Category: Political Satire

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Free Fallin’ …

It was late at night in the Milkanhoney Preservation and many dinos were having trouble falling asleep. None more so than the Dino Nation’s chief Sawbonesaurus, the Jeromeadams. He lay awake in his nest lined with moolah-moolah leaves, not as many as the Tyrumposaurus’ appointed sycophants, mind you. He’d have to see about improving that score. But it was a nagging feeling he couldn’t escape. A feeling he used to have if and when he did something even slightly wrong. Guilt. That’s what it was. It had been so long. 

He stared at the wet spot on the cave ceiling above him, wishing the dino above would at least go outside to pee. His thoughts trailed back to earlier that day and another last-minute, panic-or-bust briefing with the Mediacircustops …

The T-Rump stood at the lectern and the Jimsciutto took aim with a deadly question.

“T-Rump, do you put any blame upon yourself for being weeks behind in testing dinosaurs for the Coronavirus?”

“What is it with all these nasty questions? Very nasty. Of course I don’t put any blame on myself for what has happened. And before you recall what I said yesterday or a week ago, yes, once upon a time I said that only I can save Dino Nation. And I am not going to blame myself if I don’t. Again, only I can save us and if I don’t, it’s not my fault. How many times do I have to say it?”

The Jimsciutto did a double-take.

“T-Rump, you’re just not making any sense.”

The Jeromeadams couldn’t take it any longer. Time for a raise. He sprang into action, tapping the T-Rump on the shoulder and sliding in front of him to the flat rock lectern. He glared at the Jimsciutto and the rest of the scrum.

“How dare you question the T-Rump. Why, he’s the only reason I’m standing here before you right now. We’re doing everything we can. Like the T-Rump once said, so famously, what you’re seeing and reading is not what’s happening. There’s no crying over coughs and sneezes. We’re dinosaurs, dammit. So, no more bickering, no more criticism or finger-pointing. I really want to crack down on the finger-pointing.”

The Jimscuitto’s face scrunched into confusion.

“You’re kidding, right? We are Mediacircustops. It’s our nature. It’s in our blood. Without us, you guys would have free reign, trampling over everything. Who is going to hold you guys accountable?”

The Jeromeadams was suddenly outside of dino doc waters.

“Uh, well. Maybe you could just focus on getting the word out on all the help we are going to unleash on the dino communities to help save them.”

“I’m sorry. Did you say unleash?”

And it was all downhill from there.

The Jeromeadams blinked at the ceiling. Good gawd. Was it leaking? His thoughts turned from urine to the other situation at hand. The T-Rump’s non-answers, the bravado and finally, he himself stepping in front to tell the Mediacircustops to knock it off. The guilt was piling up. Bluster being mustered. Like molten lava, bubbling to the surface, ready to erupt. Guilt could only be kept down for so long. He had to get it out. In the quiet recesses of his solitude and now quite dank cave, he got it all off his chest with bedside words and sing-song notes.

 

He’s a crude guy, shoves his mama

Shoves Jesus and our nation too

He’s a crude guy, he’s crazy an’ selfish

Loves divorces and his moolah too

And it’s the wrong day to live or reside here 

There’s corona runnin’ fast and hard

And he’s a bad guy, a failed amateur

He’s a bad guy diggin’ our graveyard

Now we’re free

Free fallin’

Yeah, we’re free

Free fallin’

Now all the swamp liars talkin’ through his rally

They have trouble readin’ a flash card

And all the good news is still stuck in the shadows

And the bad news has us comin’ apart

Now we’re free

We’re free fallin’

Yeah, we’re free

Free fallin’

Free fallin’, now we’re free fallin’, no we’re

Free fallin’, now we’re free fallin’, now

I wanna slide on over to Holland

I wanna find out their testin’ style

How they can make somethin’ from nothin’

While T-Rump’s so damn juvenile

Now we’re free

Free fallin’

Yeah, we’re free

Free fallin’

Now we’re free

Free fallin’

Oh

Free fallin’

Now we’re free

Oh, free fallin’

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1145 & 1149

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-hrs5x-d63a58

This week’s two-fer T-Rump Traxx feature: Day 1145 — “You Got It” … The Markmeadows has bad news for the Tyrumposaurus … and Day 1149 — “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” … The Mattgaetz has some ‘splainin’ to do. Tap of the dino tail to Roy Orbison and Chicago. Enjoy. Sing along!

