Category: Political Satire

The Donkeykongrus debate had gone off the rails the night before with the skinny Elizabethwarren raking punishing, non-stop body blows upon the smaller Michaelbloomberg. Then there was the Buddhajudge and Amyklobuchar trading snappy, in your face one-two punches, rocking each other to and fro. But it was the 40-month sentence handed down by the dino judge, the Amybermanjackston to the Tyrumposaurus confidante and con-artist, the Rogerstone, that turned heads and served notice to all in the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir.

The T-Rump was as usual stomping mad. He stormed around the Oval Dwelling in front of his squatting sycophants, turning to his number-one henchman, the attorney dino general, the Williambarr.

“What the hell was that?! I thought you had things under control!”

“I – I can’t exactly tell the judge what to say.”

“Then what good are you to me? Huh?”

The T-Rump’s glare weighed upon him. The Williambarr again seriously considered quitting. But was this the truth or the party line? Reigning supreme over the DOJ to chaperone every T-Rump whimsy was surely ulcer-bound. The Mickmulvaney sensed this and thankfully intervened.

“He’s doing the best he can, T-Rump. I really think he is. Uh, hopefully, I mean.”

“What about that dino juror? She was totally tainted! Roger’s got a very good chance of exoneration. Doesn’t he, William?”

“Do you want me to lie to you?”

The Willliambarr winced. This false sense of bravado must be a byproduct of his inching toward quitting. Maybe he was serious. Maybe he was having a stroke.

“What did you say?” asked the T-Rump.

“Sorry, a feeble attempt at humor.”

“Not feeble. Weak. Very weak. I have an idea however to get to the bottom of this Rogerstone thing. Julian, the Julianassange.”

The Stephenmillerus cocked a sinister eye.

“Isn’t he kind of, uh … off limits right now? The Mediacircustops caught wind that we offered him a pardon if he would testify that the Russodino interference was a hoax.”

“Nobody is ever off limits to me. Remember that. Maybe ol’ Julianassange is going to get that pardon after all. But he’ll have to earn it. Here’s what I want.”

And so the plan was hatched. Dino news travels fast. Especially news that’s dastardly and despicable. The following morning, the dino guard at the Solitary Sinkhole at Thamesmead Belmarsh, where the Julianassange was holed up, informed him that the Wikileakibeak-disgraced dino would be going undercover for the Rogerstone. 

The Julianassange was positively giddy. He looked to the skies, raised his arms in sweet joy and danced a little jig. He had to dance on the spot however. It was after all a Solitary Sinkhole. But his voice rang out to nearby prisoners and faraway innocents alike …

Well, I’m a bombshell springer

I’m a big right-winger

And I’m loathed everywhere I go 

I stole messy secrets and I stole pressing truths

About a thousand leaks, y’know

I had all kinds of bills for Ecuadorian thrills 

But the thrill I’ve never known

Is the thrill when crap’s flowin’, when I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover?

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother … Yeah!

“Why’s my son a disgrace?” 

Undercover for the Rogerstone

He’s got a freaky ole lady name a Naughty Nikki

Who’s emboldened, yes, it seems

He’s a dirty shyster … oh, so tricky

The two make quite a team

Now seven years is a lot of time

To go without your mind bein’ blown

But the blow I’m knowin’ is I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover? 

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother 

“Why’s my son a disgrace?”

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Watch T-Rump roll!

I got a lot of little extradition matters

T-Rump said would go away

I’m like a genu-wine Indian Guru

With not really much to say

I’ve got no friends but I’ll never ask why

To T-Rump, I’m a welcome bone

And now he’s all crowin’ that I’m set to goin’

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Rogerstone … Wanna see me go undercover?

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother 

“Why’s my son a disgrace?”

Undercover for the Rogerstone

Undercover of the Roger

Wanna see me go undercover?

Stone … “He’s so damn sloppy,” said his mother

Wanna see me go undercover?

Undercover for the Rogerstone

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Williambarr rose from his afternoon constitutional squat, scratched his backside against the tree he was hiding behind, pawed the ground and waddled back into his cave. He was startled to find a pair of dinos sitting there waiting for him.

“The Chuckschumer and the Nancypelosi? To what do I owe this unfortunate embarrassment? Our paths were not destined to cross before your damn committee meeting in what, six weeks?”

“We felt it couldn’t wait, William,” said Nancy. “We see what’s happening.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Tell him, Chuck.”

“We caught you red-handed taking actions that attorney dino generals in the past have always steered clear of. You weighed in on the sentencing guidelines of the Rogerstone. You’re launching an investigation into a battle campaign that’s four years old, debunked, de-authorized and decidedly dumb. And you’re still going after the Hunterbiden from his time in the Ukraine Plain.”

“Are you done?” asked the yawning Williambarr. The Chuckschumer looked over to the Nancypelosi who readily took center stage.

“And, lest we forget, your treatment of the Michaelcohen has been very suspect. What are you doing — if anything — with the Rudygiuliani? He can’t keep his paws clean for 24 hours. And we are extremely worried with what you’re doing with the Flynnhasbeen situation. Would you care to enlighten us on the latest?”

“I’m just doing my job, dammit. Now get OUT of my home before I charge you with contempt of my courtyard, my garden and my compost heap.”

