Satire The T-Rump Dig

D-Day Disaster …

The Lauraingraham shifted her slim hips on her rocky seat in heightened anticipation. A sly grin crossed her lizard lips. Things couldn’t be more perfect. Here she was, squatting with the Tyrumposaurus on the 75th anniversary of the great Dino Day invasion. …

The Lauraingraham shifted her slim hips on her rocky seat in heightened anticipation. A sly grin crossed her lizard lips. Things couldn’t be more perfect. Here she was, squatting with the Tyrumposaurus on the 75th anniversary of the great Dino Day invasion. On these hallowed grounds, tens of thousands of allied dinosaurs invaded Normandia to push back the overzealous Nazisaurae’s quest for dino dominance.

This was the T-Rump’s 55th interview with the Foxsquawkbox dinos. That was 55 more than he’d had with that other Mediacircustops outlet catering to the Andersoncoopers and Jimacostas of the dino world.

The Lauraingraham looked over the T-Rump’s shoulder at the stunning backdrop, a dinosaur burial ground that 75 years had done little to change. Skeletal remains protruded from the ground as far as the eye could see, a vivid reminder of the courage, the discipline, the massive scope of the endearing principles these fallen warriors displayed so that all dinos could be free to live in harmony.

“So glad you could join me, T-Rump. Great weather, huh?”

“Yes. I understand the Dino-Day invasion was delayed by a day because of poor weather but … not for me! I’m here so the weather is outstanding.”

“Have you enjoyed your visit thus far with the royal dino, the Elizabethantwo?”

“Fantastic. Automatic chemistry, I tell you. Auto-matic. I’m the carbon. She’s the oxygen.”

“I believe that makes carbon monoxide.”

“Great chemistry. We need more of it. She took one look at me and fell right into line. She has never had a better time than this time she’s had with me. Never before. Just don’t tell the Tymelania, okay? I’ve really got to look into this royal dino thing. There’s something to it. We wouldn’t have to deal with any more term limits, would we?”

“Afraid not. T-Rump, the Great Tex-Mex Divide remains your number one priority and three years later those left-wing radical Donkeykongrus remain incredibly slow on the uptake. Do you think that siccing five Tariffraptors on the Mexicodinos will do the trick?”

“Laura, you don’t know how badly I want to shout, Release the Tariffraptors!”

“Oh, my. T-Rump. You made my skin crawl. In a good way.”

“I have that effect on dinos. The Tariffraptor is such a beautiful dino. No, Laura, I just did the math this morning so the fake news Mediacircustops will of course get it wrong — but the migrating Latinonachos killed 100,000 dinos and ruined one million dino families. Don’t bother looking it up. You won’t find it. Just trust me on this.”

“Of course we do, T-Rump. Anything you want to get off your chest as we sit here looking over this vast memorial to dinos young and old who gave their lives so we could sit here and talk freely and frankly about the debacle that is the Donkeykongrus?”

“I didn’t come all this way for nothing. I think the Nancypelosi a disgrace. I actually don’t think she’s a talented dino. I’ve tried to be nice to her because I would’ve liked to have gotten some deals done. She’s incapable of doing deals. The thing is, she waits until I’m away from the Milkanhoney Preservation to say that I should be in the Solitary Sinkhole. Who me!? Now if I was to say anything bad about her on the dino world stage there would be major, major footprints in the sand for all dinos to see.”

“She had no right,” said the Lauraingraham. “Who does she think she is? Meanwhile you remain s-o-o-o leader-like.”

“And so I’d like to add that she’s a nasty, vindictive, horrible dino.”

“You’re on a roll, T-Rump. I’m just going to sit back and let you carry on as only you can.”

“Thank you. Now I know a month ago I said the long awaited Muellersavus footprints in the sand were gospel … but I take it all back.”

“Taking it all back,” she echoed. “Okay. Memory erase. Back track. Square one.”

“Because I can. Let’s remember where I was, ahem … before I misspoke. The Muellersavus and his 13 angry, horrible Donkeykongrus were totally biased against me. Totally. He even had to straighten out his testimony because his testimony was wrong.”

“Which is why you didn’t read it, T-Rump. Of course. You knew it was wrong all along. Never trust the boy scout dino when it’s the grifter dino in you that spots the mistakes. Enough admiring the landscape. The masses need a Cryingchuck blast, oh, esteemed leader of all things condescending.”

“You sounded there like you were treating me as royalty. Keep it up. Yes, the Cryingchuck is a disaster. He’s a total political, you know, jerk. Oh, before I forget. Just so you know, I’m actually holding up the Dino Day activities — they’re putting everything on hold so I can do your show. But that’s because I’m here with you. Congratulations on how popular you are. With me here. You and me.

“Uh … that came out of nowhere. T-Rump, as we look around during this solemn memorial, could you tell the dinos across the world what you pray for?”

“Of course. I pray for piece. You know, a piece of the action? Our dinos have to be in fighting shape. I’m responsible for putting the pieces in place there. And a piece of the moolah-moolah leaves that drive our strong dino nation. I want a big piece, I mean … I’m taking care of that too.”

“You’re the biggest, T-Rump. The best. I want to say a big thank you for visiting with us today.”

“Okay, did I say they’re holding things up for me?”

“Twice. You’ve made our day here so very special. Thanks again, T-Rump.”

The T-Rump rose and exited stage left. The Lauraingraham waited until he was out of sight. She turned to her audience of 13 lonely dinos.

“Some of you may have heard the T-Rump say he held up the Dino Day activities so he could do my interview. That is patently false. Fake news. The T-Rump can lie whenever he wants except when it makes me look bad!”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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