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The Trumpassic Period — Year Three!

Another year. Another near-apocalypse.

OMG. It’s … The Trumpassic Period — Year Three.

These are the times Dino Nation finds itself in yet again, striving to survive the wild, walnut-brained ways of the Tyrumposaurus and his merry, misinformed lot of dino sycophants.

The Williambarr and the Moscowmitch have the T-Rump’s back as the Nancypelosi, the Chuckschumer and the rest of the Donkeykongrus dinos can only sit back and watch as the T-Rump continues running roughshod through the norms, the decencies, the very soul of the Milkanhoney Preservation.

The Trumpassic Period — Year Three doesn’t miss a dino footprint. Two tales per week add up to 104 encompassing views of the T-Rump’s third year at the helm of helpless dinos everywhere, cowering in their caves.

This 401-page chronology of T-Rump’s raucous, one — only one! — impeachment reign is now available on Amazon for $2.99. Download today!

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Hard to Say I’m Sorry …

The Coronavirus had come to Dino Nation. Big time. Schools were closing, long-haul dino migration was frowned upon and major events were being canceled, such as March Madness — the tournament where dinos took a round rock to the hole. Any hole.

The Tyrumposaurus, the Mincepencenow and the few dinos who knew little or nothing about dino sneezes and coughs stood before the hastily called scrum of Mediacircustops. The Andersoncooper raised a short arm.

“T-Rump, you’ve been exposed to several dinosaurs who tested positive for the Coronavirus — including that Neverglades ne’er-do-well, the Mattgaetz. You and the Mincepencenow are the most important dinos in the land. Why in the world is it that you two haven’t been tested?”

The T-Rump grinned back his smug Cheezbuggabugga grin.

“I know I’m supposed to stand up here and say the right things to unite Dino Nation in the face of this national disaster, but you know I’m a real germaphobe. I don’t want to have anything to do with this virus. Including testing. I don’t even like saying the word.”

“Could it be that you’re dodging my question because you and the Mincepencenow have actually been tested, you both proved positive for the virus … but you don’t want that to get out so you’re sticking with the no-we-haven’t-been-tested message.”

The Mincepencenow’s expression changed to surprise for a brief second as if the Andersoncooper had exposed their ruse. The second dino in command shot a nervous glance to his leader whose eyes now narrowed at the scrum.

“No, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Fake news.”

“You’re the top two dinos in the land. Of course you’ve been tested. If they came back negative you’d be shouting it from the mountaintops.”

“Excuse me,” said the T-Rump, looking for the exit. “I’ve got to see a dino about a Horseysaurus. For my next parade.”

“You haven’t had one yet.”

But the T-Rump had already disappeared. Down a path, around a corner, through the brush and into an open clearing popular with dinos looking to score a cheap-but-meaty deal, the Walmart Parkland. The T-Rump however, wasn’t looking for a deal. He was looking for a certain dino and he spotted him immediately. The Mattgaetz.

The Neverglades nincompoop was on his knees, holding his head in his hands, weeping, wiping his dinosaur tears away, then weeping some more. It was a woefully pathetic sight. The T-Rump approached, standing over him.

“And don’t expect any sympathy from me. I’m probably going to die now — all because of you. After I’ve done s-o-o-o-o much for Dino Nation, ten times more than the Obamarus, to be knocked down in my prime, just before I was going to take this whole thing to the next level and make some real moolah-moolah leaves.”

“T-Rump, I — I don’t know where to begin. I can’t believe this happened. One minute I’m mocking this thing and the next … I — I’ve given you a death sentence.”

