Category: The T-Rump Dig

Categories
Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Accosting Acosta …

The Alexanderacosta rued this day. He rued it as a rutabaga would rue upon learning it’s just a root. The root cause to the Alexanderacosta’s dino dilemma? The Tyrumposaurus had told him to go and clean up his mess. Pronto. That mess being a legal dino disaster he thought he’d managed to put a good eleven years behind him. Now he had to explain to the Mediacircustops why he’d given the Jeffreyepstein a suh-weetheart plea deal after the authorities had found that over a four-year period, at least three dozen young female dinos had massaged the Jeffreyepstein for non-medical reasons. It was a dino sex trafficking network and yet the Alexanderacosta had only put the Jeffreyepstein away for 13 months. Seven months technically, if you counted the 12 hours per work day he spent outside the Solitary Sinkhole.

The Alexanderacosta stepped to the flat rock podium, lifted his head … and gasped. There were only three dinos before him. But three very deadly dinos.

“The Juliebrown?”

“Hello, Alex.” She was the Mediacircustops dino who’d broken the story and knew its intricacies inside and out.

“The Eliehonig … and the Mimirocha?”

The two legal dinos nodded his way. They were two dinos not to be trifled with, however long or short their legal briefs.

The Alexanderacosta cleared his throat of a foot-long chicken bone.

“A-c-c-k-k! … Excuse me, I can never get those down. Now then, I didn’t think I’d have an audience with such experience and noted legal background. Let me begin by saying that my relationship with the T-Rump is outstanding. Okay, so, in short, this was a good deal at the time and … did I tell you that the Mickmulvaney has promised he’s going to say nothing but nice things about me. Today. For today.”

The three dinos looked at the Alexanderacosta like he had three heads.

“Oh, the details. Well, I stepped in because the Nevereverglades officials were inept. I said stop. They actually stopped. That was a shocker. Facts are being overlooked. See if you can keep up with me now. I got the Jeffreyepstein in jail when the Nevereverglades dinos were going to let him walk. I got him registered as a DIP — Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and I got him to give some moolah-moolah leaves to the girls. Twenty years, next case!”

“He didn’t get 20 years,” said the Juliebrown. “You gave him one. Barely.”

“Oh. Heh-heh. That’s right.” Think, Alex! Think! “Uh, the Nevereverglades allowed the Jeffreyepstein to self-surrender! Self-surrender! What was up with that?!”

The Juliebrown however was having none of this T-Rump-trained gas lighting.

“You might sound convincing to a dino who hasn’t read the footprints in the sand or doesn’t understand the sequence of events. But I do.”

Damn. Here it comes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by lousy legalese. The Alexanderacosta wrapped his tail around his bony knees to keep them from rattling.

“How many girls did you allow the grand dino jury to see?”

“Uh, one.”

“One girl. The thing is, you didn’t need all 36 girls. They all told the same story. It was the same M.O. over and over. It is the job of the prosecutor to make them feel secure enough so they can testify.”

“It is?”

“Did the grand dino jury ever see the Nevereverglades evidence?”

“That would be a no.”

“What about the secrecy?”

“I’m not telling. … Oh, sorry. Reflex action.”

The Juliebrown was on a roll.

“If this was such a great plea deal, why couldn’t you tell them? Instead they had to get legal dinos just so you’d talk to them. Did you really have their best interests at heart?”

“The Jeffreyepstein had seven — count’em — seven legal dinos! That’s a lotta dinosaur. I spent all my time battling them.”

The Juliebrown bared her teeth and growled.

“There were a lot of things his legal dinos were fighting for. They still wanted this to go back to the Nevereverglades, which is exactly what happened. They got what they wanted. You relented. You gave it back to the Nevereverglades. How could you? Who are you protecting?”

“The Nevereverglades were going to let him go.”

“Why?”

“Don’t ask me. I was only the Milkanhoney Preservation’s district dino attorney for the southern Nevereverglades. I know, it’s a mouthful, isn’t it? Sometimes I think I never really grew into it.”

“But why didn’t you take the case and try it in a Milkanhoney Preservation court? It’s a dino sex operation involving dino recruiters and dino schedulers and pilot dinos and driver dinos. Moolah-moolah dinos who paid the girls. That’s a dino nation sex trafficking crime. It’s an organization. You thought you were the hero and you simply kicked it back to the Nevereverglades. Why didn’t you tell the victims about the plea deal?” 

“I’m glad you asked that. Twice. Let’s see if I can recall the words of the career prosecutor. She didn’t want to share with the victims that the legal dinos were attempting to secure for them the ability to obtain moolah-moolah compensation because she’s aware that if she disclosed that and the negotiations fell through, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos would use this to question the victim’s credibility.”

“Really, Alex? There are two problems with that argument.”

“There are?”

“First of all, before the deal was at the point where the Jeffreyepstein appeared in dino court and actually was sentenced, she didn’t have to tell them there was a restitution provision. She could’ve just said we have a plea agreement and we’re working on it. Oh, and by the way, it was extremely unusual for the victim’s attorney to be hired and paid for by the Jeffreyepstein to handle these restitution cases. Can you say conflict?”

“Damn. It was that obvious, huh?”

“You don’t want to be boasting about that, pal,” said the Eliehonig.

“Second, when you got to the sentencing part of the trial, what’s your excuse then? You’re not going to trial. What’s your excuse for not telling them about the whole plea deal? You didn’t do that, either.”

This was getting bad. All his footprints in the sand were quickly turning into career-killing quicksand. Time to play the emergency card.

“Kellyanne! Where are you!?”

Like a crazed Tasmanian Devilsaurus, in swooped the whirling dervish, The Kellyanneconvixway. She stared down the fearsome threesome.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The Alexanderacosta this, the Alexanderacosta that. Why is he suddenly on trial? What about the Jeffreyepstein? Why aren’t you asking about him? Remember him? Young dino predator. Not a former party buddy of the T-Rump.”

“Shut up, Kellyanne!”

It was the Mimirocha and she wasn’t taking plea bargains.

“Back of the line. I’ve waited long enough to get at this legal lightweight.”

She turned her glare upon the dino Secretary of Labor. 

“Your excuses are nonsensical and self-serving.”

“Why, thank you. I’ll accept that with a notwithstanding.”

His smile shriveled up. All levity had left the cave long ago.

