Satire The Trump Dig

Meet the Akhmetshinesia …

Another day, another dinosaur. Sometimes I think I’m the luckiest politico-paleontologist in the world. These poor dinos however, may be the unluckiest. If these bones weren’t so old, I’d consider donning a hazmat suit. The osteocollusionitis bone disease continues to run rampant, as was the case with my latest find. It’s a bone from the hard-to-find Akhmetshinesia, another Kayjeebeeops theropod. Like the Veselnitschemus, he’s directly linked to the Acheroraptor, whose name — scout’s honor — translates to “underworld thief.” The Akhmetshinesia was also known to drink at the same Trumpassic trough as the previously discovered Kasperskisaurus.

I have important new information on the cause of the osteocollusionitis outbreak. Previously thought to be an airborne illness, it actually spread in a drip, drip, drip fashion. Dinosaurs simply soaked in too much dirt together at watering holes. 

I’m also finding mud cracks in the eroding confidencia, a combustible layer of all-hail shale found in what I’m introducing as the T-Rump Tower classification. That is, top-down levels of sediment yet to be discovered.

This all gives me pause. Sometimes I have to sit back and view the situation as it must have been seen through the eyes of the Zakariaraptor, a straight-winged dinosaur with an unbiased flight plan, flying over the heart of the Trumpassic Period. The Zakariaraptor must have thought the following items frankly mystifying:

  1. Would other dinosaurs have taken that meeting at the watering hole if they’d been aware of the threat of osteocollusionitis?
  2. Were T-Rump Jr. and others simply doing opposition research on Crookadillary?
  3. In a battle day meeting with the Macronodon (a “big, enigmatic lizard” from the Champagne Beds), was it just the hot air or did T-Rump have an eye on the impending doom of climate change?
  4. With the Kushneratops’ osteocollusionitis being the most advanced, are his free-running days over? Will his safety and security receive clearance from the Yankeestadia?  These were mythical, old school dinosaurs who preyed on the Kayjeebeeops and who I’m still hoping to find.

It was that kind of day, tiring but exhilarating. My discovery of the Macronodon almost got lost in the shuffling, shifting dirt. Thank god for dirt sifters.

Satire The Trump Dig

The Smoking Bone …


LarsonFarSide_DinosaursSurely this couldn’t be. It made me recall the classic Gary Larson Far Side cartoon included here. No, the dinosaurs didn’t smoke cigarettes, so how did I come across the smoking bone? Allow me to recap this landmark day, a turning point in the Trumpassic Period. I’ve of course had no time to continue work on the Obamacarus and Economonyx, two duty-bound Dryosauridae that remain stuck in the mud.

No, there were bigger Pholidophorus* to fry.  Like the forensic unit of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I always get my bone. And we have a whopper for today. Little T-Rump Jr. gave up a big one. In his “skeleton closet” or backbone, I found a rather long goldstona emailia —  a gold-like chain of linked little bones that when combined made a great tail.

Inside these bones, I found the rampant signs of osteocollusionitis, a rare dinosaur bone disorder only found in the Trumpassic Period. These findings were confirmed by my Russian ex-pat colleague, Fedya Fibsulov.

To what extent the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir is infected remains to be seen, but after discovering and having the privilege of naming 23 new dinosaur species, this major dig is finally coming together.

 * The Pholidophorus was a teleost fish from the Triassic and Jurassic periods.

Satire The Trump Dig

GREED Links T-Rump & T-Rump Jr. …

It was another big day at the ol’ bone garden. I found five new, inexorably-linked bones. It took me all day to pull them apart. The first one was a very significant find. Hard to believe, but the Tyrumposaurus had a son. I have the honor of naming him T-Rump Jr. It was GREED that confirmed their close relation. Graduated Radiometric Extra-Epoch Dating, that is. Like his father, T-Rump Jr. was a bipedal carnivore with a massive skull balanced by a long, heavy tail. His two-clawed digits were able to get into all things DNC (Dirt Not Classified).

The four other bones were from a Kushneratops, a Manaforta, a Veselnitschemus and a Magnitskiactosaur.