“Thanks for putting a fine point on it. You’re going to have to do better than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“This is uncharted territory for me. I should kill you because you’ve basically killed me. But I abhor violence. Still, somehow you managed to get the drop on me. I don’t like that. I refuse to believe that. You’re going to spend the night here in this godforsaken place. Sleep here like a dog. Do you understand that?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now grovel some more.”

“Oh, I can do better than that.”

“Eh?”

The Mattgaetz was ready to do anything — absolutely anything — to get back in the T-Rump’s good graces, if only for a limited amount of time. And with that the Mattgaetz wiped his wet eyes dry and sang a song …

 

Everybody needs a little time away

I heard that came from your mother 

I was with you for that entire day

I love you like a brother

Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry

I just wanted to play

After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew? 

And after all that near-instant karma

You’re just the part of me that sank so low

 

Couldn’t stand to be kept away from the grifting you embody

Didn’t wanna be swept away, but I know your push comes to shove me

Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry. You can tell me I blow 

Scold me now. It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry. I’m just a stupid side-show

 

After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew?

And after all that near-instant karma

You’re just the part of me that sank so low

After I played the cuckoo, I gave the virus to you. My bad. Who knew?

 

You’re gonna be the unlucky one.

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

You Got It …

There was a tail tapping at the doorway to the Oval Dwelling. The newly installed dino Chief of Staff, the Markmeadows answered it.

“The Tedcruz?”

“Hi, Mark. I’ve got to see the T-Rump. Just for a minute, that should do it. I mean, can I see him?”

“Well, he’s kinda busy right now.”

“He is not. This is me you’re talking to. He’s on executive time the entire morning. As in … Doing. Nothing.”

“You got me there. Come on in.”

The two dinos approached the Tyrumposaurus. The Tedcruz stepped in tight and kneeled beside the squatting T-Rump, who looked up from his latest Cheezbuggabugga.

“Gee, Ted. You’re kind of in my face. You’re gonna get splashed with the flying juice.”

“Oh, that’s okay. What’s a little juice between friends?”

The T-Rump put down his Cheezbuggabugga. He looked flushed. Eyes weary.

“What do you want?”

“Well, you know how you said that this whole Coronavirus was a hoax being put on by the Donkeykongrus to damage your leadership battle campaign?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I thought I’d follow your great master plan and make a little moolah on the side.”

“Doing what?”

“Oh, just being here with you.”

“I, uh … don’t follow.”

“It’s like this. A dino who, uh … shall remain nameless, paid me a very healthy amount of moolah-moolah leaves to come stand close to you. Real close.”

The T-Rump leaned back a bit.

“Well, you are pretty close.”

“I have to be.”

“Because?”

“I was at that big dino shindig ten days ago and I probably caught the Novel Coronavirus. I remember him coughing on me three times.”

“Oh.”

“And well, there are dinos out there that, believe it or not, don’t like you and since — as you just confirmed — hey, it’s all just a hoax, well … it can be our little laugh.”

“Oh, ha-ha. Funny.” The T-Rump turned to the shocked Markmeadows whose eyes were hanging out of their sockets. “Isn’t that funny, Mark? Laugh with us.”

“I – I’m sorry,  T-Rump. I hardly find this amusing. In fact, I’m sorry that my first act as your chief of staff will be to, uh … I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you — no, I’m going to demand that you place yourself under quarantine.”

“Mark, nobody is putting me under quarantine. I’m as healthy as a big, bad Brontosaurus.”

He coughed, then sneezed. Followed by a fart and a dribble.

“Okay, so I’m a little off today. Just because I’ve been holding big rallies with no testing. My fans have been coughing on me, I’ve been coughing on them. Now that’s democracy. This virus thing will never catch me. It’s too warm, it’s been contained and I told you there’s a miracle on the way, right? Now get the hell out of here before I start looking for chief of staff number five.”