“You are a dino who utterly failed to do what you swore to do as legal dino, uphold justice. We want answers about why you gave the Jeffreyepstein special treatment. You claimed that you wanted to help his victims, but in reality, there was absolutely nothing about the Nevereverglades prosecution that would have prevented dino nation authorities from pursuing a full-throttle investigation of the Jeffreyepstein’s crimes—which clearly rose to the level of dino nation sex trafficking.”

“The bones! Remember rolling the bones? I mentioned there was a chance we could lose it all on a roll of the bones.”

“Look at me.” 

The Alexanderacosta slowly looked up at her with his dazed lizard eyes. His tongue stuck out, lolly-gagging to the side. He looked like a giant gecko on the verge of heat stroke.

“It is unfathomable that dino nation sex trafficking charges would not have been approved. And in a case this strong, the risk was minimal.”

“Victim shaming,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What did you say?”

“Uh … victim shaming?”

“Don’t even go there.” She stopped short of biting his tail off and stuffing it down his throat. “That’s an insulting excuse. At the time you decided not to prosecute the Jeffreyepstein, dozens of victims already had come forward to share what he’d done to them. Their statements were corroborated by other evidence discovered by dino investigators. The prosecutors and Langleyops dino agents amassed enough evidence to support a 82-footprints in the sand prosecution memo and a 53-footprints in the sand draft indictment for a dino nation sex trafficking case. Finally, let’s talk about the breakfast meeting.”

“Do we have to?” 

“It’s giving you indigestion, isn’t it? It should. Was this working breakfast at your legal dino cave?”

“Oh, no. It was in an out-of-the-way, hole-in-the-wall for matters kept completely in. Cog. Nee. Tow. Oops. But the substance was unimportant. Very unimportant.”

“That’s an astonishing explanation … and not what the dino judge said. He said negotiations of the secret non-prosecution deal—which the Jeffreyepstein team was adamant about keeping from the victims—was the hot topic the day of your breakfast meeting.”

The Alexanderacosta was beat. He looked like a whipped Puppysaurus. He wanted to roll over and die. But the Mimirocha wasn’t done.

“The question remains, why, Alex? Why? The job of dino prosecutors representing the Milkanhoney Preservation is to uphold the law and vindicate the victims despite these tactics. You failed at this fundamental responsibility of your position. We know the Jeffreyepstein’s motive. What was yours?

“I — I … next question.”

“Oh, it’s a question alright, Alex.” It was the Eliehonig. “And a note and then a list. Why in the world did you immunize the co-conspirators around Epstein? Could it be you’re trying to — I don’t know — protect them?”

The Alexanderacosta was beginning to crack. The Cheshire Cat grin on Elie’s face was doing him in.

“The Labor of Secretary,” he sobbed. “It’s all I ever wanted.”

“Hang in there, Alex, I’m not done yet. My buddy, the Barrykrischer, you remember him. The dino prosecutor in the Nevereverglades? He said you’re completely wrong. He said the 53-footprint indictment was abandoned after secret negotiations between you and the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos. Now why was that?”

“We only had the weekend?

“Wrong again. You had all the time in the world.”

“You don’t understand. It was a tight schedule. The Jeffreyepstein’s sched–I mean, if there’s one thing the T-Rump taught me, time is moolah-moolah. And to bill accordingly. You, uh … mentioned a list?”

“Yes, my friend, the Sethabramson gave me a list of dinos who you really want to blame for your errors and corruption.”

“He did? I do? Who?”

“That would be the Nevereverglades prosecutors and investigators, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos, the Jeffreyepstein himself … oh, and the victims too.”

The Alexanderacosta sank into the depths of delirium.

“Oh, could you? Please?”

The jig was up.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Lewd, Crude and Screwed …

The Solitary Sinkhole guard let out a low whistle.

The Jeffreyepstein had just checked in the day before. His new home was a hole beside the Georgenader, holed up himself beside the Michaelcohen. It was old home week and look who was coming to visit. The tyrant. The king of chaos. The Tyrumposaurus.

The T-Rump looked down at the Jeffreyepstein.

“Hey, Jeff. What’s the score?”

“I’ve still got you beat by a dozen, 36-24,” came the grinning response.

The Jeffreyepstein was referring of course to the number of female victims the two dinos had sexually abused or trafficked — allegedly — in the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump beamed back at him.

“You’re a terrific dino. Just terrific. So much fun to be with. You like beautiful dinos as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. Which brings us to why we’re here. You on the inside and me on the outside.”

“Being the leader of the free-running dino world does have its perks,” said the Jeffreyepstein.

“Oh, I have free run all right. And I want it to stay that way. Which is why you’re going to be very happy to see who I’ve brought with me.” He stepped aside, revealing the Alexanderacosta. “Your get out of jail card. Tell’em, Michael.”

The Michaelcohen shifted nervously in his squat.

“I don’t work for you anymore, T-Rump.”

“Nonsense. Fake news. Go ahead and tell everyone.” 

“Everyone already knows.”

The T-Rump’s face turned grim. His orange skin grew heated. His former legal dino knew the T-Rump would soon begin holding his breath. That or a temper tantrum was imminent. He sighed. His ex-boss was such an embarrassment.

“Okay, just so you can leave me alone as soon as possible, I’ll tell the story. 11 years ago, sexual relations with three dozen underage dinos had Jeffrey in deep, deep trouble. Allegedly. The Alexanderacosta brokered a deal with Jeffrey’s legal dino where Jeffrey pleaded guilty to two charges. He avoided a trial, served just 13 months in the Solitary Sinkhole instead of life, he registered as a DIP — a Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and paid some moolah-moolah leaves to the victims. It was the deal of a lifetime.”

“The greatest legal con job in dino history,” the T-Rump said glowingly, clapping the Alexanderacosta on the back. “How come you never did anything like that for me, Michael?”

“Uh, because I knew you’d never make me the Secretary of Labor?”

Awkward pause. In jumped the Georgenader.

“T-Rump, remember me? Your Saudisaurae-Russodino liaison dino?”

“Acting, right? Oh, George! What are you doing here?”

“I, uh … I don’t travel well.”

“That’s right. Now I remember. Last month. So long ago.”

“Can I play your game, T-Rump?”

“What game?”

“Your scoreboard game. Did you want to know how many young dinos I–”

“No! No, I don’t. Sorry, George. You’re disqualified. We’re keeping track of women only.”

