Satire The T-Rump Dig

Filler Words …

The Ricksantorum looked across the flat rock at the hard-staring Mediacircustops dinos before him. There was the deep-digging Andersoncooper, the legal expert Lauracoates and the Davidgergen, he of four-dino-regime fame. …

The Ricksantorum looked across the flat rock at the hard-staring Mediacircustops dinos before him. There was the deep-digging Andersoncooper, the legal expert Lauracoates and the Davidgergen, he of four-dino-regime fame. Seven years previous, the Ricksantorum had battled for Grandoldparty leadership of the free-running dino world against the Mittromney, eventually crying wolf and not much more when he got his at some nondescript Gettysburg address.

The Ricksantorum was now reduced to playing a steady role as defender of the Tyrumposaurus or hinging the unhinged as it were, for the main path Mediacircustops, who prided themselves on presenting both sides of the story as opposed to the typical Foxsquawkbox dino who had long since become the T-Rump’s Trumpeter Swamp Swan.

“We’re surprised to see you here, Rick,” said the Andersoncooper. “The Davidgergen said he’d take a flying leap in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir if you had the nerve to show.”

“You’re too old to fly, leap or swim,” the Ricksantorum said with a nervous laugh.

“And here you are,” said Anderson, “the very day after the T-Rump says to the dino world that it is a-okay to receive dirt on your opponent from a foreign dino nation, the November Battle dino chair, the Ellenweintraub left footprints in the sand saying, let me make something 100% clear to the Milkanhoney Preservation and any dino running for a public post: It is illegal for any dino to solicit, accept, or receive anything of value from a foreign dino in connection with our November Battles. … Oh,” said Anderson. “And she added, this is not a novel concept. … Oh, and this too, I would not have thought that I needed to say this.”

The Andersoncooper eyed the Ricksantorum warily.

“I don’t know which leaves me more incredulous, this audacious — illegal act — being promoted by the T-Rump or your sitting across from me ready to, dare I say, defend it?”

“Well, actually, Anderson, the explanation is easy. Look, the president throws terms maybe … uh, he has sort of as we all do … we have filler words that we throw out there … and … that, that don’t mean what they say like, you know, I think.”

“I think?” said Anderson. “So the T-Rump is just saying … I think?”

“Pretty much.”

“I think I’m going to go throw up a Turkeysaurus. Filler words, you say. Wow. That’s a new one. You didn’t get that from the Kellyanneconvixway, did you?”

“Oh, no. I came up with this on my own.”

“You know, Rick,” said the Lauracoates, “I’m pretty sure the dino court judges are not going to buy your argument of, ahem … filler words … when the impeachment inquiry comes down the pike any day now. It begs the question that, if the T-Rump throws out these filler words, as you say we all do, perhaps you can enlighten us as to what he was really trying to say when he spoke of wanting to rip baby dinos from their mothers’ arms at the Great Tex-Mex Divide …”

“Well, uh … you see …”

“Or when he said there were good dinos on both sides of the Charlottesville Divide.”

“Uh, um, I suppose …”

“And what about throwing all his Langleyops dinos under the Priebusunderbus at Smelstinki at the smelly, stinky feet of the Putinodon? More filler words you say?”

“Okay, okay. He uses filler words to … Fill. His. Sentences. They don’t make rhyme or reason. They just … fill in the sentence. There, I said it. Sheesh! Are you happy now?”

There was tittering and giggling on the stage between the Mediacircustops at the Ricksantorum’s latest failed attempt to explain away the T-Rump’s third crisis of the day. The other two were waiting off stage.

The Kellyanneconvixway and the Huckabeecyclops watched the Mediacircustops intently. Kellyanne nudged her one-eyed colleague.

“Have you heard the latest?”

“No, what?”

“The Hatch Act …”

“You’re pregnant again?!  Oh, Kellyanne! I’m so happy for you! You’re going to lay an egg!”

“No, no. It’s not that.”

The Huckabeecyclops hadn’t briefed the Mediacircustops on Oval Dwelling matters for 94 days and had long since lost interest in keeping up with politics, laws and all things Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir. Kellyanne tried explaining.

“The Hatch, it …”

The Huckabeecyclops froze, no longer paying attention to what Kellyanne was saying. Hatchet? Ohmigod. He’s firing me. The T-Rump is letting me go. It’s those 94 days. I know it is. I should’ve said something. Anything. But I couldn’t. Those were the orders. His orders. Damn it.

“Huckabee?” asked Kellyanne. “Is something wrong?”

The Huckabeecyclops could only leer back at her. That smug, little fussbudget. That’s her, alright. Get the news from the T-Rump. No Mediacircustops. No Trollertweety. The little Lizardface has to come and tell me herself … so she can revel in my pain. We’ll see about that!

“Don’t,” she said to the Kellyanneconvixway with a killer look in her eye. “Just don’t.”

The Huckabeecyclops stormed past her and onto the flat rock to squat beside the Andersoncooper. She glared at the Ricksantorum.

“Rick, take a hike. Filler words. Hmmph. You’re an embarrassment to the Grandoldparty.”


His face froze as her eyes narrowed. His mother told him about female dinos with narrowing eyes. He quickly exited stage left.

“The Huckabeecyclops,” said the Andersoncooper. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“I wish it was under better circumstances, Anderson. I’m here to tell you I’ve been axed. Canned. Dirted down the road.”

“Do tell.”

The Kellyanneconvixway rushed up behind her.


“Still trying to steal the spotlight, are you? Go! Get away from me!”

With that, her long tail lashed out, following through and launching the petite Kellyanne into a deep shrub of Thornberries some forty yards away.

God that felt good, she thought. I can only ask myself … why did I wait so long? She turned back to Anderson.

“I lied.”

“We know.”

“No, I really lied.”

“We really know.”

“The Mueller Report finally got me. But that was just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve been lying so long it feels like the truth to me. Honest.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y. But Huckabee, why are you coming clean now? Is it the guilt? A clearing of your conscience perhaps? Concern for your family?”

“I’m not so much coming clean, Anderson … as I am ready to embark on my next career.”

“As …”

“Oh, I’m sure you can guess. For a dino like me who’s fibbed enough to impress even the exalted T-Rump.”

“Wait, are you talking about a career in … politics?”

“I’m going to be the best damn governor behind a little rock in Arkansas.”

“Oh, I’m sure they’ll see you for who you are. Say, while we have you here, any comments on the federal dinos saying the Kellyanneconvixway should be removed because of the Hatch Act?”

Her eyes went wide.

“Did you say … Hatch Act?

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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