But the Markmeadows wasn’t budging. He wanted this job badly. He’d do whatever it took to keep it. Just to get his message across. This message. Even if he had to sing …

 

Every day I look, the number’s on the rise

This virus is something you just can’t buy

One look … at you … you’re sick … Okay?

I say … that you … are here … to stay

 

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

 

The tests aren’t perfect, you need to understand

Numbers shouldn’t be a part of your campaign plan

They’re up … not down … no thanks … to you

So now … just sit … shut up … can you?

 

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

Every sneeze tells me 

Every doctor says 

Everything is clear

 

I’m mad … as hell … at whom? … at you

You went … so slow … without … a clue

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

Every sneeze tells me … you got it

Every doctor says … you got it

Everything is clear … you got it

Stay here!

 

Everything is clear

Stay here!

You got it

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1138 & 1142

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-p4ppk-d5aed8

This week’s two T-Rump Traxx feature: Day 1138 — “South Carolina” … the Joebiden has a big day with those down-home Dixie dinos … and Day 1142 — “Super Tuesday” … the Tulsigabbard wonders what could have been. Ahem. She’s spent a lot of time wondering. Tail wags to Neil Diamond and the Rolling Stones!

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Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

Super Tuesday …

What the hell was that? Would somebody please tell her what had just happened? The Joebiden, the Berniesanders, the Elizabethwarren – face it, every dino with a pulse – had roared past her in yesterday’s big day of Donkeykongrus leadership races.

It was The Wednesday After and the Tulsigabbard stared in wonder at her soul mate and pet rock Lulu, who sat there stone-faced.

“I feel your warmth and sympathy,” she said, stroking Lulu’s smooth side.

They sat quietly ruminating in Tulsi’s makeshift battle campaign headquarters. It was a small dank cave they shared with Sluggo, a four-foot-long, one-foot-wide slug. Rent was cheap, fifty moolah-moolah leaves a month. The only drawback was that Sluggo was always under foot. He claimed to be a Waikiki Leech but Tulsi knew better. Poor Sluggo sucked at sticking to anything. Hence he was always on the ground. In the way. He inched her way now.

“So? You pullin’ out?”

“What do you think?”

“You really think the Putinodon is going to come waltzing in with a million dinos at the last minute to carry the day with you?”

“Nothing’s impossible. I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Sluggo nodded to Lulu with a smirk.

“Because Lulu hasn’t told you yet to get out.”

“You leave Lulu out of this.”

“She can’t talk, Tulsi.”

“Lulu’s a selective mute.”

“Lulu’s a rock.”

“I told you not to call her that. You know she’s my therapy pebble.”

Tulsi wanted to kick Sluggo right in the … wherever. Except her foot might get stuck. She cringed at the thought.

“Sluggo? You suck.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Just then a stone rolled into the cave.  The slug brightened.

“Hey, a rolling stone.” He looked to Lulu. “Someone you know?”

More stones rolled in.

“The whole gang’s here now.”

The incoming stones were the result of a passing entourage of dozens of Donkeykongrus dinos.

“Aren’t you going to go see who it is?” asked Sluggo.

“I know who it is. Another stupid parade for some damn Donkeykongrus dino not named me. What do I  have to do to get my message through to all these walnut brains?”

Sluggo looked from her to the stones around them and back to her.

“I’m going to guess that was a rhetorical question?”

Tulsi shook her head and sank dejectedly back into her squat, burying her head in her hands. Sluggo inched his way through the stones.

“Hey, guys. Since we’re all here. Let’s sing her a song. To cheer her up.”

Tulsi, doubtful, looked up from her funk. Nobody sang to her any more. Something about the angry glare in her eyes.

But real stones don’t sing of course. A song however did reach inside the Tulsigabbard headquarters, a song sung by the Donkeykongrus faithful outside as they tromped down the path. Their song came in loud and clear. Too clear.