“T-Rump?” The Jeffreyepstein raised a short arm.

“Right, Jeff. Young women do count. Because you and I go back 25 years. But only if they look like my daughter.”

The two dinos traded lecherous, sinister grins.

A pang of jealousy crept into the Michaelcohen’s head as he took in the Alexanderacosta. What was so special about this ex-legal dino? Not only was he being investigated for his plea agreement but he welcomed it. The legal dino shook his head in wonder. The Alexanderacosta was a reptile about to be crushed in Broncosaurus rush hour traffic.

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“Jeff, it’s been a few years and I need to know you can keep that Jane Doe thing hush hush.” 

“Don’t worry, T-Rump. We’ve got the Williambarr and the Brettkavanaugh on our side now.”

“And MBS and MBZ,” said the Georgenader. “And don’t forget the Putinodon.”

“George, I’m more concerned about myself than foreign policy. And it’s this dino I’m worried about.” The T-Rump pointed to the Michaelcohen. “You told the authorities about the hush payments to the Stormydaniels and the Karencdougal. You even implicated me, which is more fake news. And here I am. Still just visiting. So, Michael, what other beautiful dinos did you tell them about?”

“There were so many. The last week before the November battle was a blur.” The Michaelcohen was enjoying this, watching the T-Rump squirm. “All I can say is that they have all my footprints in the sand. Every last one.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I can sleep easy at night and you can’t. Speaking of which, just nine sleeps before the Muellersavus speaks before several committees. I’m sorry. Does that worry you?”

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“These young dinos and their accusations of death threats. How often are these coming up?”

“Pretty much every case.”

“Well, it’s not like we killed any dinos. Still, we need to get out ahead of it.”

“How do you plan on doing that?” asked the Jeffreyepstein.

“Easy. I don’t even need the Stephenmillerus on this one. For maximum play, I’ll just add it to my daily rant. No collusion! No obstruction! No death threats! What do you think?”

“Sounds great. Say, T-Rump. I was just wondering, Those young dinos you lost track of at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Where’d they wind up anyway?”

“Yes,” echoed the Georgenader, eagerly grasping his hands together. “Where are they now?”

In the background, the security guard had to turn away. He was sure he was going to be physically ill.

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 893 & 897

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-dxbve-b6f4e1

This week’s double-feature includes … Day 893–The Price is Right Peace Plan … The Wolfblitzer tackles the Kushneratops on big dino dilemmas … and … Day 897–Winter’s Coming … How long can the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) play games with the district dino judge, the Georgehazel?

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Winter’s Coming …

The Georgehazel squatted atop Prudent Perch, a judicial weigh station on the side of Principled Peak, overlooking the Sane Plain. It was a small region growing smaller due to the encroaching swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, eerily coinciding with the Tyrumposaurus’ rise to power. 

The dino district judge glared down at the legal dinos he’d hastily summoned before him. There was the Joshgardner from the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) and his boss, the Jodyhunt, who was just one dino ambush away from replacing the Williambarr as the attorney dino general, the loftiest legal dino in the land. The plaintiffs were represented by the Shankarduraiswamy and the Denisehulett. At stake was indeed the law of the land. This was a bona fide Continental Divide crisis.

The Tyvankanatrix sauntered into the group, her carefree, gleaming smile leading the way. The judge looked up.

“What are you doing here?”

“The narrator said it was a Continental Divide crisis. Here I am,” she said, with a quick pirouette.

“To help solve it?”

“No. Just to be here.”

She batted her eyelids at the legal dinos and gave them a look of mock seriousness, trying to blend in. But still stick out of course. It was a delicate balance, like her leather skin maintaining that soft, puckered look.

“Get out of my court!” roared the Georgehazel.

“Hmph,” she sniffed. “Wait til I tell daddy. He calls me his princess and says I can go anywhere I want. By the way, there’s only one female dino here.”

She strode off, head held high. The dino judge calmed himself and turned to the Joshgardner.

“First off, Josh, I want to apologize for interrupting your vacation. I understand you were in the Yellow Buslands dining on Desegregators.” The judge smacked his lips. “White or Black-Striped?”

The Joshgardner shrugged.

“Whatever I could separate from the pack. Tastes like chicken, both of’em”

“I won’t keep you long. Now then, I was cooling my arthritic joints in the calming waters of Creaky Creek this morning when I heard T-Rump’s Trollertweety flying overhead. I’m sure you all heard it as well. The T-Rump’s, ahem … message from his throne directly contradicted what you told me yesterday. Is he playing some game? You told me the citizenship question will not be on next year’s dino census. I made myself perfectly clear. And now this. Short of biting your head off, Josh, what’s it going to be?”

“Uh, I just want to say, your Honor, that I’ve been with the DOJ for 16 years and … well, this is just bat-poop crazy. I watched the Wilburross put his footprint in the sand. Saw it with my own two eyes. No citizenship question. Honest. And if I may say, let me assure you, I am doing my absolute best to figure out what the hell is going on.”

“Your turn, Shankar.”

“Your Honor. This calls for a stipulated order …”

The Joshgardner cringed.

“N-o-o-o-o! Not a stipulated order!”

“Oh, yes,” continued the Shankarduraiswamy. “A stipulated order telling the T-Rump to stop his campaign of misinformation. And to tell the dinos that he’s very sorry and that he should never have sent that Trollertweety out in the first place.”

The dino judge frowned.

“You do know who we’re talking about here? … Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument … what am I saying? You don’t have to be a three-eyed raven. We know this is going to happen. The T-Rump will refuse to listen and he will double down per usual. What’s the basis for me to order him not to? Is this what we’ve come to? The T-Rump not respecting my authority? To run amok throughout the land. What then?”

“Um … that little thing called justice?” Shankar said in a tiny voice. “You can issue an injunction barring further inquiry. It’s appropriate and within your power. You can do it, judge.”

“Your Honor.” It was the Denisehulett. “If I may add something.”

“Please do. Our dino democracy stands at the very precipice.”

“It is nonsensical how the T-Rump continues to endanger the Latinonachos. He is driving them away as we speak. It doesn’t stop. It never ends. The T-Rump is violating our census and our senses. He’s a monster! Please, your Honor. DO something before he takes over the Milkanhoney Preservation!”