The Kushneratops was a horned face herbivore originally from Maryland’s Middle River Double Bone Beds. He obviously covered a lot of real estate to arrive at this close, social position with the T-Rumps.

The Manaforta was a thick-nosed hadrosaurid from Nest Egg Mountain. He had a small, spiky crest in front of his eyes, mainly used in headbutting contests. The Manaforta was the first to feed their young while they were in the nest. It will be interesting to see if this nurturing communication kept them on the same page, er … nest.

The Veselnitschemus was a Kayjeebeeopsaean theropod from the well-preserved Siberian Salt Flats. To balance the gender of my report, I will refer to this attractive fossil as female. She was a lizard with swift hind legs, apparently capable of dumping dirt on the Crookadillary.

The Magnitskiactosaur was a three-ton, whistle-blowing penalcellpod imprisoned in Moscovian mud. Believe it or not — I call it dig-site destiny — but he appeared to be flipping his fifth finger at the other Kayjeebeeops.

How did all this find the light of day? My nagging hunch about the above was confirmed when I discovered the T-Rump Jr.’s SF86 bone had failed to form properly. It stuck out like a sore thumb in this Mesotheliomaean menagerie.

Satire The Trump Dig

Babushkas and Bugs …

Hard to believe the Tyrumposaurus is so delightfully close to the Putinodon, practically kissing the dinosaur’s sclerotic ring. That would be the ring of bone found in the dinosaur’s stoic eye. There are so many bones to sort through today. I discovered two new species, the Russodiplomatus or Russodip, a stodgy sauropod from the Late-Curmudgeon age, and the Kasperskisaurus or Kasperski, another sauropod with a socket vertebrae network.

The fossil extraction ratio today has kept me on the edge of my milk crate. For every 35 Russodip bones I pulled from the pile, I found another 150 Kasperski bones … and plenty of bugs. It’s as if the dinosaurs were trading places, all under the watchful eye of the Putinodon. I’m not surprised. The Russodip and Kasperski are both Kaygeebeeops, Sub-Family to the Family Babushkus.

I’ve set aside some new bones for tomorrow. I hope they will keep.


Satire The Trump Dig

No T-Rump Blast for Putinodon …

At times the bones beneath me read like a soap opera. The Putinodon was obviously meddling in the Milcanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump paid no mind to this however, determined instead to prey on the Obamarus, a lame, duck-billed dinosaur from Hawaii, not Kenya. In a symbolic and democratic move, the Obamarus was protecting the Donkeykongrus, ancestor to the donkey and African wild ass, hence the above confusion.

It may well be that the Obamarus, on behalf of the Donkeykongrus, was shielding the Crookadillary, a well-bred ankylosaurid dinosaur first found behind a little rock in the Arkansas Whitewater Development. A side note, ankylosaurid translates to “ankle biter.” The T-Rump had obviously had enough of that and upon narrowly defeating the Crookadillary, inexplicably did not engage with the Putinodon.

Why the T-Rump didn’t charge or at least bear its teeth — I’m still looking for those — at the Putinodon for its savage actions? It’s as if the T-Rump’s telling us, “Putinodon? Maybe, but nobody really knows for sure.” More bones to come. Bones that will tell the truth.

In closing today’s post, I wanted to note that, while these past 167 days have been a long, arduous, painstaking journey, my colleagues and I remain hopeful in finding the T-Rump whole.


Satire The Trump Dig

Amazing Geo-Political Find — The Trumpassic Period

D.M.Belisle is a political paleontologist digging into North America’s early Trumpassic Period. He’s dissecting a remarkable fossil that has fueled endless debate. The fossil is of the incredible Donaldosaurus. The name means ‘different lizard.’ It has a huge head with very sharp teeth and weighs in at 2.3 metric tons. It is big. Massive. The biggest.

This major dig promises a true grasp of these turbulent times. Belisle plans to meticulously uncover this historic find bone by bone and will be providing crucial updates in his daily analysis under the heading The Trump Dig. Follow this blog for more.