Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Lewd, Crude and Screwed …

The Solitary Sinkhole guard let out a low whistle.

The Jeffreyepstein had just checked in the day before. His new home was a hole beside the Georgenader, holed up himself beside the Michaelcohen. It was old home week and look who was coming to visit. The tyrant. The king of chaos. The Tyrumposaurus.

The T-Rump looked down at the Jeffreyepstein.

“Hey, Jeff. What’s the score?”

“I’ve still got you beat by a dozen, 36-24,” came the grinning response.

The Jeffreyepstein was referring of course to the number of female victims the two dinos had sexually abused or trafficked — allegedly — in the Milkanhoney Preservation. The T-Rump beamed back at him.

“You’re a terrific dino. Just terrific. So much fun to be with. You like beautiful dinos as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. Which brings us to why we’re here. You on the inside and me on the outside.”

“Being the leader of the free-running dino world does have its perks,” said the Jeffreyepstein.

“Oh, I have free run all right. And I want it to stay that way. Which is why you’re going to be very happy to see who I’ve brought with me.” He stepped aside, revealing the Alexanderacosta. “Your get out of jail card. Tell’em, Michael.”

The Michaelcohen shifted nervously in his squat.

“I don’t work for you anymore, T-Rump.”

“Nonsense. Fake news. Go ahead and tell everyone.” 

“Everyone already knows.

The T-Rump’s face turned grim. His orange skin grew heated. His former legal dino knew the T-Rump would soon begin holding his breath. That or a temper tantrum was imminent. He sighed. His ex-boss was such an embarrassment.

“Okay, just so you can leave me alone as soon as possible, I’ll tell the story. 11 years ago, sexual relations with three dozen underage dinos had Jeffrey in deep, deep trouble. Allegedly. The Alexanderacosta brokered a deal with Jeffrey’s legal dino where Jeffrey pleaded guilty to two charges. He avoided a trial, served just 13 months in the Solitary Sinkhole instead of life, he registered as a DIP — a Depraved Incorrigible Pervert — and paid some moolah-moolah leaves to the victims. It was the deal of a lifetime.”

“The greatest legal con job in dino history,” the T-Rump said glowingly, clapping the Alexanderacosta on the back. “How come you never did anything like that for me, Michael?”

“Uh, because I knew you’d never make me the Secretary of Labor?”

Awkward pause. In jumped the Georgenader.

“T-Rump, remember me? Your Saudisaurae-Russodino liaison dino?”

“Acting, right? Oh, George! What are you doing here?”

“I, uh … I don’t travel well.”

“That’s right. Now I remember. Last month. So long ago.”

“Can I play your game, T-Rump?”

“What game?”

“Your scoreboard game. Did you want to know how many young dinos I–”

“No! No, I don’t. Sorry, George. You’re disqualified. We’re keeping track of women only.”

“T-Rump?” The Jeffreyepstein raised a short arm.

“Right, Jeff. Young women do count. Because you and I go back 25 years. But only if they look like my daughter.”

The two dinos traded lecherous, sinister grins.

A pang of jealousy crept into the Michaelcohen’s head as he took in the Alexanderacosta. What was so special about this ex-legal dino? Not only was he being investigated for his plea agreement but he welcomed it. The legal dino shook his head in wonder. The Alexanderacosta was a reptile about to be crushed in Broncosaurus rush hour traffic.

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“Jeff, it’s been a few years and I need to know you can keep that Jane Doe thing hush hush.” 

“Don’t worry, T-Rump. We’ve got the Williambarr and the Brettkavanaugh on our side now.”

“And MBS and MBZ,” said the Georgenader. “And don’t forget the Putinodon.”

“George, I’m more concerned about myself than foreign policy. And it’s this dino I’m worried about.” The T-Rump pointed to the Michaelcohen. “You told the authorities about the hush payments to the Stormydaniels and the Karencdougal. You even implicated me, which is more fake news. And here I am. Still just visiting. So, Michael, what other beautiful dinos did you tell them about?”

“There were so many. The last week before the November battle was a blur.” The Michaelcohen was enjoying this, watching the T-Rump squirm. “All I can say is that they have all my footprints in the sand. Every last one.”


“Meaning I can sleep easy at night and you can’t. Speaking of which, just nine sleeps before the Muellersavus speaks before several committees. I’m sorry. Does that worry you?

The T-Rump turned to the Jeffreyepstein.

“These young dinos and their accusations of death threats. How often are these coming up?”

“Pretty much every case.”

“Well, it’s not like we killed any dinos. Still, we need to get out ahead of it.”

“How do you plan on doing that?” asked the Jeffreyepstein.

“Easy. I don’t even need the Stephenmillerus on this one. For maximum play, I’ll just add it to my daily rant. No collusion! No obstruction! No death threats! What do you think?”

“Sounds great. Say, T-Rump. I was just wondering, Those young dinos you lost track of at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Where’d they wind up anyway?”

“Yes,” echoed the Georgenader, eagerly grasping his hands together. “Where are they now?”

In the background, the security guard had to turn away. He was sure he was going to be physically ill.