“You don’t compost,” sneered the Nancypelosi. “You keep all your garbage hidden away from prying eyes. That story you gave about being upset about the Tyrumposaurus’ Trollertweeties interfering with your daily work is laughable. Maybe you can cover your compost heap with that. See you next month. And if we have to send Subpoenasaurus number 72 after you, we will.”

The two Donkeykongrus leaders exited the attorney dino general’s cave just as an older dino arrived at the entrance. The Nancypelosi recognized him instantly.

“The Neildiamondsaurus? What are you doing here?”

“Well, uh … you know, I don’t do much touring any more. But I still love to sing. So I’m doing some singing telegrams on the side.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” said the Williambarr. “And who sent you?” 

“Oh, that would be the Geoffreyberman, the dino leader at the Southern District of Manhatinhand?”

“I’m well aware of who he is. I, um, find it rather strange that he’d be doing this. We’re not exactly on the best of speaking terms. But you’re here, so … go ahead.”

A cool breeze filtered through the underbrush outside the Williambarr’s quaint, suburban cave. Leaves rustled lightly, the Neildiamondsaurus licked his lips and began.

You don’t bring us justice

You don’t keep the law strong

You hardly talk to us anymore

You broke the oath you swore

A thousand say you stray

We remember when

There was truth and honesty

Our trust we gave for free

Now after watchin’ you be so tight

With all things T-Rump

And your saying what’s right

We won’t just roll over

We will stand and fight

‘Cuz you don’t bring us justice anymore

It used to be so factual

The who and what together

But evidence doesn’t count any more

It just lays on the floor

Til you sweep it away

And today, we remember

All the shame you brought us

We learned of each crime

And we learned how and why

While you learned how to shove

And you learned how to lie

So you’d think you would learn

It’s time to say goodbye

‘Cause you don’t bring us justice

Anymore

Well, you’d think you would learn

How to tell us goodbye

No, don’t say T-Rump now

You don’t keep the law strong

You don’t bring us justice

Anymore

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

It was a natural instinct for dinos to hide. Because big dinos ate little dinos. Other reasons to hide included open, profusely bleeding flesh wounds, two-timing dinos during mating season and of course, knee-knocking shame. Which brings us to the Susancollins, she of the Oh-I-kid-you-not-the-T-Rump-has-learned-his-lesson infamy. Ever since she had voted against impeaching the Tyrumposaurus for that flimsiest of flimsy reasons, the Manuraju, a most industrious Mediacircustops had taken delight in tracking her down to ask her just one more time, how did her wee walnut process that whimpering weasel of an excuse? A weasel that quickly splattered against the Tree of Truth two nanoseconds later when the T-Rump had embarked on a week of being emboldened that rivaled the Napoleonosaurus’ march on the vaunted Moscovian Bluffs. 

The Susancollins breathed a quick, hiccup-like sigh of relief as she laid low in the low-lying Depression de Preshun, a marshland for mush-minded dinos seeking instant refuge. Her nerves were shot. She was shaking like a leaf. Damn that Manuraju. He would be the death of her. She had a big November battle coming up. How could she show her face to the dino masses back on the Maine Plain? She’d tried changing her protect T-Rump excuse to it-didn’t-rise-to-the-level-of-impeachment but that was one expiry date that had long since passed and like a one-hit-wonder, she was now The One-Excuse Wonder. 

A Michaelbloomberg Trollertweety flew by overhead.

“Squawk! Hey, T-Rump! I have w-a-a-a-a-y more moolah-moolah than you! Which means my Trollertweeties will find you, to remind you that you are stupid, you are incompetent and you are a barking clown dino! And now I’m off to tell your friends before you can defend yourself! Squawk!”

The Susancollins couldn’t help herself. She tittered at the message, slightly slobbering down her front. Oh, she wished she could stand up to the T-Rump but she knew that would simply be the end of her. Why couldn’t she be more like the Nancypelosi? Now there was a female dino who had no problem standing up and roaring at the nasty T-Rump.

There came a rustling in the bushes. Was it the Manuraju? Or maybe another DOJ, that is, Dino Open-Jawed legal dino exiting the swamp post haste? She peered through the marshland bulrushes. 

It was the T-Rump!

And he was singing. Oh, no! He was singing that song. Again. The one that was positively driving her around the bend!

It’s in the way I abuse it,

Right under your nose

It’s in the way I abuse it,

For friends and my foes

And I tell Barr I will lose it,

I don’t tip toe

I play my fun game of Who’s It?

Who’s next to go?

I’m always right and you’re always wrong

Justice is weak, I’m making it strong 

You were all losing til I came along

Don’t disobey me or you will be gone

It’s in the way I abuse it,

Right under your nose

It’s in the way I abuse it,

For friends and my foes

It’s in the way I abuse it,

Right under your nose

It’s in the way I abuse it,

For friends and my foes

And I tell Barr I will lose it,

I don’t tip toe

I play my fun game of Who’s It?

Who’s next to go?

Those I withdraw, you will like this

My revenge so raw, you will like this

My rewards bring awe, you will like this

Without rule of law, you will like this

It’s in the way I abuse it,

For friends and my foes

It’s in the way I abuse it,

And who’s next to go?

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!