Humor Satire The T-Rump Dig

Accosting Acosta …

The Alexanderacosta rued this day. He rued it as a rutabaga would rue upon learning it’s just a root. The root cause to the Alexanderacosta’s dino dilemma? The Tyrumposaurus had told him to go and clean up his mess. Pronto. …

The Alexanderacosta rued this day. He rued it as a rutabaga would rue upon learning it’s just a root. The root cause to the Alexanderacosta’s dino dilemma? The Tyrumposaurus had told him to go and clean up his mess. Pronto. That mess being a legal dino disaster he thought he’d managed to put a good eleven years behind him. Now he had to explain to the Mediacircustops why he’d given the Jeffreyepstein a suh-weetheart plea deal after the authorities had found that over a four-year period, at least three dozen young female dinos had massaged the Jeffreyepstein for non-medical reasons. It was a dino sex trafficking network and yet the Alexanderacosta had only put the Jeffreyepstein away for 13 months. Seven months technically, if you counted the 12 hours per work day he spent outside the Solitary Sinkhole.

The Alexanderacosta stepped to the flat rock podium, lifted his head … and gasped. There were only three dinos before him. But three very deadly dinos.

“The Juliebrown?”

“Hello, Alex.” She was the Mediacircustops dino who’d broken the story and knew its intricacies inside and out.

“The Eliehonig … and the Mimirocha?”

The two legal dinos nodded his way. They were two dinos not to be trifled with, however long or short their legal briefs.

The Alexanderacosta cleared his throat of a foot-long chicken bone.

“A-c-c-k-k! … Excuse me, I can never get those down. Now then, I didn’t think I’d have an audience with such experience and noted legal background. Let me begin by saying that my relationship with the T-Rump is outstanding. Okay, so, in short, this was a good deal at the time and … did I tell you that the Mickmulvaney has promised he’s going to say nothing but nice things about me. Today. For today.”

The three dinos looked at the Alexanderacosta like he had three heads.

“Oh, the details. Well, I stepped in because the Nevereverglades officials were inept. I said stop. They actually stopped. That was a shocker. Facts are being overlooked. See if you can keep up with me now. I got the Jeffreyepstein in jail when the Nevereverglades dinos were going to let him walk. I got him registered as a DIP — Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and I got him to give some moolah-moolah leaves to the girls. Twenty years, next case!”

“He didn’t get 20 years,” said the Juliebrown. “You gave him one. Barely.”

“Oh. Heh-heh. That’s right.” Think, Alex! Think! “Uh, the Nevereverglades allowed the Jeffreyepstein to self-surrender! Self-surrender! What was up with that?!”

The Juliebrown however was having none of this T-Rump-trained gas lighting.

“You might sound convincing to a dino who hasn’t read the footprints in the sand or doesn’t understand the sequence of events. But I do.”

Damn. Here it comes. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned by lousy legalese. The Alexanderacosta wrapped his tail around his bony knees to keep them from rattling.

“How many girls did you allow the grand dino jury to see?”

“Uh, one.”

“One girl. The thing is, you didn’t need all 36 girls. They all told the same story. It was the same M.O. over and over. It is the job of the prosecutor to make them feel secure enough so they can testify.”

“It is?”

“Did the grand dino jury ever see the Nevereverglades evidence?”

“That would be a no.”

“What about the secrecy?”

“I’m not telling. … Oh, sorry. Reflex action.”

The Juliebrown was on a roll.

“If this was such a great plea deal, why couldn’t you tell them? Instead they had to get legal dinos just so you’d talk to them. Did you really have their best interests at heart?”

“The Jeffreyepstein had seven — count’em — seven legal dinos! That’s a lotta dinosaur. I spent all my time battling them.”

The Juliebrown bared her teeth and growled.

“There were a lot of things his legal dinos were fighting for. They still wanted this to go back to the Nevereverglades, which is exactly what happened. They got what they wanted. You relented. You gave it back to the Nevereverglades. How could you? Who are you protecting?”

“The Nevereverglades were going to let him go.”


“Don’t ask me. I was only the Milkanhoney Preservation’s district dino attorney for the southern Nevereverglades. I know, it’s a mouthful, isn’t it? Sometimes I think I never really grew into it.”

“But why didn’t you take the case and try it in a Milkanhoney Preservation court? It’s a dino sex operation involving dino recruiters and dino schedulers and pilot dinos and driver dinos. Moolah-moolah dinos who paid the girls. That’s a dino nation sex trafficking crime. It’s an organization. You thought you were the hero and you simply kicked it back to the Nevereverglades. Why didn’t you tell the victims about the plea deal?” 

“I’m glad you asked that. Twice. Let’s see if I can recall the words of the career prosecutor. She didn’t want to share with the victims that the legal dinos were attempting to secure for them the ability to obtain moolah-moolah compensation because she’s aware that if she disclosed that and the negotiations fell through, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos would use this to question the victim’s credibility.”

“Really, Alex? There are two problems with that argument.”

“There are?”