 

He’d forever say his time would come

They’d say his chances were slim and none

Fourteen states in sight

His future once so bright

Then from south

This phoenix rose

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Don’t question why he leads good ol’ Bernie

It’s Texas, Arkansas and Tennessee 

It just seems insane

The T-Rump did sprain his brain

The smallest cost

For nothing lost

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Bloomberg knew he’d lose, to Joe he’ll say

Catch your dreams because I’ll pay your way

Trying all this time

Warren wonders how she was left behind

Ain’t life so kind?

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

Goodbye, Super Tuesday

Joe did hang his name on you

Pete and Amy, you quit to make way

Still he’s gonna kiss you

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire The T-Rump Dig

South Carolina …

There was a dull roar coming from inside the Charleston Cavern, the main cave for the Joebiden supporters. It was official. The Berniesanders had not made it close like the so-called Wise Old Walnuts had projected. No, the Joebiden had just won the Donkeykongrus battle for Lower Carolina handily. One of every two dinos had lined up behind Joe. Dinos inside the Charleston Cavern were slapping tails, grinning scary grins and slobbering profusely at their newfound success.

Maybe the Berniesanders revolution wasn’t the earthquake-shaking-volcano-erupting-lava-in-your-face groundswell the Wise Old Walnuts had been making it out to be. The Joebiden had come through, giving his camp the much-needed shot in the arm following dismal turn-outs in the first three battles of the Donkeykongrus leadership campaign. Dino brains were small however. Maybe they’d just forgotten?

The Jillbiden approached her husband at the side of the flat rock lectern.

“I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. I knew you could do it. Do you have your speech ready?”

“Do I? Oh, I’m ready to give a speech alright. This has been a long time coming. A l-o-o-o-n-g time.”

“Joe, dear. Are you okay? You’re looking a little peaked around the eyes.”

“Are you kidding. I’m always peaked around the eyes.”

“Well, I know that, sweetheart. But today, especially so. You didn’t partake in some weeds I don’t know about?”

“Good gosh, no.”

She gave him a comforting nod and grasped his short arm in hers.

“I guess it’s understandable given the excitement. It’s been a whirlwind day. Are you sure you’re feeling fine, though?”

“Hey, I didn’t have the stroke. You should go ask Bernie.”

“Okay, okay. Point taken. You’re right.”

She looked around at the dino multitude and beamed.

“You did it, Joe. You really did it. And I’m right here beside you. Look at them. They’re all yours, like birds waiting for you to sing them out of a tree.”

“Eh?”

“Never mind, just get out there and do your thing.”

“Uh, okay. Sure.”

He gave her a peck on the cheek and he approached the flat rock lectern. Sing to them? Really? He mulled it over. His wife wasn’t just right. She was always right. Oh, well, when in Rome. He smiled, waved to the crowd, his thoughts crystallized and he lowered his gaze in his trademark all-seriousness approach and began.

 

Where it began

Kinda thought it was goin’

And then I prayed it wasn’t gone

 

Iowa sting

Nevada made me number 

And then Jimclyburn came along

 

Fans huggin’ fans

Reachin’ out, gettin’ real, here’s the deal

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

I was behind 

Obama likes me, knock on wood

Steyer’s out

 

Bernie’s right there

And for those who like lonely

There’s poor Tulsi with under two

 

And when I hurt

Hurtin’ cuz I’m much older

But I’m still alive, how ‘bout you?

 

Warren, that damn Warren

Reachin’ out, gettin’ real, here’s the deal

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

I’ve been behind

Obama likes me, knock on wood

I hope so.

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

South Carolina

Obama likes me, knock on wood

 

South Carolina

Super Tuesday looks so good

 

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Categories
Humor Political Satire

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1131 & 1135

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-ie4vz-d517ca

Today’s T-Rump Traxx are a British invasion of sorts. In Day 1131 — “Revolution” … The Berniesanders dinos are chomping on grass roots. That is, becoming a grass roots movement. Then on Day 1135 — “Bye, Corona” … The Tyrumposaurus has a dino world calamity to take on as only he can. A tap of the tail to the Beatles and The Knack. Enjoy!