Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Great Conflate …

Don’t look. But you couldn’t turn away. The putrid, icky, sticky swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir were once more bubbling over. As in desperate times called for desperate measures. The Tyrumposaurus had been caught …

Don’t look. But you couldn’t turn away. The putrid, icky, sticky swamp waters of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir were once more bubbling over. As in desperate times called for desperate measures. The Tyrumposaurus had been caught reveling in his latest rally chant of “Send her back!” It was a racist trope targeting four female Donkeykongrus dinos of a darker skin colour. The T-Rump had then walked, er … trudged it back. For 24 hours, after which he gleefully jumped feet first back into the disgusting, rhetorical waters they were. 

With this “love it or leave it” lingo soon to become a battle cry for every wet-nosed White-striped dino, the Oval Dwelling needed to get out in front of it, to defend its divisive nature and pooh-pooh the healthy red meat it was for T-Rump’s rabid base. They’d need a dino to make things right, to clear it up with the Mediacircustops, the Chriswallace. Yes, this was a job for …

Look! Down where dogs lie! It’s a turd! It’s a pain! It’s the Stephenmillerus!

He and the Chriswallace exchanged tail bumps.

“Welcome, Stephen, you’ve been lying low for how many months?”

“What can I say, Chris. When you’re up to no good, darkness is your best friend. Shine no light on me. No, thank you.”

“O-k-a-a-a-y. Why don’t we start off with this whole racism thing? Send her back. Love it or leave it. Why shouldn’t someone see all of this as just plain racist?”

“I’m glad you asked that, Chris. Because I think the term racist has become a label that is too often deployed by the radical left Donkeykongrus dinos in this nation simply to try to silence … and punish … and suppress … dinos they disagree with, speech that they don’t want to hear. The reality is that our exalted leader the T-Rump has been a leader for all dinos.”

“You don’t truly believe that, do you?”

“Oh, but I do. Whether you look at historically low Black-striped dinos left idle, historically low Latinonachos dinos left idle or if you look at what the T-Rump’s doing with migration to protect safety, security and more, lots more moolah-moolah leaves for all dinos.”

“I can see it’s time for a reality check. The T-Rump questioned where the Obamarus was born, he called the Mexicodinos rapists, he wanted to ban the Muslimosaurae. That’s not about protecting the Milkanhoney Preservation. That’s all about race.”

“I couldn’t disagree with you more, but I’m sure I will before long. I fundamentally disagree with the view that if you criticize a dino and they happen to be a different color of skin, that that makes it a racial criticism.”

“So,” interrupted the Chriswallace, “it’s just a coincidence that all four female Donkeykongrus were dinos of color and that the T-Rump’s criticism roared across the lines of decency by telling them to go back to where they came from, when three of them were born here?”

The Stephenmillerus ignored him.

“In fact, you saw the Ayannapressley saying if you’re brown you have to speak like a brown dino and blacks like a black dino. That’s the kind of ideology the T-Rump is rejecting. Bring on the color-blind society where we can criticize migration, dino’s views and ask where dinos come from without it being racist.

“Stephen, you are one sick and twisted dino. With that rational, can you also tell dinos to go back to where they came from?”

“First of all, and I’m glad that we can now get to what I think we really want to focus on. With the send her back chant, the T-Rump was clear that he disagreed with it.”

“Oh, no you don’t. No revisionist history on my watch. He let it go on for 13 seconds. He was basking in it. Soon to become an abbreviated national anthem. He said nothing after the rally that indicated any concern whatsoever.”

“Ahem. The sooner you listen to me, the better. But I want to get to the core issue,” said the Stephenmillerus. “The very core. Follow my beady eyes, Chris. Get beady with me. The core issue here is that all the dinos in that audience and millions of patriotic dinos all across the Milkanhoney Preservation are tired of being beat up — condescended to — looked down upon — talked down to — by members of the Kongrus Kave —  on the left — in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir — and their allies — by the many Mediacircustops. And let’s get specific about it.”

“Uh-oh, here we go.”

“You heard what the Aye-Oh-Cee and the Ilhanomar said.”

“What was that?”