“First of all, before the deal was at the point where the Jeffreyepstein appeared in dino court and actually was sentenced, she didn’t have to tell them there was a restitution provision. She could’ve just said we have a plea agreement and we’re working on it. Oh, and by the way, it was extremely unusual for the victim’s attorney to be hired and paid for by the Jeffreyepstein to handle these restitution cases. Can you say conflict?”

“Damn. It was that obvious, huh?”

“You don’t want to be boasting about that, pal,” said the Eliehonig.

“Second, when you got to the sentencing part of the trial, what’s your excuse then? You’re not going to trial. What’s your excuse for not telling them about the whole plea deal? You didn’t do that, either.”

This was getting bad. All his footprints in the sand were quickly turning into career-killing quicksand. Time to play the emergency card.

“Kellyanne! Where are you!?”

Like a crazed Tasmanian Devilsaurus, in swooped the whirling dervish, The Kellyanneconvixway. She stared down the fearsome threesome.

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The Alexanderacosta this, the Alexanderacosta that. Why is he suddenly on trial? What about the Jeffreyepstein? Why aren’t you asking about him? Remember him? Young dino predator. Not a former party buddy of the T-Rump.”

“Shut up, Kellyanne!”

It was the Mimirocha and she wasn’t taking plea bargains.

“Back of the line. I’ve waited long enough to get at this legal lightweight.”

She turned her glare upon the dino Secretary of Labor. 

“Your excuses are nonsensical and self-serving.”

“Why, thank you. I’ll accept that with a notwithstanding.”

His smile shriveled up. All levity had left the cave long ago.

“You are a dino who utterly failed to do what you swore to do as legal dino, uphold justice. We want answers about why you gave the Jeffreyepstein special treatment. You claimed that you wanted to help his victims, but in reality, there was absolutely nothing about the Nevereverglades prosecution that would have prevented dino nation authorities from pursuing a full-throttle investigation of the Jeffreyepstein’s crimes—which clearly rose to the level of dino nation sex trafficking.”

“The bones! Remember rolling the bones? I mentioned there was a chance we could lose it all on a roll of the bones.”

“Look at me.” 

The Alexanderacosta slowly looked up at her with his dazed lizard eyes. His tongue stuck out, lolly-gagging to the side. He looked like a giant gecko on the verge of heat stroke.

“It is unfathomable that dino nation sex trafficking charges would not have been approved. And in a case this strong, the risk was minimal.”

“Victim shaming,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What did you say?”

“Uh … victim shaming?”

“Don’t even go there.” She stopped short of biting his tail off and stuffing it down his throat. “That’s an insulting excuse. At the time you decided not to prosecute the Jeffreyepstein, dozens of victims already had come forward to share what he’d done to them. Their statements were corroborated by other evidence discovered by dino investigators. The prosecutors and Langleyops dino agents amassed enough evidence to support a 82-footprints in the sand prosecution memo and a 53-footprints in the sand draft indictment for a dino nation sex trafficking case. Finally, let’s talk about the breakfast meeting.”

“Do we have to?” 

“It’s giving you indigestion, isn’t it? It should. Was this working breakfast at your legal dino cave?”

“Oh, no. It was in an out-of-the-way, hole-in-the-wall for matters kept completely in. Cog. Nee. Tow. Oops. But the substance was unimportant. Very unimportant.”

“That’s an astonishing explanation … and not what the dino judge said. He said negotiations of the secret non-prosecution deal—which the Jeffreyepstein team was adamant about keeping from the victims—was the hot topic the day of your breakfast meeting.”

The Alexanderacosta was beat. He looked like a whipped Puppysaurus. He wanted to roll over and die. But the Mimirocha wasn’t done.

“The question remains, why, Alex? Why? The job of dino prosecutors representing the Milkanhoney Preservation is to uphold the law and vindicate the victims despite these tactics. You failed at this fundamental responsibility of your position. We know the Jeffreyepstein’s motive. What was yours?

“I — I … next question.”

“Oh, it’s a question alright, Alex.” It was the Eliehonig. “And a note and then a list. Why in the world did you immunize the co-conspirators around Epstein? Could it be you’re trying to — I don’t know — protect them?”

The Alexanderacosta was beginning to crack. The Cheshire Cat grin on Elie’s face was doing him in.

“The Labor of Secretary,” he sobbed. “It’s all I ever wanted.”

“Hang in there, Alex, I’m not done yet. My buddy, the Barrykrischer, you remember him. The dino prosecutor in the Nevereverglades? He said you’re completely wrong. He said the 53-footprint indictment was abandoned after secret negotiations between you and the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos. Now why was that?”

“We only had the weekend?

“Wrong again. You had all the time in the world.”

“You don’t understand. It was a tight schedule. The Jeffreyepstein’s sched–I mean, if there’s one thing the T-Rump taught me, time is moolah-moolah. And to bill accordingly. You, uh … mentioned a list?”

“Yes, my friend, the Sethabramson gave me a list of dinos who you really want to blame for your errors and corruption.”

“He did? I do? Who?”

“That would be the Nevereverglades prosecutors and investigators, the Jeffreyepstein’s legal dinos, the Jeffreyepstein himself … oh, and the victims too.”

The Alexanderacosta sank into the depths of delirium.

“Oh, could you? Please?”

The jig was up.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s