Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Great Conflate …

Don’t look. But you couldn’t turn away. The putrid, icky, sticky swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir were once more bubbling over. As in desperate times called for desperate measures. The Tyrumposaurus had been caught reveling in his latest rally chant of “Send her back!” It was a racist trope targeting four female Donkeykongrus dinos of a darker skin colour. The T-Rump had then walked, er … trudged it back. For 24 hours, after which he gleefully jumped feet first back into the disgusting, rhetorical waters they were. 

With this “love it or leave it” lingo soon to become a battle cry for every wet-nosed White-striped dino, the Oval Dwelling needed to get out in front of it, to defend its divisive nature and pooh-pooh the healthy red meat it was for T-Rump’s rabid base. They’d need a dino to make things right, to clear it up with the Mediacircustops, the Chriswallace. Yes, this was a job for …

Look! Down where dogs lie! It’s a turd! It’s a pain! It’s the Stephenmillerus!

He and the Chriswallace exchanged tail bumps.

“Welcome, Stephen, you’ve been lying low for how many months?”

“What can I say, Chris. When you’re up to no good, darkness is your best friend. Shine no light on me. No, thank you.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y. Why don’t we start off with this whole racism thing? Send her back. Love it or leave it. Why shouldn’t someone see all of this as just plain racist?”

“I’m glad you asked that, Chris. Because I think the term racist has become a label that is too often deployed by the radical left Donkeykongrus dinos in this nation simply to try to silence … and punish … and suppress … dinos they disagree with, speech that they don’t want to hear. The reality is that our exalted leader the T-Rump has been a leader for all dinos.”

“You don’t truly believe that, do you?”

“Oh, but I do. Whether you look at historically low Black-striped dinos left idle, historically low Latinonachos dinos left idle or if you look at what the T-Rump’s doing with migration to protect safety, security and more, lots more moolah-moolah leaves for all dinos.”

“I can see it’s time for a reality check. The T-Rump questioned where the Obamarus was born, he called the Mexicodinos rapists, he wanted to ban the Muslimosaurae. That’s not about protecting the Milkanhoney Preservation. That’s all about race.”

“I couldn’t disagree with you more, but I’m sure I will before long. I fundamentally disagree with the view that if you criticize a dino and they happen to be a different color of skin, that that makes it a racial criticism.”

“So,” interrupted the Chriswallace, “it’s just a coincidence that all four female Donkeykongrus were dinos of color and that the T-Rump’s criticism roared across the lines of decency by telling them to go back to where they came from, when three of them were born here?”

The Stephenmillerus ignored him.

“In fact, you saw the Ayannapressley saying if you’re brown you have to speak like a brown dino and blacks like a black dino. That’s the kind of ideology the T-Rump is rejecting. Bring on the color-blind society where we can criticize migration, dino’s views and ask where dinos come from without it being racist.

“Stephen, you are one sick and twisted dino. With that rational, can you also tell dinos to go back to where they came from?”

“First of all, and I’m glad that we can now get to what I think we really want to focus on. With the send her back chant, the T-Rump was clear that he disagreed with it.”

“Oh, no you don’t. No revisionist history on my watch. He let it go on for 13 seconds. He was basking in it. Soon to become an abbreviated national anthem. He said nothing after the rally that indicated any concern whatsoever.”

“Ahem. The sooner you listen to me, the better. But I want to get to the core issue,” said the Stephenmillerus. “The very core. Follow my beady eyes, Chris. Get beady with me. The core issue here is that all the dinos in that audience and millions of patriotic dinos all across the Milkanhoney Preservation are tired of being beat up — condescended to — looked down upon — talked down to — by members of the Kongrus Kave —  on the left — in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir — and their allies — by the many Mediacircustops. And let’s get specific about it.”

“Uh-oh, here we go.”

“You heard what the Aye-Oh-Cee and the Ilhanomar said.”

“What was that?”