“Anything. If you heard it in context, it’s worse. Menacing tones. Giggling even. And yes, if you watch it in context, which I have, it’s even worse. That’s right. Worse than worse. And perhaps the most shocking of all, the Aye-Oh-Cee comparing the situation at the Great Tex-Mex Divide to the living conditions before the Final Solution, which by extension makes our fine Borderpatroller dinos like the Nazisaurae, which by extension makes us all Nazisaurae sympathizers and — stop everything — and focus on me. I actually am a Jewisaurus, and by extension that makes me profoundly outraged, which by extension I should be lying dead before you right now from grief. It is the historical smear of all dinosaur periods, a sinful, sinful comment. And those are the comments, Chris, we need to be focusing on.”

The Stephenmillerus had finally shut up. Partly because he was foaming at the mouth and had to stop to catch his breath, being careful not to choke on the phlegm. The Chriswallace seized the opportunity for his next question. 

“The T-Rump says the four female Donkeykongrus — known as the squad — hate the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump himself has called the Obamarus ignorant, that our nation has killers, and on and on. In general, is what the squad said any worse than what the T-Rump has already said?”

“It’s a great question, so I want to drill down on it with that extra evil look in my eyes because it’s really the heart of the debate. There’s a fundamental distinction between a left, right or center dino who wants to strengthen our core values which the T-Rump holds dear and a dino who wants to turn our nation into Viva-Venezuela.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. When I say whoa. I mean, Woah! … The fact of the matter is that dinos can have a legitimate difference of opinion on policies, whether we want to go one way or another.” 

The Stephenmillerus wasn’t listening. He was just waiting for the host to finish his sentence.

“What I’m saying is there’s a canyon-sized difference between our Milkanhoney Preservation First policy and an ideology that runs down our fine nation.”

“Are you saying ‘lock her up’ was an olive branch to the Crookadillary? I have yet to call the T-Rump’s Trollertweeties racist but there is no question he is stoking racial divisions.”

The Stephenmillerus raised his short arms to ease the troubled waters.

“Chris. Come with me back to the core. The core element. Once again. Three words. Milkanhoney Preservation First. Make no mistake. Everything bad the T-Rump has said and done is out of love for our fine dino nation.”

“And you said that with a straight face. Wow. What about looking out for your fellow dino at the Great Tex-Mex Divide?”

“I’m sorry. You lost me on that one.”

“Let’s switch to the garbage quote. I never thought I’d have to explain the context of garbage, but here goes. The T-Rump’s skin is on fire over a particular slur by the Aye-Oh-Cee. He said she called the dino nation garbage. But she was actually referring to her proposals for the dino nation when she said we shouldn’t settle for ten percent better than garbage.”

The Stephenmillerus’ eyes practically popped out of his head.

“It’s impossible to read the quote that way.”

“No, that’s the way every walnut-brain but two read it.”

“No, what she’s saying is that the Milkanhoney Preservation in her view right now, is garbage.”

“Once more, Steven. Look at me. Pretend I’m the T-Rump. Garbage is where we are in a policy. It’s not WHO we are. But if that’s the tact you want to take, you must remember this golden oldie from a few years back when the T-Rump was busy lambasting the Obamarus yet again about the effect he was having on our dino nation. The T-Rump said everything he touches turns to garbage. That’s not the Aye-Oh-Cee. That’s the T-Rump.”

Uh-oh. The Stephenmillerus was looking down his snout again.

“Throughout this interview, Chris, you’re continuing to conflate the T-Rump’s criticisms of the Obamarus versus the Aye-Oh-Cee’s deep and systemic criticisms of the country itself. And so, let me just cut to the heart of the issue.”

“I think you ripped the heart out of every issue a long time ago.”

“These four Donkeykongrus women want to tear down the structure of our dino nation. There’s is a deep-seated hatred. There’s a gigantic, enormous, ginormous …”

“Easy. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“… distinction between the T-Rump putting the Milkanhoney Preservation first versus their view that says our dino nation should never come first.”

“She never said that.”

“And Milkanhoney Preservation dinos should never come first.”

“Never said that either.”

“And that’s why we’re going to win next year.”

“Those are pretty bold words considering the Muellersavus is paying a visit on Wednesday. You think your acting vitriol mentor will still be around? But good luck with that. I wanted to discuss migrant family separation but I’m afraid we ran out of time.”

“Three words, Chris. Cradle-to-grave.”

“You remain one very scary dino, Stephen.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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