talk accountability. Gee, I wonder how we can thank him.”

The pond rippled with it’s occupants’ laughter.

“Heck,” said the Ericswalwell, “while we’re at it, we should, ahem … thank the attorney dino general Williambarr as well.”

The Sethmoulton splashed the water.

“I second that emotion.”

“Nancy.” It was the Veronicaescobar. “I know that if you were in here with the rest of us, you’d see that we cannot tolerate this level of obstruction. Ow! Speak of the devil, I just stubbed my toe on another one.”

“I hear you,” said the Joeneguse. “There’s a pattern of obstruction here.”

“Feels like a stonewall to me,” said the Dianadegette.

“Julian,” Nancy asked the Juliancastro. “Why are you in there?”

“It’s perfectly reasonable.”

“Hmm,” she replied. “I’d still like to speak with the Donmcgahn.”

“That’s why I’m in here!” said the Davidcicilline.

“Me too!” said the Markpocan.

The Johnyarmuth eyed the Nancypelosi with a smirk.

“Face it. Your joining us is going to be inevitable.”

“That logic is pretty overwhelming at this point,” echoed the Jamieraskin.

“It’s a hard fact,” said the Valdemings. “You’ve run out of options.”

The Nancypelosi maintained her stiff upper lip.

“I want to do what’s right. What gets results.”

“Jump in the lake already!” came the voice of some dinosaur far off in the bushes awoken from his nap.

She ignored the intrusion and repeated herself.

“What gets results.”

“You want results?” It was the short, squat, smiling Mikequigley. “When you looked the other way. I jumped in. Hah! Beat ya! Number 51, baby!”

It was too much for the Nancypelosi. Young whipper-snappers, she muttered to herself. New progressive dinos. Well, they’d just have to wait. She was still cold to the idea. She turned on her heels and slowly ambled off after the Muellersavus.

A worried, jittery Jerrynadler and the wistful Adamschiff looked after her.

“Don’t worry, Jerry. She’ll come around.” The Adamschiff cast an eye toward Impeachment Pond. “C’mon, let’s test those waters. Last one in is a T-Rump Dump!”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s