“Anything. If you heard it in context, it’s worse. Menacing tones. Giggling even. And yes, if you watch it in context, which I have, it’s even worse. That’s right. Worse than worse. And perhaps the most shocking of all, the Aye-Oh-Cee comparing the situation at the Great Tex-Mex Divide to the living conditions before the Final Solution, which by extension makes our fine Borderpatroller dinos like the Nazisaurae, which by extension makes us all Nazisaurae sympathizers and — stop everything — and focus on me. I actually am a Jewisaurus, and by extension that makes me profoundly outraged, which by extension I should be lying dead before you right now from grief. It is the historical smear of all dinosaur periods, a sinful, sinful comment. And those are the comments, Chris, we need to be focusing on.”

The Stephenmillerus had finally shut up. Partly because he was foaming at the mouth and had to stop to catch his breath, being careful not to choke on the phlegm. The Chriswallace seized the opportunity for his next question. 

“The T-Rump says the four female Donkeykongrus — known as the squad — hate the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump himself has called the Obamarus ignorant, that our nation has killers, and on and on. In general, is what the squad said any worse than what the T-Rump has already said?”

“It’s a great question, so I want to drill down on it with that extra evil look in my eyes because it’s really the heart of the debate. There’s a fundamental distinction between a left, right or center dino who wants to strengthen our core values which the T-Rump holds dear and a dino who wants to turn our nation into Viva-Venezuela.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. When I say whoa. I mean, Woah! … The fact of the matter is that dinos can have a legitimate difference of opinion on policies, whether we want to go one way or another.” 

The Stephenmillerus wasn’t listening. He was just waiting for the host to finish his sentence.

“What I’m saying is there’s a canyon-sized difference between our Milkanhoney Preservation First policy and an ideology that runs down our fine nation.”

“Are you saying ‘lock her up’ was an olive branch to the Crookadillary? I have yet to call the T-Rump’s Trollertweeties racist but there is no question he is stoking racial divisions.”

The Stephenmillerus raised his short arms to ease the troubled waters.

“Chris. Come with me back to the core. The core element. Once again. Three words. Milkanhoney Preservation First. Make no mistake. Everything bad the T-Rump has said and done is out of love for our fine dino nation.”

“And you said that with a straight face. Wow. What about looking out for your fellow dino at the Great Tex-Mex Divide?”

“I’m sorry. You lost me on that one.”

“Let’s switch to the garbage quote. I never thought I’d have to explain the context of garbage, but here goes. The T-Rump’s skin is on fire over a particular slur by the Aye-Oh-Cee. He said she called the dino nation garbage. But she was actually referring to her proposals for the dino nation when she said we shouldn’t settle for ten percent better than garbage.”

The Stephenmillerus’ eyes practically popped out of his head.

“It’s impossible to read the quote that way.”

“No, that’s the way every walnut-brain but two read it.”

“No, what she’s saying is that the Milkanhoney Preservation in her view right now, is garbage.”

“Once more, Steven. Look at me. Pretend I’m the T-Rump. Garbage is where we are in a policy. It’s not WHO we are. But if that’s the tact you want to take, you must remember this golden oldie from a few years back when the T-Rump was busy lambasting the Obamarus yet again about the effect he was having on our dino nation. The T-Rump said everything he touches turns to garbage. That’s not the Aye-Oh-Cee. That’s the T-Rump.”

Uh-oh. The Stephenmillerus was looking down his snout again.

“Throughout this interview, Chris, you’re continuing to conflate the T-Rump’s criticisms of the Obamarus versus the Aye-Oh-Cee’s deep and systemic criticisms of the country itself. And so, let me just cut to the heart of the issue.”

“I think you ripped the heart out of every issue a long time ago.”

“These four Donkeykongrus women want to tear down the structure of our dino nation. There’s is a deep-seated hatred. There’s a gigantic, enormous, ginormous …”

“Easy. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“… distinction between the T-Rump putting the Milkanhoney Preservation first versus their view that says our dino nation should never come first.”

“She never said that.”

“And Milkanhoney Preservation dinos should never come first.”

“Never said that either.”

“And that’s why we’re going to win next year.”