“Thank you. I’m well aware of our basic rights and needs as dinos. In the south and the north. Dare I say, winter’s coming for all of us. As for stopping the T-Rump’s Trollertweeties on this matter, I may as well ask him to stop lying.”

“Aren’t they one and the same?” asked Shankar.

The dino judge turned to the Joshgardner.

“Be that as it may, you’re the only dino here who appears to be more confused than I am. What say you to the plaintiff’s legal dino’s concerns?”

“Well, ahem … we have a very fluid situation here that we’re trying to wrap our short arms around. You know the T-Rump. I can’t possibly predict what he’s going to do next. But I do promise to keep an eye and an ear on the sky for his next Trollertweety and to get right back to you.”

“An eye and an ear to the sky? That’s where we’re at?”

“Your Honor.” It was the Jodyhunt. “I’d just like to remind everyone, I worked under the Sessionsopossum when the T-Rump called him beleaguered, when the T-Rump threw him under the Priebusunderbus daily, when the T-Rump fired him …”

“One case at a time,” said the judge.

“No, what I’m getting at here, your Honor, is that I’ve seen the carnage the T-Rump leaves behind. The stark fear and devastation.” He looked with pleading eyes up to the grizzled Georgehazel. “What we desperately need here is … is a path forward.”

“A path forward?”

“Yes, a near-term option, something viable, something possible — that’s consistent of course with the Supreme Dino Court’s decision, that would allow us to put the citizenship question on the census.”

“Dino dung!” snapped the judge. “I’m giving you two days to come up with a better response than this, this pathetic, poetic ‘path forward’ drivel.”

“But tomorrow’s the Fourth of T-Rump,” whined the Joshgardner.

The Jodyhunt quieted his colleague and turned to the dino judge. 

“Your Honor,” he said slowly. “We don’t need two days.”

The assistant attorney dino general eyed the dino judge gravely in the still mountain air. 

“Bend the knee.”

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Price is Right Peace Plan …

“Good evening. You’re in the Sit You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m the Wolfblitzer.”

The grizzled, grey-skinned Mediacircustops, looked around the cramped cave at his loyal, captive audience. That is, a dozen tree-rubbing herbivores who’d discovered a liberal patch of bluegrass in the corner two weeks before. They’d refused to leave, munching thoughtfully through each of his hard-hitting interviews.

“We have — you guessed it — breaking news or as I like to call it, Uh-Oh, What Did the T-Rump Do Today? The Tyrumposaurus slammed the Special Counsel dino, the Muellersavus yet again in his daily diatribe. This comes as the Muellersavus will be speaking before two Kongrus Kave committees next month. I’ll be talking about that with a key dino from the T-Rump’s inner circle and his family, proving once more that nepotism is not extinct. Welcome the son-in-law and Senior-Go-To-Dino for the T-Rump, the Kushneratops.”

The sound of munching in the background.

“Jared, before I rake you over the coals, I want to get your reaction to the T-Rump accusing the Muellersavus of harassment. This comes after the leader of the Dino Nation has been roaring from the Oval Dwelling that the Muellersavus’ Report exonerates him. What is the T-Rump afraid of that he doesn’t want the Muellersavus to say? What in the world is going on?”

“Honestly, Wolf. Collusion with the Russodinos? Please. Utter nonsense and a waste of time. But I was happy to cooperate with any investigations.”

“Does that include the investigation into the long list of reasons why you shouldn’t have received your security clearance?”

“I married his daughter, Wolf. I think he can trust me.”

“Getting back to the report. The Muellersavus did conclude there was Russodino interference. So it wasn’t a complete waste of time, was it?”

The Kushneratops put on his pouty face.

“I don’t think that’s why they’re calling him, but it’s kind of neither here nor there.”

“Then, ahem … where is it?”

The Kushneratops’ pouty face grew … poutier.

“What do you mean where? How dare you question my purposely vague and ambiguous response!”

“Welcome to the world of feet-to-the-fire questions. You’re in the Sit, You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m Wolf … Oh, I already said that. Let’s get to another sensitive issue where I’m sure you’ll give me that not-another-hangnail look. You began with no foreign policy experience in the Middle Eastlands and now the T-Rump has tossed the Migration Dilemma into your lap. You do know about the two Latinonachos who drowned at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Such deplorable conditions. You’re a father with dino tots. Why isn’t your father-in-law doing more to protect families?

“I don’t think that’s a fair question, Wolf.”

“Not fair? Forgive me for ruffling your feathers — again — but I’m not a Foxsquawkbox dino and your job description does include looking out for the welfare of any and all dinos who are on Milkanhoney Preservation soil.”

The Kushneratops bristled.

“The T-Rump has been very clear. It’s a dino-eat-dino world out there. This is where the moolah-moolah is and that’s why dinos want to come. The T-Rump wants them to come and their numbers are down thanks to his great leadership.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. But these dino tots, shouldn’t they at least be taken care of?”

“Absolutely. Wherever they are. We’re doing the best we can. But it’s obviously an unusual circumstance. We’re working hard to improve the situation.”

The Wolfblitzer scowled at him.

“That was another vague, ambiguous and dare I say cryptic answer.”

“Okay, Wolf, I’ll level with you in the vernacular our base has no problem following.”

“Please do.”

“I know it’s something the T-Rump’s looking at. There’s a bunch of different versions and a bunch of different clauses being discussed. A bunch of different, uh … stuff.  But I know he’s looking at it. I know that.”

“I’m sorry, Jared. You’re not giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling. But maybe it’s because I’m a reptile. Let’s move on to your long-awaited peace plan for the Middle Eastlands. You claim to have the hey-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer to stop dinos from attacking other dinos in the Middle Eastlands. Hmph. I understand nobody showed up.”

“That’s right. No Palestinos and no Israelisaurae. But everyone else was there.”

“Except the two parties that mattered the most.”

“The plan, Wolf. The plan! I spent two weeks, I mean … two years working on it. It got great acclaim. It’s ambitious. It’s thoughtful. Very thoughtful. And detailed. Lots of details.”

“Such as?”

“I can’t get into that now, but remember, the T-Rump is known for keeping his word. I can tell you he’s just put forward a very detailed 140-footprints in the sand How to Live plan with a lot of detail that’s getting very, very wide acclaim. Dinos think it’s very competent, very smart, very thoughtful.”

“How thoughtful?”

“Why, thank you.”

