The dino judge, the Emmetsullivan, squatted upon his judicial bedrock. It was Monday morning. Following a nice, leisurely weekend dining on Denversaurus sandwiches in Hell Creek, it was back to work. First up on the docket was the matter of the Flynnhasbeen sentencing. The court case was over. The former dino national security adviser had plead guilty to lying to the Muellersavus.
The Friday deadline had come and gone, when the prosecutor for the DOJ — Dinos Open Jawed — was to provide information on three key elements to the Flynnhasbeen’s case before the Emmetsullivan would proceed with sentencing. The dino judge had left his court cave early Friday afternoon before close of biz due to the high demand for Denversaurus sandwiches. He peered out at the DOJ prosecutor, the Brandonvangrack and motioned for him to approach the rocky bench.
“What do you have for me?” asked the Emmetsullivan, his brow at the ready to furrow.
“We’re delivering footprints in the sand of the conversation the Dowderpuff had with the Flynnhasbeen’s legal dino. The Dowderpuff basically threatened the legal dino to spill the beans on what the Flynnhasbeen told the Muellersavus … if the Flynnhasbeen wanted to remain in the T-Rump’s good graces. I suppose one might call it obstruction of justice.”
“What do you mean ‘and’?”
“You had a Friday deadline to produce three items. I see only one. Can you count?”
“Did your little dino doggy eat your homework?”
The Brandonvangrack gulped, then feigned surprise.
“O-o-o-o-h! You mean the unsmudged footprints in the sand of the Muellersavus’ report pertaining to the Flynnhasbeen.”
“Are you talking about the public release of footprints in the sand of what the Flynnhasbeen said in conversations with the Russodino, the Sergeykislyak?”
“Right on both counts. Where, pray tell, are they?”
“Oh. Well, you see, we at the DOJ decided they were, um … irrelevant.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t believe I heard you correctly. Did you say Irrelevant?”
“Yes, your honor.”
The Emmetsullivan’s eyes narrowed.
“Do you know who I am?”
“A, uh … Milkanhoney Preservation district dino judge?”
“And I am looking at …”
“A lowly Dinos Open Jawed prosecutor looking to move up a notch on the legal dino ladder by licking the feet of the attorney dino general and T-Rump’s most significant suck-up, the Williambarr.”
“Precisely. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I didn’t ask for this information or tell you that, ahem … if you could find it in the goodness of your heart, would you so mind providing me with this. Counsel, it was an ORDER!”
The roar from the judge knocked the Brandonvangrack off his feet, sending him crashing against the cave wall, leaving a mark forever known as the Brandonvan Crack. For now, the legal dino picked himself up off the ground.
“Oh, yes. Heh-heh. Well, since you put it that way. … Perhaps now would be a good time to share the legal argument we spent 20 minutes working on but billed 20 hours for, so the Williambarr and the T-Rump wouldn’t know we spend most of the day scratching our nether regions.”
“Perhaps,” the Emmetsullivan said with a yawn.
“Here goes … The T-Rump government represents that it is not relying on any other conversations, of any dinosaur, for purposes of establishing the defendant’s guilt or determining his sentence, nor are there other conversations that are part of the sentencing record. Uh, like I said before, this is irrelevant.”
“If you say that word one more time, I will find you in contemptible, blatant stupidity.”
“Yes, your honor.”
“Now then, perhaps you missed the first day of legal dino school. It clearly states in the dino code under factors for determining sentencing in section 3553, sub-section A: the nature and circumstances of the offense and the history and characteristics of the defendant. Does that or does that not sound relevant to the Flynnhasbeen’s offense?”
“Okay, you got me. The Williambarr told me to tell you he has a problem with the interpretation of that line.”
“Oh he does, does he?”
“Yes. He said nature, circumstances, history, and characteristics are all pretty vague terms. He also said the Muellersavus never said boo about them.”
“This has nothing to do with the Muellersavus!”
The Emmetsullivan was hyperventilating but it felt good. Anything to shake up the Milkanhoney Preservation.
The dino judge’s eyeballs drilled a hole through the DOJ prosecutor.
“I know what you’re trying to do. You want to delay my court, don’t you?”
“Is it that obvious? Now I’m embarrassed. Court cases by definition drag on forever.”
“Not in my cave. I’m going to fast track this so fast you’ll be breaking bones with the Brettkavanaugh this afternoon.”
“Could, um … you just find me in contempt instead?”
“I’m warning you, counsel. Don’t mock me,” the dino judge growled.
“I’m not, your honor. That glare you just drilled into my brain … well, I must confess, I’ve seen the light. I’ve had my Michaelcohen moment. I – I miss working for the Muellersavus. I really do. I miss the respect, the integrity, the – the common sense. If you find me in contempt, I may lose my career as a legal dino but at least I can sleep at night. I’m tired of this assault on our institutions. You know, the assault the Williambarr says isn’t happening?”
The Emmetsullivan’s hard face softened.
“Well, you’re no Emmetflood — he exited stage left rather gracefully … but maybe I can help you.”
The dino judge locked eyes with him.
“I know you’re better than this. No former Muellersavus legal dino deserves this fate. You need to recuse yourself from this case because of a conflict of interest.”
“With the Flynnhasbeen?”
“No. With the Williambarr. His obvious politically motivated interference comes straight from the Oval Dwelling. This clash of the separation of powers is unprecedented. We are on the very cusp of a Continental Footprint Crisis!”
“Don’t you see? The DOJ is choking the system. An impeachment case against the Williambarr can only be a week or two away. Meanwhile, you go tell the attorney dino general that in addition to the two aforementioned items, I’ll be needing one more thing.”
“Can you do that?”
The dino judge shrugged.
“Why not? The Williambarr has been making up the rules as he goes along. My truth and justice ultimately lies in the real court. The court of public opinion.”