“Those are pretty bold words considering the Muellersavus is paying a visit on Wednesday. You think your acting vitriol mentor will still be around? But good luck with that. I wanted to discuss migrant family separation but I’m afraid we ran out of time.”

“Three words, Chris. Cradle-to-grave.”

“You remain one very scary dino, Stephen.”

Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Accosting Acosta …

The Alexanderacosta rued this day. He rued it as a rutabaga would rue upon learning it’s just a root. The root cause to the Alexanderacosta’s dino dilemma? The Tyrumposaurus had told him to go and clean up his mess. Pronto. That mess being a legal dino disaster he thought he’d managed to put a good eleven years behind him. Now he had to explain to the Mediacircustops why he’d given the Jeffreyepstein a suh-weetheart plea deal after the authorities had found that over a four-year period, at least three dozen young female dinos had massaged the Jeffreyepstein for non-medical reasons. It was a dino sex trafficking network and yet the Alexanderacosta had only put the Jeffreyepstein away for 13 months. Seven months technically, if you counted the 12 hours per work day he spent outside the Solitary Sinkhole.

The Alexanderacosta stepped to the flat rock podium, lifted his head … and gasped. There were only three dinos before him. But three very deadly dinos.

“The Juliebrown?”

“Hello, Alex.” She was the Mediacircustops dino who’d broken the story and knew its intricacies inside and out.

“The Eliehonig … and the Mimirocha?”

The two legal dinos nodded his way. They were two dinos not to be trifled with, however long or short their legal briefs.

The Alexanderacosta cleared his throat of a foot-long chicken bone.

“A-c-c-k-k! … Excuse me, I can never get those down. Now then, I didn’t think I’d have an audience with such experience and noted legal background. Let me begin by saying that my relationship with the T-Rump is outstanding. Okay, so, in short, this was a good deal at the time and … did I tell you that the Mickmulvaney has promised he’s going to say nothing but nice things about me. Today. For today.”

The three dinos looked at the Alexanderacosta like he had three heads.

“Oh, the details. Well, I stepped in because the Nevereverglades officials were inept. I said stop. They actually stopped. That was a shocker. Facts are being overlooked. See if you can keep up with me now. I got the Jeffreyepstein in jail when the Nevereverglades dinos were going to let him walk. I got him registered as a DIP — Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and I got him to give some moolah-moolah leaves to the girls. Twenty years, next case!”

“He didn’t get 20 years,” said the Juliebrown. “You gave him one. Barely.”

“Oh. Heh-heh. That’s right.” Think, Alex! Think! “Uh, the Nevereverglades allowed the Jeffreyepstein to self-surrender! Self-surrender! What was up with that?!”

The Juliebrown however was having none of this T-Rump-trained gas lighting.

“You might sound convincing to a dino who hasn’t read the footprints in the sand or doesn’t understand the sequence of events. But I do.”

Damn. Here it comes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by lousy legalese. The Alexanderacosta wrapped his tail around his bony knees to keep them from rattling.

“How many girls did you allow the grand dino jury to see?”

“Uh, one.”

“One girl. The thing is, you didn’t need all 36 girls. They all told the same story. It was the same M.O. over and over. It is the job of the prosecutor to make them feel secure enough so they can testify.”

“It is?”

“Did the grand dino jury ever see the Nevereverglades evidence?”

“That would be a no.”

“What about the secrecy?”

“I’m not telling. … Oh, sorry. Reflex action.”

The Juliebrown was on a roll.

“If this was such a great plea deal, why couldn’t you tell them? Instead they had to get legal dinos just so you’d talk to them. Did you really have their best interests at heart?”

“The Jeffreyepstein had seven — count’em — seven legal dinos! That’s a lotta dinosaur. I spent all my time battling them.”

The Juliebrown bared her teeth and growled.

“There were a lot of things his legal dinos were fighting for. They still wanted this to go back to the Nevereverglades, which is exactly what happened. They got what they wanted. You relented. You gave it back to the Nevereverglades. How could you? Who are you protecting?”