“No, I was asking … never mind. Will there be a two-dino solution, the Palestinos and the Israelisaurae, each with land to call their home?”

“Wolf, after we give them 50 billion moolah-moolah leaves, they would live in the same cave. I would.”

“Not so sure about that. What about security?”

“The T-Rump wants security for both parties. I don’t see why they can’t live side by side, together like we do right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“Not at all. We’re also rolling out a peace plan that will have all the details — about 60 footprints in the sand at this point. Again, it’s probably the most detailed proposal ever put out. Coming on the heels of the 140 footprints-in-the-sand Way of Life plan, that’s 200 footprints of plans, Wolf. Has to be the most. Has to.”

“So what you’re saying is that the Palestinos will not be independent.”

“Wolf, thanks to the T-Rump’s leadership we’re casting the Iranosaurus as the real enemy. I’m sure the Palestinos and Israelisaurae can put aside their differences to appreciate that. We didn’t pull out of the Iranosaurus deal for nothing.”

The Wolfblitzer shook his head in frustration.

“But all the dinos in the region, including those who will actually be providing the moolah-moolah, have insisted on a two-dino solution.”

“I guess you’ve been the Wolfblitzer because you’re not a patient dino.”

“And I guess you’ve been the Kushneratops because you believe moolah-moolah solves everything. Like the billion you received for your 666 Devil’s Lair from the hoodwinked Qatarsaurae. Have you no soul? Our bluegrass-chewing audience wants to know. Whose interests are you working for?”

“Wolf … heh-heh … too much information. What did I say about details? Look, we’ll just see what happens over the next couple of months. I think — I mean, I hope the next thing happening will be that we’ll release our peace plan and dinos will react to it accordingly. Because we know what’s best for them, right?”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one. Finally, with regards to foreign policy, is this the new T-Rump Doctrine?”

“Yes, of course. We’re a peace broker and I’m sure you know, Wolf, brokering peace comes with a price.”

Categories
Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

T-Rump’s Debate …

“B-O-R-I-N-G!”

The Tyrumposaurus watched from afar at the 10-dino debate the Donkeykongrus were holding in the swampy, knee-deep waters of the Nevereverglades.

“Hope! I mean, Huckabee! I mean … who the hell is it now? Oh, right. Stephanie!”

A split second later the Stephaniegrisham, the new Oval Dwelling press secretary-communications director-Tymelania-be-bester poked her snout over his shoulder.

“Can I help you, T-Rump?”

“This dumb Donkeykongrus debate just started … and already I’m feeling snubbed.”

“I see,” she said slowly, recalling how she dealt with her two dino children when they were tots. “Perhaps you’d like to be in a debate too?”

“Could I? I am a stable genius after all. I’d have to stand in the middle though.”

“Of course.”

“Well, don’t just stand there. If you were any slower than Huckabee, it’d be yesterday. Make it so. Now! Before I have another sexual assault charge leveled against me by some dino who isn’t even my type.”

Within the hour the Stephaniegrisham did just that. She assembled the T-Rump and 10 other dinos at nearby Gainesville Mudcrutch, a vacant lot flattened long before by the musical thunder of two dinos, the Tompetty and the Heartbreakerz rocking and rolling against each other, long into the night, belting out hard and soft rock until there was none left. 

A large throng of neighboring Uber-Deploruh Bulls had gathered, snarling and snorting anxiously, anticipating an entertaining evening of trash-talk takedowns.

“Okay, Stephanie,” said the T-Rump squatting smugly center stage. “The introductions, if you will.” 

“Yes, tonight we have 11 Grandoldparty candidates.”

The T-Rump raised a short arm to the sky.

“One more than the Donkeykongrus because we’re better.”

“Left to right,” the Stephaniegrisham continued, “is the Manaforta, the Saveyourenergyrex, the Kushneratops, the Duncanhunter, and ahem, because this was done on such short notice — me. On the right side of His High and Mighty and For Whom We All Grovel, the Tyrumposaurus, is the Kellyanneconvixway, the Jaysekulow, the Erictrump, the Mitchgetbacktowork and the Betsydevos.”

“Helluva job, Stephanie,” said the T-Rump. “Helluva job. All you Uber-Deploruh Bulls out there. Give her a roaring snort!”

On cue the mucus flew.

“Okay, okay,” the leader of the Dino Nation interjected the flying phlegm. “Let’s not get crazy. Remember, no licking each other. I need you next year! … Now then, Stephanie, did you get some pretty dino to, uh … you know, look after things — and mostly ask questions of me?”

Her heart sank. Damn! Her first day on the job. How could she?

“You mean a moderator?” she said weakly.

“You didn’t get one? Why the hell not?”

Off-stage the Tymelania froze the T-Rump with her Stare of a Thousand Ice Ages.

“I mean, you forgot, right? No problem. How tough can it be to find a moderator?”

The Seanhannity jumped out onto the stage.

“Pick me! Pick me!”

“I said pretty,” the T-Rump deadpanned. He spotted a female dino with her back turned to him, a few feet from the Seanhannity. “Hey, you there, pretty girl. Why don’t you be our moderator?”

The dino turned to the T-Rump. His eyes went wide.

“Megan?”

“The Meganrapinoe,” she replied.

“What are you doing here?”

“This isn’t the Oval Dwelling is it?”

“Fine. Go ahead and moderate. See if I care. If you do a great job, and I’m only saying a great, great job … I may consider inviting your team of Soccersaurae to the Oval Dwelling.”

“I’ll do my best,” she grinned impishly as she turned to the debate dinos. “Okay, let’s get this show going. A quick-hitter. Which of you dinos are currently incarcerated, being sued, received a Subpoenasaurus or is expecting a visit from one soon? Raise your hands now. Be honest.”

Five short arms slowly went up. The Manaforta, the Kushneratops, the Duncanhunter, the Kellyanneconvixway and the Betsydevos.

“Not me,” said the T-Rump. “You can’t touch me. No collusion! No obstruction!”

A random roaring snort escaped a dino in the front row. His mucus projectile splattered the Erictrump in the face.

“Hey! He spit on me!”

The Erictrump was pointing toward the Jaysekulow.

“I did not, you spoiled brat. I saw you. You didn’t even put your hand up. I know about …” He stopped and slowly turned toward the dino audience who had stopped in mid-saliva drip. “Oops.”

