Satire The T-Rump Dig

My Wedding and Maria …

Branches snapped and wildlife scattered. The Joshrogin dino, Sub Family of the Washingtonpostian, was chasing down a big story. He traipsed through the underbrush, pausing to sniff, then doggedly continuing along, breaking trail as only a Washingtonpostian could. While the Tyrumposaurus’ time in the Oval Dwelling guaranteed a daily crisis or a weekly earthquake event, this was a dino nation colossal calamity he was bent on uncovering. It connected on seedier, more sinister levels — than even a hike to the top of the T-Rump Dump luxury caves.

The dots the Joshrogin had connected thus far were not fake news or a hoax or T-Rump harassment. There was the Andreathompson, that is, the under secretary dino of state for short arms attack and international security affairs, having her wedding to the Aussie-Barbieshrimp dino, the Davidgillian officiated by the Grandoldparty dino, the Paulerickson. The same Paulerickson who was bungling in the jungle with the recently convicted Russodino spy, the Mariabutina.

But dot-connecting was for spotted dinosaurs, the Joshrogin was looking for that piece of evidence that could topple a dino dynasty. He stopped on the beach of Spoonsoon Lagoon and scratched his noggin. Now where would a dino hide footprints in the sand from her wedding day?  

Aha! Of course. The Joshrogin peeled back the long, low-hanging, Honeysuckle branch of the Honeymoon Tree. The footprints were two years old but the special day’s moments had been perfectly preserved in the Honeysuckle shade. The unmistakably lady-like footprints from the Andreathompson read …

What a day. What a simply incredible day. You never know how your wedding day will turn out. You lie awake at night worrying about every last little detail. From the edible flowers to the guest list, you can only hope and pray things go according to plan. But it was perfect. Because, when it comes right down to it, what happens happens. So you leave it to fate. Yet you know in your heart there’s one dino who’s joining you that day. The dino that’s showing up just for you. Only you. And that dino was … Maria. I was so impressed with her.

From the moment she arrived on Paul’s arm, she came right over to me. I still remember her freckled red-skinned frame bouncing across the lagoon to visit with me. She had that fun, carefree look in her eye and that oh-so sweet, innocent face. And that knowing look, that almost sly smile, the kind that exudes confidence, so much so you feel compelled to let your guard down. And so help me, I did. Her kind, generous nature made me completely forget the 100,000 moolah-moolah leaves that our marriage official Paul had stolen from David. I mean, Paul officiating our wedding was the least he could do. If things don’t work out with David, he owes me at least three more.

But back to Maria. Sigh. My Maria. She was the most curious dino. She wanted to know all about me! Such interest! She played my emotions like, well, like I wish David would. We shared our secrets like two teenage dinos crunching, munching through a pair of Chocolatotops. She told me about the work she’d been doing with the Gunsandmoregunz dinos. After dinner, she even taught me a few Russodino words. She said they might come in handy later. I had no idea she was a Russodino! Who knew?

She asked me about my boss and his boss and on and on. She wanted to meet all of them. What ambition! I told her I’d see what I could do. After all, she’s not a Donkeykongrus, so I promised her transparency. You should’ve seen her face. She was so happy, she began crying. And since the day already had me so emotional … hey, it’s my wedding and I’ll cry if I want to!

After we wiped our happy tears away, things got a little strange. Like intriguing. In a good way. She began saying things like counter intelligence and asking me if I’d like to speak with dinos in the Putinodon’s inner circle, under the pretense of eventually speaking with him. It all sounded very exciting. She spoke very highly of him, making him sound like a really nice dino, a dino worth knowing.

It was then I could sense a little voice in the back of my head speaking up. Like that feeling you get when you’re downwind from a starving Stegosaurus?  Or maybe just the anxiety of the upcoming conjugal jungle bungle with David kicking in.

Finally, capping the end to this wonderful day, Maria said she and the Paulerickson had to be on their way. She winked at me and told me this day would be our little secret. I said of course. She told me she wanted to keep in touch. Be still, my pounding heart. I promised her I would!

Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig … Days 872 & 876

This week’s double-feature includes: Day 872–D-Day Disaster … Sparks fly when Foxsquawkbox dino, the Lauraingraham, sits down with the Tyrumposaurus in Normandia … and … Day 876–Filler Words … The Ricksantorum blindly races to the T-Rump’s defense for the umpteenth time.