“The Nevereverglades were going to let him go.”


“Don’t ask me. I was only the Milkanhoney Preservation’s district dino attorney for the southern Nevereverglades. I know, it’s a mouthful, isn’t it? Sometimes I think I never really grew into it.”

“But why didn’t you take the case and try it in a Milkanhoney Preservation court? It’s a dino sex operation involving dino recruiters and dino schedulers and pilot dinos and driver dinos. Moolah-moolah dinos who paid the girls. That’s a dino nation sex trafficking crime. It’s an organization. You thought you were the hero and you simply kicked it back to the Nevereverglades. Why didn’t you tell the victims about the plea deal?” 

“I’m glad you asked that. Twice. Let’s see if I can recall the words of the career prosecutor. She didn’t want to share with the victims that the legal dinos were attempting to secure for them the ability to obtain moolah-moolah compensation because she’s aware that if she disclosed that and the negotiations fell through, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos would use this to question the victim’s credibility.”

“Really, Alex? There are two problems with that argument.”

“There are?”

“First of all, before the deal was at the point where the Jeffreyepstein appeared in dino court and actually was sentenced, she didn’t have to tell them there was a restitution provision. She could’ve just said we have a plea agreement and we’re working on it. Oh, and by the way, it was extremely unusual for the victim’s attorney to be hired and paid for by the Jeffreyepstein to handle these restitution cases. Can you say conflict?”

“Damn. It was that obvious, huh?”

“You don’t want to be boasting about that, pal,” said the Eliehonig.

“Second, when you got to the sentencing part of the trial, what’s your excuse then? You’re not going to trial. What’s your excuse for not telling them about the whole plea deal? You didn’t do that, either.”

This was getting bad. All his footprints in the sand were quickly turning into career-killing quicksand. Time to play the emergency card.

“Kellyanne! Where are you!?”

Like a crazed Tasmanian Devilsaurus, in swooped the whirling dervish, The Kellyanneconvixway. She stared down the fearsome threesome.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The Alexanderacosta this, the Alexanderacosta that. Why is he suddenly on trial? What about the Jeffreyepstein? Why aren’t you asking about him? Remember him? Young dino predator. Not a former party buddy of the T-Rump.”

“Shut up, Kellyanne!”

It was the Mimirocha and she wasn’t taking plea bargains.

“Back of the line. I’ve waited long enough to get at this legal lightweight.”

She turned her glare upon the dino Secretary of Labor. 

“Your excuses are nonsensical and self-serving.”

“Why, thank you. I’ll accept that with a notwithstanding.”

His smile shriveled up. All levity had left the cave long ago.

“You are a dino who utterly failed to do what you swore to do as legal dino, uphold justice. We want answers about why you gave the Jeffreyepstein special treatment. You claimed that you wanted to help his victims, but in reality, there was absolutely nothing about the Nevereverglades prosecution that would have prevented dino nation authorities from pursuing a full-throttle investigation of the Jeffreyepstein’s crimes—which clearly rose to the level of dino nation sex trafficking.”

“The bones! Remember rolling the bones? I mentioned there was a chance we could lose it all on a roll of the bones.”

“Look at me.” 

The Alexanderacosta slowly looked up at her with his dazed lizard eyes. His tongue stuck out, lolly-gagging to the side. He looked like a giant gecko on the verge of heat stroke.

“It is unfathomable that dino nation sex trafficking charges would not have been approved. And in a case this strong, the risk was minimal.”

“Victim shaming,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What did you say?”

“Uh … victim shaming?”

“Don’t even go there.” She stopped short of biting his tail off and stuffing it down his throat. “That’s an insulting excuse. At the time you decided not to prosecute the Jeffreyepstein, dozens of victims already had come forward to share what he’d done to them. Their statements were corroborated by other evidence discovered by dino investigators. The prosecutors and Langleyops dino agents amassed enough evidence to support a 82-footprints in the sand prosecution memo and a 53-footprints in the sand draft indictment for a dino nation sex trafficking case. Finally, let’s talk about the breakfast meeting.”