The Meganrapinoe smirked. I don’t even have to say a word for this debate to implode.

“Questions, Megan,” said the T-Rump, rolling his hands one over the other, urging her to move the debate along.

“Uh, you mean like the questions from the Muellersavus that you refused to answer?”

“Not those questions. You know what I mean. The easy-peasy questions like the Seanhannity tosses me every night for the Foxsquawkbox dinos.”

He cast an eye off-stage at the Seanhannity, whose long, stepped-upon tail began eagerly thumping the ground.

The T-Rump cocked his head.

“She’s still prettier than you, Sean.”

The moderator regained control.

“This question is for the Saveyourenergyrex. Since I don’t see this Grandoldparty group going forward at all, if you had your old job back, how would you have worked differently with the Kushneratops?”

The former Secretary of State Dino glared at the prim and proper senior dino adviser beside him.

“I’d have kicked him with my other foot. To the moon, Kushy! To the moon!”

The Meganrapinoe nodded to the Stephaniegrisham.

“Stephanie, you’re new around here. Given that the dino beside you, the Duncanhunter has been accused of using campaign moolah-moolah leaves to bungle in the jungle and otherwise entertain no less than 5 lady dinos and today had yet another dino accuse him of groping, are you the least bit worried as you squat there beside him?”

The Stephaniegrisham cast an anxious glance at the Duncanhunter. He leered back at her.

“Yes, I do bite. And I have campaign moolah moolah. What more could you want?”

“My follow-up question, Stephanie … notwithstanding he may follow you home … do you have your fellow Grandoldparty member — this dino’s back?”

The Stephaniegrisham suddenly found herself pining for the safe sanctuary of the Tymelania’s Melancholy Mud Pit.

“Stonewall, Stephanie!” the T-Rump hollered. “Stonewall!”

The Meganrapinoe rolled her eyes.

“You can’t stonewall in a debate, dummy.”

Every dino froze. You could hear a pebble roll over in the light breeze.

Uh-oh, thought the Majority Leader. The T-Rump had been exposed. The Mitchgetbacktowork had to get back to work. Fast. 

The Kentucky Gobbler stole a look to either side. To his right, the Erictrump; to his left, the Betsydevos. This called for a calculated risk.

“Hey! Look, everyone! I’m surrounded by a pair of morons!”

The Erictrump sighed, lowering his gaze. Not so the Betsydevos. Her face hardened and she threw out her chest defiantly.

“I am not a moron. I am the Secretary of the Edge of Vacation.”

The Meganrapinoe tabbed the Kellyanneconvixway for her final question.

“Kellyanne, I’m sure the dinos in the audience are well aware of your point-zero-zero-zero-one percent chance of appearing before the committee to answer for your alleged Hatch Act violation. If you actually do appear, can you share with us any alternative facts you plan on providing?”

“I resemble that remark. But I’m still surprised at you for bringing that up, Stephanie. I would just like to point out that when it comes to alternative facts there’s the thesaurus and then there’s me. I don’t believe I need to tell you who is better.”

“Thesaurus?” asked the T-Rump. “What Thesaurus? Do I know her?”

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

Shaming of the Two …

ACT I. SCENE I.

In a concealed cave, a clandestine meeting between the Seanhannity and the Manaforta.

SEANHANNITY

My dear Manaforta, can we talk? How you? How you do do?

MANAFORTA

Not free, Hannity, as you. Feel free any time, now and ever, to call me. Forever.

SEANHANNITY

Please know, thou art maven taking haven in my prayers.

MANAFORTA

Thank you. I need them. I beg thee. Pile pity to my pits. I feel so violated. It’s the …

SEANHANNITY

Yes! Rhymes of crimes hated. And NOT being investigated?

Clear felonies! Conflicted interests! Who seeks? How doth POTUS host thy leaks?

The future of our great dino nation is thy conversation to straighten.

Grace and peace is yet gray piece of this moment difficult.

Sadly, tis when friends abandon. As in apostles pulled?

If you wish to talk, to vent, to strategize, I am here. But we wise.

For while this is so very hard, stand tall and strong to fight the fight.

Whilst I remain at your knee, if you can watch tonight.

MANAFORTA

I appreciate what you try to do or try to be,

All dinos but I, in your every conspiracy theory.

The Muellersavus vies, he tries to intimidate me.

The morning raid still blinds. Cannot your eyes see?

No need to heed. I won’t let him succeed!

Leaving me the loneliest of lonely, fighting this fight.

Alone! So alone! But for you and a few others.

Our side must engage if we’re to beat these mothers!

SEANHANNITY

Call me once, twice, thrice. And thrice again twice more.

Let’s eat, talk and anything I can do to help.

Far be I from some Mediacircustops whelp!

Your sorrow deep keeps me, weeps me to sleep. 

MANAFORTA

T-Y. Two letters to thank you.

Your call of yesterday fairly tackled my torment.

SEANHANNITY

Get me started, for I readily foment.

The Crookadillary doth make me pace!

Such irrational national disgrace!

Always here, my Manaforta. Always here.

MANAFORTA

I know. Thy south mouth protects my back.

SEANHANNITY

Hail me not some fair weather dino.

MANAFORTA

I know. WE know.

The Mediacircustops, their ruthless lies and untruths

Itching to split me from family T-Rump — before my very own.

Yon game of dirt begets dirty game.

SEANHANNITY

Yup. My apt response as I see all, know all. Your call.

MANAFORTA

The Dowderpuff huffed and puffed away,

Berating raid of Muellersavus today.

New legal dinos I have. Junkyard Doggydogs they be.

Undoing this injustice. Tis painful, costly fight for me.

Tis daunting. This Mediacircustops false coverage. So negative!

Down to my last brownstone. I’ve nothing to give!

Forget thy pity. Forgive my pout.

But I won’t give up. I won’t sell out.

SEANHANNITY

And I, your fly in ointment, pointing to the flaw:

WE DO NOT HAVE EQUAL JUSTICE UNDER THE LAW.

I shall preach continued fact in every dino’s face

One justice system plus two tiers equals a disgrace!

 

SCENE II.

The next night. Same dinos. Same cave. Second clandestine meeting.

SEANHANNITY

So did thou see last night? Yes, I trolled all.

I said the Manaforta made a mistake. The gall!

He wasn’t the Crookadillary, nor the Ericholder,

Nor the Lorettalynch, her bad acts bolder.

