Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Price is Right Peace Plan …

“Good evening. You’re in the Sit You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m the Wolfblitzer.”
The grizzled, grey-skinned Mediacircustops, looked around the cramped cave at his loyal, captive audience. That is, a dozen tree-rubbing herbivores who’d discovered a liberal patch of bluegrass in the corner two weeks before.

“Good evening. You’re in the Sit You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m the Wolfblitzer.”

The grizzled, grey-skinned Mediacircustops, looked around the cramped cave at his loyal, captive audience. That is, a dozen tree-rubbing herbivores who’d discovered a liberal patch of bluegrass in the corner two weeks before. They’d refused to leave, munching thoughtfully through each of his hard-hitting interviews.

“We have — you guessed it — breaking news or as I like to call it, Uh-Oh, What Did the T-Rump Do Today? The Tyrumposaurus slammed the Special Counsel dino, the Muellersavus yet again in his daily diatribe. This comes as the Muellersavus will be speaking before two Kongrus Kave committees next month. I’ll be talking about that with a key dino from the T-Rump’s inner circle and his family, proving once more that nepotism is not extinct. Welcome the son-in-law and Senior-Go-To-Dino for the T-Rump, the Kushneratops.”

The sound of munching in the background.

“Jared, before I rake you over the coals, I want to get your reaction to the T-Rump accusing the Muellersavus of harassment. This comes after the leader of the Dino Nation has been roaring from the Oval Dwelling that the Muellersavus’ Report exonerates him. What is the T-Rump afraid of that he doesn’t want the Muellersavus to say? What in the world is going on?”

“Honestly, Wolf. Collusion with the Russodinos? Please. Utter nonsense and a waste of time. But I was happy to cooperate with any investigations.”

“Does that include the investigation into the long list of reasons why you shouldn’t have received your security clearance?”

“I married his daughter, Wolf. I think he can trust me.”

“Getting back to the report. The Muellersavus did conclude there was Russodino interference. So it wasn’t a complete waste of time, was it?”

The Kushneratops put on his pouty face.

“I don’t think that’s why they’re calling him, but it’s kind of neither here nor there.”

“Then, ahem … where is it?”

The Kushneratops’ pouty face grew … poutier.

“What do you mean where? How dare you question my purposely vague and ambiguous response!”

“Welcome to the world of feet-to-the-fire questions. You’re in the Sit, You, Yeah, You! Room and I’m Wolf … Oh, I already said that. Let’s get to another sensitive issue where I’m sure you’ll give me that not-another-hangnail look. You began with no foreign policy experience in the Middle Eastlands and now the T-Rump has tossed the Migration Dilemma into your lap. You do know about the two Latinonachos who drowned at the Great Tex-Mex Divide. Such deplorable conditions. You’re a father with dino tots. Why isn’t your father-in-law doing more to protect families?

“I don’t think that’s a fair question, Wolf.”

“Not fair? Forgive me for ruffling your feathers — again — but I’m not a Foxsquawkbox dino and your job description does include looking out for the welfare of any and all dinos who are on Milkanhoney Preservation soil.”

The Kushneratops bristled.

“The T-Rump has been very clear. It’s a dino-eat-dino world out there. This is where the moolah-moolah is and that’s why dinos want to come. The T-Rump wants them to come and their numbers are down thanks to his great leadership.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. But these dino tots, shouldn’t they at least be taken care of?”

“Absolutely. Wherever they are. We’re doing the best we can. But it’s obviously an unusual circumstance. We’re working hard to improve the situation.”

The Wolfblitzer scowled at him.

“That was another vague, ambiguous and dare I say cryptic answer.”

“Okay, Wolf, I’ll level with you in the vernacular our base has no problem following.”

“Please do.”

“I know it’s something the T-Rump’s looking at. There’s a bunch of different versions and a bunch of different clauses being discussed. A bunch of different, uh … stuff.  But I know he’s looking at it. I know that.”

“I’m sorry, Jared. You’re not giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling. But maybe it’s because I’m a reptile. Let’s move on to your long-awaited peace plan for the Middle Eastlands. You claim to have the hey-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer to stop dinos from attacking other dinos in the Middle Eastlands. Hmph. I understand nobody showed up.”

“That’s right. No Palestinos and no Israelisaurae. But everyone else was there.”

“Except the two parties that mattered the most.”

“The plan, Wolf. The plan! I spent two weeks, I mean … two years working on it. It got great acclaim. It’s ambitious. It’s thoughtful. Very thoughtful. And detailed. Lots of details.”

“Such as?”

“I can’t get into that now, but remember, the T-Rump is known for keeping his word. I can tell you he’s just put forward a very detailed 140-footprints in the sand How to Live plan with a lot of detail that’s getting very, very wide acclaim. Dinos think it’s very competent, very smart, very thoughtful.”

“How thoughtful?”

“Why, thank you.”

“No, I was asking … never mind. Will there be a two-dino solution, the Palestinos and the Israelisaurae, each with land to call their home?”

“Wolf, after we give them 50 billion moolah-moolah leaves, they would live in the same cave. I would.”

“Not so sure about that. What about security?”

“The T-Rump wants security for both parties. I don’t see why they can’t live side by side, together like we do right here in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“Not at all. We’re also rolling out a peace plan that will have all the details — about 60 footprints in the sand at this point. Again, it’s probably the most detailed proposal ever put out. Coming on the heels of the 140 footprints-in-the-sand Way of Life plan, that’s 200 footprints of plans, Wolf. Has to be the most. Has to.”

“So what you’re saying is that the Palestinos will not be independent.”

“Wolf, thanks to the T-Rump’s leadership we’re casting the Iranosaurus as the real enemy. I’m sure the Palestinos and Israelisaurae can put aside their differences to appreciate that. We didn’t pull out of the Iranosaurus deal for nothing.”

The Wolfblitzer shook his head in frustration.

“But all the dinos in the region, including those who will actually be providing the moolah-moolah, have insisted on a two-dino solution.”

“I guess you’ve been the Wolfblitzer because you’re not a patient dino.”

“And I guess you’ve been the Kushneratops because you believe moolah-moolah solves everything. Like the billion you received for your 666 Devil’s Lair from the hoodwinked Qatarsaurae. Have you no soul? Our bluegrass-chewing audience wants to know. Whose interests are you working for?”

“Wolf … heh-heh … too much information. What did I say about details? Look, we’ll just see what happens over the next couple of months. I think — I mean, I hope the next thing happening will be that we’ll release our peace plan and dinos will react to it accordingly. Because we know what’s best for them, right?”

“I wouldn’t hold my breath on that one. Finally, with regards to foreign policy, is this the new T-Rump Doctrine?”

“Yes, of course. We’re a peace broker and I’m sure you know, Wolf, brokering peace comes with a price.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s