“Do we have to?” 

“It’s giving you indigestion, isn’t it? It should. Was this working breakfast at your legal dino cave?”

“Oh, no. It was in an out-of-the-way, hole-in-the-wall for matters kept completely in. Cog. Nee. Tow. Oops. But the substance was unimportant. Very unimportant.”

“That’s an astonishing explanation … and not what the dino judge said. He said negotiations of the secret non-prosecution deal—which the Jeffreyepstein team was adamant about keeping from the victims—was the hot topic the day of your breakfast meeting.”

The Alexanderacosta was beat. He looked like a whipped Puppysaurus. He wanted to roll over and die. But the Mimirocha wasn’t done.

“The question remains, why, Alex? Why? The job of dino prosecutors representing the Milkanhoney Preservation is to uphold the law and vindicate the victims despite these tactics. You failed at this fundamental responsibility of your position. We know the Jeffreyepstein’s motive. What was yours?

“I — I … next question.”

“Oh, it’s a question alright, Alex.” It was the Eliehonig. “And a note and then a list. Why in the world did you immunize the co-conspirators around Epstein? Could it be you’re trying to — I don’t know — protect them?”

The Alexanderacosta was beginning to crack. The Cheshire Cat grin on Elie’s face was doing him in.

“The Labor of Secretary,” he sobbed. “It’s all I ever wanted.”

“Hang in there, Alex, I’m not done yet. My buddy, the Barrykrischer, you remember him. The dino prosecutor in the Nevereverglades? He said you’re completely wrong. He said the 53-footprint indictment was abandoned after secret negotiations between you and the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos. Now why was that?”

“We only had the weekend?

“Wrong again. You had all the time in the world.”

“You don’t understand. It was a tight schedule. The Jeffreyepstein’s sched–I mean, if there’s one thing the T-Rump taught me, time is moolah-moolah. And to bill accordingly. You, uh … mentioned a list?”

“Yes, my friend, the Sethabramson gave me a list of dinos who you really want to blame for your errors and corruption.”

“He did? I do? Who?”

“That would be the Nevereverglades prosecutors and investigators, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos, the Jeffreyepstein himself … oh, and the victims too.”

The Alexanderacosta sank into the depths of delirium.

“Oh, could you? Please?”

The jig was up.

Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Winter’s Coming …

The Georgehazel squatted atop Prudent Perch, a judicial weigh station on the side of Principled Peak, overlooking the Sane Plain. It was a small region growing smaller due to the encroaching swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, eerily coinciding with the Tyrumposaurus’ rise to power. 

The dino district judge glared down at the legal dinos he’d hastily summoned before him. There was the Joshgardner from the DOJ (Dinos Open Jawed) and his boss, the Jodyhunt, who was just one dino ambush away from replacing the Williambarr as the attorney dino general, the loftiest legal dino in the land. The plaintiffs were represented by the Shankarduraiswamy and the Denisehulett. At stake was indeed the law of the land. This was a bona fide Continental Divide crisis.

The Tyvankanatrix sauntered into the group, her carefree, gleaming smile leading the way. The judge looked up.

“What are you doing here?”

“The narrator said it was a Continental Divide crisis. Here I am,” she said, with a quick pirouette.

“To help solve it?”

“No. Just to be here.”

She batted her eyelids at the legal dinos and gave them a look of mock seriousness, trying to blend in. But still stick out of course. It was a delicate balance, like her leather skin maintaining that soft, puckered look.

“Get out of my court!” roared the Georgehazel.

“Hmph,” she sniffed. “Wait til I tell daddy. He calls me his princess and says I can go anywhere I want. By the way, there’s only one female dino here.”

She strode off, head held high. The dino judge calmed himself and turned to the Joshgardner.

“First off, Josh, I want to apologize for interrupting your vacation. I understand you were in the Yellow Buslands dining on Desegregators.” The judge smacked his lips. “White or Black-Striped?”

The Joshgardner shrugged.