Release the Manaforta, he did NOT destroy it all.

MANAFORTA

To be so clever. Such endeavor.

The Jeaninepirro’s swing was the Geraldo’s miss.

I long the day they climb atop this.

SEANHANNITY

The Jeaninepirro, smart and in the know,

Schooled me to have schools of legal dinos

For each morn dawns my waking dread

More bull for breakfast and a bulls-eye for my head

My dear Manaforta, like you I too

Put dino nation before my creation,

This amazing Milkanhoney Preservation,

S-o-o-o-o-o off course, such devastation!

If the Donkeykongrus win, so be it, my thoughts.

I’m fighting like you, for our dinos and their tots.

MANAFORTA

The dino noblesse think T-Rump a mess

His death their success to one day confess

For to fill their bill, I’m mere roadkill

Tis Jared and family that whets their will

Never enough! Farewell Moscovian Bluffs!  

SEANHANNITY

Too much info doth forsake my clap trap!

That I would repeat, my face yours to slap.

Thus I have my main mantra, my fickle fave five.

These I focus upon to keep ratings alive:

Deep state, Donkeykongrus, Mediacircustops too

Our weak, our pathetic, never-T-Rumpers. Taboo!

Then Flynnhasbeen. A horrible, ILLEGAL arrest.

General. Thanks for giving your best?

MANAFORTA

He too, destroyed as background to their voices.

“Incompetence!” they shout at T-Rump’s choices.

SEANHANNITY

Alas and alack, a Potus fan is roadkill

MANAFORTA

Might Potus find that as only ill will?

SEANHANNITY

I tell him a lot. A real lotta lot lot there.

Our relationship, brutal, honest, all out on the air

Should victory find the left, hence me on the shelf

Where with Dixie’s two cups, I’ll talk to myself.

MANAFORTA

Your attitude keeps you free. Unlike I. Woe is me.

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

My Wedding and Maria …

Branches snapped and wildlife scattered. The Joshrogin dino, Sub Family of the Washingtonpostian, was chasing down a big story. He traipsed through the underbrush, pausing to sniff, then doggedly continuing along, breaking trail as only a Washingtonpostian could. While the Tyrumposaurus’ time in the Oval Dwelling guaranteed a daily crisis or a weekly earthquake event, this was a dino nation colossal calamity he was bent on uncovering. It connected on seedier, more sinister levels — than even a hike to the top of the T-Rump Dump luxury caves.

The dots the Joshrogin had connected thus far were not fake news or a hoax or T-Rump harassment. There was the Andreathompson, that is, the under secretary dino of state for short arms attack and international security affairs, having her wedding to the Aussie-Barbieshrimp dino, the Davidgillian officiated by the Grandoldparty dino, the Paulerickson. The same Paulerickson who was bungling in the jungle with the recently convicted Russodino spy, the Mariabutina.

But dot-connecting was for spotted dinosaurs, the Joshrogin was looking for that piece of evidence that could topple a dino dynasty. He stopped on the beach of Spoonsoon Lagoon and scratched his noggin. Now where would a dino hide footprints in the sand from her wedding day?  

Aha! Of course. The Joshrogin peeled back the long, low-hanging, Honeysuckle branch of the Honeymoon Tree. The footprints were two years old but the special day’s moments had been perfectly preserved in the Honeysuckle shade. The unmistakably lady-like footprints from the Andreathompson read …

What a day. What a simply incredible day. You never know how your wedding day will turn out. You lie awake at night worrying about every last little detail. From the edible flowers to the guest list, you can only hope and pray things go according to plan. But it was perfect. Because, when it comes right down to it, what happens happens. So you leave it to fate. Yet you know in your heart there’s one dino who’s joining you that day. The dino that’s showing up just for you. Only you. And that dino was … Maria. I was so impressed with her.

From the moment she arrived on Paul’s arm, she came right over to me. I still remember her freckled red-skinned frame bouncing across the lagoon to visit with me. She had that fun, carefree look in her eye and that oh-so sweet, innocent face. And that knowing look, that almost sly smile, the kind that exudes confidence, so much so you feel compelled to let your guard down. And so help me, I did. Her kind, generous nature made me completely forget the 100,000 moolah-moolah leaves that our marriage official Paul had stolen from David. I mean, Paul officiating our wedding was the least he could do. If things don’t work out with David, he owes me at least three more.

But back to Maria. Sigh. My Maria. She was the most curious dino. She wanted to know all about me! Such interest! She played my emotions like, well, like I wish David would. We shared our secrets like two teenage dinos crunching, munching through a pair of Chocolatotops. She told me about the work she’d been doing with the Gunsandmoregunz dinos. After dinner, she even taught me a few Russodino words. She said they might come in handy later. I had no idea she was a Russodino! Who knew?

She asked me about my boss and his boss and on and on. She wanted to meet all of them. What ambition! I told her I’d see what I could do. After all, she’s not a Donkeykongrus, so I promised her transparency. You should’ve seen her face. She was so happy, she began crying. And since the day already had me so emotional … hey, it’s my wedding and I’ll cry if I want to!

After we wiped our happy tears away, things got a little strange. Like intriguing. In a good way. She began saying things like counter intelligence and asking me if I’d like to speak with dinos in the Putinodon’s inner circle, under the pretense of eventually speaking with him. It all sounded very exciting. She spoke very highly of him, making him sound like a really nice dino, a dino worth knowing.

It was then I could sense a little voice in the back of my head speaking up. Like that feeling you get when you’re downwind from a starving Stegosaurus?  Or maybe just the anxiety of the upcoming conjugal jungle bungle with David kicking in.

Finally, capping the end to this wonderful day, Maria said she and the Paulerickson had to be on their way. She winked at me and told me this day would be our little secret. I said of course. She told me she wanted to keep in touch. Be still, my pounding heart. I promised her I would!

Categories
Satire The T-Rump Dig

Cybersaurus? What Cybersaurus?

A nervous humility settled over the Tyrumposaurus, his smug pomposity leaving him for its rightful owner, the resolute puppet master squatting nearby.

“You have a Cybersaurus sniffing in my backyard,” said the Putinodon. “Deep in my backyard.”

The Russodino leader swished his tail across the ground in a slow, steady motion … kindling the tension … stoking the suspense … firing the fear. The short Putinodon squatted on a rock three higher than the T-Rump, glaring down from a position of authority. For his latest burn.

“I didn’t know about it. Honest,” pleaded the T-Rump.

“You gave your Cybersaurus command dinos the go ahead on this a year ago. Are you telling me you forgot about it?”

The T-Rump gulped. How could he tell the Putinodon that he forgot a lot of things? Like … everything.

“The Langleyops, they don’t tell me anything. I don’t think they respect me. I have no idea why.”

“Enough! It’s done. Your Langleyops minions leaked it to the Mediacircustops. You left me no choice.”

“To do what?” asked the T-Rump.

“Argie-Bargie, Para-Uruguay. 50 million dinos. Powerless.”

“That was you?”

Normally, the Putinodon’s knowing smirk said it all. But his Kayjeebeeops dino background told him the T-Rump would always need things spelled out.

“That was I. The dino you answer to. I suggest you go back to the Oval Dwelling and put your rhetoric on high flame against the Mediacircustops or the next story they tell will be …”

“Uh, the Moscovian Bluffs luxury cave? The multi-dino bungle in the jungle? Not my special pee tree?”

“There are so many to choose from,” the Putinodon said with a wry smile. “The Christophersteele barely scraped the surface …”

Within hours the T-Rump’s Trollertweety had practically morphed into a fire-breathing dragon …

“Squawk!  Mediacircustops! Virtual act of treason! Desperate! Squawk! Also, Not True! Anything goes! Squawk! Not even the slightest thought of consequence! Unlike the T-Rump. Squawk! True cowards! Enemy of the dinos! Squawk!”

The T-Rump arrived back at the Oval Dwelling, but not before the Jimacosta caught up with him.

“T-Rump! Did you read the Dinos Open Jawed legal opinion refusing to hand the Mytaxes Returnus skins you’ve shed for the last six years over to the Richardneal?”

“Of course I have.”

The Jimacosta’s jaw hit the ground.

“All 33 footprints in the sand?”

“What? If I’m going to lie about reading the Muellersavus’ Report’s 448 footprints, then of course I’m going to lie about 33. You’re not too bright, Jim.”

“T-Rump, the legal opinion said the committee lacks a legitimate, legislative purpose but the Richardneal said they’re conducting oversight to keep future dino leaders from hiding their skins.”

“This would set a dangerous precedent. Very dangerous.”

“What precedent? You’re the precedent for NOT providing your Mytaxes Returnus. Every other dino leader has. You claim the Richardneal is acting pre-textual.”

“Pre-textual? Don’t give me pre-textual. I already told you I read the damn thing. The request is unauthorized, okay?”

“Unauthorized? It’s the law! As in shall furnish.”

“Don’t be a wise guy, Jim. I’m just obeying the Dinos Open Jawed and my Attorney General. What was that? Did somebody just cough? I hate it when I’m interrupted by a cough. Mickmulvaney! It was you, wasn’t it? Get out of here! And take the Jimacosta with you.”

A moment later, the T-Rump squatted in the Oval Dwelling. Alone. This wouldn’t do. He had to be seen.

“Mick! Get back in here!”

The Mickmulvaney arrived out of breath.

“Yes, T-Rump?”

“Go get the Huckabeecyclops for me.”

“She left.”

“Whaddaya mean left?! She owes me two weeks!”

“Uh, T-rump. She said that since she’s done nothing for three months, why wait another two weeks?”

“Oh, yeah? Well, you track her down and tell her she’s paying me back two weeks moolah-moolah or she can kiss that little rock in Arkansas she’s gonna hide behind good-bye.”

“Very well, T-Rump. Oh, I’ve taken the liberty to line up the best dinos we have for her vacant position, you know, doing her best to keep the Milkanhoney Preservation informed.

“She’s going to be so difficult to replace. Who do we have?”

“The Stevecourtes and the Hogangidley.”

“And?”

“Uh, that’s it.”

“No women?”

“There were three who showed an interest … but they backed out, afraid you’d show an interest in them.”

A frown from the T-Rump.

“Fine. Send’em in.”

The Stevecourtes stomped in, the expression on his face saying he was happy and looking for a fight at the same time. The Hogangidley ambled in behind him, not quite as confident. More of a bewildered whimp of a dino, one that a stiff breeze might deposit elsewhere.

The T-Rump sized up his two candidates.

“Steve, Hogan, I’m getting nailed out there. Who wants the job? Who’s going to protect me, spread the lies? Can you throw yourself off a cliff for me and kick the Mitchgetbacktowork in the teeth if need be? Well?”

“Excuse me, T-Rump,” said Hogan. “I don’t think I can rightly kick Mitch in the teeth if I just threw myself off a cliff.”

Idiot, thought the T-Rump. That’s what I’m down to.

“Steve, you’re first.”

“T-Rump, thanks for this golden opportunity.  Look, you know I know migration. I’m what they call specialized. So let me tell you this. I just came up with it a minute ago, so yes, I can think and speak at the same time. I’m telling you, this Great Tex-Mex Divide crisis, it’s a cyber-migration conspiracy. That’s right. And we can blame it on the Africanamerica dino. I mean, what are they even doing there? It makes no sense at all … but very good sense for my latest conspiracy theory.”

The Stevecourtes smug smile was met with the T-Rump’s scrunched face of confused disbelief. The dino leader nodded for the Hogangidley to hop in.

“Ah, thank you, T-Rump. I want you to try this one on fer size. Yuh see, we’re used to seein’ the men messin’ around with the moolah-moolah what with the corruption an’ all. But now yuh see the wife of the Netan-yee-haw over in them Middle Eastlands and the Duncanhunter’s wife spendin’ other dino’s moolah-moolah like it’s goin’ outta style … and the Mitchgetbacktowork’s wife, the Elainechao helpin’ him out with a million here and there … an’ the Stevenmnuchin’s wife puckerin’ up now fer a quick fix on her trashy-trash image …”

“Exactly what are you trying to say, Hogan?”

“Oh, I was just ramblin’ on. … No, hold on. What I’m sayin’, boss, is blame the wife! Why not? You’re married, ain’t yuh?”

The smallest walnut turned slowly in the T-Rump’s brain.

“If I may,” said the Stevecourtes. “The Tymelania did say ‘Be Best.’ So, you’ve gotta ask yourself, T-Rump. Who’s the best in your family?”