“Whatever I could separate from the pack. Tastes like chicken, both of’em”

“I won’t keep you long. Now then, I was cooling my arthritic joints in the calming waters of Creaky Creek this morning when I heard T-Rump’s Trollertweety flying overhead. I’m sure you all heard it as well. The T-Rump’s, ahem … message from his throne directly contradicted what you told me yesterday. Is he playing some game? You told me the citizenship question will not be on next year’s dino census. I made myself perfectly clear. And now this. Short of biting your head off, Josh, what’s it going to be?”

“Uh, I just want to say, your Honor, that I’ve been with the DOJ for 16 years and … well, this is just bat-poop crazy. I watched the Wilburross put his footprint in the sand. Saw it with my own two eyes. No citizenship question. Honest. And if I may say, let me assure you, I am doing my absolute best to figure out what the hell is going on.”

“Your turn, Shankar.”

“Your Honor. This calls for a stipulated order …”

The Joshgardner cringed.

“N-o-o-o-o! Not a stipulated order!”

“Oh, yes,” continued the Shankarduraiswamy. “A stipulated order telling the T-Rump to stop his campaign of misinformation. And to tell the dinos that he’s very sorry and that he should never have sent that Trollertweety out in the first place.”

The dino judge frowned.

“You do know who we’re talking about here? … Okay, let’s just say for the sake of argument … what am I saying? You don’t have to be a three-eyed raven. We know this is going to happen. The T-Rump will refuse to listen and he will double down per usual. What’s the basis for me to order him not to? Is this what we’ve come to? The T-Rump not respecting my authority? To run amok throughout the land. What then?”

“Um … that little thing called justice?” Shankar said in a tiny voice. “You can issue an injunction barring further inquiry. It’s appropriate and within your power. You can do it, judge.”

“Your Honor.” It was the Denisehulett. “If I may add something.”

“Please do. Our dino democracy stands at the very precipice.”

“It is nonsensical how the T-Rump continues to endanger the Latinonachos. He is driving them away as we speak. It doesn’t stop. It never ends. The T-Rump is violating our census and our senses. He’s a monster! Please, your Honor. DO something before he takes over the Milkanhoney Preservation!”

“Thank you. I’m well aware of our basic rights and needs as dinos. In the south and the north. Dare I say, winter’s coming for all of us. As for stopping the T-Rump’s Trollertweeties on this matter, I may as well ask him to stop lying.”

“Aren’t they one and the same?” asked Shankar.

The dino judge turned to the Joshgardner.

“Be that as it may, you’re the only dino here who appears to be more confused than I am. What say you to the plaintiff’s legal dino’s concerns?”

“Well, ahem … we have a very fluid situation here that we’re trying to wrap our short arms around. You know the T-Rump. I can’t possibly predict what he’s going to do next. But I do promise to keep an eye and an ear on the sky for his next Trollertweety and to get right back to you.”

“An eye and an ear to the sky? That’s where we’re at?”

“Your Honor.” It was the Jodyhunt. “I’d just like to remind everyone, I worked under the Sessionsopossum when the T-Rump called him beleaguered, when the T-Rump threw him under the Priebusunderbus daily, when the T-Rump fired him …”

“One case at a time,” said the judge.

“No, what I’m getting at here, your Honor, is that I’ve seen the carnage the T-Rump leaves behind. The stark fear and devastation.” He looked with pleading eyes up to the grizzled Georgehazel. “What we desperately need here is … is a path forward.”

“A path forward?”

“Yes, a near-term option, something viable, something possible — that’s consistent of course with the Supreme Dino Court’s decision, that would allow us to put the citizenship question on the census.”

“Dino dung!” snapped the judge. “I’m giving you two days to come up with a better response than this, this pathetic, poetic ‘path forward’ drivel.”

“But tomorrow’s the Fourth of T-Rump,” whined the Joshgardner.

The Jodyhunt quieted his colleague and turned to the dino judge. 

“Your Honor,” he said slowly. “We don’t need two days.”

The assistant attorney dino general eyed the dino judge gravely in the still mountain air. 

“Bend the knee.”